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Perspectives would be appreciated! Having lots of trouble getting over breakup.

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  • #109692
    Allison
    Participant

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

    I’m 20 years old and started dating this guy last year in September – he wanted to date me and I didn’t have much interest, but he persisted and I found myself starting to like him. We dated until January, but the whole relationship felt shallow. I ALWAYS felt unfulfilled and like there was something missing, and he barely put in any effort. BUT, he was a nice guy, and I started to like him more and more.

    In January, he became very distant and I told him things needed to change. We took about 24 to ourselves without talking, and I showed up to talk thinking I was the one who was going to demand change and he would beg me to stay (vain of me, I know). Right when I arrived, he gave me a cliche 2-minute break up talk and I left. “You’re a nice girl but it just isn’t working.” He’s shown no signs of missing me since, and is now recently with a new girlfriend.

    I’m confused and have felt very rejected for about 6 months now. The ridiculous part is, I KNOW I don’t want to be with this guy. It’s such a vain and awful reason for me to be upset, but I can’t shake seem to shake the feeling of not being good enough. It was bearable at first, but this past week hearing all about his new girlfriend has been killing me. How do I not get down on myself? How do I not sit and wonder why I wasn’t good enough when all I did was give everything I could? If any of you have had similar experiences with rejection, I would be so grateful to hear your stories.

    #109706

    Hi Allison,

    You just described my last serious relationship! So I may have some insights that will hopefully be helpful:

    I think the experience of falling for someone you weren’t initially interested in – and then have said person go and reject you – can be quite bewildering. I did some brutally honest self reflection I came up with a couple of very important realizations:

    1) I settled – it’s not that I was “better” than him (I wasn’t – and he was actually a very handsome/accomplished man), but it was that he lacked a lot of qualities I was looking for in a partner (emotionally mature, healthy communication, sexual compatibility, etc.).
    2) There was just enough compatibility / interest to keep the relationship alive, but not enough for it to flourish – it was like a houseplant that needed full sunlight but was in a shaded corner…sure it still had all its leaves, but it never grew no matter how much you water or fertilizer you used
    3) The reason why I entered into the couple was I thought it was the best I could do and I was lonely – that was the most sobering.

    Now, the good news was after I did this I knew what went wrong and I started the personal work to fix it. It’s still an on going process, but very healing.

    Another thing that helped was cutting myself some slack. It’s really a challenge for most people to not be drawn to someone who ardently pursues them. It’s very flattering to down right seductive! Plus, in someways I applauded myself for rolling the dice and taking a chance on the guy. Too many people are at the other end of the spectrum when it comes to dating, being extra picky and demanding people hit every checkbox on their list of traits they want in a mate – “oh, he’s 5’11”, I only date people over 6 feet tall”, etc.

    Finally, just because the person “rejected” you (I use quotes, because in reality he just finally saw what you in your bones knew all along – you weren’t a good fit – and he freed you), isn’t a reflection on your worth, your desirability, etc. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being, “he pursued me so much in the beginning and then went stone cold in the end – what did I do?” The reality is many people (of both genders, but men especially), love the thrill of the chase, and once they caught the object of their affection and the high wears off, they then start asking, “huh, well, is this person really right for me?” The guy should’ve asked those questions *before* he went after you! I’d be willing to bet he repeats a similar pattern until through dumb luck he finally pairs up with someone who’s a match. Problem is, in the process he never gains the tools (like introspection) to sustain a relationship. I’d also be willing to bet if you hadn’t starting putting his feet to the fire and pointing out issues, he may have been just fine allowing thing to keep coasting along…which is sad if you think about it!

    Well, I hope that provides you with some comfort / food for thought. I want to assure you the pain does go away. Be kind to yourself, and I have no doubt you’ll get through this *and* be stronger as a result.

    #109724
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Allison,

    I was where you were ~ but without the new girlfriend..

    The reply above put it best: It was “bewildering”. Bewildering is a perfect adjective.

    I was all, “What the..?” as I was the one with “higher mate value” if you compare our stats on paper (on a very surface-y level, he actually had a lot going for him!). I did settle, though, I’m not going to lie. He chased me, I eventually let him get me, we were happy, then we coasted, then HE broke up with ME (!), I was inexplicably devastated, and I would see him wandering about campus positively HAPPY! I felt like I was carrying the grief for both of us.

    Ironically, if I broke up with HIM, I would probably have been fine, and he would have been a bit of a mess.

    Why?

    Because being dumped/rejected triggers our primal and childhood abandonment issues. That’s all it is.

    Say, “Yup, there’s that primal Abandonment Equals Annihilation fear again!” Or, “Hello, repressed childhood!”

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
    #109747
    Dawn
    Participant

    Allison,

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know this feeling all too well! I believe Inky is right, for me it brought up rejection and abandonment issues. It was so hard to get over the fact that my ex didn’t want to be with me. I started trying to manipulating him back into my life when I too didn’t even want him. I just couldn’t handle that he didn’t want me!

    The important thing for me to remember, so I could move on, was I was good enough. It just wasn’t the man who was right for me. It has nothing to do with how “good enough” you are. It’s simply not the person you were meant to be with. Is a McNugget not good enough because they don’t fit in at Burger King? Nope, it’s just not the right fit.

    Try and remember you’re not meant for better things, just different things. He’s not meant for a “better” woman, just a different one. We don’t all get to have the experiences we want in life. All experiences just weren’t meant for us, just like all people aren’t meant for us.

    It took a while and I had to remind myself constantly that just because my ex didn’t want to be with me anymore doesn’t mean I wasn’t good enough for him. I’m just not right for him and he’s allowed to make that choice. Today I’m grateful he did because it opened me up to learn to love me again and follow my heart, which ended up bringing me an amazing man who WAS meant for me. Who knows how long I would have stayed in the relationship out of complacency.

    When I follow my heart the things that are attracted to my heart find me…I don’t have to do any chasing or clinging to fear of rejection.

    Try some self-love practices, there are tons of resources out there!

    #109767
    Allison
    Participant

    @bestpartofday

    Dawn, I couldn’t be more grateful for your reply!

    Hearing this from someone who went through the same emotions first-hand and has learned to accept the situation is very inspiring for me. Deep down I know the truth of the situation, as you know it’s just so hard to remember through all the emotions. I definitely will reflect on this.

    THANK YOU 🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Allison.
    #109769
    Allison
    Participant

    @miniaturebodhisattva – Thank you so much for your insight. It blows my mind that there are strangers out there who would care enough to help me through something like this – and you have no idea how much your words have helped. Everything you said was SPOT-ON and I have already re-read it about 5 times today. Thank you:)

    #109779
    Dawn
    Participant

    You’re so welcome and that’s what community is for! It’s already in you. Sometimes we need to walk through it all and suddenly we’re on the other side with wisdom and gratitude! This experience will allow you help help someone else in the future, the same way we all did hhere.

    #109798

    @allison219, no problem! I’ve found the advice of the people on these forums to be such a blessing. I’m grateful folks here dispense their opinions and insight in both an honest and compassionate manner. We’re all dealing with issues on life’s journey, and I personally believe one of the things that helps both yourself and others is to reach out to another human being…even if it’s something simple. So thank *you* for allowing me the opportunity to pay it forward! 🙂

    #110020
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I am no expert, as you can probably tell from my thread, but there can be a lot of reasons why you get shot down. As people have said, there is the thrill of the chase thing. Basically, ooh, look, shiny.

    There is also the fact that people frequently don’t know what they really want. And, because of that, they may do things that don’t make sense long-term.

    But, it can be a learning experience to find out more about yourself.

    #110157
    Christian Mills
    Participant

    Hey there Allison,

    I feel your pain and it’s weird because like you I never felt fulfilled or really loved. But now it’s over I feel so utterly empty!! So if you find any answers please let me know.

    #110180
    Evan
    Participant

    Hi Allison,

    What a great thread, and fantastic advice!! I can not add much at all, as the lovely people above have nailed it in my mind.

    I can only add, that this is far more of an internal journey than an external one. Your reactions and feelings serve to highlight those things hidden away that are sometimes not so pleasant to address.

    The answers you seek always are internal. The external is merely a reflection of what is going on inside.

    You can never derive love, peace, joy, acceptance, gratitude and courage externally, so those are the things to ‘do’ to yourself, and in that process, the revelation of what was hiding deep down will come to light.

    With gratitude

    Evan

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