Do you prefer that I address you as Dear Birdman, from now on?)

Lol, address me as you like, i didn’t leave religion to go to another religion and be a follower again, that’s why i said i perfer birdman, but really you can say anything you like, i don’t mind

 talked and talked to him and he didn’t say a word, not a single word!

I wish mine didn’t say a word, at least i wouldn’t felt so much bothered by her misunderstanding, by giving terrible advises

how does your room look like

Alright i guess, would sent a photo but i can’t, i might upload it in some site and sent the link? I don’t mind really, i don’t have a lot of things, so its kinda clean, my mother always clean the whole house including my room, but really i don’t have a lot of things, and i don’t really make it dirty

do you stay at home all day

I try to, since its very comfy

go shopping

Almost everyday, since we are a full family and no one buys food and things but me, sometimes my big brother does some things, but its mostly me

how does your day look like:

I think i told you my routine, but since you asked, i will answer anyway, i wake up usually with a good mood, i listen to music while i make my breakfast, before i do that, i eat an apple or some fruit, while watching a movie, sometimes i skip the movie and go to workout, just corrective exercise, for my lower back and upper back, since i set a lot, i only do this when its neccessary, sometimes i even workout (weight lifting), i kinda have a home gym, but i haven’t workout since 2 weeks i think, the medication makes me sleepy most of the day (i thought it supposed to give energy not take it lol), but it really doesn’t bother me, if i workout, in the same day, i make the proper food, and kinda make a plan for what exercise/ what muscle i should target, i have a somehow good body, i can make more muscle but i don’t want to really, my goal of doing workout is to have fun actually, since i really like hitting a muscle and see the result, since im kinda perfectionist in this side, i like to have full energy, actually i haven’t worked out much, but there is more result then i ever had even when i went to the gym, its a hard thing to do so i need the mindset and the energy to actually perform right so i can see an actual result

Anyways i watch a movie, go smoke a cigarette in the roof, to also get some sun i guess, i usually do different things everyday, but yes i don’t go out, unless i have to, i used to go for walks, but that was to fight boredom, luckily with the medication this is no longer neccessary

when you get outside, what do you see

I see loneliness, how different i am from those people, i see people playing this game called life, sometimes i see girls, and remember what i lost, i see them and know that they don’t like me, and i don’t like them either, i see robots not aware of thier programming, just acting in this theater, not knowing there is strings, i see married couple and get jealous, remind myself that i choose this solitary life, thats its my fault i feel so lonely, that it will never change unless i do something, knowing that i won’t do anything, a never ending gulit, and the other option is filled with obstacles, a never ending problems, what beautiful choices, i sometimes remember that this solitary life deprived me from meeting people like you, and then pain, filled with guilt and wishes, i lost it, and will never have it, sometimes i deny how much i want this, connection/ intimacy, i want it so much that i don’t want it anymore, maybe somehow i have it while keeping my self respect, my personality, but no, im doomed to this lonely way of living, sometimes i say that the future is open, and that anything could happen, but nothing will happen if i don’t do anything, im not even here, i died a long time ago, and this flesh what remins of me, just a body, and i can’t have anything while being this way, a nothing gets nothing!

This is the most personal/ vulnerable thing I ever shared with anyone in these forums, and I am sharing it with you

I will hear this with my full attention and power, and it means something to me, the only person in the world to me likes it, one of the few none norime person

The western philosophers you mentioned studied the published work of pre-modern Iraqi philosophers.

Its true, one of the earliest philosophers were from iraq, from the great school, though most of them was influenced by islam, i think islam set a limit to the question one can ask, but again there is a type of Islamic people

I will be writing the following because it interests me, you are welcome to skip any of it that doesn’t interest you:

I will read anything you write

the hero of his book is a Stranger, he does not play the social game.. he is not a Normie (Murtaza’s term!)

While i try to avoid philosophers and thier philosophy and followers, i do admit that they have ideas similar to mine, and they say it even better, im not very good with words, my definition of a non norime is similar (i think) to the definition of frederick Nietzsche (Übermensch), while i don’t like that idea, because it removes my individuality, the thing i worked hard for, and just so you know, most norimes do read Nietzsche, in here there is a thing for “educated” people to worship both Nietzsche and Freud, and some of them are musilms, thus i dislike when someone compares me to a philosopher that norimes read about, i rather have the worst but original idea, then to follow a good one that most people does

read like she was/ is hopeless, that she was not able or willing to imagine that you can help her, that your love for her can make her feel better (?)

I don’t think she want my love, she said that she only like me as a friend, there is a whole persona she don’t show me because she knows i don’t like it, for example her liking to philosophers, in our conversation before i was dumb enough to say i don’t like them, she told me that i make fun of her interest, its just make my heart fall apart, i want her to share her whole persona with me, but she already think i won’t like them, and she don’t like talking about something knowing the other person doesn’t like it, or not interested, she thinks i don’t care about anything (which is true) but for her i can care, i don’t know how can i explain this to her, maybe she don’t even want to, i should ask her actually, im thinking making another account, but i hate liying, maybe i could see her for herself, without filtering, she filtered herself and our conversation

You value unconditional love (a love that is not conditioned on societal expectations), but you don’t believe it is possible for you.

I value a love that come from understanding and connection, a one that doesn’t need external things in order to be met, if money is a requirement for love, then it doesn’t matter to me, since i won’t be loved for myself, but for the money i have, i like myself right now, i don’t see any problem in it, and i don’t understand the need to change in order to be loved, i don’t think unconditional love exist in a adults relationship, and if it does then its not healthy, it should be conditional, but for me not by external things, but internal, i acknowledge the need for external in my situation, but i don’t see it worth while, especially when im expecting unconditional love

The why i don’t think its possible, is more like a guess, a guess based on evidence, lots of evidence, i wanna actually see other evidence, but anytime i try to talk to a girl, a lot of pain comes up, the last time i tried the girl said “not worth it”, just because i was vulnerable, “you are even more girly then girls themselves”, and this was a person who could speak English, and bit educated, thats why i approached her

when this happened, i had the desire to change and work, she told me something “that’s the difference between us, i work to satisfy my goal, you don’t” i felt so much guilt, and then i thought of working, making my desire possible, and not wait for a miracle, it was good, and i thanked her, even when she was mean to me, she made me feel love, she was also suffering, and i wished i could help her, “you will never understand how to be emotionaless” her words, she assumed so much about my life

A friend of mine (by friend here i mean a person i talked to) also talked to her, and now she is his girlfriend, nearly, i felt anxious ofcourse, pain like no other, he is younger then me, but he works, i guess norimes likes each other, i actually was glad i didn’t continue talking to her, knowing she is just another norime, just another robot controlled by society ideas and beliefs, but i didn’t stop talking to her, she did, i never underestimate people, or make them feel inferior, i actually understood why she treated me the way she did, and i don’t hate her, i actually still feel her pain, and feel sorry for her, not in a bad way, but i understand that her behavior must come from a lot of pain, she is just not compatible with me, norimes aren’t compatible with me, they aren’t inferior or superior, maybe in some areas, but overall we just dealt a different cards

This is what happens when i speak to a norime, i had so much guilt, i was suicidal, and out of self loathing and hating my life, i wanted to work, to disrespect everything that i stand for, the ultimate betrayal, to go against everything i value and like, just to fit in, and have the basic needs, maybe, then i won’t need people like her, i will buy a wife (yes actually in iraq it does work like that) but it wouldn’t mean anything with this mind

Am I exact in what I wrote above, and did I not mention any other goals and values?

Yes, everything you say is a goldmine 😀

I just wrote something and my page refreshed, so its gone, i guess it wasn’t much, i just had a glimpse, when i checked the song you mentioned, that there is a person in the other side of the world, listening to this, actually talking to me, and what a wonderful person this is, i wish that i actually do something to such person, something that somehow benefit him, i remember i told you about the female friend i had, she is also from Iraq and had similar ideas, she is just too beautiful, she suffers a lot, and i want to help her, though i don’t know, i tried to listen to her, to let her talk about her suffering, i feel her pain, i wanna make it less, the last time we talked, it only seems to bother her, so i stopped, i just wish things were different, i told her i love her, she told me she not interested in love, she just wanna live, the thing is, she misunderstand what i meant by love, she thinks its romantically, but in reality its the same love we having, it hurts me to know that i can’t help her, i tried everything, she just won’t allow me to get this far, i always like to imagine my love to her is more like an artist loving a painting he saw, just admiring the details, appreciating it.

I remember after i told her that i love her, i had a dream, i dreamt i was in my bed, then i just remembered that i lost her, and started crying, but the cry was werid, it was very suppressed, i wanted to tell her, but i felt its too personal, besides it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t change anything, before i tell her i love her, i felt guilty for not doing what i can to be a better person, to be liked by her, maybe its the job, maybe its my pessimistic views, maybe its my desires and goals, i wish i was exactly what she want, maybe she will love me then, what would that cost? To me, everything. But when i told her, she told me that it isn’t my fault, its just that she isn’t interested in these kind of things, i didn’t fix her misunderstanding of the word love, but i didn’t see a point anyway, i like to let people think what they want, to make the image they want about me, when we first talked, i didn’t care much how you see me, but to just see me, the real me, then accept and understand, that’s the point, that’s the hard thing for me to do, since both my mother and uncle have this “this person have to like me” belief, and i had to fight this, i might take it too far sometimes, but i see it as an absolute win, to be myself infornt of people that i know exactly will hate me/dislike me

im glad that you enjoy our conversation

followed by disappointment, of course

i like that line 😀

 if only there is just one woman, just one (in the area where you live), who would be okay with you not working, etc., you just need one for this parallel universe to be your own.

even if there is, its nearly impossible to talk to her, since in iraq there is no social settings, and people never take online thing seriously, even if i somehow talked to her, then what?

and out of nowhere a thought in regard to not having a woman in your life hits your brain, feeling like a slap

let me correct myself, not out of nowhere, often i see something or hear something that reminds me

Annoyance, jealousy, anger- these are energies-in-motion that are attached (at least at times) to thoughts of other men having what you don’t

not only of the thought that a man having what i want, but that i can’t have such thing, and that’s its partly my fault (for not working towards such thing)

 is that sometimes you feel peace or indifference to the the idea of never having a woman in your life, but too often you don’t feel peace or indifference to the idea

the way i see it, is that its just my programming, valuing women too much and have a dreamy thinking on how it could be to be in a relationship,  the thing i try to do, is see the truth, the bad sides of relationships, especially in iraq, if you say relationship in iraq, the very next thing that appears to anyone minds is marriage (responsibility), to me this feels like a cage, i actually have no desire to start a family, just gets my needs met, in my previous post i said i might have a daughter, i only say this thing if this went perfect, which they won’t, i will never bring anyone into this world, unless i know they gonna have a happy life, with this mindset, half…. , no actually most females won’t marry me, since their parents would want babies, with the combination of having no social settings with females, and the things i mentioned above, its actually smarter to just give up and save the unnecessary suffering, i actually have no choice here, i know that this is the truth, and im obligated to lessen my suffering and go for the easy way, i won’t forgive myself…. , no i would HATE myself if i do such thing

 I didn’t enjoy it much Thursday, I am not enjoying myself right now

i thought it was about my past remark, so i point it out to make sure

when we suffer less, make us desire life. This desire for life is hidden when we are depressed, but it is not gone

i actually don’t want to desire life, its too expansive for me

 there is a question mark at the end, making it a question, not an affirmative statement. There is a hidden desire to live in this title

yes, that is the dreamy thinking, hope you might say, although i was asking only for validation (and the hope is to be wrong)

your inborn desire to live

i don’t see these things worth it honestly, though i was just saying the things that i do have and feel grateful for, and to not be advised to change my lifestyle, since i already think this is the best one for me

 a desire that is a core characteristic in all that is alive

hmm, do i wanna survive? yes, do i wanna live? no (by living i mean the normal way), is survival worth it? no

these days, i feel so numb, a numbness like no other, i sometimes miss the sadness i used to feel all day when i wasn’t on drugs, the insomnia, the killer boredom, the urgent desire for intimacy, im glad all that is gone, i always wanted to live like this, a zombie, just existing

i wanted to ask you something, there is this thing, i will give an example, im sitting comfortably watching a movie and i remember what i lost (females) usually this idea doesn’t bother me i leaned to accept it, but when it comes fast in my mind, it feels like a slap out of nowhere, i get annoyed for 5 sec then it goes away, this happen often, if i see (in movies or social media) or think about this kind of thing, mostly its the jealousy thing, when i see someone else have what i really craved for, then i remember its my fault, then i just remember it doesn’t matter to me anymore, when this happen often i laugh or just say F**K, sometimes even loud, i remember reading something about this for the people that have OCD, though this is bit different, what do you think ?

I see you’re not too keen to work with a therapist, and not necessarily just because you don’t have money

oh really ? please tell me why on earth i would refuse a unconditional love, acceptance and compassionate

  (or almost impossible)

i can finally suffer in peace

but I’d like to say first that the core wounding happens in a relationship, therefore healing happens in the context of a relationship too

you even know the amount of luck to find such female, if she even exist in iraq? and the amount of girls i have to talk to just to find this person, the amount of change i have to do in order to be liked by any female that was programmed to like a normal person, a “man”, i have to meet a lot of requirement that i don’t have, in order to get any kind of female, let alone the one that even know that mental health actually exist, and haven’t been brainwashed by society ideas and beliefs, you clearly have no idea