It is your shadow..you..often is expressed in demented dreams that are very unpleasant. It sounds like a part of you has been separated denied and suppressed due to a judgement or fear….I’ve done a lot of shadow work on my own and there is freedom in surrendering into the emotion, crushing your pride and having an honest look at what you believe to be true.

In my fragmented mind I spoke hatred to, what I thought was someone else. Like, “I” wouldn’t treat me that way. Finally realized it’s just me in therr….I was just broken. I always took an inkling to that movie “Sybil” I was intrigued how her mind separated herself into several personalitws, none which she was aware. Oddly enough, my unconscious always drew me to outward manifestations of my inward state. Only later I discovered thism.

A few months ago I had some feelings that were so unconscious but they began to surface however I couldn’t feel them entirely as they felt like agitation. I was down to pulling up the roots of my suffering, my emptiness had only a small space left in which I had to recover. As I began to get out of my denial which didn’t happen overnight, I accepted an ugliness, a possibility of something so.awful that hAppened to me that I boxed it away and forgot all.about it…that’s when the feelings bubbling under sought more of my presence and in the shower, I said, enough, I deserve to love myself and I will face you. And right then I dove right into them and I cried and cried and felt shame and for the first time ever, I looked at a picture of myself as a child and said, omg, that was you. It’s me. I’ve been rejecting and ignoring this neglected part of me for so long and I never once in my mind did I think I was speaking to myself.

There wasn’t a dissociation any longer. It was/is me (however I like to refer as she, third person) the egoic me.

When weve been traumatized at a young age our minds can’t process the events and so we we compartmentalize them. I remember when I created my shadow……again didn’t realize what I was doing but I knew that it was no longer safe to allow anyone to see my heart again . If anyone ever knew how I really felt inside they wouldn’t love me. So, I casted a.false persona, a.shadow who was rebellious, pretended not to care,….it was safer to pretend to be bad than it was to be myself and be rejected. It was my only defense and eventually I lost touch with my soul.

Denial is so.powerful. pride is evil. Shame binds. I had to hit a bottom where God did take me and my husband out of our bodies and pulled us away from love. It was crazy. Felt like literal hell. .separation from love..I had no other way out until one was mandated to me..

I would suggest looking deep into this experience conveyed in fhr dream and being brutally honest with yourself. Fear is a crappy emotion  we all hate. Paradoxical I know, but don’t fear the fearm..where there is fear there is a part.of you you do not own. Fear has power over you.

Hope your dreams get better, and your shadow smaller.

I would hug you so tightly right now. Xoxo I identity with you. I’m letting go too. How can something that hAppened 30 years ago have such an effect on me still? I’ve been afraid of him..afraid that love will be tAken from.me. that to fear him and his lies is safety because the light is fleeting and will only leave me. Surely can’t trust that love will always be there. Ive been a prisoner of my own making. By trusting this darkness which has been more reliable than love, I’ve rejected or cut off this perfect innocent part of me that is still waiting to be loved..I felt unlovable. Very unworthy. He told me I was bad and that my mother wouldn’t love me if I told her. I didn’t want to make mommy upset. I don’t want her to.stop loving me.

But wait. Herr I am. 38yr old and I know damn well it is a lie that I’m not lovable if I expose him. He’s only been able to hurt me by deceiving me.  He’s made me.believe better to live in this fear and emptiness than to trust in the light. I thought I was dead inskde. Maybe I’m not..I’m safe now.

I free myself by forgiving him. I see now you need love too. I’m sorry you are hurting too. I resented you. I believe I was bad. I believed I wasn’t good enouggm. I felt guilty for not being enougg. I felt shame for believing it was my fault. I closed my heart because it wasn’t safe to feel. Used to you had power over me because  you stole from me and I believed your lies. I was the powerful one all along because I had something you lacked. I had love. I had power. You hated that I had what you lacked which is why you stole mine. But I’ve learned that nothing is ever gone permanently. Things are put away for safe keeping until we’re ready to rediscover them. I have a resoveuri of love already with me. See that light you feared so much isn’t a threat to me. You knew that if I trusted the light just enough it would expose you for what you really are. A coward. I release you. I am.powerful and it ‘s safe. Still I hear your fear. Will it last, is love fleeting……I release that as well.

I used to look at my life as “what could have been”. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way….basing my whole life after those events being completely different..better. but it did happen that way. Why? Who knows. Maybe it never was about ne.

• I know that I love myself. Ive hated for so long..me. but this darkness wasn’t ever me, it was the absence of me and the presence of.you. but I can’t hate you anymore. To.hate you is to.hate me. When you stole from.me.you stole from.yourself..everything you did to me.you did to.you. I release both of us..forgive us for our sins Lord, have mercy on us. Heal our hearts from.hate