when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people”.

I also read it again and tried to understand myself. Even though people can be selfish, careless and their mistakes can be tolerated by the people around them, like having someone else’s phone or having someone else pay for you. I feel like I don’t have that opportunity sometimes. I cannot be selfish, I am not used to asking for things from people to tolerate my careless actions. Instead of that, I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehand. And also the thing I wanted to tell is, when I see people not being judged or punished for the mistakes they do, I get very sad. I feel like it’s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything, especially I would want to be able to forget about all this injustice I can witness, cause there’ll be more and more in life. I cannot run away from injustice, so I need to be able to deal with it peacefully.

I did a terrible mistake today. I was focused on the game we were playing with my boyfriend. I was really focused, and we were talking at the same time. Then he did something in the game and I reacted. I reacted with the name of my ex-boyfriend. And I couldn’t think anything, and I couldn’t explain it at the time. He asked once, like “what XX?” and then moved on.

Later on, I felt terrible when he decided to leave. We have some kind of holiday here and everybody just leaves the city and goes their hometowns to see their parents and relatives, families. I never had this in my life, so seeing everybody sharing photos with their families and siblings, I felt terrible. I couldn’t stop crying and he decided not to leave and stayed with me. He distracted me a lot and managed to do that.

But hours and hours later, he recalled it and we talked. He hesitated to ask this, thought it was not a name, maybe he heard it wrong. Honestly, he heard what I said. He just wanted to believe this in his head. I wanted to be honest and told the truth, but he was devastated. Now he is behaving like he moved past this but I know that it was a terrible mistake I did. I explained everything, that I never think of him, it’s over and it doesn’t have a meaning, it was just a mistake coming from my unconscious. I know that I’ve done everything I could, and I was devastated as well, having this relationship after all those years and having the possibility of ruining it with just a silly mistake. I feel like I have nobody that I could be happy with. I had so many heartbreaking stuff with my sister for the past months, and it feels like everybody has their sisters and brothers that would make them feel secure in the future. But I don’t have that. I know for a fact that in every single boundary I try to build, my sister is going to blame me and harass me. If I help her, the bet is going to get bigger, bigger and bigger. And then when the bet is too big for me to handle, I’ll say no and she’ll fight and act like the victim. She would never try to understand me, let alone being a loving big sister. So I sometimes feel like I really don’t have anybody in my life that matters and makes me feel worthy of more. But he is someone I can now count on, feel good with and I would hate myself if I ruin this. Just wanted to tell you everything.

I don’t know how to drive lines, what I should resent or not, and what I should accept and not accept regarding friendships. I feel like I don’t have the good friends that a person needs. I realize that all that matters to them can be their own current agenda, and I feel neglected, and I also cannot ask for help since I don’t feel the need sometimes. When I’m not okay, I don’t think that they can make me feel all better, or I don’t think that they have the answers. When I’m sick, I figure something out and go out get my own drugs. But when it comes to them, they ask for the help more, or I’m just making this a bigger deal. I don’t know. I honestly wish to be a more carefree person and let go of all of these worries. I’ll try to be like that.

I remember deciding on working on my issues at some point in the previous months. However, I totally paused on my problems and focused on the others. I don’t know why I did this, it wasn’t a choice. It was mostly the friends I had needed that, and I offered them whatever I could.

There are two girls, one of them has been an old friend (5yrs) and the other one is new, but an emotional friend. But I feel exhausted now, it has been a lot. And I’ve been explaining them how I feel that way, and how I should just stop. They understand, they don’t get upset. However, they continue on telling me, ranting me, crying at me about the things they experience. They do that because they know I won’t judge or I wouldn’t get angry with them for making the same mistakes. And I know that they cannot share the same things with each other. They know that the other one would either get angry or get impatient. So they open up to me, and then I understand, try to give an insight and emotional support. Have been thinking about this since this situation is now out of my control and I had to set boundaries. And when I did, softly, by explaining myself, even though the other party respected it, they continued their behavior for some time and I also felt really guilty and restless. I have this problem in other areas too. When someone asks something from me, even though I learned how to reject, the fact that I rejected and the fact that I was asked for something haunts me in a way. So I cannot feel comfortable. I feel responsible in a way, but then I would’ve been rejected them. Something I need to work on.

And I also question my friendships. I’ve lost contact of some old friends because I don’t gave them enough attention in the past, but I was okay with that in time. They wanted more time, and I had to work. They couldn’t understand, so we were no longer friends. I still see them ignorant, but I’m over that. And now the fact that I need my own time again, some isolation from their struggles, feels like what would I feel if I were them. I had my own bad days, I also tried to find support. Although maybe I didn’t experience that kind of a bad thing where I couldn’t stay by myself, and I needed someone to talk about it again and again. Maybe I did, but I don’t remember. I feel like I stay alone in those kinds of situations or write here, or to a professional. I sometimes also feel like my own problems cannot be solved by my friends, at least the closest ones. Maybe because I give insight to them, maybe because I see their struggle, I feel like my struggles are superior, I’m not sure. I kind of see them as luckier than I am, and maybe that’s why they cannot understand each other fully and they come to me for that.

Another thing about the boundaries is that I’m kind of fed up with helping some people in my life. I always think about every single possibility and I act accordingly. I always set aside some money for harder times, I always have extra money if I need something urgent, I always try to have something to eat if I cannot find something at some point. I always have some tissues, I always have my phone charged and stuff like this. Very trivial, but sometimes very important. There are so many details I think and act accordingly that my friends don’t think about. And when they need something, they just ask me and I try to help them. But this is not because I have extra time to think about those details, or this is not because I have extra money to spend on details. I put importance on it and I spend less time and money on extras/fun and that’s why I have them. So when a friend of mine spends so much on fun and then asks me when she desperately needs the money, I feel awful. Even with the trivial things that I shouldn’t care about. My flatmate just asked me if she can use my milk, because she forgot. I don’t like to share my stuff and I keep extra, so I had to open up the milk just for her. I sometimes dislike myself for caring about these issues, I shouldn’t be caring about those. But then, those people end up asking for more and more and then I feel used. And in the times of need, you cannot ask them to be careful, you feel like helping them.

I don’t really know why I get this much uncomfortable. It’s really hard to decide on the boundaries and I also feel like I’m making it a bigger problem than it already is. Maybe I need more boundaries since I grew up kind of alone? And maybe I need to get rid of some so that I can be more content in long-term? I don’t know how to decide or set the boundaries properly.

I’m glad that you’ve smiled. I hope that you’ll smile even more today for various reasons.

I sometimes feel bad about my writing or overall English skills, since I’m not native and I can observe when I start to forget a bit or get better with a good practice. Maybe you’re the same, however, I remember that you were living there so you must be speaking English all the time. I use simple words when I do my job, just simple English. Some say, that’s the best thing. But I also want to be sophisticated. I like well-spoken or well-written English and I can say I’ve never had any problems reading your words, it has been smooth and I was impressed a lot, since you’ve gotten too deep sometimes, which I would prefer.

Yes, you did! Thank you but I didn’t mean to affect your writing. Please write however you’d like to. I should be able to manage my own feelings and I believe I can do that. It was just an observation, but your post didn’t make me feel bad at all, since we’re also mentioning ego and all, not painful stuff like before.

I should read about ego more these days, maybe it’s the right time to do that. I’m stable in my relationships and job at the moment, and I think it’s the right time to do that while I have the energy. Also, focusing on these subjects and focusing on myself charges me. I really need that charge these days. My mind needs to be revitalized with new perspectives.

Feeling optimistic and a bit content, I hope you’ll smile for the rest of your day!

Dear Nick, I couldn’t understand what you’ve meant and I’m eager to learn!

Dear Anita, thanks for this comprehensive message which again, fed me a lot. Merry Christmas to you too!

All the things you wrote make sense. I’ll be sharing this with the psychiatrist I’m seeing, which will be 2 months later. In the meantime, I felt like I can work on these key points myself. I’m realizing everyday that I can get better at some subjects. It made sense when you also used the same key points, like confidence. I can see how insecure I can get in my relationships and how much of a compromise I am able to give in order to avoid conflict or maybe in order to avoid another abandonment. And I’m simply afraid of attracting too much attention by wearing the stuff I want or doing make up. I tend to not step ahead to feel better, and wear better, and look better. Of course I always take care of the basic stuff, maybe more than lots of people. I care about that a lot, in a weird way maybe. I never go out with unplucked brows, I always have them ready, even though I have to pluck them like two times a week. But when it comes to make-up, maybe I never feel like I have the confidence for it. Slowly trying to get over that these days, maybe it has been a lot, like two years, but it’s a slow process. Although I like those stuff on other people, this problem is just about having them myself.

Other treatment goals: “regaining an adaptive equilibrium, alleviating symptoms, restoring lost skills, and fostering improved adaptive capacity”- (1) learning skills such as choosing and asserting oneself, (2) changing maladaptive/harmful thinking and behaviors into adaptive/ helpful thinking and behavior, and (3) feeling better, stable- as a result.

I’m not really sure if this is what I have, but I clearly have lots of symptoms of it. Therefore, working on myself for two months till my next appointment and talking about this at that appointment seems logical. I don’t want to live a life which I mostly fear of things, and fall behind just because I’m scared of attention or more specifically, the wrong type of attention since I mostly fear of physical attention rather than a mental one. Although it sometimes prevents me from expressing myself further as well. I wouldn’t say that I’m shy, or insecure to share. But I would say that it has effects on me. Sometimes I find myself listening and feeling bad when somebody is speaking about something that they don’t know and I don’t really interrupt. Rarely, I do that, in a weird way, or not. But then, I question my ego.

Especially these last weeks, I stumbled upon some circumstances where the person I’m talking with has this attitude that I can destroy in just one second. Sometimes, I just didn’t do that. And the other times, I felt my ego a lot, rising. I just obeyed that, and gave some kind of an answer where I put myself ahead. But then, I realized that wasn’t the right thing to do, immediately. I really like feeding my ego, though. However, it’s like, I would like to be able to do it the right way. I would prefer to be in a good position when I do that, I would rather have people saw my knowledge or skills naturally instead of me expressing them. Maybe I’m that much of an egoist! Kidding. But maybe I am! But that can be another type of confrontation, confronting people about the stuff you do, and maybe I am also avoiding that.

Dear Anita,

It feels weird since I felt like opening up tinybuddha and reading the topics, and I’ve seen that you’ve replied to this topic 8 hrs ago.

“I know that I can tell more, in time, if he wants to listen“- ask him if he wants to listen, if he is patient and can wait and be gentle with you, not pushy, not demanding.

I feel like he has lots of stuff to open up to me, maybe more traumas than I have. He has been an understanding person even if he acted a bit weird sometimes when I act cold, and then we both apologized for our behaviours. I feel like he is the most adult relationship I’ve ever had. I can be more open, still, I have the fear of abandonment and I feel anxious when I don’t get an answer for like 5 hours. But I know that’s my problem and he doesn’t make me feel insecure about losing anything. He has been giving me signs, telling stuff, or reminding me that he loves me during the week which makes me feel safe. Sometimes a few times in a day, sometimes a few times in a week. I can feel and observe how my thoughts and anxiety can differ accordingly with his words and I also see that it happens within my mind. I don’t know how stable he is with his emotions. I tend to be very unstable with mine, and he is like me in so many aspects. But my fear of abandonment actually prevents me from being unstable regarding the love or affection I feel towards somebody since my fear doesn’t let me be free or be myself, I guess. Or maybe I’m just loyal and I see it like this. However, fear of abandonment preventing me from being unstable in relationships and making me loyal is the most rational thought I can find in this pond of thoughts. It makes sense to me.

Your subconscious mind jumps immediately to the unfortunate outcome: I will be abandoned. And this makes you cry inconsolably.

Yes, this is maybe the most powerful self-sabotage I have in my mind. And I try to distract myself from that, just like in my childhood. I distinctly remember that whenever I wasn’t able to distract myself with the computer, with a game, or something interesting, I was suddenly depressed and suffocated. I couldn’t help myself but cry in those times. Then school started and I learned to press those emotions a bit. They only broke out rarely, when something I couldn’t resist happened. Like a little fight where my emotions got triggered and at the end, I couldn’t help myself but cry because my necklace was broken. I wasn’t sad at the necklace, it didn’t mean anything. I was just highly affected by the incident and I couldn’t hold myself. But I told everyone that it was the necklace and it had a meaning to me. I was in 4th grade then.

I don’t think you’ve shared before that your mother actually left you after the divorce to go live with her brothers, while you stayed with your father. (You did say she abandoned you physically, but now you explained how it happened).

This abandonment was a bit vague, that’s why I still have a hard time understanding it. I cannot recall how many months it took, but first, she left us for a while to go live with her brothers. I must’ve spent at least 2 months or maybe more time with my dad. Then I guess they’ve seen that I wasn’t able to endure, my mom made my uncle come and get me so that I can be with them in that city. After some time, we were back in our hometown and my mom left my mom officially so I kept living with my mom. I have never thought this period has given me some damage till 2018. Only after that year, I’ve started to understand I was experiencing the same emotions when something bad happens or when I’m faced with abandonment.

Your father was narcissistic and didn’t really want to care for you, so he left you at his friends while he went to his hobbies. Which means he didn’t want to spend his free time with you, maybe even his weekends?

He is actually very emotional. He even feeds off of emotions, sad ones. But he is very bad at empathy and expressing his emotions. He wasn’t able to connect with me on an emotional level rather than the intellectual stuff he tried to impose upon me. I’m very grateful for that intellectual stuff, he actually contributed a lot to the person I am today. But I can also see how he affected me and gave me damage. I’m guessing, thanks to him, I have a very hard time trusting people, and just like him, I always have doubts about people. I always think about the worst-case scenarios and even after the tiniest tip that people gave away, I always think that they might harm me.

He was around when my sister was a child and a teen, so he affected my sister way more than he did to me. She acts exactly like a narcissist now. For my father and my sister, there are two types of people. The ones that they own, and the ones that they don’t own. My mom and me, since we’re family, they have always owned us, and they didn’t care about our families. They only got what they could get from us, they got their nutrition as much as they could get and we were nothing at the end of the day. For the people they do not own, they are charming. I’ve had so many children at my school during my primary school that hated me since he was my father. They thought that this was an amazing thing and they even used to envy that. But they didn’t know the whole story, they didn’t know how he behaved at home and the weird thing is, I was lost in this contradiction as well. I didn’t realize what was happening, I was just lost.

I also got lost explaining how he is, but yes, his understanding of time was having me read books or having me study, that was all. He was my teacher, nothing more. I have no memories of hugging him in a way that would make me feel safe. And I didn’t know that I needed that then, I was just doing what I was taught. If I had known that, I would just teach him how to do it. But I’ve always been so introverted near him. I didn’t have the courage to ask something like “can I play with the computer” let alone show affection. But I know that he didn’t know how to do it either. So I cannot feel any anger or grudge towards him, but I have my regrets even though I know I’ve done my best. It’s weird how people can have regrets for something they didn’t do, maybe that’s empathy or self-sabotage, I’m not sure.

– Something about that ex-boyfriend of yours, who I thought was a terrible boyfriend to you, something about his attending to you,  made you feel better when you felt that “weird, ugly feeling”? Better than anyone has made you feel in a long time, and maybe for as long as forever?

Yes, I would say so. He was the most understanding person when he was the good version of himself. But at other times, he made me feel really bad too. I know it was really unhealthy now and I know it was the good thing to do, even if I wasn’t the person who broke it off. He was powerful enough to do it. I still feel weird about him, I sometimes miss him and see him in my dreams. It’s a weird feeling, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that here before but I feel similar emotions towards my mother. I feel lots of guilt. I feel bad because of the hard things they have to or had to endure. Both of them made me feel bad but both of them didn’t do it on purpose. I know their hearts, so I cannot feel any bad feelings towards them, only the good ones. So it’s very hard for me to forget him. But I know that this is the right thing, to move on.

I am sorry that you were not helped here, by posting here. I hope that the psychiatrist you’ve been seeing back in October is helping him, and that deep inside you are a bit less lonely, a bit more able to choose, a bit stronger.

Don’t be sorry, just being understood is very valuable and I don’t think I’m not being helped. I’m trying and observing, writing here everything makes me observe even better and you pointed out things that I wouldn’t be able to find or interpret myself. I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist approximately every other month, online. It’s not in-depth yet, it’s going very slow. But I feel like I shouldn’t expect too much, I’m giving it time, she needs to know me first as well. As for him, I guess he hasn’t been able to find “the doctor” yet from what I’ve heard but my fingers are crossed. I sincerely want him to be happy.

Other than that, things are going well for me. Mundane challenges, my job, stuff I try to enjoy. I try to read more, understand more. I don’t know what else I want from life but I guess I’m working on the security first. Both in terms of emotions and finance.