You do not have to be a mother if you do not want to.

You do not have to have another abortion if you do not want to.

It’s very hard to advise on this because this really is your call to make and nobody else’s. I don’t think there’s any shame or blame in having an abortion, but I’ve never had one. I don’t know, and can’t know, exactly what you went through, and what the emotional and psychological fallout has been for you.

This is a tough decision. It’s OK to need time with it. And although the person making the choice is ultimately you, that doesn’t mean you have to make it alone. Talk to your partner, your doctor, a counsellor. What would need to be in place for you to have a baby, for adoption or to raise yourself, and to still live a good life? What would need to be in place for you to have an abortion, and still live a good life?

I wish for you clarity, wisdom, and courage. And whatever you choose, I wish for a good life for you.

Love and let go.

It seems to me that the issue is not so much whether this guy and you get together or not (although I understand that’s what you’re worried about) but your attempts to open up more and share and connect with people. This can be difficult but it’s also very rewarding.

I think that you’re a bit fixated on this particular person, because it’s the first time you’ve really connected with someone, and it feels like this is the only person you could ever connect to. But maybe there’s another lesson you could draw: that you’re not necessarily “meant to be alone”, that you can connect to people, that you like connecting to people and it’s worth making the effort and spending time with others and opening up even if it doesn’t always work out like a magic rainbow ride.

You love this guy. That’s fine. That’s great! He’ll probably always be a little bit special to you. But let go of the idea that he’s the only special person out there. There are thousands. Keep mingling and you’ll find more of them.

Good luck.

Just to clarify what I was referring to:

From your post, emphasis mine:

In your 20s you don’t want to close many doors so I would say make sure to take a position of some sorts… Whether it be teach for america, a monastery, or if necessary a regular 9 to 5 job.. You could possibly push back graduation. Just don’t have a huge gap on your resume for years.

[…]

Honestly man, everyone is so preoccupied with their life that they time to care about what you do … So just do what you think makes sense for your personality and financially.

[…]

Its good you want to help other people. However realize alot of these jobs don’t pay very well go start (or ever)… Are you OK with that? Just realize if you are a professional volunteer that the super hot club girls won’t be interested. Money talks in the social scene once you’re out of school. Just telling you reality. The dating scene is a lot different out of college. You go from top of the world (senior) to bottom of the totum pole. Its a rough transition. Materialism in the US is rampant.

[End quote]

You’re talking to someone who’s expressed interest in being a monk, and who wants to get out of the standard life trap. It just seems weird to me that you’d tell him to make sure he worries about what his CV is going to look like. Or what the hot club girls are going to think.

In other threads you show a preoccupation with rich and famous people which, frankly, baffles me. “Even the rich and famous get their hearts kicked around.” The statement is not untrue, but so what? And why would we expect otherwise? “Even plumbers get their hearts broken!” True, but — ???

As for sexism, you regularly make sweeping statements about women as if they’re some kind of separate species, but what stuck in my craw was the hot club girl comment already quoted (There’s also a hot blonde casually mentioned — out of nowhere, there’s no hot blonde anywhere else in the thread — aggravating the situation):

“Just realize if you are a professional volunteer that the super hot club girls won’t be interested.”

This implies, unpleasantly, that super hot club girls are the only women worth having. Combined with your insistence, elsewhere, that your opinion is worth taking seriously because of how beautiful your wife is (and the girls you dated before her) betray a rather sexist attitude: a woman’s value can be reduced to her beauty, and success in life, or at least relationships, comes down to landing the most beautiful woman you can.

If that’s your version of reality, I don’t like it. Yes, it offends me. I sincerely hope that you will stop saying these kinds of things.

As for your questions:

Is it not true that being in a serious romantic relationship can often cloud a very young person’s judgement?
Is it not true that being in a serious career can cloud a very young person’s judgement? Or being part of a highly politicised group? Or going to a particular college? Is it not true that being in a serious romantic relationship can give a very young person invaluable life experiences and joy? Why do you feel the need to warn this particular person against romantic relationships, in particular?

Is it not true that some women value material wealth above all?
This is likely to be true, as women vary and value all kinds of stuff, like men do. Some percentage of people are wealth-driven, I accept this. But you are talking to someone who’s expressed interest in being a monk, or at least getting off the beaten track and giving the rat race a big middle finger. Why on earth would a person like that be interested in a woman who values material wealth above all? That is clearly not going to be a good match, so he doesn’t have to worry about those women. Why would you even bring them up? They have nothing to do with this situation.

Is it not true that many men and women have selfish needs and wants in this world?
Is it not true that we are here, on Tiny Buddha, because we are attracted to Buddhist teachings? Are we not all, in our varied ways, trying to be less selfish and ego-driven? CJ clearly is, he’s interested in helping people and making the world better. Why are you advising against being selfless, and reminding him to make sure he worries about that gap in his CV and what the hot club girls are going to think?

Christopher, do you think it’s possible for you to dial down on the sexism in your posts? And on the rampant materialism, which may not be super appropriate in a Buddhist environment?

Wow. That is so rough. He clearly wants to be kind to you, but he just doesn’t want to be with you. I’m so sorry for your pain.

What you do now is slowly put yourself back together one day at a time. At least you know it’s done and he’s not coming back, so you can close the door on any uncertainty even if you don’t know why things didn’t work out. You should know that it’s OK to still love him. It doesn’t mean you can’t live without him, it just means that your love for him is going to hurt for a while. But in the end, he has to be true to his heart, as well. You both tried, and it didn’t work. It was never going to work. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just weren’t right for each other.

Make an effort to eat well, but be kind to yourself when that’s just not possible right now, and try again at the next meal. Try to go to sleep at a regular time, avoid coffee, do some exercise and all that stuff that’s supposed to help you sleep. But again, forgive yourself if you don’t manage it, and try again the next day.

Keep making the effort. Keep going till the day is done. And then tackle the next day. You will love again. Life will regain its colour. Believe in life. All my best wishes.

Hey you,

To be honest, you seem to have a decent handle on this situation. Yes, assertiveness rather than *~*kindness*~* (actually, avoidance and resentment) would have been a more helpful approach here. But you know what? It’s done. You handled it as best you could with the knowledge and experience available to you at that time, and you made it through ok. It was horrible, but here you are, and you have more knowledge now, and more experience, and you can practice assertiveness in the future.

That’s all you need to do. If you start beating on yourself again, just give that self a time-out. Be like: “Hey, self, I don’t like it when you talk to me like that. I did what I did, and got the results that I got. I learned from it, and this case is now closed.”

Let go. Keep letting go. Be kind to yourself, including your past self, who didn’t know how to handle the situation and was under a lot of pressure. She doesn’t need more judgement now for not handling everything as best as freaking possible. We all lose our temper sometimes. Past you was a human, and deserving of love despite occasional “mistakes”.

I’m full of nothing but understanding and friendliness for past you, and I hope with time you can be, too.

EDIT: I just wanted to make clear that this kind of *~*kindness*~* is exactly the kind I suffer from, and I have been in your shoes. It doesn’t mean my kindness isn’t valid or real, it is. It just means that I need to keep an eye on how I really feel when I’m doing someone else’s washing up, and picking up someone else’s socks from the livingroom floor. Kindness is a feeling. May it grow in you and me and all.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Will.

Hey, I just discovered your other thread. I see Matt had some good advice for you. Seems like you have come a ways. Keep walking.

I really don’t know what else to tell you. As long as you keep framing this pain as something other people did to you, you will not be free of it. As long as you think the only way to be free of pain would be to change the past, you will continue to hurt.

Good luck, man, I got nothing more to say.