Dearest Anita,

i guess probably thats the case, i can bet that i mentioned that im bad when i confessed the cheating repeatedly so i guess yes this is the case.

Natie

Dear Anita,

sorry i got that wrong. Yes you are right i am the eldest child and so if i got a bad grade at school my mom would be really sad and i felt like i had to write a letter to her to apologise or when my siblings were growing up I was always up till now uptight and worried that if they satyed out all night they will cause problems at home so i kept calling and chasing them and felt it in my bones because if i didn’t there will be a fight at the house between my parents.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.

sorry i keep writting alot but i remembered an example on how i treated him… 3 days after his arrival to the states he called me crying in the middle of the night and i was like really? and i started talking with a high pitch but all my content was me telling him the following ” its tough  i know we all been there , i know people who kept on crying for 6 months and wanting to leave and then they survived it ,, i went through this just like you last year and its going to be ok, you need to man up as your father told you ,, etc..” anyways we ended up arguing as he was like why are you screaming why are you acusing me of waking you up , why cant you be more loving by telling me that its ok to go back home or to keep on crying and that its difficult and nothing forces you to stay , etc…

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.

Dear Anita

so basically the first part you got it right. as for the second part , whats confusing is that i cant blame him if he didnt know or want to provide emotional support ( i breached his trust at the end of the day) even though he tried he was the calm and collected and i kept on being the moody and mean person as i didnt understand whats happening and i tried to push him away as i couldnt bare myself and how treated him yet whats confusing me is that when he argues with me its like he bottled up everything that he said it didnt bother him ( ex: the cheating , 8 months later he wants to go into details all over again because apparently at the time of the confession he was busy with interviews – i helped him with it as well every single email.. another example would be that yes it might be correct that i had a mean or depressed tone when his father was dying but i went above and beyond after his death and still i was lacking empathy in his eyes, another confusing example is that he always told me he was proud of me and how motivated i am in my career and he feels bad for my bad luck in my unstable jobs but suddenly i was told twice that i was selfish and i put work as a priority because if you love someone you need to compromise and life is short and work in a specific field is not important so you can always change careers with your degree) .. this is causing me alot of confusion ..

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for always answering me .

my answers:
1- i used to take care of every detail he needed from sending and writing his work emails when he needed, to giving him advice on how to do interviews even though i was still at college and dont know how to do interviews but i researched the internet. To encouraging him to face those who give him a hard time and calming him down to help him articulate what to respond , pushing him to join social setting and with my friends even if he doesnt feel like he wants to contribute much, i valued his presence. i used to up until maybe this point do the thing in order to show him how to do it whether its washing clothes or cleaning even gifts , he spent the first two years of my birthday giving me gifts from his mom because he didnt have time to go shopping but i made sure every birthday to notice what he likes or doesnt like and surprise him with that.. ( althouhght i should mention he started getting things on christmas to me but after i started gifting his family with customized gifts as a surprise while they are abroad) and so i never felt like anything is coming creatively or easily unless i can teach it , even our conversations today , he ends up mirroring almsot alot of my sentences which sometimes feels like i know what the answer will be cause its like im talking to myself and its not mentally challenging..

2- no,controlling in a way that it feels like i always need to be right or prove a point ( and they started saying this after the cheating happened- i guess after the abuse i lost my mind)- for example: for persuading him to understand why im putting alot of effort into my career and studies at least for the next 3 years and refusing to tie the not in the meantime,  for commenting on point #6, for expecting him to answer me something differently especially when i need encouragement ( probably because he is an emotional person and im more practical so whenever he needed motivation or advice i used to give him technical ones even if i dont know about the topic i research it and maybe thats why it gave the image of controlling as well), and because maybe after the cheating i did ,abuse and losing my job all within the same period i started feeling like something is controlling my mind and i started pushing him away even though he did everything to stay close to the degree that i begged him to leave because i kept arguing with him over nothing just because it felt like someone else is controlling me and i didnt understand why i was reacting this way and i just wanted to stop the way i act with him and even with my mom, etc..

3- i looked at our conversation when his father was dying at the hopsital , we had a fight prior to that but it didnt stop me from reaching out almost daily afterwards asking him ” how is your father today”, saying things like” we are praying for him” or ” hang onto the hope they give you”.. but when we did zoom video , i cant remember clearly the words but i was also feeling off , moody and down and it was reflected on my tone but i tried my best to ask in details about his plan in this situation and about his family and how are they holding up and that we are praying for him… but i guess the tone and my bad mood at the time gave it away… but what i can assure you is that after his death i dropped everything i even didnt tell him i lost my job and up until last week i tried to walk with him through his pain to the best of my ability even though he repeatedly refused to open up so i tried to help him directly and indirectly ( books, articles,  prayers,etc..) even when fighting about where he wants to settle i acknowledged the fact that this coming out of place of pain…

4- im asking too much from a guy to wait all these years ( especially that he met me at 21/22) just for me to start my career and get my MBA ,, in his own words ” no guy waits all that long , all i want is to be with you , i dont see why you cant make that happen even if it means to change your entire career you can always find another job..” , he saw my latest internship to the UAE ” as a selfish move and that i did it for my own good and not to the good of the relationship” –> which is a point i can not understand till now

5- breaking up with him after4 months of his father’s death ( now) , and after putting him through tons of shit with me as mentioned above yet he was  as considerate as possible with a devil like me,…

6- a)i didnt tell him anything more, when he told me you are not satisfied with me i was like no i am and i like your type and your style and you know that from the start but people started asking and i feel like im bigger than you when i stand next to you and somehow loses part of my feminism which affects the attraction towards you…  b) he said that you think that im not meeting the minimum but you are? in his words ” if i wanted to go with a girl with bigger body parts i would but i am not like that and this is not what i want ”

7- yes after the cheating, i cant explain it

3-

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.

Dear Anita & TeaK,

Thank you both so much for knocking some sense into me.. i needed to go through all your words carefully and it let me to revise alot as well… if i ever ended up talking to him again i will make sure to hear everything he has to say and make sure that i need to be as clear as possible… wish you both good health and happiness.

thank you for all that you do,

natie

Hi Peter,

you are right i have done and still doing alot of shadow work especially after me cheating-i never knew about the concept before. Im writing but the guilt and the voices of “ its all yoir fault” things have come to an end are killing me , I literally dont see any self worth…

thank you for that piece , this hits the heart “It’s our choice, whether to hate something in our lives or to love every moment of them, even the parts that bring us pain. “At every moment, we are volunteers.”