Hi Allison,

You just described my last serious relationship! So I may have some insights that will hopefully be helpful:

I think the experience of falling for someone you weren’t initially interested in – and then have said person go and reject you – can be quite bewildering. I did some brutally honest self reflection I came up with a couple of very important realizations:

1) I settled – it’s not that I was “better” than him (I wasn’t – and he was actually a very handsome/accomplished man), but it was that he lacked a lot of qualities I was looking for in a partner (emotionally mature, healthy communication, sexual compatibility, etc.).
2) There was just enough compatibility / interest to keep the relationship alive, but not enough for it to flourish – it was like a houseplant that needed full sunlight but was in a shaded corner…sure it still had all its leaves, but it never grew no matter how much you water or fertilizer you used
3) The reason why I entered into the couple was I thought it was the best I could do and I was lonely – that was the most sobering.

Now, the good news was after I did this I knew what went wrong and I started the personal work to fix it. It’s still an on going process, but very healing.

Another thing that helped was cutting myself some slack. It’s really a challenge for most people to not be drawn to someone who ardently pursues them. It’s very flattering to down right seductive! Plus, in someways I applauded myself for rolling the dice and taking a chance on the guy. Too many people are at the other end of the spectrum when it comes to dating, being extra picky and demanding people hit every checkbox on their list of traits they want in a mate – “oh, he’s 5’11”, I only date people over 6 feet tall”, etc.

Finally, just because the person “rejected” you (I use quotes, because in reality he just finally saw what you in your bones knew all along – you weren’t a good fit – and he freed you), isn’t a reflection on your worth, your desirability, etc. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being, “he pursued me so much in the beginning and then went stone cold in the end – what did I do?” The reality is many people (of both genders, but men especially), love the thrill of the chase, and once they caught the object of their affection and the high wears off, they then start asking, “huh, well, is this person really right for me?” The guy should’ve asked those questions *before* he went after you! I’d be willing to bet he repeats a similar pattern until through dumb luck he finally pairs up with someone who’s a match. Problem is, in the process he never gains the tools (like introspection) to sustain a relationship. I’d also be willing to bet if you hadn’t starting putting his feet to the fire and pointing out issues, he may have been just fine allowing thing to keep coasting along…which is sad if you think about it!

Well, I hope that provides you with some comfort / food for thought. I want to assure you the pain does go away. Be kind to yourself, and I have no doubt you’ll get through this *and* be stronger as a result.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.

Hello Hopeful33!

I went through a situation similar to yours (minus the moving part), so I know how difficult can be being in the same city where memories haunt you around every corner. Here are somethings I did that helped me cope:

1) Try to at least move to a neighborhood of the city that has the fewest triggers
2) Explore new clubs, restaurants, etc. that you never went to with your ex (I’m sure there are at least a few places that they didn’t want to go to or weren’t in existence last time you were there)
3) Forge new friendships (this not to say dump the old ones, but it can be helpful to have people who now know only the post-breakup version of you) – you’ll be less tempted to rehash “old times”
4) Remind yourself you have as much right to be there as your ex
5) Mentally prepare yourself for the possibility of bumping into any mutual acquaintances or the ex. You just want to have a game plan/script in your head ready. Top athletes visualize a successful race before they hit the track, down to what shoes they’ll wear. While you won’t necessarily have complete control of the situation should it arise, it won’t be as big of a shock to system since you’ve played it out in your head.
6) If you do have get emotional, forgive yourself and say, “OK, that happened…now I’m one step closer to being healed!” And let it go.

Hope those help! Based on what you wrote it sounds like you’re handling everything very maturely and with grace. Clearly the universe is calling you back to this city for a reason. If I were a gambling woman, I’d bet that this a step you need to take find peace and that you’ll soon recover your inner strength before you know it. The more you experience and do the more the old memories and feeling will be pushed out by new ones. Soon you’ll stop thinking of the place as “where I met (Ex’s Name)” but “where I met (new person) and did (awesome activity)”.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.

Jessica,

Don’t worry about the length of your post. You were actually quite concise! And it’s not stupid either. These type of experiences seem very common in the dating world, so please show yourself some compassion and give yourself loving messages. Friends with benefit situations are fraught with emotional landmines because they so rarely have clearly defined rules/expectations.

Now, I’m of the opinion that regardless of what arrangement/relationship with an individual (platonic friend, committed monogamous romantic partnership, etc.) that you *always* have the right to speak up when the other person is doing something that is hurtful. The fact that he gets mad and defensive when you bring up things that bother you is, in my opinion, a red flag. (Doubly so because he doesn’t apologize afterwards.)

I encourage you to re-evaluate if you want someone in your life who doesn’t treat your with the utmost respect. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard to cut ties…sounds like he has a lot of positive attributes and he definitely has a connection with you…but if he’s not showing you basic courtesies like finishing a conversation, it may be healthier for you in the long run to let him go.

Best of luck to you! I hope my words help!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.

Hi Norg!

One of the best books I’ve read on dating/love is “If the Buddha Dated” by Charlotte Kasl. In it she suggests when we’re scared to do this exercise – take what your fear to its most logical conclusion. It works like this…

“I’m scared of getting hurt again.”
What would happen if it did?
“I’d cry for days.”
Then what?
“I’d never date again.”
Then what?
“I’d be alone.”
Then what?
“I’d be lonely.”
Then what?
“I’d want to call my friend.”
Then what?

You get the idea. Eventually you break down it down into bite sized pieces and it’s no longer so overwhelming, and you can think about it with a clear mind.

I don’t know if that helps, but when I read your message I thought of that. Only other words I leave you with is don’t let possible worst case scenarios dictate your life. Someone once said, “I regret the things I haven’t done, more than the things I have.” You don’t know what will happen. You may fall out of love…or it may last until your dying day! Who knows!

Sending loving kindness your way.

Oh Lyla, I’m so sorry! What a mind f**k (pardon me, I can’t think of my delicate way to put it).

I’ll echo anita’s advice of getting in touch with a therapist or other mental health professional. Maybe join a support group of women who’ve gone through something similar. The scars (both of body and mind) of a physically abusive relationship most often need serious treatment. I encourage you every-time you’re tempted to feel sorry for him to instead channel those energies and thoughts inward instead – start brainstorming what your need to get through this. It will be a challenge to do all that mental unpacking, but it will be so worth it!

Finally – and this should go without saying – if this dude reaches out to you again, firmly tell him not to contact you ever again. If it escalates and he becomes violent again, get the police involved. Change your phone #. Move. Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Otherwise, take good care of yourself. Go see a funny movie, spend time with those that care about you, get a mani/pedi…whatever! Self care is the best prescription for withdrawals!

Feist fan?

Coma, you mentioned you just had a baby, did the symptoms you describe start then? It may be related to (Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor) postpartum depression/anxiety, which is quite common. Like previous posters said above, absolutely consult a professional right away! There’s no shame in asking for help.

Also, if you haven’t already, let friends and family know you’re just going through a tough time and need some space. I’m sure they’re worried about you! When you’re up to it, and ready to see them, don’t be shy in saying, “hey, I can’t do (insert activity name here), but I’d love to schedule a phone date (or whatever you’re comfortable doing). Depending on how close you are with them, I bet they’d be willing to help with housework, bring you a meal, or watch your newborn while you get caught up on stuff.

Sending much love and light your way!