Thank you so much, I might even make this poem into a form of art this year. I want to create things like that in this new year, will try to actually find some free time to do that for myself. I would love to send it to you also. I am finally feeling burn out after one year of never stopping. I stopped, I had days where I couldn’t work much. But I have never stopped worrying, or thinking about what’s gonna happen. That much chaos only has given me a couple years. Hoping it wouldn’t have any effect on my health long term. Looking ways to strengthen my stomach. It has been a really hard year, 2024. Will never forget.

I started to understand how people are never 100% honest in their friendships. While I was trying to see how to be transparent, seeing all the flaws, I started to think I was the one faulty. But now I see everyone hides many thoughts from one another.

You told me a practical person, selfless one, I might be in some cases. But I do that either out of love, or I do that out of being scared. I am realizing I’ve been a people pleaser which is tied to not having enough self-something (either respect or love, I am not sure) and I don’t really like people that much. I see their selfishness and I share my honest opinion when I can, but I mostly have to hide that honest opinion because it’s not a good time.

In those moments, I always thought I was being insincere but turns out, maybe everyone is like that.

Those insincerity within friendships is actually something I need to get used to and I should protect myself at all costs. There are no one in this world that I can count on 100% that would protect my rights fully, even your family, or your husband can forget about what you need. You need to always understand or at least try to understand what you need and then communicate that, if communication is not possible, you need to somehow try to get what you need, negotiate.

Nobody, out of confidence, will try to protect your needs before their own. If they are doing that, that means they are scared of something about themselves which can be translated as also caring for their own needs.

So maybe having peace with that?

As to being practical and selfless, I tried out a new pattern the other day. A friend of mine (who only messaged me out of his own needs for the last 2 yrs) messaged me and asked for money. I was in dilemma, I was almost accepting and sending help to him. I kept thinking for two days even though I was very very busy. Since I was realizing he hasn’t been asking about me or how I’ve been and asking for stuff and getting those needs met. (not money but other stuff like tutoring) I wasn’t feeling comfortable meeting this need this time. I couldn’t quite say no, I have found excuses. I knew if I said yes, I wouldn’t be feeling like myself. I would be hijacking my own self-something. After all those working till burn out thingy going on in my life, that didn’t sat right.

I felt terrible rejecting him in a vague way. Then, he actually called me to check how I was doing a couple days later. I was so surprised, I actually thought he would hate me after I rejected helping out. Maybe it even helped.

I think I am also scared of being used. And since I work a lot for what I have or trying to have, it’s even harder for me to give away to someone who’s not showing that care to the thing I give away. If you’re not careful for your money or what you have, you sure will not be careful with mine. And me giving away to you, feels like a huge betrayal to my own worth.

So I am not selfless. I just want people to see and respect my “efforts” I think. Effort, or “labour” might be the most sacred thing in my mind right now.

And yes, when you told me maybe sth bad happened, I thought differently for one second. My primary opinion on how he doesn’t want to share anything bad and I am there to face it together so all baggage is on me and not on them, has not changed. It’s not correct.

But for one second, my perspective shifted from “victim” to something else. I am looking at this issue from a victim’s perspective, feeling so much bitterness. I have to work on that victim perspective that occurs when something like this happens. I should never think like a victim.

Although I kind of know something bad didn’t happen for her. I would know, he would tell me.

But i feel like if this habit of his, not sharing hardships but also helping out goes on, i don’t know what’s gonna happen. I cannot unsee my feelings, unsee my effort. All this years of effort of mine deserves being prioritized by him. If his sister cannot manage all that money without paying rent and getting help from the family, she could ask for help and get some, but not in this form. She should know better, learn better. All my effort should never finance that sort of lazy behavior.

The level of support felt through this fast reply explaining how to delete, is un-real.

I am really lucky to have posted here and got a reply from you years back.

Hey. I hope you are amazing, it’s now November, 4 months since we last spoke.

Lots of things have resolved and many other problems have arisen since then. Got some chances to realize marriage is not an easy thing when I had to do my work in a tight schedule, see family, do many compulsory chores in order to complete my bureaucratic things, almost go crazy and calm back down and also at the same time, try to manage the balance between two families. In fact, three in my case, almost as my mom and dad are also married to other people.

I learnt that mom was not happy and in fact suffocating in her marriage, got her into thinking straight when she was talking about leaving the house on her own to work alone start all over again. Such stupidity, with my honestly and not with rude feelings. It’s a stupid thing to do. I told her that she did this to me in the past, leave house and work/stay on your own alone raise two girls. That was painful enough for me to sympathise and try to help during my childhood, I would not be able to handle that today, again, from all the way afar. So doesn’t matter what happens, divorce or not, I was able to persuade her into not leaving the home like that.

Pride, what a toxic thing? What a tricky thing to have! I despise it. I reaaallllly DESPISE pride. And you know what? I don’t believe in pride. It’s not pride. Something else. I have some ideas but haven’t cooked my ideas well yet. Some people, just cannot think straight.

It’s like I get it if you neglect your own self and think of others. Think of your children woman. So irrational, so emotional, so manipulated and also not intentionally manipulative.

During all that, the other family, my partners’ wanted to meet my own. They persisted for months, can see why of course, I get it. They got tickets and got to the city while I was there to quickly handle 2-3 urgent things. So we made a plan and had everything worked out besides some of my health checks I wanted to do but cancelled in order to make them happy.

Which made me unhappy right after.

They should’ve seen how much of a chaos I was in, and they should’ve prioritized my health checks, since I couldn’t do them easily and affordably away where I live. But I chose to make them happy then. Couldn’t see it. I secretly resent them for that.

But also, my partner should’ve communicated that. He couldn’t, he’s not very good in communicating with family. I kind-of understand that.

Remember when I told you about my partner giving a lot of money for her sister to get her a phone? I felt so bad after hearing about this. It happened again when I was not aware. Turns out he, out of the blue, given her one month salary worth money when she was not even asking. When we were talking about money at some point, he must’ve felt guilty and told me. I cried. I tried to tell him that how much of a stress I am going through and doing everything I can to save up, when he did this without asking me. I tried to make him understand how his sister is in very good hands, lives in a family house, no rent, can easily save up. Not like me, at all, and we’re almost same age, she’s older than me. And in this situation, this is heartbreaking. He promised to never do anything like that again. I hope that I haven’t came across as selfish or, i don’t know, bad. It’s a very hard subject.

I can see what is happening. When something is not just, I can see it. I might not fight for it, but seeing and protecting yourself is important. He is not in a just position, within the family I think. Other siblings one way or another use resources of the family. He is all alone, and I was/am/will be there when he is in need. Vice versa. Before them, I was there. Before them, I will be there to worry. It’s what it is.

I cannot, in anyway, accept that he would support other siblings financially. I can accept that the family is not seeing it and he’s all alone. That’s okay, we would be all on our own. That was my whole plan. But I cannot accept him supporting them. I mean, how in the world he does not see that. I don’t know.

Both my rationale and my child-self who was not supported/given money to spend on something trivial for once, by a father or by a older sibling or a older relative, cannot accept it. I burst into tears just thinking about it.

I would kill for an apartment all to me from my family. All to me, no rent, no stress, no landlord to try to get rid of me. That girl who couldn’t find a flat and had to live with others also cannot accept having him support her like that, out of blue. I bet she didn’t even tell the family, how much of a financial support she got from him. She is not a bad person. He should be able to find this balance. somehow.

But I could never hold it in. Now we’re living together, I am still trying so hard for my work, committed to be successful in anyway, seeing hardships as a test, that will someday end and make me proud. Without any religion, I am surprised that I could be this faithful. Continuing to do so, hoping that these types of problems would not shadow my relationship and somehow soon, I would finally relax having accomplished with financial stability.

I might have to find a way to delete or change content within this post after you read it. It’s too much sensitivity that I would be really afraid for someone to find out. Idk.

It seems like you also live close to the north pole, a bit. But not sure. I hope you have had a nice Jan and February. I appreciate your responds a lot, thank you for your understanding and companionship.

Yes, I have been realizing more and more how others are able to ASK, without guilt, or shame. I try to make sure I am not stepping on anyone, upsetting anyone or using my credits within people. I learned to think that I have a limited amount of credit in people and always tried to act upon that so that I wouldn’t lose anyone outside of my control. It’s even like “use your resources cautiously so that you would have them when you most need it” type of mentality. I do that with people, money, everything. The only thing I do not act accordingly with this mentality is myself and my own resources, my attention, my emotions and so on.

However, seeing that how others can carelessly ask for stuff, trivial or important stuff, they do not care about the credit they have within people. They just ask, act, live. Some of them do that in a spoiled way and that has driven me crazy as you saw in my previous posts.

I also always acted with a passive thought in my mind that is “resource can be limited, be careful“. Therefore, when I do have access to resources, money or any food/stuff I am buying for the house, I always think with a “you might not be able to find this thing again, or in this price, so act accordingly, with caution.” Even years before we had this global crisis and war, I had my mind on stocking stuff within my financial power that time in my house so that I would be safe, for another 2 months maybe.

This is something I am realizing clearly now. I am in a country with less inflation, so stocking stuff doesn’t seem too rational to me and I might also need the money regarding the job situations. So when I stop myself from buying that extra detergent, I realize my old habits of seeing resources and money. How that has affected me in every possible way. My mind practically had a war and a global crisis at all times.

Also the friend of me here, which was the reason I posted this specific post has randomly tried to give me a toothpaste when I was visiting. She founded the tube in her bag, instead of taking it to the bathroom, she offered it to me. I kindly rejected, said “oh why would you, put it there and use it, I also have it and can purchase an-nytime.”, then she commented on that saying “you never accept things easily, just accept it for god’s sake” and went to the bathroom to put it there instead.

I already knew that feature of mine, but it got me thinking even more. Instead of instantly rejecting a random thing that was offered to me, why my first instinct is not accepting? Those people that I have resented for being spoiled, and some of them I still do have those types of feelings towards, their first instinct would have been to accept it. Either it is money, products, anything.

Thank you for rationalizing or better yet, appreciating/accepting my feelings in the previous post.

It feels like I am even more closer to my own-self here far away from practically everyone else that has a big space in my mind till today, and my own-self actually feels like the moments of my passions and good feelings I had in my childhood on my own. Those little moments that I was in my head, living the moment on my own. Those feel like the moments that I was my authentic self the most.

I would wish that we could have came here together at the same time with my partner as I wouldn’t worry about finances or anything else this much, but as a result of my solitude here for months (already 5 months here alone, it’s crazy how time passes), I am observing myself and my past a lot. And I can really feel how these job crises and other emotional hardships of moving here alone has contributed to my confidence, I can feel the slight changes each day and how it actually feels to actually build a life with small steps. The only problem we have with my partner is slight jealousy stuff that don’t get bigger (and i was the one being jealous), financials since i don’t feel safe and he doesn’t have a job at the moment and still applies, and he gets depressive when he gets rejected by each job. I sometimes get a bit afraid if I am investing my financials and health into him in the right way.

I try to save up more for any type of expenses that might arise from the fact that we still haven’t evacuated the flat with the lawsuit and have paid for many stuff in the past 5 months, he also paid as well but maybe not as much as I did? I sometimes stop and think if I did good or not. Can I trust him that way, would he put the same effort as myself and work, earn and actually make me feel better about all the stuff we have faced. It’s like, I am putting myself at risk but with intentions that he would be worth doing that. So far, I don’t think he would use me. But I guess I have a built in fear about being used. He doesn’t have that, so I tried to explain my anxiety on financials. He made his applications even more aggressively afterwards and tried to report me in some way how he’s also trying. He understood and maybe found himself in the wrong and trying better. These types of thoughts make me feel stingy, or weird, but all I am trying to do is to make sure that I am not being used. I start having expectations of him earning more than me once he comes (hence the skills he has) and therefore I can feel more secure in the long run.

whosh huh what did I just do there, it feels like I’ve just poured 20 years of wound. It was painful to write, and think but I somehow feel more relief. Still surprised that all those came out after one sentence from my BF. It was just a funny memory to him. I cried for more than an hour writing those, feels very weird. I cried about stuff that has happened 15 years ago, 3,033 kms away. How much distance does that make? Looked up the kilometers btw.