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Together but still confused

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  • #207973
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    Long story short,

    I met this guy about 2 months ago, we didn’t really speak much, except in group context, but I always thought there was a little something.

    He eventually asked me to come over that one evening. Bear in mind he is a very good-looking guy (is a signed model and has done campaigns and ads for international brands that I won’t name here), but also quite alternative in some ways (is vegan, practices meditation). And interestingly enough he’s never really been in a relationship or seen someone for more than a month.

    We are both the same age and both at uni, though this academic year is drawing to an end and exams are looming.

    We hit it off pretty much instantly, we kept in contact through the holidays and since then have been seeing each other at least every other day.

    We have been seeing each other and sleeping at each other’s place 2 or 3 times a weeks for almost a month and a half now, but he doesn’t text me often to ask how my day is going, it’s usually to meet up to do something (we’ve had picnics, watched sunsets in the park, gone for dinner, gone for runs, gone for walks, we’ve done a variety of things)

    He is NOT a great texter, never really has been. And as such I’ve always had to second guess his feelings towards me. He is also very british, and I am definitely his first ‘serious’ relation. So my guess is he doesn’t know how to approach this

    He seems like a mature, stable person, but for some reason when it comes to us I’m just not sure he knows how to handle it.

    He (seems) also quite wrapped up into his own life (gym, healthy cooking, uni), and sometimes I feel like he’s not that serious about me (although we made it sort of official about a week ago)

    All this, and the fact that he doesn’t message often, leads me to believe he’s not that serious about me, even though every time i do message him to ask him to do something he always agrees. We have spent some very, very cute and tender moments together, but I’m never sure he’s that bothered about me. He does plan some stuff to, but I’d say 65% of the time, I’ve organized the stuff to do together.

    I don’t know how serious he is about me, though we semi agreed we were together, but then how can i spend 2 days without hearing a word from him? Surely we’re in the honeymoon phase and we can’t get enough of each other

    It stresses me out to the point that I get nauseous, I am SO scared of losing someone so great. He is tall, incredibly handsome, healthy, stable, tender, and a lot of our values align (even though my expectations of how often we communicate and our personalities don’t always match). We have so much fun together and I believe I am truly in love with him

    The past few days he’s barely texted me (even though I know he’s had plenty of time). And I’m thinking he may just be losing interest?

    I’m thinking of breaking things off because of it (though I fell in love with him and can’t quite conceive NOT being with him)

    • This topic was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Mathilde-S.
    #207977
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mathilde-S,

    He is also at Uni, and therefore is quite young. He literally doesn’t know how to “do” relationships yet.

    He is also paid for being gorgeous. When you are that good looking, you don’t have to work for a connection, I’m afraid. If you were abducted by aliens, he could theoretically walk into a crowded room and get anyone he wants.

    I know the trap: You want him to text you, but you can’t say so because you want it to come from him.

    This is scary, but what if you don’t text him anymore? What if you let HIM do the initial texting, calling and planning?

    That is my advice.

    My other piece of advice is you should be happy that he is so involved in his own things. That’s what makes him interesting! What if you got into your own things with that kind of focus as well? Hint: That’s why you haven’t texted this week! 😉

    Best,

    Inky

    #207987
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    He does initiate some of the things, but the issue is that I’m still wondering whether, objectively or not, he is still interested, or he is just ‘meh’ about me

    He has done things like holding my hand when listening to ‘falling in love with you’ by Elvis Presley, and being very cute in general, but also doesn’t text me often?

     

    #207989
    Mark
    Participant

    Mathilde-S,

    It seems that he has a healthy balance of his own activities and friends along with a romantic relationship with you.

    Each person has different views of what makes them feel loved and wanted.

    It seems that you want from him more frequent texting communication as well as taking on some responsibility in planning and organizing the time you have together.

    Have you discussed what you want from him?

    Mark

    #207991
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    I haven’t discussed that yet as it’s still quite early on and don’t want to put any pressure. He have been dating for a month and a half and are only ‘official’ since 2 weeks

    The only reason I would want more frequent texting is to be sure he actually still desires to be with me, and didn’t get bored and changed my mind about me.

    I would say I am the ‘anxious attachment’ sort of personality, for sure. I will make a hundred scenarios in my head as to why he hasn’t texted.

    I just feel like after a month and a half of dating, hearing from him every 2 days only is quite little, considering we both are in this uni bubble and live 1 minute away from each other.

    I saw him today for a lunch (that I initiated), and I had a mini breakdown in front of him (about our relationship, but made it pass like it was about something else). He didn’t say much except that he was there to listen. You’d think he’d be considerate enough to text me later on asking me if I’m ok, but I haven’t heard from him since that lunch (and its not late evening here)

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Mathilde-S.
    #208005
    Mark
    Participant

    Mathilde-S,

    You named your attachment style as Anxious.   You wanting that frequency of communication, i.e. reassurance verifies that you are behaving as an Anxious Attachment type person.  That is not his responsibility to take care of.

    I go by the principle that the only person you have control over is yourself.  You cannot expect or blame him for doing or not doing things for he is being him.  Communication is essential for any close relationship.  If you do not communicate what you want then don’t expect him to change or do something else.

    You are setting up the parameters/requirements of the relationship without him knowing what exactly is expected of him.  You want to be reassured/texted a certain frequency.  You want to have him initiate/plan get togethers a certain percentage of outings.  You want him to check in to see if you are OK.  He won’t know what you want unless you tell him don’t you think?

    Mark

    #208017
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    I reckon I would have to, though it is exams seasons, and he’s got a significant amount of work to do in a very short period of time before monday (in 3 days)

    After this, summer starts and we live in 2 different countries. No talks have been made as to what will happen later

    #208021
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Hi Mathilde!

    It actually sounds like you guys are starting something wonderful so I would urge you not to cut it off just yet!

    You need to discuss your feelings in an assertive and positive way with your new boyfriend now rather than later. Otherwise it will bubble up into resentments because you’re not getting your need for connection met and you’ll either quit a good relationship or fight constantly. It will be especially bad if you wait until you go to different countries over the summer.

    it is not needy to ask for what you want, and there’s nothing wrong with preferring that he texts you more often or initiates more dates. What others have said is correct, he is not in charge of your feelings but you can still be open and honest about how you feel. You may not always get the thing you prefer but asking goes a long way to meeting your own need for connection. And in the end, opening up and being vulnerable with him will probably bring you much closer.

    You can always call him too. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for 6 months and have found that since we’re both busy during the day, a good phone call every night makes us both very happy and fulfills my need for daily connection and his need for space. We talk about this stuff a lot, especially communication and expectations and it’s brought us so much closer than even when we’re together physically.

    Long story short, don’t bottle it up-that’s never healthy for any relationship. If this guy is the one  , it’s time to discuss these things with him so your relationship has a good foundation!

    Best of Luck!

    M

     

     

    #208029
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mathilde-S:

    February this year you were in love with another man. You wrote then: “more than anything I wonder IF I will ever move on, stop thinking about him every singe day”-

    Well, you did move on, in a way. That is, the object of your attachment changed, it is another man now. But the attachment is the same (you mentioned anxious attachment style on the other thread).

    Your anxiety fueled behavior in your past relationship contributed to the ending of that relationship. This may be happening here as well. In reality, there is nothing a man can do to calm your anxiety day after day or night. The moment there is something change in his behavior, right away the anxiety is triggered.

    Time for quality psychotherapy perhaps, so to deal with, manage and start an ongoing healing process, healing from your anxiety, that is?

    anita

    #208037
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    I just don’t understand how he thinks that absolutely no contact for 2 days is ok, AFTER we have established we were together

    #208043
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mathilde-S:

    Reads to me that you are angry at him, very angry at this point. Am I correct?

    If so, what are you going to do next?

    anita

    #208183
    Mathilde-S
    Participant

    I followed everyone’s advice and we had a talk yesterday, I laid out to him my insecurities and why I feel this way, and my need to for reassurance due to past relationships

    He said he hadn’t thought that our frequency of communicating was too little, that I shouldn’t worry that he got bored of me, but he understood and he’d try to text more often

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