I’m trying, and working on my relationships. But it only gets worse I think. Maybe.

People are just not happy with me prioritizing myself. I’m not sure what kind of a circle I do have including my family members. I am now taking care of my father when my stepmom is with her own mom, taking care of her. I’ll then go to my mom, stay there for a few days and then I’ll be back to my sister’s house to take care for the cats while she is at another city going to a concert. I will be exhausted after these days and then I’ll be back to work after making everyone happy. A friend of mine wanted to come stay at my house with his sister afterwards but I rejected since I would wanna stay alone or see my boyfriend since I’ll be missing him then. Now, he doesn’t talk to me because I prioritized my boyfriend and told my friend that. He is probably upset because there is no-one special in his own life. Kind of annoying, cause I do my best for people but when I finally try to learn to prioritize my own needs, this is what I see.

I am terrified of going to work at a different country because of what might happen with my relationship. But there is this opportunity and if it happens even next month, I’ll have to take this. I’ll have to go. I’ll try to go on with the long distance relationship if my boyfriend would also be persuaded but he did tell me he didn’t believe these types of stuff. But we’ll see, nothing else I can do. I can only wait and see what will happen.

Yes, I am okay. Thank you! I hope that you’re okay as well.

Thank you for the new perspective. I’m guessing I feel like I still have some stuff to lose when I lose her. Even though it was lacking some basic stuff, we are able to communicate especially about my sister and my father which gives me a bit of strength. She also knows them, and she was hurt by them like me, even more than me. It’s nice to be able to speak about this, when something happens with my sister that I feel abused emotionally, I tell that to my mother and we try to analyze it, neutralize the abuse, and she helps me get over that abusive communication where I get harmed and feel guilty at the same time because of manipulation. She tries to help me when she can.

But yes, I cannot live with the fear all the time. I started to feel like I’m turning out okay actually, I feel more healthy even though I have my days. I still feel very vulnerable, very emotional and easy to manipulate. That hasn’t changed. But I’m trying to create ways to cope with that.

Although I would lose my will to live if something were to happen with the current relationship I have, I know that. Being codependent feels like I’m still a child, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to outgrow of that. Maybe I’ll be like that till I die, I don’t see the logic in living, enjoying something, earning or working when you don’t have somebody you can share it with. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And somehow this also doesn’t work with friends, which makes me doubt my understanding of friendships. I trust some people, I also make effort to earn their trust. But something is lacking there, it is not enough for me to have enthusiasm about life.

Thank you Anita, I’m lucky to have somebody like you I can talk to. I actually feel weird by posting this, as I feel like there are lots of people that need help more than me. But I feel a bit safe here, as you kind of know me now.

I’ve came to my mom’s place for a few days, I’ll be back tomorrow. I remembered last year here, I was talking with my current bf as friends, I was trying to move on from the ex, he was still in touch with me and able to hurt me. I was starting my job, first weeks and all. Now pretty much everything changed for the better. But I realized one thing. I don’t really value myself for the time I spent. I was mostly an alone kid, and I know how to spend time alone. I have many hobbies, lot’s of weird or non-weird stuff I do and I don’t get bored easily. But for the last month, I was kind of alone again. My bf had his sister and mom around, he couldn’t visit much, he also had a busy schedule. I guess also my friendships changed, and I have a few friends now. The superficial ones are kind of gone, I don’t see them. And I got bored, it was weird. I got bored of myself. I kind of know why.

I did have some expectations, I thought since I worked hard and now I can have some free time to myself, I should be having a good time. However, I didn’t have anybody around to do those stuff, like traveling or anything at all. I mostly wanted to do those stuff with my bf, but he was not around. I felt a bit worthless. I didn’t want to do anything alone, and then we had a tiny plan for my birthday, which consisted of 2 friends and my bf, we had a little fun, nobody that I invite could come, and that shouldn’t be a problem, but I felt a bit sad about it and then the next day, I got here. Left that city since I was not having a good time with anybody else. I feel like I don’t value myself enough, maybe that’s a common problem. I saw this as an opportunity to see my mom since I was already kind of alone back there.

There was a moment a week ago, I suppose. When my bf’s sister was there, with him, he stopped by my house and we talked a bit, for 1-2 hours and then he went back to his house to spend time with his sister. They used to live together 6 months ago, before she got a job from another city. He was talking about their time together, and how he felt sad about not having a brother like he is to her. He has a brother, rather a bad one. I felt so sad suddenly. Cause I don’t even have one good sibling. All I have is somebody I have to set boundaries with or I would be deeply harmed. Not even a friend. She is like an acquaintance I should protect myself from. So I will never have anything like a sibling relationship. This is just something I can never have. I couldn’t stop my tears then and he tried to comfort me, but then he had to go.

Maybe you do see why I felt a bit weird posting this, this is not the biggest problem I suppose. Something big enough to make me feel sad, but maybe I just have to learn to live with this.

when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people”.

I also read it again and tried to understand myself. Even though people can be selfish, careless and their mistakes can be tolerated by the people around them, like having someone else’s phone or having someone else pay for you. I feel like I don’t have that opportunity sometimes. I cannot be selfish, I am not used to asking for things from people to tolerate my careless actions. Instead of that, I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehand. And also the thing I wanted to tell is, when I see people not being judged or punished for the mistakes they do, I get very sad. I feel like it’s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything, especially I would want to be able to forget about all this injustice I can witness, cause there’ll be more and more in life. I cannot run away from injustice, so I need to be able to deal with it peacefully.

I did a terrible mistake today. I was focused on the game we were playing with my boyfriend. I was really focused, and we were talking at the same time. Then he did something in the game and I reacted. I reacted with the name of my ex-boyfriend. And I couldn’t think anything, and I couldn’t explain it at the time. He asked once, like “what XX?” and then moved on.

Later on, I felt terrible when he decided to leave. We have some kind of holiday here and everybody just leaves the city and goes their hometowns to see their parents and relatives, families. I never had this in my life, so seeing everybody sharing photos with their families and siblings, I felt terrible. I couldn’t stop crying and he decided not to leave and stayed with me. He distracted me a lot and managed to do that.

But hours and hours later, he recalled it and we talked. He hesitated to ask this, thought it was not a name, maybe he heard it wrong. Honestly, he heard what I said. He just wanted to believe this in his head. I wanted to be honest and told the truth, but he was devastated. Now he is behaving like he moved past this but I know that it was a terrible mistake I did. I explained everything, that I never think of him, it’s over and it doesn’t have a meaning, it was just a mistake coming from my unconscious. I know that I’ve done everything I could, and I was devastated as well, having this relationship after all those years and having the possibility of ruining it with just a silly mistake. I feel like I have nobody that I could be happy with. I had so many heartbreaking stuff with my sister for the past months, and it feels like everybody has their sisters and brothers that would make them feel secure in the future. But I don’t have that. I know for a fact that in every single boundary I try to build, my sister is going to blame me and harass me. If I help her, the bet is going to get bigger, bigger and bigger. And then when the bet is too big for me to handle, I’ll say no and she’ll fight and act like the victim. She would never try to understand me, let alone being a loving big sister. So I sometimes feel like I really don’t have anybody in my life that matters and makes me feel worthy of more. But he is someone I can now count on, feel good with and I would hate myself if I ruin this. Just wanted to tell you everything.

I don’t know how to drive lines, what I should resent or not, and what I should accept and not accept regarding friendships. I feel like I don’t have the good friends that a person needs. I realize that all that matters to them can be their own current agenda, and I feel neglected, and I also cannot ask for help since I don’t feel the need sometimes. When I’m not okay, I don’t think that they can make me feel all better, or I don’t think that they have the answers. When I’m sick, I figure something out and go out get my own drugs. But when it comes to them, they ask for the help more, or I’m just making this a bigger deal. I don’t know. I honestly wish to be a more carefree person and let go of all of these worries. I’ll try to be like that.

I remember deciding on working on my issues at some point in the previous months. However, I totally paused on my problems and focused on the others. I don’t know why I did this, it wasn’t a choice. It was mostly the friends I had needed that, and I offered them whatever I could.

There are two girls, one of them has been an old friend (5yrs) and the other one is new, but an emotional friend. But I feel exhausted now, it has been a lot. And I’ve been explaining them how I feel that way, and how I should just stop. They understand, they don’t get upset. However, they continue on telling me, ranting me, crying at me about the things they experience. They do that because they know I won’t judge or I wouldn’t get angry with them for making the same mistakes. And I know that they cannot share the same things with each other. They know that the other one would either get angry or get impatient. So they open up to me, and then I understand, try to give an insight and emotional support. Have been thinking about this since this situation is now out of my control and I had to set boundaries. And when I did, softly, by explaining myself, even though the other party respected it, they continued their behavior for some time and I also felt really guilty and restless. I have this problem in other areas too. When someone asks something from me, even though I learned how to reject, the fact that I rejected and the fact that I was asked for something haunts me in a way. So I cannot feel comfortable. I feel responsible in a way, but then I would’ve been rejected them. Something I need to work on.

And I also question my friendships. I’ve lost contact of some old friends because I don’t gave them enough attention in the past, but I was okay with that in time. They wanted more time, and I had to work. They couldn’t understand, so we were no longer friends. I still see them ignorant, but I’m over that. And now the fact that I need my own time again, some isolation from their struggles, feels like what would I feel if I were them. I had my own bad days, I also tried to find support. Although maybe I didn’t experience that kind of a bad thing where I couldn’t stay by myself, and I needed someone to talk about it again and again. Maybe I did, but I don’t remember. I feel like I stay alone in those kinds of situations or write here, or to a professional. I sometimes also feel like my own problems cannot be solved by my friends, at least the closest ones. Maybe because I give insight to them, maybe because I see their struggle, I feel like my struggles are superior, I’m not sure. I kind of see them as luckier than I am, and maybe that’s why they cannot understand each other fully and they come to me for that.

Another thing about the boundaries is that I’m kind of fed up with helping some people in my life. I always think about every single possibility and I act accordingly. I always set aside some money for harder times, I always have extra money if I need something urgent, I always try to have something to eat if I cannot find something at some point. I always have some tissues, I always have my phone charged and stuff like this. Very trivial, but sometimes very important. There are so many details I think and act accordingly that my friends don’t think about. And when they need something, they just ask me and I try to help them. But this is not because I have extra time to think about those details, or this is not because I have extra money to spend on details. I put importance on it and I spend less time and money on extras/fun and that’s why I have them. So when a friend of mine spends so much on fun and then asks me when she desperately needs the money, I feel awful. Even with the trivial things that I shouldn’t care about. My flatmate just asked me if she can use my milk, because she forgot. I don’t like to share my stuff and I keep extra, so I had to open up the milk just for her. I sometimes dislike myself for caring about these issues, I shouldn’t be caring about those. But then, those people end up asking for more and more and then I feel used. And in the times of need, you cannot ask them to be careful, you feel like helping them.

I don’t really know why I get this much uncomfortable. It’s really hard to decide on the boundaries and I also feel like I’m making it a bigger problem than it already is. Maybe I need more boundaries since I grew up kind of alone? And maybe I need to get rid of some so that I can be more content in long-term? I don’t know how to decide or set the boundaries properly.

I’m glad that you’ve smiled. I hope that you’ll smile even more today for various reasons.

I sometimes feel bad about my writing or overall English skills, since I’m not native and I can observe when I start to forget a bit or get better with a good practice. Maybe you’re the same, however, I remember that you were living there so you must be speaking English all the time. I use simple words when I do my job, just simple English. Some say, that’s the best thing. But I also want to be sophisticated. I like well-spoken or well-written English and I can say I’ve never had any problems reading your words, it has been smooth and I was impressed a lot, since you’ve gotten too deep sometimes, which I would prefer.