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September 5, 2021 at 1:13 pm in reply to: How can seek comfort in loss? How can I trust myself and my intuition? #385802
While I find sharing my past threads both illuminating and heartbreaking, I find it hard in how listing all of these themes is beneficial to my inquiry. I feel like the way these themes that are listed were almost presented in a chronological manner; which is not helpful.
I feel like I’ve also grown from my previous relationships and have done good work in improving my self worth, feeling less shameful in having emotions, and improving my communication skills from my earlier behaviors. Your response fails to acknowledge this nor even provides the inquiry to illuminate this. Instead it mad me feel like a failure in relationships who is incapable of communicating. Who is a source of emotional distress to potential partners. Who is needy and incapable to empathize due to being neglected when younger. That was hurtful to hear, and again how does that response help answer: “How can I seek comfort in loss? How can I trust myself and my intuition?”
I acknowledge now that I do get anxiety in relationships with men and this is where I am doing most of my work. I am working on communicating how I feel and where my anxiety is coming from. I know my communication has improved by taking the necessary steps of asking for space to process, to be ask more questions and not assume, and ‘challenge’ the negative thought pattern. Additionally, I enjoy listening to my partner’s experience; it helps me see them see the situation differently and not let my anxiety take over. Also, I don’t want them to agree with me, but to just emotionally support.
Although not mentioned, when the person I was seeing expressed how deeply he was still heartbroken from his last relationship and in love he was — I immediately felt for that. I was holding both his vulnerability in expressing this information to me and also my need to feel safe too in a relationship with him. I knew my anxiety would take over if I stayed so I provided in my opinion a healthy boundary to be on a break so he could reflect more on his hurt feelings without my presence. It felt right because he agreed as well.
I decided to write another post on here, because setting healthy boundaries is a step towards addressing my anxiety and emotions. I was seeking on how to better lean into that since that is new, and just like anything that is new it can feel uncomfortable. However, your response failed to support that.
However, it is difficult to not respond to the followed up post itself. So here is my response:
All of the themes were painful to read, but the most difficult one was (3) since it is not in my nature to discourage someone for trying. If anything I will reflect more on this one. It is not so much that I want my partner to calm down my emotional distress, but instead I want to feel emotionally safe with my partner in a conversation. When I try to express a relationship concern after reflection and talking calmly, my most recent partner would stonewall, interrupt or use words such as ‘always’ and ‘never’ so it made me feel emotionally unsafe which made it feel like emotional vulnerability is difficult for them. So some of my old habit patterns would come up … but instead of ‘crying’ or ‘shouting’ or ‘blaming’ … I shut down. I go silent.
So instead of speaking up about it due to the fear of going into this cycle … I was beginning to ‘hide my feelings’ and becoming a scared to voice up anything — which is not in alignment with how I want to grow… so I brought up the conversation on what are some ways we could work on showing emotionally availability. Offered some examples, and he was open to them. He states that it was very hard for me because he feels like he still not over his past relationship…which brings me back to the conversation in my initial post above.
Thank you for attempting to answer my initial post and taking the time read it — I don’t expect a response, and no longer really seeking one here.September 5, 2021 at 7:46 am in reply to: How can seek comfort in loss? How can I trust myself and my intuition? #385759
Thanks Anita, I look forward to what you have to say and welcome other’s perspectives. I would like to share another thing I’m holding, which are the feelings being heartbroken by someone who is heartbroken from the beginning when dating. I wish I had known sooner so that I could protective myself … he communicated wanting a relationships, valued deeper connections, and continued to voice this while still dating me. Even said he still wants to be with me only if I don’t make his situation about the heartbreak an issue — which makes me feel like he does not truly want to be with me. or not truly wanting to be vulnerable and emotionally available. Am I wrong for also thinking this?
He often tells me that I derive incorrect conclusions based on a ‘feeling’ — so it makes me doubt myself. However, I can’t help but wonder though at the same time, I wouldn’t feel such shame by making irrational conclusions or voicing how I feel, if he showed he cared for me instead of focusing on what’s right or wrong. It makes me feel like his words do not match his actions.February 23, 2017 at 1:32 pm in reply to: What does true romantic love mean to you? How does it look like? #129081
Thank you Ellie for sharing that I am not alone. Hopefully, more answers would come about in the future for the both of us 🙂
If not, then it would then only depend on personal life experiences as the answer.
I think that an important question to ask yourself is why do you value love? More specifically the romantic type of love relationship? Once you have truly answered that question for yourself you will begin to either A) further emphasize what you already know about love, or B) perhaps discover something much deeper than you were expecting about yourself.
In regards to what you said about wondering if someone will ever want to be in a relationship with you, well, those are negative thoughts that sometimes we create in our mind based on either consistent experiences or assumptions that may not be true. During that time we generally think something is wrong with us and concluding that we are not valued by another person. However, it may not be case. Perhaps that person that left you/ignored you/rejected you, or whatever [insert some other type of reason to end communication], is not fully ready to commit, which I would extremely emphasize, it’s not you, it’s them! Or perhaps there is an area that we need to explore more about ourselves and what it means to be in a relationship with someone
I think that you have strong idea of you are right now, have surrounded yourself with activities that you value, and seem to have a good sense of self. I honestly think that if you continue to focus on yourself the right people will come into your life that may surprise you.
I hope that helps somehow and would love to hear your thoughts about what you think love is for you!
To Maria Mango:
I agree with what you stated that it is not on him. It is just challenging for me to fully embrace those thoughts, when I am feeling deep emotions of pain and hurt.
You have definitely provided two questions that I need to explore and discover. I am not quite sure and will have to think on it (and journal). I am also unsure what conclusions I would find, but I will definitely post it here just to express it.
I think that it will also help me determine what kind of friendship I would like to maintain with this person (or even if I want to maintain any type of relationship with them).
Thank you for your kind and supportive words.
To Anita: I can see how it was a little unclear. We never started an “official” relationship. I suppose you could say that we were dating (trying to get to know each other) back in November until February. Around February I was seeing myself develop stronger feelings for him by wanting to spend more time with each other, wanting to kiss more often, etc. I noticed from his actions that he was not feeling the same way. So I addressed it by having a conversation with him about what he was looking for (he stated that he wasn’t sure, but still didn’t want a relationship). When I heard his response, I told him that it was best to be friends because I didn’t want to get hurt in the long run. When I told him that, he asked me if I was sure that is what I wanted, and I said yes. So we decided to be friends. My hope was that I would get to know him more as a friend by still communicating how we did before when we were getting to know each other, but without the intimacy. However, he changed. Stopped texting, calling, and being interested. So I thought I shouldn’t invest in being really great friends, but distance ones. That went on until April.
In May, we kissed and we started being more physically intimate, as well as doing more “couple-like” activities. Going to the movies/dinner/coffee alone together, hanging around a group but always being near each other, texting daily…all things that I thought would lead to something more. However, now here I am when we had our most recent conversation (the third paragraph in my original post).
I hope that provides more a context and clarity.