The invite to be physically intimate with R-2 is so mechanical and unromantic. He usually says ” You wanna take a shower tonight? or it is usually expected if he has taken me out to a nice restaurant for dinner/drinks.I feel like cringing inside but dont show it. Kind of give a half-smile and proceed. I did mention a couple weeks ago, that having the sports channel on TV in the background was so unromantic, as well as his offers were feeling like payback for the dinners, etc. He stated that it has always been this way, why am I bothered now with TV on, or the nonromantic effort to get “down to business”. I do cringe inside, but am very good at keeping a neutral face and going through. Realistically, the 7 minutes or so is survivable…..
So different than the romantic talk, the dimmed lights, the candles, the soft music and intimate whispers I have been part of with R-1 for hours at a time.

Realistically, efforts made after years together is expected to wind down, but I am now spoiled and see that it is numbing with R-2, and don’t care. I make no effort to extend the time or make it any more romantic. Get it done and get off. Even his kisses give me an aversion. I am now aware that those tongue-out, mouth swabbing that he does, never changed since a teenager. Ugh! But I can stand anything for a few minutes. Then, R-2 is more pleasant and agreeable for the week. TMI I know, but I am being realistic. In my deepest thoughts, it would be wonderful to drop a letter, walk out, get in the car and never look back. I know that is unrealistic, the tears/drama/begging I am going to have to endure for a long time, but will set boundaries on that as it unfolds.

R-1 is aware and tells me I am being used as a “device or tool” by R2 to get his payback for paying any attention to me. I realize that the self-centeredness has been there forever and have only recently seen that I settled for crumbs of attention and made myself satisfied with that.
I am so glad you brought up about the sons. I am not a mean or uncaring person and saw that I was so defensive of R-1, that I felt the blame was unwarranted. You are absolutely right. I feel more open and forgiving, even though they had called me after the discovery 1 year and a half ago, and said some terrible abusive things to me that one time. They had found my home phone number on the internet. I then had their numbers blocked from my phone. They are probably depressed and angry about their own lives and living off parents still. That must be hard, though I think they have been enabled. Not my call, so they have their lives to live, and I have mine. Thank you for validating what I was starting to understand about the family dynamics.
My son is home from college over the summer, so now any drama now will involve son as a witness to it all. I feel like waiting for vacation to be over, and engage son back to his college for his senior year. I feel if leaving before then, R-2 will be able to convince son to stay because he needs him and is emotionally broken. I feel he will make son guilty over leaving him like this ( oh my, when did my mother arise from the grave?)
Yes, he talked of the vacation and I had no valid excuse to say no about it, so let it proceed. He had noticed my enthusiasm was less than before, but still proceeded, thinking it would get me more excited once he had it done. In past, he talked a good game and then never proceeded with vacation plans, unless I cajoled and pleaded to do it. This time, sort of ” Yeah, sure” attitude, and he did it on his own. I am sure subconsciously he feels things are different.
Welcoming your insight once again!

Right on, SISTAH! Yes, the quote of Romeo and Juliet is just that- the reality that night comes and its just another night in the real world!
I am not clear if his sons hate him, or have been raised to always lay blame for problems elsewhere than themselves. It appears to stem from their mother, in that there was always blame for anything wrong, placed upon R-1/. Surprising that as an educated career-woman assistant principal/high school teacher) , she still felt that ALL blame had to be on R-1, with no accountability on herself. It doesn’t appear as the sons really hate him, as that they feel that their career and financial failures are all upon R-1. It seems so illogical to me, as I believe that in problems, we must also ‘fess up to our own hand in the problem.
His position as a high level executive frequently out of town, and then a flurry of activities and amazing vacations when home, didnt seem to please the family at home. Theri only wish was for him to stay home and be the factory line worker that he came from. His mind and knowledge got him on the success ladder, and it wasnt acceptable in the home front.
Those sons got their 4 year college education paid for , in cash, by him and had no debt. As they squandered money and were down-sized, that is how they can back home over 8 years ago. It feels like the baby birds like their nest, even though they are creeping towards middle-age with no end in sight. Their discomfort is the breakup and where are they going to live? I am amazed at all of this and with my blinders off, know this aint gonna be pretty! If they are not happy, no one in that circle should be happy, it seems.
As for my son, who is only 20, he has lots of student loans, on Deans List, and in Honors Society. It is my thought he will be fine. He was not handed everything and knows that as older parents, we do not have the resources for him to screw up and start over. He seems more mature and smarter than those two who are over 14 years older! It will be interesting to see what occurred Friday, and will let you know, when I hear. Take care, unseen but thought of often, friend!

YOu have said what my heart and mind could not. He is WEAK. It has shattered my whole belief in him. I tear up with the deep disappointment I feel. I have had to keep a neutral face on in my home and it is shattering me, but time heals all wounds, I guess. The sadness I feel is overwhelming at times, but I only show it when I am alone. And that’s plenty these days.
Maybe it was childish of me to think this was going to be just R-1 and me together forever. I will need time to get over this, and R-1 apologies are just words right now. I have pulled back my feelings and will watch what unfolds. R-1 remains ever hopeful and full of love words for me, but my cynical side is feeling the words are just that, words. His mind cant deliver what his mouth says.
I cant think of leaving R-2 at the moment, this hurt is so raw I am in a vulnerable spot and may make a stupid decision to stay out of guilt, pity, depression or something. I have no strength to fight that battle right now. I have to regroup and put my shields up again, in order to cope. What a stupid old woman I have become. At least that is what I feel right now.

We met for a few days over a week ago. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We were to have 3 nights together to reconnect and plan our future. Didn’t happen that way/ Met him the first afternoon, him driving 3 hours and me driving 2 hours away to a most delightful Inn that had a magnificent suite, with fireplace and living room, hot tub in the bathroom and beautiful bedroom. Re-ignited the passion we had been talking of daily, for the last 6 months since we had seen each other last.
By the third day, his ruminating and thinking of all the issues he had left behind at home, started to show on the stoic concerned look on his face. He was over-thinking an issue at work and one at home. His ex-wife had told the grown sons that their father didn’t love, them, didn’t care about them, and that he was always at work or coaching baseball games, because he didn’t want them around or to be around them. They actually said that to him, as he was leaving for his “work-related” trip. We talked about all his worries and I tried to logically assuage his guilt and concerns with how the lies aren’t true and he needs to know that he is a good man and talk with his sons about it. Little by little, he kept getting that “faraway” look in his eyes, and I knew. I knew that no amount of logic or talking or making love, was going to get that “faraway” look to go away, except to go back home and take care of the situation at work and at home. I urged him to leave a day early and go home. I was stoic and logical in front of him. He went home a day early, with tears in his eyes, and I spent the better part of the day and the last night alone. Had time to think. I do so love him, and he loves me, but he is easily manipulated into guilt and doubt by the family that seems to enjoy tormenting him. They know he takes blame for everything and twists the knife in his back, with pleasure in their eyes. I have started to doubt that we could have a normal peaceful life, as long as this continues. I have urged him to get therapy for himself at least. He needs someone who is not emotionally involved to convince him of his right to enjoy life and stop tormenting himself. He states I am the only good thing in his life, and he will not live life fully, til he is with me. I told him the emotional baggage he brings, may not give us a chance at peace and love, as we want it. That we should go to therapy together in the future, if there is a future for us.
I continue to talk to him daily, but will not pursue any rendezvous together, until he is settled and alone in his new life. I refuse to be hurt or abused by his sons, and hope he does the same. My concerns over leaving my home seem to be tolerable, and I am stronger every day and less guilty feeling as time goes on. I will leave and pursue happiness when I am ready.

No need to comment, just had to get it off my chest. The disappointment of the reality of this, crushes me, but I will get over it. I always do. That’s me Ms. Resilience.

The divorce for him was supposed to be final months ago, but she continues to stall, get sick and cant show up at hearings, and generally continues to find ways to renegotiate the settlement, so that he is screwed on it. She has a trio of friends who show up at the meetings and say vindictive things to him outside, when he leaves the lawyer office. They continue to attack verbally and say he ” will pay” and he will never, ever ” be happy” again.. I feel we cannot go on, until he is finished with this. Such a sensitive and kind soul, I am starting to feel like he is actually “weak” and try to be neutral in my thinking. My heart seems broken, and I am just trying to keep my chin up. Thanks for letting me vent…………

He had money in the beginning and a successful business. He paid for most things and I paid for my personal stuff like clothes, and items like furniture and household stuff I wanted. I also had new cars and paid my payments and insurances on that. At the time, he was about 60% and I was 40% of the total income. I decided to get married, as I had been with him for 3 years and married at 26 years of age. That was 6 years after the divorce from R-1. I had many boyfriends over the years and was with him exclusively for the last 3 years. Everyone around me was married and I said it was time. What was I waiting for? So, I did, and paid for my own wedding. As my mother ( remember her?) said, ” You pick from the same cesspool, don’t you?” Remember that R-1 and R-2 had been friends before my first marriage. They lived in same town across the bridge from my town, so that was her assessment. I got married because I felt there was no future prospects and that was the best I could do. He was exciting and had so many friends and places to go, that I could just go along and have the disco party life I wanted then. He was more lighthearted and still whined, but much less and I used to laugh it off. He didn’t have much to whine about, as money and time and entertainment were never an issue. He was like a pal and fellow adventurer.
Once the money woes, hit, he became sour, cynical and depressed. He sat on the couch for 1 1/2 years and I took over all expenses. I thought it would be temporary, but it appears he is like Eeyore the donkey ( Winnie the Pooh). Everything wrong, everything bad, whine, whine, for years. I used to laugh about it, but it eventually wore me down. That was about 15 years ago since we moved to another state. No more friends or family, just him, me and kid……I was treading water and going under at times. When I used to suggest he was so negative and it was hard, he would just say that is the way he is.
Now, after the discovery of the R-1 connection, he doesn’t say that anymore. But I don’t complain anymore, as I think that is his personality and any fixes are temporary and too late in my eyes…….It only took about 5 months for him to revert to his old ways. Once he thought the threat of someone else was behind. him. That was about 20 months ago when the R-1 connection was discovered. I stated it was just a text and calling fling as an old flirtation and nothing more. I stated I wasnt in contact anymore. He believed it and corrected himself for the 5 months. And then back to his usual negativity.

Yes, I am so ready for a different dance! I have been pulling back and stopped trying to make things ” all better” for him in the daily tribulations. When I snap back with a retort about what he is saying, he says ” Why are you so angry?” Don’t you have any humor anymore?” That always gives me a twinge of guilt, but I have been better in controlling that. I rationalized in my mind his words, and know that I cant take the rest of my life, to make sure he is happy. He will never be really happy, He can only whine…..
I am so ready for a different dance…..After my meet-up, I will know when to do……not if, just when!
Of course, if there is a blow up from the sons or whomever to call R-2 in their rage, I guess the decision will be made, huh?
I will live solo in my apartment for at least 6 months, to make sure that R-1 is what I thought, and that R-2 cannot make my life miserable legally and financially when he throws his tantrum. R-1 can drive to see me or I to him when we can. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire from R-2 or have him hunt down R-1 in his anger mode. It will work out somehow….
For now, I have my busy season at work to keep me occupied and not to arbitrarily just leave. It would disrupt my work situation and I want to keep that stable for now. Saw the therapist this weekend and it was good. She is an excellent sounding board without judgement and supports me when I falter. She knew me from 7 years ago, when I was seeing her as one unhappy mom who felt used by all. Thank you for your kind support also!

Per the lawyer, I am unable to “throw him out” as a squatter in the marital home. IF he doesnot pay the mortgage, it is on me since the mortgage and credit are listed on me only. . So, I can foreclose, not pay and lose my credit. Or he could leave. I come back and live til it is sold, sell the house and split the profits or whatever that takes months.. If he refuses to pay the mortgage, I cant pay an apartment and also the mortgage. His anger to hurt me could overcome his need for the profit of the house. Separation papers need to be initiated, and it will take about 2-3 months for agreement. So, I will be stuck outside the home, if he wont leave. I can go back home if he leaves, change the locks and feel some reasonable security that he cant get back in ( though the drive-bys and unexpected drop ins will be numerous) ….divorce takes time and over a year separation to go without fault. It doesn’t happen in a day or a week or a month for all the legalities. Just have to hope that after the initial shock, he will move to his own place. NO guarantee on that.

Courage is the key, but logistics is what I have to plan for. You are absolutely correct, there is no good time to wait to make the transition occur. He is weak and I handle all his affairs for years, so the dependency on me will be great. That appears to be the situation in black and white. I am becoming less fearful each day, but I cannot arbitrarily walk out the door and never look back, unless prepared to never come back and lose most of my belongings for a period of time.. It is like I am the man/breadwinner, and have this weak spouse that I have been enabling all these years.