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Myles

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 48 total)
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  • #171031
    Myles
    Participant

    @anita I understand where you’re coming from though, I’ve never looked at the situation that way. It’s probably because I was under the belief I knew exactly what I was doing and so because of that I was a bad person.

    #171029
    Myles
    Participant

    @Anita What I’m saying is the shame is the same feeling, but it’s coming from a different place, and that’s what I’m going through right now.

    #171023
    Myles
    Participant

    @Anita I might have to explain this cheating situation a bit better. Whar basically happened was that I couldn’t tell anyone I was in a relationship because my boyfriend at the time (Adam) believed his Dad was homophobic, and he was afraid of ANYONE, even people who didn’t know him, getting to his Dad and relaying this information. So, when I was 15 (the time of this relationship) I was drunk on New Year’s Eve and I decided to do this because Adam was drinking and I’d never done it before. I was talking to a 20 year old from his dance academy who I’d gotten to know over the week beforehand. I told him I was getting drunk and he still proceeded to play a game called “10 questions” with me (I didn’t know what that was at the time) and the first question he asked me was if I would “take my clothes off for him.” Adam had asked me to screenshot every message that had been sent and send it back to him, which I did. I decided I would lead the guy on in the hopes that he’d leave me alone once he got what he wanted.

    He didn’t.

    He then sent a nude of himself to me and asked me for one. This is why I say I cheated. I was unhappy in my relationship with Adam, but because I felt responsible for him, I stayed. I kind of wanted to send one back, but, even though I was drunk, I still thought he would go away. I then sent a screenshot of this part of the conversation to Adam and he was under the impression I cheated on him, and the rest of this part of my life is addressed in one of the first posts I made, My Story I believe.

    I think I might have misspoke. What I meant to say was that the shame and disgust isn’t BECAUSE I still have that belief, it’s because of the irrational hatred I’ve been dealing with, I just compared it to what I felt after my last relationship, which was shame. I don’t still feel that way, even though I’m still a smidgen bitter when it comes to relationships, and right now sleeping around (not homewrecking, just making that clear) sounds way more attractive to me than “love.”

    #170963
    Myles
    Participant

    Thank you both, when I was writing this, I felt like I had the emotion I wanted to convey in the back of my mind and I just let my pen guide me, if that makes sense. I’m still going through what I described in the song though.

    #168596
    Myles
    Participant

    Oh, what I meant by that @anita is that they act as if being gay is the ultimate evil and everything else pales in comparison to that.

    #168428
    Myles
    Participant

    @Anita I’ve just always thought “There’s a lot of things I don’t like – corn on the cob, meat that looks red when you cut into it, but who am i to go around telling people if they can or can’t eat those things?” It’s none of my business, and what kills me is when people say things like “think of the childen!” when talking about gay people, yet these people are far from perfect and are doing things FAR worse than being gay behind close doors.

    #168422
    Myles
    Participant

    Well, thank you for your comment Justine, it’s just a shame that in countries that are virulently homophobic, even if gay people have people around them that aren’t homophobic (read “decent human beings”) they are also scared into silence.

    #168086
    Myles
    Participant

    It just feels like if someone isn’t blatantly homophobic, they’ll use terms like “My religion says” or “I disagree with your lifestyle” as if they’re making some sort of compromise and you’re just supposed to continue being friends with that person. If people are just aloud to disagree with “immutable” characteristics, then people should be aloud to disagree with someone’s skin colour, gender identity etc. And if that’s not okay, then why is it okay for sexual orientation? It’s do disingenuous to me.

    #168038
    Myles
    Participant

    @PearceHawk, Thank you, and I think it bothers me because (well, to be honest, I live in England, a pretty gay friendly country) because people’s fear motivates them to the point where they spread lies that gullible people believe. These gullible people may even go as far as trying to kill members from the group of people they’ve been told false information about, or make laws that decrease their quality of life. I guess it’s me worrying about things I feel people could do to make my life harder. And yes, that was my question. I read somewhere on this site in a post that pertained to caring what people think that when someone says something mean to yu, you should examine whether there is any truth to the belief, and if there isn’t, then let it go. But I just feel like some people really could care less about trying to help you, and just want to get their two cents in or are just plain belligerent, so why should I waste time even processing what they are saying to me?


    @Anita
    I guess so, I’ve had social workers (I’m not sure what they’d be called in America, they are people who go around helping dysfunctional families) come and go over the years, and while they can’t MAKE me and my parents closer, after they had finished their work with my family, I felt like I was in the exact same position as before : My Dad making rules that he himself doesn’t follow, and my Mum starting arguments over things that really don’t matter that much (even when I’ve offered to compromise, she still pushes the issue.) And I think the social workers have said things like “well, we think you’ll be alright from here” because it’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde when it comes to my parents around social workers, they’ll act nice (even though my Mum has instigated arguments with me around social workers) and then as soon as they’re gone, they’ll go straight back to how they were. And when I was 14, the reason my parents didn’t go through with putting me into foster care is because apparently I might get people “worse than I thought they were.” And I understand that after you have come out (which my Mum did for me as it pertains to my Dad) you should give your parents time, but I almost didn’t live to see my Dad accept me and there was a point where I may not have been their responsibility anymore. And in the three and a half years since this has happened, my Dad has gone from “you’re no longer my child” to “I disagree with your lifestyle but I accept you anyway” which I really feel was just lip service on my Dad’s part, because he told the social workers that but I have never heard him say that to me directly.

    #168024
    Myles
    Participant

    Well thank you Anita, people have always said that about me, I think a side effect of my “perceptiveness” though is my penchant for overthinking, or simply doing more thinking than doing because I’m afraid I won’t meet the expectations I’ve set for myself in my head, realistic or not. I just have gotten to the point where I’m finished demonising my parents, I don’t believe they’re despicable human beings, I just feel like they aren’t people I want to be around and I’m tired of being told I should try to because of some aphorism about “family” or “you have to respect your parents” or something like that, my Dad has shoved that idea down all of our throats for as long as I can remember, and it was probably the first thing I began to resent about him, then it was the “my way or the high way” attitude, then it was the hypocrisy which continues to this day and it’s something my Dad has never taken responsibility for, and then there was the coming out incident (when he found out me and my sister had arranged for me to move in with her should my Dad act the way he eventually did, he called her a stupid bitch and said he would drive down to her house and tell her to mind hr own business) and how easy it was for him to say “I’m putting you into foster care.”

    #167946
    Myles
    Participant

    I remember writing a letter saying I forgive my Mum for outing me to my Dad, and the last thing I remember her saying was “What do I need to be forgiven for?” and “You are the one causing all the stress!” so it isn’t as if I haven’t tried to be sympathetic. Of course, I was at a point in my life where I had to throw a pity party everytime somethign bad happened to me, but I think that my Mum can’t take all the blame for what happened.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Myles.
    #166978
    Myles
    Participant

    I guess they’d be called Men Who Have Sex With Men at that point. The problem is, that when you aren’t honest about who you are, you end up hurting people (I’m talking about guys who say they are curious when they know they’re attracted to women or people who just want to “experiment.” I just feel like a stable relationship is off the table if you aren’t sure of yourself.)

    #166870
    Myles
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. Another reason why some of the lyrics are so passionate is because there was probably a part of me that understood that this guy would never feel the same way about me as I did him, and that was hard to accept, thus the almost “pleading” way it might come across.

    #166784
    Myles
    Participant

    I understand where you’re coming from Anita, I think that when you’re smitten with someone, you would say something like that though, and then you realise that’s not how love “works.” It’s something you work on. And I guess because I was thinking of Amerie when I wrote this, who has a very passionate delivery, I kind of thought she would say something like this. The song was still about something I went through though.

    #165588
    Myles
    Participant

    It’s not as debiliating as it once was though, there was a time where someone would just say they were in a relationship and I’d snap at them or ask in a very curt way to change the subject.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 48 total)