along with the short update i’ve given, i should add that i have been very aggressive lately mostly should be because of the job thingy and also the sun deficiency but haven’t put that towards my actions. My mind has been aggressive, my tolerance has been below zero for the first time in a very long time. But since I am alone here and not so social (?) maybe i see myself more clearly and can see how aggressive i think and that hasn’t created any problems or arguments. I am just aggressive, sometimes i rant about some stuff (other people, work, world issues, selfish people) and that’s it.

Being like this makes me feel radical as well, for instance, I realized how selfish a friend is and I have shown no tolerance to her but also didn’t had a fight or an argument. I am just ignoring and not acting towards her, not asking how she is and not offering my help. I am now comfortable with this attitude towards her because I was also feeling bad/awful and she didn’t care/or realize. If she doesn’t ask, why should I, I thought. I am the faulty one in her head probably and I should just learn to ignore this/ignore what people think, enough tolerance was shown to her in the past 6-7 years.

No tolerance ‘to some people’ policy feels weird but right.

It seems like i might end up with just 1-2 friends at the end, though.

It’s amazing how we communicate here, you helped me a lot. I wanted to say that!

I am glad you felt positive, you know that I am just saying what I feel and this is 100% related to how you react/talk so it feels like what I am saying is fully related to you and has nothing to do with me. You should remember how much of a good influence you have on people by just writing and responding.

As for expecting anger, I am genuinely sorry about this. I guess we expect different negative stuff from people and that is also “a type of projecting”. I get angry when a loved one is defensive around me, this happens sometimes. I also know why they are being defensive, either they are very used to being criticized or something similar. (this defensiveness example has nothing to do with you expecting anger, just in case) You already know all these!

Today I was alone and I’ve opened up a video-call with my mother and we kept what we were doing. She’s had some dialogues with her husband, I’ve eaten some stuff / worked a bit. We sometimes talked and sometimes just holded without saying anything. When we are physically together, she usually ignores my priorities and I feel neglected so I respond more aggressively resulting in her being more ignorant and me feeling more neglected. So we cannot stay together and keep on having nice convos, it’s not that healthy. But when we’re not together, I don’t see being neglected that much and we can have a nice conversation, so it works. Then as usual, they got angry at each other with her husband. I guess since it’s about 7th years of marriage, it’s normal. But I found myself listening them being angry, and aggressive at each other. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, I felt how fast all of those feelings were transferred to me. I was like a child, listening to the argument taking place where I am at, and having nothing but to listen and soak up all the negativity. Me soaking up all the negativity doesn’t even help them relax, it just happens. I suddenly felt depressed for a moment. Then when they finally shut up, I just told them some stuff to make them relax. I could see how they were both stressed and they were just expressing it by being aggressive to each other.

I am realizing how I am inclined to feel responsible for others’ misery. If I can see something I can correct or influence, and if that’s about my family, I feel responsible for their pain. I feel guilty, and I cannot understand why that happens.

About courage, and moving alone: I just postponed how I felt to a point when it was just too late and since moving takes lots of time and planning and all the bureaucracy and working non stop at the same time made me go crazy, i haven’t had much time to be emotional in my last three months. I was so afraid before, when everything was vague. For a year, whenever I remember about this relocation possibility, my hands was shaking, my pulse probably elevated each time. But then when it has happened, i feel so much better than I expected. It just happened all at once. Maybe that’s a good example of how anxiety works.

I was so afraid of losing him for a job or for a better life. It meant so much more to me, to be able to feel safe. I would find ways to stand still economically no matter what happens with the inflation or the house crisis or earthquakes, whatever. I would pick being safe emotionally, which would eventually end up leaving me unsafe. I just had to pick this road instead.

I still get a bit anxious towards normal stuff, like jealousy or being afraid that he’ll stop trusting me or trying and so on. But I guess that’s normal. I just think that way because of how I was treated in the past.

I am so glad that you’ve found my words refreshing, I hope that you’ll have more refreshed&happy days and moments.

When I read “It helped you when nothing (and no one) else did.” it make me burst into tears since I kind of guessed, now Anita will compare yoga into something and that will make brilliant sense.

You didn’t mind sharing it with people whom you believed could benefit from it, but this woman, this frenemy, as you refer to her, already has SO MUCH. Why does she want to take away from you the one thing that is yours?

I guess I just wanted my yoga to stay calm, without any interference. And she asked me a few questions while doing it, like, can you do that pose, can you do that one, or this one. Then I realized over the years, I’ve just did my practices without trying to do more. Just what I was comfy with, nothing more. I felt a bit bad about it, but when you think about it, I have no reason to be ambitious on those practices. Whatever I feel like doing should be okay. I felt like she was able to do some poses and then compared herself to me. I’ll try to forget this ever happened and ignore the upcoming questions.

What I see- based on our years-long communication- is a person who has had a weak sense of self, a weak identity for too long. This other woman has a strong sense of identity (however flawed): she thinks very highly of herself, and this is something that you don’t have, but wish you did.

This made me want to take a note of it. I don’t know how to correct this but I can sometimes just hide, in terms of what I feel. Then I earn for new ways to express those hidden feelings. Maybe in the past, I never expressed them. But now, I really want to express and I am not sure but I might’ve been even passive aggressive about some stuff, which I actually hate and cannot stand in other people. I will observe myself.

Hey Anita, are you “Anita” Anita? I’ve changed my name from myogrim recently, if you are. 🌞

And yes, you understood me correctly. I never thought you would be back!

You’re the best one to know for sure! Again you’ve done some good reflection here in this paragraph. It sounds like maybe you want to be a bit more carefree? Care less about what people think and focus on your needs?

Yes, I need to be more carefree but somehow I am having hard time doing that. I found out years ago that if I think about my actions, everything in a good way I wouldn’t be in hard positions financially and so on. So maybe since I see that living is easier this way, I need to protect myself financially and emotionally. So being like her is not possible for me but I guess I can take breaks. Maybe I am just too tired from working and thinking all the time.

What about the fact that this person is liked and loved a lot? Do you feel like you are not? At least for myself, I know that would be a comparison I would make (and have made). But again, you’re the best to know for this. See if its true for you.

I am not sure it seems to be as if she has some friends from the past that hold on to her even though she was selfish at times and has been not fair to them. This also includes me, she was not a supporter in some aspects and sabotaged me in the past by being self absorbed about something we both did, like projects or stuff we did together. A bit ignorant as I’ve observed over the years and then stopped expecting more from her.

I don’t know why people like each other so I cannot fight with that I guess. I will just be myself and whoever likes me will like me and that’s all. I will have to focus on my own advantages more and chill. These types of toxic thoughts occur when I am not in my best mind.