greenshade,

Thank you for your kind words and positivity . I appreciate you taking the time to reply, your advice has been helpful. I hope that you are well and continue to find inner peace.

Anita,

The reason I say that is actually because of what other people have told me, what they have observed. I’ve always felt like I was a darker person, and when I say that I mean, for as long as I can remember depression has always been in my life. Very mildly at times but there was always something there. I thought maybe its just my personality, maybe I was just a pessimist, “a realist,”  and I never recognized negative self talk was a default for me. I was always a loner growing up, always felt misunderstood, uncomfortable and not confident in myself. So when people would tell me that I had everything seemingly ‘together’ I would always be surprised. I would think to myself, “you have no idea how much I wish I had self-confidence that other’s around me seem to have” or “why do I worry and think so much? I wish i could stop it.” I minimize my accomplishments and have never been able to accept compliments well. I would always tell people “psssh, I haven’t done anything special that someone else could not have done better.” And that’s sad. I follow everything positive I do with a negative comment, or downplay it. To me I always wasn’t doing good enough, I could always do more…I felt sad, lonely, confused, & less than. But on the outside I was cool as a cucumber. I even had someone in a group therapy session tell me “I would never have guessed you struggle with depression because you seem so carefree and full of life.” Crazy!

It’s not until I reach moments where I’m about to completely collapse or fall apart that people notice I have a problem. Then I guess, I just appear erractic. Part of that is my fault though, because I don’t open up until its a little too late. Not a lot of people see the darker side of me ( I don’t have close friends).  So idk, to answer your question, how I manage to appear calm to others…maybe I’m just good at wearing a mask, ignoring myself…but I’ve done it for a long time.

Hello again Ms. Anita!

Many thanks! I have been through several sessions of CBT, group therapy, 2 inpatient, and 1 intensive outpatient program now. Learning and being introduced to the things like “all-or-nothing thinking” hasn’t always shed light or been easy for me to apply in my life, unfortunately. When I was younger, I always thought “what a load of crap.” Now that I’ve had my recent crisis all the things I wasn’t noticing before are starting to make sense and I’m applying as many of the tools I’ve learned to every situation that I can. My perspective is changing. It is very uncomfortable to not go back to old habits of negative thinking but I keep telling myself its only because “this is new and I am in a state of growth.”

Another thing, you said my writing doesn’t reflect me being a mess. I am not surprised you said that. I unfortunately am the type of person that appears calm, collected and together but also happens to be screaming inside. I do not share my feelings and am very reluctant to seek help. I think thats why I was able to go so long “looking put together” to outsiders… until I just hit the wall 🙁

Thank you Manuel,

I am sorry that your sister had to go through that, BUT I am glad she is safe and living a happier life now. Thank you so much for sharing. Stories like that are amazing. When I read about people turning things around, its just hard for me to recognize that I have the same strength to do it for myself…I am working on that. I want to believe that things will get better, the hard part is knowing that they will and actually believing. My depression and anxiety aren’t something new, they have always kind of been with me. They cloud my mind and I get stuck in negative patterns of thinking ALL THE TIME. I appreciate the advice. I will think about your sister’s journey and try to remind myself that I’m just waiting to come out the other side, a better and stronger person.