Hi Ava,

Hope you are keeping strong. In a business environment perhaps you need to think a little more strategically. Asking key questions like – Why are you still there, What is in it for you and where will it take you? Often you can handle the heat a little better once you have clarified this.

Prospect: Think about the benefits, if you do stay. You say you are learning a lot. Is this useful (or useless) for your CV? Perhaps you want to stay longer with the aim to learn more and then find another/better position in the same/other company? Is there room for growth, a raise or both? What (evidence or experience) is required to move on to other jobs or get a raise? Once you have thought about this or have questions, telling your bosses what you desire or expect can help, if you reckon they are considerate. In this way the conversation is ‘less emotional’ but more performance oriented, which they might prefer.

Perhaps you even want to set a time-scale or review milestone for when you might want to make a change in working life. When identifying what you want out of the current situation and for how long, it therefore becomes a conscious decision about why you choose this for yourself and the family, rather than something that is just ‘happening to you’. Herein, the impact on family life will also be ‘agreed’ instead of unexpected.

Workload – I don’t know your line of work, so the following could be useless advice 🙂 if you are a perfectionist and care about the work/people. Seek opportunities when you can produce ‘just good enough’. This means you will spend less time ‘perfecting’ when the ‘sheen’ is ‘nice to have’ and not required, of course still maintain the best level of accuracy. Abstracted, a similar approach can be applied with choosing how you emotionally invest in your co-workers to save your energy in general and for family.

Cheers

DO NOT LET YOUR ABUSER FOOL YOU. GET OUT AND STAY AWAY! YOU ARE NOT WRONG, YOU ARE RIGHT!

Listen to your inner voice again, which you have been made to doubt. No matter how anyone treated you in the past, know that just like anyone else on this planet you are deserving of being acknowledged, validated and treated respectfully – especially by your loved ones. Know that you are deserving of compassion, understanding and unconditional love. Remember that a loving relationship should inspire you, elevate you, progress you and protect you – not the opposite!

IF YOU ARE IN PAIN, IT IS NOT LOVE – Good love exists and it is without pain!

Realise it is not you who is dependent on him, it is him who is dependent on you! He expresses his fears and weakness unhealthily by oppressing and depressing you and by inducing self doubt. IT ISN’T LOVE IT IS FEAR!

In a way – No one will love you more than you can yourself as there can always be a point in time someone other than you will choose selfishly. Be protective of yourself. Also, no one will love your son more than you – so be protective of him too. TAKE NO ABUSE OR OTHER BULL! Tap into your inner lioness. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HIT YOU – IT IS NOT OK, EVER.

I was in a psychologically abusive relationship too, but for a shorter period than you. As the abuser expressed dominance more extremely, my grief and negative hurtful experience were invalidated – as if they were not real. It made it very hard to see this grow into abuse and accept that this was real – never mind standing up to it.

When you stand up for yourself the abuser will tell you that you are wrong, you over-react and may imply you are over sensitive. When you stand up for yourself the abuser might assert you are hurting him or that it is your fault when you react ‘adversely’. The abuser might emotionally blackmail; convincingly express grief, sadness or even guilt. Regardless, the abuser will exploit the fact you self-doubt and that you are no longer listening to you inner voice which has started shouting no no no no no a long time ago… Even after separation the abuser may continue to try to keep control over ‘how you experience’… The abuser will try to keeps the wound open they have created in you, not allowing you to close it.

Stop doubting yourself. You are sane. You are right. Get out and stay away!

Stop engaging and give yourself a lot of time to grow out of this type of induced psychosis before you reengage with this person.

Children do not need abuse and compromised broken adults in their lives – They need safe, stable, healthy love without fear in a protective environment. There is no requirement or reality wherein his father should be present in order to offer your child a positive and nurturing up bringing. You are mighty enough to offer this wealth to him yourself through being the strongest and the best you can be. You can do it, I believe you can!

Hi Cyd,

I would like to elaborate on Bevan’s comments – Indeed, it sounds like you are emphatic. Do realise this is powerful, and you can help or inspire others with your positive being. It is best you deliberately seek and connect with others like you, so you can safely experience this wealth with them. However, you cannot be ‘vulnerable’ like this with everyone. And so, try become more aware about how this is a strength and how it can also be a weakness…

Because you are accepting of vulnerability, you therein allow others to be vulnerable in your presence. Many people do not allow this, and so, what you are is positive; you let people ‘be’ or admit to sides of their ‘true selves’. To them, this is both affirming and comforting. However, know that vulnerability is difficult many, some have not learned to deal with it, others may become fearful and defensive, others express vulnerability only in a selfish manner and they will feed off you in abusive/dependent manner unaware and they will invalidate at the same time…

Recognise that showing vulnerability, makes you vulnerable too. And know that no one will respect you more than you do. And so, possibly, you need to be more self aware in your expressions and relations to protect self. Also, do not ‘advertise’ your inner conflict or insecurities, if you do. When people can see you are ‘free’ and unaware in how you express and relate, they may see opportunity to abuse in their advantage. Embrace your quality, but also understand it and be protective of it…

Recognise that, using extreme examples, some people experience the world more strongly through feeling information with emotion and intuition, while others experience more strongly through ‘rationalising’ information with the mind as such… In other words, while you are preoccupied with the emotional, others are more preoccupied with ‘calculating’ the world. You will feel as if you are always ‘too late’ when they act or ‘strike’ for they express intent that is much more ‘calculated’. It is therefore harder to deal with these people and counter act. However, their behaviour is not necessarily ‘wrong’. Your intent originates from a different ‘place’; You simply ‘express’ differently… Your response should not be to become calculating in response, but instead become more aware.

You will find it hard to develop the desired intimacy depth with such people and keep the type of mutual respect you want, so instead be aware of this ‘superficiality’ or reconfigure how you invest… Review your choices, expectations, beliefs and boundaries and communicate these better. Do not forget to stand up for yourself. Do not lose yourself, take time. Always stay aware of what you express, choose and create within each moment, i.e. did you let someone get the better of you? Also, do your desires and needs play a role? Did you fool yourself perhaps? Are there early warning signs you keep ignoring? Trust yourself. Also, you might mistakenly view an act as vulnerability or intimacy and so you may open up more, try harder, for too long and in a manner you can become ‘victimised’…

Empaths often fall victim when dealing with narcissists. So I advise that you educate yourself on narcissistic behaviour which you appear to be referring to. Important is that you try to look inward for answers and learn more about yourself and the choices (becoming more aware of them) you make that lead to such negative experiences, as only you can change in relation to others…