and the best to do it is in therapy

not available, and if you gonna suggest online, i don’t have the money for it

 

and to receive what you haven’t received in childhood – love,  compassion, understanding, validation

is this step requires people ? if so then forget it

 

If you’d like to know some more, I’d be happy to answer.

yes more, without the need of therapy nor people, just me and as clear as you can be (meaning when you say accept anxiety, i want you to tell me what exactly do i say and do)

first thing for you to do is to stop trying to find a solution to suffering, stop looking for a way out- for the rest of 2021. For the rest of this year, give zero thought to ending your suffering, completely remove your attention from this topic. Do this today,  let me know how it feels for you, and we’ll take it from there

im not trying to find a solution, i already know what it is, and if you mean i should forget about it, i really can’t, when i know that its possible, as you said its legal in some countries, and i think its one of the best moves for me, im not only thinking about the present, but the future, i simply know that all this life would be meaningless if i go through it, if i had the choice to end it, i really should, another thing that we humans have a someone kind of a core element, we all want to stay out of pain, and seek pleasure, if by your replay you mean i shouldn’t stay out of pain, without a reward ? i really don’t think this is possible

 

you said that you enjoy replaying to me, in this post, you don’t sound like you are enjoying yourself

What I am clear about is that in no way do I feel intellectually superior to you

you are though, your post and the information you know, your emotional intelligence, at least from what i have seen, you are a better person then i will ever be, and that’s the truth, though im not comparing, since we have different lives and different minds, i actually never compare myself to anyone, because it will always be unfair and wrong, i have a really low emotional intelligence, i really think intelligence doesn’t matter, since it wouldn’t make the person happy, i laugh when i want to cry, i laugh when i feel bothered, i don’t even know how to deal with anxiety, i ignore it, try to re sure myeslf, doesn’t work, the only thing that works is sleep, otherwise the pain in my stomach never goes away, i have a really low self esteem, and i really don’t know how to make it higher, emotion is like a mystery to me, i need steps, order, to know what to do, when i read online about regulating emotion i just say “what on earth do i do?” i actually would appreciate any kind of advice regarding this subject

 

I could change your thinking because mine was superior to yours

if by superior you mean its better for the person then yes yours superior indeed, i actually wish i had your brain and your emotion,

 

 that I knew better

in life? definitely, in my life? i don’t think so

 

I am not sure that you want to read from me because you didn’t address me in your recent posts

of course i do, i just didn’t want to bother you anymore, with pointless posts, you already gave me what i came here for, i felt if im gonna address you, its better be for something important, and i realized my last few replays were pointless and bit repetitive, you said “i quit”, actually i quit too, i just got tired of saying the same things with different words over and over again, of explaining, of talking, although this is the only place to talk to people for me, when the conversation actually worth it,

 

death is permanent but the problems humanity faces were never temporary and they are getting worse

the way i see it is like this A. you live, experience both good and bad B. you die, not experiencing anything not even guilt or regret (so you won’t exist to lose the good), in that equation (and here im assuming its 50/50 for good and bad, which is kinda rare) your best bet would be death, unless its something like 80 good/ 20 bad, now in a case where its the opposite, wouldn’t be a mercy, a morally good thing to actually kill the person ? in your past replays you avoided such question respectfully (not disrespectfully) and i took it as yes, because if you would disagree you would provide an answer, this actually was my main post, and i understand why you avoided such question, don’t worry i won’t mention it again, and ignore this section of my replay freely

 

 It’s not only in Iraq: the U.S. is moving toward autocracy, led by the likes of an evil

i wish my problems were those, something i can blame the country for, then i can just live in some place else

 

is there a reasonable way to deny where we are going, what we are approaching???

there is both good and bad, the thing is, the future is truly unknown, we might discover aliens, we might leave the planet, anything could happen really, we even might discover a way to make our life longer

 

because I still find life interesting- notice, not necessarily joyful

i actually don’t see anything interesting, i rememer when i wanted to suicide, the only thing i thought im gonna miss, is all the music left undiscovered, all the great albums and songs, that i might like

 

We are close to the end result of irresponsible, corrupt and evil politicians and those others in power over the masses of people.

im gonna sound evil, but i like to see the world burn

 

 all this ending in death, all this magic, hope and desire of long-gone past.. it’s hard to grasp.

what magic? hope? yikes, also you forgot the “all the pain im gonna miss, all the guilt and fears and anxiety and emptiness that im not gonna experience, finally i wouldn’t feel so bad all the time, finally a rest”

 

I want to do the same thing myself.. I mean.. not to live by your rules and your way, but by my own

you made me laugh, though im glad we on the same page in this thing

If it’s a possibility, how do you relate to it?

i would say that a young lonely boy did what he can

 

Does it help you expand your perspective a bit, or you want to dismiss it?

its a good hypothesis actually, so no i don’t dismiss it, otherwise i wouldn’t have mentioned it

 

 I am sure that one part of you wants to dismiss it

sure, but that doesn’t change the fact that it still a solid hypothesis, that i acknowledge

 

but is there another part of you who considers it helpful?

its funny you mention parts, well there is a song, when i wanted to suicide i told my sister to listen to it, to know me, and my struggles, she didn’t liked it ofcourse, anyhow, if you wanna know what parts im in you should check it out (im the devil-lil b), to answer your question, i do think that i might did this whole thing to escape feeling bad, but this whole thing is based on truths, mostly, unless i get sneaky and use my own definitions, and im not just emotion (your claim that i did this whole thing for the only one goal), there is a mind that think and value things (truth), the truth is, i don’t wanna change, and i came here to have what i don’t have from the outside world, love accepting and understanding, and i already did, and im satisfied.

i remember i once talked to an old lady, around 50, the place in which we talked was strange, it was online of course, she understood me and accepted me in a time where i was so alone, it was back in 2019, feels like forever to me, anyway, as we talked she mentioned that i should join Buddhism, because i don’t like to fulfil my desires, i thought about it, and didn’t see much trouble in such life, though i would suffer greatly because of my need for love and intimacy, though i wanted to remove such need, or at least make it less, so that i don’t be so desperate for it, there must be something wrong, needing it that much, maybe its that i don’t love myself ? another responsibility, another fear of not doing such responsibility, another guilt, and here i am, exactly what i wanted, very chill and relaxed, most of my days, don’t have my basic needs, but not much bothered about it, unless when the days i have GAD, then i begin to worry about the future, what’ve could done, what i didn’t already do, worry after worry after worry, a storm of bad feelings and thoughts, there is a lot of things im grateful for having in this life, that i might be able to have them if i didn’t had this life, my little sister, not only we understand each other, but know most of our qualities, we love each other, i like how she look at me, waking up and not having any responsibility, eating my favorite breakfast, slowly and at peace, while listening to piano music,  smoking in the roof, while listening to my favourite songs, thinking about life, and just taking my time, then getting down, with the possibility to do anything with my time, doing/not doing, without having any guilt or shame, that i must do something, without having the care for time, just living, going with the flow, not worrying, enjoying what i have, so am i miserable? maybe, but am i am contented with myself, at least when i don’t have GAD or any other problem, another thing is that finding someone like you anita, not only understand me, but love me, when i have my bad days, and i hear this voice “nobody will ever love you for who you are” i can remind myself, i have a proof now, that this is possible, to be able to keep this voice away, what i like about this love is that it doesn’t come from just anyone, no, it comes from a very wise and intelligent person, that’s why it has value, because the person knows me, i couldn’t ask for anything more.

“the past is already gone, and whatever has been produced from such past, can’t live here, and I have proofs of such”

what i meant by this, is that i can’t accept my inner child needs and persona, it simply can’t live in this world, a part of my inner child is insecurities and my mother raising, bad raising, especially for a man, so i won’t accept such persona just because my luck was bad, i really can’t live with myself accepting such persona

 

“the past really makes the present, doesn’t it? sadly“

that is the fact, the thing is even though i repress this persona, i still have some qualities of it (the easy way) (dreamy thinking), but i think im getting better with those, i can’t change who i am completely though, this is why i accepted some good qualities from this persona (the easy way) (being kind)

 

It’s almost cute, isn’t it, the way I was avoiding the question, like a child

i do think its cute, but a respectable way to not answer a question

 

different as in insane then

yes :D, though what’s you definition of insane? a doctor i went in the past diagnosed me with mid paranoia, it might be linked to that, but again he wasn’t that good of a doctor, i remember reading about paranoia that people with it tend to label people, although i almost meet no symptoms, at least in my pov

 

It is not a permanent thought

im really welling to take the label insane in order to prove that im different 😀

 

though its interesting that you meet such people in the taproom, it must be a one time thing

Neither one of us is superior, neither one is inferior.

you are superior in some things, and i am superior in other things

 

a person is superior to other people in many ways, such as in knowing how to bake bread, or grow vegetables, or do fancy software computer work, but when it comes to Human Basic Value- we are equal, you, I and every member on this site

i agree, but i really didn’t mean human values, but more like a desire not to follow such values, a desire so strong that im welling to be miserable my whole life for, and thus i am better in this aspect

 

if the person saying this statement says it because it is very meaningful to him, and with genuine concern in his voice and face, and with a willingness to spend more time with the needy person

you know what i’ve lost ? THIS,  just because of stupid belief i made, i lost the desire to want to be helped, the only thing when i had it before, not only did it made me feel like shit, but it made my suffering more, i lost it before i even have it

 

no one is born a sociopath, no sociopath babies

you know there is sociopath gene right?

 

then you LIED

im human aren’t i? i even lie to myself, so why not people too, i actually don’t know what is true anymore, its all mixed up, what is a lie ?

 

But having improved my thinking skills, I figure that when you said what you said, it was probably not a lie, but a piece of wishful thinking, wishing that you can’t be hurt

damn i kinda feel you too good for me, lol

 

by apathy you mean that you suffer less anxiety, less guilt, less shame- good thing then

i remember my sister compliment my apathy, i almost cried, finally some appreciation, so thank you

 

I personally feel consistently better since I stopped fantasizing about life being magical and wonderful

i do too actually, since i have a choice, i will never get back to fantasy, though without it the world is really boring and dull, still i kinda like how ugly it is sometimes (i say its ugly because of bad pov early on in my life)

 

 babies don’t talk, can’t have a conversation with a baby

i really like how you avoid my question just because you don’t wanna say the ugly truth lol, i won’t insist though

 

 was your past (rare) use of profanity and sexual references on your previous thread

i do remember mentioning sexuality but i really don’t remember it being (aggressive), as for profanity, i will try to say less of those, i also won’t mention anything related to sexuality, although i was never gonna, because i remember mentioning sexuality in my past post and you not liking such post (in my pov) , though thank you for telling me

 

If you then ignored my request

why on earth would i do that?

 

But I want you to be tolerant when other people (including members who reply to you) make the wrong assumptions, okay?

ok, i will try

I would like to propose that “you” are not the same as your thinking or your belief system. “You” are more than that.

can you tell me what is that more thing that i am ?

 

What is sure is that you’re human, not an animal or an ET

a human with a desire and goal to not be human, and that’s why im different

 

Since you haven’t received that, you concluded that you don’t need it. You disowned your hurt inner child and adopted a belief system, a way of thinking that you identified with:

as always, you are right, but the thing is, i will never receive them, thus i adopted this belief, and i still think its good idea that i did, because believing that i need those, and not having them, made me so miserable, this was meant to happen since i have the easy way as a goal, its a higher goal that tops everything

 

 You believe your “way of thinking” is who you are

i believe in the here and now, the past is already gone, and whatever has been produce from such past, can’t live here, and i have proofs of such, its a part of this flawed production, the dreamy thinking, liking saddens, expecting to get things for free, and again i had to disown my inner child needs, because A. i won’t get them B. it conflict with my higher goal (the easy way)

 

You also believe that your way of thinking is not something you have chosen but something you were born with

i think this believe is based on a lot of observation and thinking, also science

 

You believe that most people have a well-functioning software

their life is enough proof, and i mean with its bad and good

 

You also believe you don’t have the free will to change it

no, i don’t believe in freewill, i do believe i can change, actually i can almost do anything, though i can’t want anything, the desire to change doesn’t come automatically, and it doesn’t come from oneself, it comes from the combination of the past and genes, i simply know that i don’t wanna change, since its conflict with my higher goal and values, its conflict with my high need to be special

 

That’s why you say you’re “created in a way that guarantees misery”

i say this because of the combination of my past and current needs and desire and beliefs and values and goals

 

In your view, you’re programmed to be unhappy and thus, you’re doomed

A. i didn’t chose my higher goal (the easy way) B. i didn’t chose my values and beliefs and my high need to feel special C. changing any of this will conflict with the highest thing i value (the easy way) and thus i won’t do it D. can i change my highest goal? yes, do i want to ? no, why? because of the combination of my past and genes, can i change those ? no, now tell me a sign of freewill

 

Although you identify with your way of thinking, your wounded child is still inside of you, and it wants to be loved and cared for:

i will only accept it when i see a possibility to met such needs

 

 it makes you feel special. That’s why you don’t want to change, because you believe it would destroy your “specialness”, your uniqueness.

i agree, but why my need to feel special is stronger then other needs? just ask enough why and you will end up in the same point (genes and environment)

 

You, as a normal human baby, had the same needs as other human babies. Those needs are still in you (to be loved and cared for, to be seen and validated, to be special). But you came up with a “way of thinking”, a mental construct which tells you you’ll never be able to meet those needs because you’re created differently, with a faulty programming,

its interesting don’t you think ? why didn’t a lot of human babies did the same ? why i did this, and i see not many doing so? especially when this problem is a common problem

 

The question is whether you want to keep identifying yourself with your faulty program, or you want to see beyond it, to your essence?

i think my need to be special is stronger then any other need, especially when the other needs require a change of values and goals, time and effort, and a small reward, i think i chose the need to be special because its easier (the same goal over and over again), i simply have to live according to my depressed helpless self

 

I wonder why you addressed the following question to.. the normies in this site who are way less qualified to judge and advise you

i didn’t address it to normies, i address it in the hope of finding a none normie person that can agree with me, agree on my logic

 

 I don’t know if being okay with being miserable is a superior attitude, even if you were okay with being miserable

at least im getting something out of this misery

 

 Clearly you are not okay with being miserable

if it doesn’t conflict with the goal i was handed by luck and fate, sure im ok with it, but i like whine and cry

 

 I say it’s wrong

and i believe you

 

 better than that you stop asking for help.

i never did, and my post wasn’t cry for help, it was and still stand as a logical argument,

 

A desperate person considering suicide does not have the time and patience to read or listen to a whole paragraph or page

so lying is ok to such person ? i actually prefer that he suicide instead of hearing such lie

 

a  catchy (easy to remember, quick to say) saying such as this is practical, true-enough

its not true, not in any kind of way, some people born a sociopath with no desire to change, those people exist, yes for most people this might be true but in reality, this is not a true statement, and yes i am not one of those people

 

and it helped lots and lots of people who were glad to have endured a difficult time

norimes. lol

 

why is it necessary for one to be Inferior or Superior? How about Equal???

its not about necessity, its about the truth, infact i can say he is Superior in some aspect of life, whats wrong with this statement?

 

 a resource of normie sayings that cause you pain?

lol. no i tend to avoid that, though for most normies they are just a tool i might use to get what i want

 

this is your all-or-nothing-thinking, change some things, not every thing!

whats things ? im already perfect 😀

 

an untrue statement, evidence to the contrary in your threads is massive

true

 

apathy means a lack of emotions. The Murtaza I  know failed in his pursuit of apathy: he feels too much!

apathy means not caring about problems and my situation, and the Murtaza i know did this so well, the Murtaza i know doesn’t feel anxiety or guilt much anymore, no shame, just a little, the Murtaza i know was right to build such defense, now he can’t feel a lot of pain, and it serves his highest goal, he knows what he is losing from such defense, but he calculated the negatives and positive of such move, and he decided is best to build such defense, the damage is done, and he doesn’t care much to change this defense, not without proofs that such defense is not needed anymore

 

reality looks worse than what it is: the fantasies pick you up and when a fantasy is over, you fall a long way.

still doesn’t change the fact that fantasy is better

 

death will happen soon enough, Murtaza: it’s nature’s way, it is not a matter of logic

if you had a baby, and he is suffering, begging you to end his life, and you know for sure this won’t change, that he will suffer most of his life, would you tell him “don’t worry, you will die after just 60 years of suffering, and as you get older the suffering will increase” ?

 

 the truth is that I feel love for you

i feel love for you too

 

 Unless you, Murtaza, become aggressive toward me

never, although you have seen me a bit aggressive with peter and other people in here, and you imagine that i will be aggressive to you too one day, i sound aggressive for a reason, protection, now that you know me, i don’t need much protection