Hi Anita,

There is more to the story that I did not tell you.

You were a child talking to another child. He was not in the position to promise you marriage because he was a child. I understand that he was an older child and able to have sex, but still.. he was a child.

– You are right he is a child. But a child has enough brains to tell me to not tell anyone about the sexual relationship because I was a 16 year old minor, while he was 18 years old. He would get in trouble if anyone finds out. He had the brains to tell me this. But no intelligence to understand about marriage or my sister? (Especially, when I introduced her to him around the second year of  our relationship?).

My answer to the first question- one reason is that you urged him to choose his parents. And to the second question: you didn’t stand by his side through thick and thin. Instead you constantly fought with him, questioned him, expressing your anxiety to him, and guilt tripped him, telling you how much pain you are experiencing because of him, and you didn’t listen to his pain.

-I only constantly fought and questioned  him during 2013-  2014, when he cheated on me. After I started to trust him, I never fought with him. You are right, I did express my anxiety for the future towards him. I do not understand, how I guilt tripped him. I never spoke about my pain. The only time I spoke about my pain, was when he hurt me, without even thinking about me. (Was I suppose to not say anything, when he hurt me? Was I suppose to tell him, it is okay that he is hurting me?).

-After he cheated and after he gained my trust back. I would always protect him. I forgave him. He used to say he felt bad for the pain he caused me. I said its gone and done with, let it go. Focus on what is to come. Every time he blamed himself for my studies or what happened in high school. I would only tell him, it was worth it. It was for us. I kept telling him, it is okay and to let it go. It is the past and everything is better now. How is that guilt tripping him or fighting with him? Even with regards to my studies. We both knew, he has a huge influence on why I did not do well in school. Yet, I took the blame to comfort him. I told him I should have concentrated, it is my fault. (Only so he doesn’t corner himself with guilt. I always put myself under the bus for him. I tried my best, in-front of him to not blame him. The only time I lose it, is when he hurts me. Because he never ever thinks about me. He just selfishly does everything)

He was unhappy with his parents, felt neglected (which explains his clinging behavior toward you), so you and him had an opportunity: to turn away from your respective parents and build a life of your own, you and him, a team of two.

“He told you that he wants to run away from them, run away with you. He repeatedly expressed to you his dissatisfaction in his family and in his religion. He told you at one point (you were about 24) that he is prepared to “convert for me and disown his parents for (you)”-

Yes he was prepared to convert for me. I agree. But I do not want him to convert and resent it later in life. I asked him why does he want to convert? He said, it is so my parents will accept him. I asked him if he believes in Jesus being the son of God? He said no, that is against his views. Under that circumstance how should I support him with converting? If I were to agree to him converting, he will convert for me, to only resent it and then me. I told him I would support him and convince my own parents to accept him for him. 

This was his explanation as to why he cheated on me. 2018 when he was referring to running away, it was to tell our parents once, after graduation and then run away. I believe we needed to give our parents some time to process the information. How are we to expect our parents to accept immediately, after telling them about our relationship? I even explained this to him, he seemed to understand back in 2018.

-But you told him instead, regarding his suggestion to disown his parents and convert: “we will never do such a thing. We will wait until they agree. We will never run away… And neither of us will convert”-

– you chose his parents and your parents over the two of you.

I did not choose his parents and my parents over the two of us. The reason why I said neither of us will convert. Is because in 2015, he told me he will break up with me if I do not convert into Islam. After a huge discussion, he told me he was going crazy and it is okay if I do not want to convert. I told him, I would convert but only if I believe in Islam. The bond I share with god and me is personal. It isn’t right to just convert for the sake of conversion. And the same applies to him. I knew even though he was saying he hates Islam, he does not want to practice it, he was equally attached. If he was not attached why did he ask me to convert? I did not want him to convert and later on feel a resentment. 

And even though he said he hates his parents. I have seen him get concerned if any of his parents got sick. I did not want to break a family. I wanted to unite the two families. I believe with time, patience, proper communications they would have understood. (just like his cousin, who convinced her parents to get permission to marry a hindu boy).

-Here is an example, he told you again that he “does not feel belonged in his religion.. he does not like the Muslim organization he is a part of. He started to say he feels every ounce of his happiness is being drained from him. I asked him if he is happy with us?”-you didn’t care to listen to him being unhappy with his religion or with his parents, you only cared about his unhappiness as it related to you.

Also not true. I was not ignorant to his concerns. When he told me he hates attending the muslim organizations. He hates how he has to take up tasks when no1 was willing to take on the responsibility. Only to later get blamed for not doing a proper job. I told him to not go to these organizations. I told him, to make up an excuse that he has to study or something so his parents cannot pressure him, into going (He did not listen to me, what else can I do?). I even told him to talk with other members of the organization, so they will take up his position. If he does not attend the events once or twice, someone else is bound to take up his position. 

When he was telling me his concerns, I have sat up with him till 1am or 2am or longer throughout 2018, addressing his concerns only. He was confused about his studies. He told me he hated his program. And I initially told him to do masters, so he has more job opportunity. But when he said he cannot even complete his undergrad, I agreed with him to not continue with masters. I even told him do not give up on undergrad he basically needs to push through for 1.5 years, which is basically 1 year and he never has to see books ever again.

In December 2017, when he was applying to get back into University. University almost rejected him. He contacted me saying most likely university isn’t in the books for him. I watched him travel between his college and university, trying to figure out what happened. And when I realized he was stressing, I pushed aside my studies for that day, to help him get back into university.

January 2018, the only form of support I can tell him is to focus on school. I even told him to contact our common friend. She graduated from the same institute for the same programs. She has notes, that would be helpful for him to study off from. That way he won’t be lost in school. I told him to make sure he keeps all his grades around the 3.8 GPA, that way he won’t risk getting any academic warning. I agree I pressured him, only for him to do well. But then he told me he feels pressured. So I told him okay, I will back down. He would message me saying, school is tough. I started to offer him advice to seek on campus help or message Prof/TA for office helps. 

When I went for my vacation around April 29 2018, he had messaged me saying he did not do well  for the Winter semester. He is going to get dismissed, but he wrote in a appeal letter and he is scared. I told him, to not worry if anything goes wrong to transfer into another university using his grades from diploma to get into IT. But most likely, everything will go well and the appeal would be accepted. 

Then it was his career. He told me he does not want a office job. I told him that is fine. He said he wants to set up vending machines and earn finance from that to help medical school loans. I found that a bit unrealistic, and I told him that’s not possible. Then he said he wants to start DJing as a professional career. He asked if I am okay, if he does DJing at clubs. (I haven’t been to a club and I do not have a good view towards clubs either). I initially said no I am not okay, but later when I realized it was his interest. I told him I support him. I told him it is a risk to jump into DJing immediately. But to start it off as a hobby, if it clicks then make it a full time job. He asked me what if he wants to start a business and invest a huge amount in it, so he can’t finance med school. I said that is fine. Under that circumstance I will take time away from medical school, support him until his business starts running. Or if he can hold his business, by then I will complete medical school, have a good earning and I can support his business. (What else, could I possibly say or do more to show him support?).

So you encouraged him to stay with his parents and you encouraged him to practice the religion he hated, you “told him to pray 5 times a day or to eat halal”, and his response, “he would get angry with me”- because you didn’t listen to him, you didn’t stand by his side through thin and thick. The thin (or thick) here was his dislike of his parents and his religion and you stood by his parents and his religion, not by him.

– “told him to pray 5 times a day or to eat halal”, and his response, “he would get angry with me”- I told him this back in 2016 not 2018. 2016 he told me he does not believe in god. I tried to reason with him as to why to believe in God. When I realized he was not having any of it. I stopped. But he also went to Mecca and told me he felt at peace there (From that I knew he does not “hate” Islam). He told me he hates Islam and himself because it is associated with terrorism. And how Islam is not a peaceful religion. That is when I told him Islam is a peaceful religion, he can’t blame entire Islam for a couple of evil people. There is evil people in every religion, even in Christianity. And I told him to attempt to 5 pray times and to eat halal so he does not hate himself for being Muslim. And he encouraged me to read the bible, that never made me stray away from him. (So why is that a excuse for him to stray away from me?). I even told him to teach me more about Islam because I want to know my husbands religion and he wanted to learn about Christianity. We would even pray together because we were trying to unite our religion. During lent he would not eat meat for me and during Eid I would try to fast for him. For a guy who hates Islam why practice Eid and Ramadan? That just told me he does not “hate” Islam.

When he told me he prefers to eat non halal because then he has more food options. I backed down and stopped bugging him for it. Keep in mind, this happened in 2016. (Was I expected to support every single one of his decisions regardless it is wrong or right?). 

2019 he would attempt to choke himself or slap himself. I would give him a hug and he would stop. He would then ask me, why am I protecting him from harming himself? I only told him I care and love him. (If I was suppose to agree to all his decision, which may not be right, was I expected to support what he was doing? I was in a relationship, we are a team. We are one. It is all true. But if one is not heading the right path, should I just let them follow it? All because I am in a relationship, I should never share my opinion? When I was doubtful of medical school, I asked him for his advice. He would tell me with the rate I am going, he does not feel I will make it. But just concentrate on what matters now. I never held that against him. I took his words evaluated it. And he made sense to me). 

You repeatedly wrote that he left you abruptly, but this is not true. On January 2018, “he told me he started to feel suffocated by me”. That suffocation was a slow process, not an abrupt occurrence.

Yes he told me he was suffocated. I also asked him why? To which he had no response. Yet, I tried to make things right and to make things work. I was walking blankly, trying to figure out why he feels suffocated. If these were his reasons, why couldn’t he just tell me? We could have worked on it and fix it. I thought me being anxious was the cause, so I stopped saying anything that worries me. That is when I asked him if he still feels suffocated? If he is happy with us? (I did not ask if he is happy with us, disregarding all his concern). And he told me he does not feel suffocated, he does feel happy with me. When I saw him reluctant to drop me off at the airport, I thought everything was good between us. Why could he not just communicate with me, properly? I did not get upset with him when he told me he feels suffocated. I only tried to fix whatever it is, that is troubling him on my end. Isn’t that how relationships works? (If there is a problem, communicate, find a solution, fix the problem, move on? That is what I have been doing for him, for all these years).

In fact, entire 2018 was about him. The only time it was about me, was during July 2018 when I was waiting for a response for York University with regards to my admission status. Other than that entire 2018 was focused on him. And I never complained about it. Day in and day out I concentrated on his concerns. Repeated it daily. 

He used to tell me, he feels like himself the most with me. Was that a sugar-coated lie, that he fed me for all these years? He even told me he could tell me anything and everything. After he returned from his trip from India around December 2018, he told me how his cousins smoke weed and they drink alcohol (which is not permitted in Islam).

I asked him why he gave me hope, by telling me about his cousin who married a Hindu boy back in 2018. He said it was a habit to tell me everything and anything. I told him, you told me everything, except how you feel about our relationship and me? To which, he changed the topic.

Hi Anita,

Yes, we are both residing in Canada with our families. We are both from the southern part of India. He immigrated to Canada with his family from Abu Dhabi and I immigrated with my family from Kuwait.

reads to me that he suffered a lot, had a father yelling at him, a religion he didn’t want; he wanted to run away from his family and religion, run away with you, but you didn’t want to run away with him.

I suffered a lot more than that. I went through physical and verbal abuse with my own parents with regards to him. There were days, that I couldn’t walk from the physical abuse. I went through mental stress from my parents and then him.I fought so much with my parents, that eventually my parents gave in saying if I love this boy so much, they want to see him. But they will ask about his job and how him. (This was back in high school). I never expected for him to hurt me, by cheating on me and then behaving so cruel towards me. Especially when he knew what all I faced with my parents for him. I kept my distance from my cousins and my parents. Eventually, I decided to keep the relationship a secret, until the day he graduates which was within 1 year.

When it came to physical intimacy he was prepared to convince me for years. He couldn’t wait 1 more year?

If he wanted to run away from his family and religion, why did he leave me? All I asked him was to wait till he graduates which is 1 more year. Why couldn’t he do that?

I never said I was not prepared to run away with him. I told him to at least graduate and then we can tell our parents. If they reject after, then we can decide. I even told him I am prepared to live in the basement with him, to start off. He knew he had no job and I knew I had no job and no education. (He also wasn’t talking about running away now, he wanted to run away if his parents didn’t agree, according to his plan he wanted to tell them once, his intention of being with me [without giving them the time to register everything] if they disapproved he wanted to run away) (He knew it was impossible to run away now).

What does his parents know about me? They only know me as the girl who made the fb post. He told me he will explain to them about what happened. Did he ever explain anything to them? What else do they know about me? What do they know about our relationship? Whatever his parents know about me is all assumptions or new they get from their family friend. My parents rejected back in high school. 1) Because we are young, they thought it was our immaturity and not love 2) they even said he will be the boy who would use me physically and throw me away 3)he is of a different religion. That’s all my parents know about him. (Currently, he proved them right).

What I expected him to do was wait one more year. He waited for 10 years, he couldn’t wait 1 more year? All of a sudden his love for me vanished? His dedication and the wait vanished? All of a sudden his family and his religion became dear to him? He didn’t go through half of what I went through.

When he told me his father was yelling at him. It wasn’t because of the relationship. His father was yelling at him for not doing a good job in the family business. And for not doing a good job in the Muslim organization.

Back in 2016, he told me his dad hit him for talking to me. Now he is telling me, he lied about that incident. And that incident never took place.

And the reason I constantly fought with him, is because of him cheating on me. He never could admit he cheated on me. He would think, it is okay to do such a thing, by involving another girl. And taking her to a mosque and telling her he loves her. For me, the mosque is a holy place and to tell someone you love them infront of a mosque, when you don’t is sick. I fought with him, because he let me beg her for him. If he loved me, how can he sit and watch me beg for him infront of someone else. I told her I love him and I told her the bond I shared with him. And she didn’t care. I fought with him because he would send me pictures of water droplets on his face and he would say he is crying and later say its water droplets. I fought with him because he saw I was losing my sanity and he did not stop. If I see him cry, I would stop whatever it is I am doing, that causes him pain. Did he do the same for me? No. 1 whole year he drove me insane saying he loves her/ does not love her. He saw me cry day in and out. I stopped functioning like a normal human being and I expressed how I felt to him. That girl, would send me snaps of their conversation, where I found find he is flirting with her. That’s why I fought with him. Because it was a sick game for him. 1 year it took him to realize, what he did was immature. If he had an issue he could have simply talked it out with me.

And I was getting pressure from my parents since day 1 of the relationship First stress and pressure was to end the relationship. Second stress and pressure were other proposals. I stood my ground for 10 years with my own parents. When I felt the pressure and stress, I would talk to him about it. I would never keep it to myself. If he felt the pressure and stress, he would have talked it out with me. He never told me what all his parents said with regards to our relationship. Instead, he kept saying he is afraid of losing me, afraid I will change my mind because of my parents. And I reassured him I am not going anywhere. When I told him I am scared of losing him to his parents, he said he won’t deceive me. Where did his word go now?

if he was able to wait for 10 years, he couldn’t wait 1 more year? He started to distance himself from me, what happened to his love for me now? It just vanished?

The times he wanted to get physical, I felt guilty for doing it in our parents home. I told him I want to wait until we get our own home. If he was owned by his parents, why didn’t he feel the guilt? Instead, he told me it’s his bedroom so it’s okay. He was prepared to convince me for 5 years, that it is okay.

He was so confident about everything, went as far as to call me his wife. What happened to all that? If he had the least bit of feelings for me, how can he wake up and not feel pain of the relationship ending?  He wasn’t the only one under pressure and stress. We waited for 10 years. Actually, the wait wasn’t even 1 year now. April 5, 2019, he said he is going to return as a better person for our relationship.  8 months. He needed to hold on for 8 months, by then he will graduate. What happened to his love for me?

He even slapped me, when I refused to agree to the breakup. If he loved me dearly, how can he slap me? His only explanation for that was he was going insane.

How can he flaunt a proposal he got with everyone? If he felt any sort of pain from ending the relationship, how can he flaunt a proposal he got? How can he stay away from me?

Back in high school, from parents pressure when I said to end things, I knew I love him and I knew I couldn’t stay away from him, despite what my parents said. Then if he really loved me, how is he staying away from me and saying it is okay?

His own cousin convinced her parents that she wants to marry a hindu boy. Their marriage took place in December 2018. He told me he felt nothing seeing their interreligious marriage work successfully. Around September 2017 a family friends daughter wanted to marry a hindu tamil boy. He recorded the entire conversation of what her parents were saying about her. Eventually, the parents who were against agreed to her choice of a boy. What happened to his love? How can he just wake up one day and completely give up? That too without even trying. I would understand if he tried and it didn’t work. But we didn’t even try.

He attended their engagement party around March 2018, sent me pictures. And said we will be there one day. And then when he attended their reception in April 2019, he said he felt sick.

His parents recently got a $2.4 mill house, he is now working in his family business with his dad and he saw he would get a good proposal from reputed ppl because of his dads status. He eventually wants to take over the family business, which is currently the fasted growing company in Canada (Top 500). And just like that, his love for me vanished.

When I had the same offer, I never fell for it. If I would have taken the offer, I would have been a doctor by now, married to a doctor. My parents would easily be retired and settled back in India. For him, I didn’t and couldn’t accept the offer because I loved him so much.

I always told him, if we worked hard, we would also reach the same height our parents are at. If not better. He kept guiding with a promising future and what did he do in the end?

When it came to me, how could he take up such an offer?

Why didn’t he realize his fathers power over him, for the 4 years we were in high school?

It is true my parents said they will disown me. They said this back in high school, those times he told me to stand strong for us and we will eventually convince them. As soon as we graduate from University get a job, we waited 10 years for that moment. If he waited 1 more year we could have told our parents.

Why is that he decides to act now, on what his parents said? When I told him the same 10 years ago, he never listened. Why now, when we are so close? I rejected proposals and kept telling my parents I need time. Just so, I can give him time to graduate and get a job.

And the reason why I say it is crazy talk when he said lets run away, its because we never got the chance to properly talk to our parents about our intention. I never was able to introduce to my parents him and vise versa for him. He made such a conclusion without us even attempting to tell our parents anything. And now I feel he was never going to talk about marriage to his parents in the first place.

He just left me all of a sudden. He didn’t even bother talking to me about any of it. At least, when I felt something I had the courtesy to explain my end to him. He never did that for me. He just declared everything on me.

April 29 2019, in front of his parents he told me he changed his mind because of what they said. I have been asking the same since October 2018, he kept lying to me.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Natasha.

Within these 10 years of the relationship. He also told me how he felt alone. His dad was constantly traveling for business needs and his mom would concentrate on the Muslim organization events. He would tell me how he hates them. Around 2016 he even wrote them a letter saying how he feels and in the letter he even wrote about the relationship. He even felt like his mom had an affair. I always told him to appreciate what his parents does for him. Because he is born with a golden spoon. I told him to understand how his dad works hard to provide for his the clothes he wants, a house, education, and many other things. And to not speak ill of his mother like that. I cannot understand, how in the end he turns so cold towards me. He basically treats me like a complete stranger. I barely even know him now. And the worst part, I feel like the 10-year relationship and I meant nothing to him. I feel I was some sort of a game to him or a distraction. Now that he is grown up his mom worries for suitors for him and his dad wants him involved in the business. Under that circumstance, he is getting their attention. Did he even love me? He still claims he had genuine love towards me, but he changed his mind changed. Now he only sees his parents pain. And now he feels happiness and ease with his parents.

I don’t how to behave as he did. To just walk away from the relationship like its nothing. I lost 6kg in one month. When he saw me, he made a joke out of it. Saying at least you lost weight over it. I feel I am the only one getting blamed. While he is getting a pat on his back.