Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for the detailed response. it gives me some sort of peace.

i totally agree with you however “No one is perfectly good at all times, but we should strive to improve, to become better.” this sentence you wrote is everything i am struggling with. the thought in my head is that given this statement, him and I are not perfect but he is striving to improve , should that be a game changes? would i be making the wrong decision by not taking this into consideration and giving him a chance ?

best

Dearest TeaK,

“I can imagine how much pressure you were living under as a young girl, trying to keep your parents happy, looking for solutions all the time, trying to minimize damage, and feeling guilty if you haven’t succeed. It was a big burden, and this is a girl you need to empathize with first. You yourself, as a young girl, eager to make her parents happy.” – i cried reading this , i dont know why but it touched my heart, thank you for being such an understanding person.

And thank you for your advice and detailed thinking.

Natie

Dear TeaK,

In terms of what im planning to do. i guess since we’ve already broken up , i just need to accept it and try to make peace with this fact and start holding myself more accountable to be a better person. do you have any better approaches that you can point me to?

” Also, try having compassion for your inner child” – thank you for mentioning this, Anita once mentioned it to me as well, and since then i have been trying to learn more about how to reach that inner child and how to deal with all of that , do you maybe suggest anything helpful in that matter that i should check?

thanks a million for everything,

Natie

Dear TeaK,

“It also seems to me that he is swaying between his adult part (e.g. when he understands your reasons or when he apologizes for hurting you) and his scared, needy child part (when he is accusing you).” thank you for this , i have been trying to describe this confusion and you were able to put into words and it gave me a sense of understanding, i wish i was able to notice this earlier, maybe i will be of a help or more understanding , anyway i guess lesson learned…

as for being the eldest , yes 100% thats correct and not only my sibilings but the entire family’s problems somtimes.. i am starting to learn how to let go slowly , there is alot of bad habits i need to change about me ..

thank you for everything ,

Natie

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.

Hi TeaK,

Great to hear from you and i hope you had a lovely vacation!

“It could be that his father’s death was a big emotional shock to him, and suddenly he became more vulnerable, asking you to accommodate for that and change the original agreement (of getting married at 27)”. i honestly thought that as well at first, but then i remembered that this wasnt the first time he called me selfish, we had an argument before his fathers death about this right when we was about to transfer to the states and me to the UAE. This time however, guilt tripping about previous mistakes were brought up and i was wrongly accused that i moved to the UAE for my own good, i had to sit him down explain to him that he was the one who encouraged me and wanted me to have outside consultancy while interviewing to helpe me succeed and that he was the one who checked up daily if i heard back form the PE or not and told me not to worry they will get back to me- i genuinely thought we made it as a team decision- once i reminded him of that he was like ” yeah you are right but i didnt think about it this way/deeply and clealry when i confronted you recently .. ” so im kinda confused you know, a support from one side and then an entire opposite situation at another time.. probably it was the heat of the moment ,,

”What I am noticing as a potential problem is that perhaps he doesn’t feel heard by you, because you tend to immediately offer practical advice on how to reduce his pain. For example, when his father died, you said you were sending him prayers, meditations, suggesting therapy etc, but when talking to him on the phone, you weren’t very supportive but moody, and perhaps he sensed it.” – actually i am very practical and you are right , but i didnt send these prayers of videos right away , i asked him at first repeadetly to talk about it and just pick up the phone tell me to shut up and for him just to get things off his chest but he suppressed his feelings and everytime i asked him to just stop pretending like everything is fine/ getting into fights about problems we havent even thought of and just open up  because i know that this is pain he used to tell me to not mention this and he will talk whenever he is ready so i tried sneding this as an indirect way to sooth his soul and that didnt work either, but everytime he opened up even a bit i used to listen and reassure him about how great his father was and how i see the image of his father in him and how proud his father is right now ,,, as for me being moody that was prior to his fathers death ( i lost my job at that time, didnt tell him, we had problems and his father was just getting sick).

“It seems like he didn’t feel heard by you, because you sort of attacked him for calling you in the middle of the night, and then you told him to man up and “get over it”….It doesn’t mean you need to be a mother to him, either a practical and problem-solving, or a comforting one, but I am just saying that there might be an energy about you where you tend to seek solutions before you really empathize with the person. I wonder if you see any truth in this?” you are right , i always seek solutions and probably want everyone to act so fast as a need to save/help them and myself.. i dont know why i do this … i will be working on it along with my temper

natie

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.

Hi Anita,

its always refreshing to hear back from you.

“I asked him to continue doing our long distance relationship like any other couple but he said that this is not love..“- it is his right to reject your offer of a LDR.- i totally understand and agree with you , its just caused me a confusion because prior to the breakup we used to agree on this ( do LDR for the next 3-4 years) but i guess there was a change of heart and thats fine…

“I feel guilty because I agreed to stay friends and see where the future might take us both“- this doesn’t sound like a break up, and.. why be friends with a person who says ugly words to you and who guilt trips you? – good question, well the rational behind it is that we thought that we first were best friends before being in a relationship and genuinely thought that we could keep this good thing alive between us..

“I have the confusion of whether this break up was right“- like I suggested above, I don’t think you broke up with him yet.- so how would you define a break up ? and how would you approach it while you are still confused about whether you exaggerated the reasons that led to the break up or if they were valid?

“Now the single life looks scary as the dating seen completely sucks, as I have been hearing from friends and family when it comes to their experiences”- your personal experience with dating can be way better than your friends’ and family’s, if you do it right. (I have dating advice if you are interested). – i truly hope so , given that im not someone who is really good at showing emotion and i tend to be an over-thinker and a realist most of the time.Plus, im genuinely interested to hear your advice/advises.

cheers,

Natie

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.

Dear Anita ,

Thank you for the clarification as i now understand better the point of view and it resonates well with me. However, one last question, given everything, would you say that i was controlling as they told me ? was i also wrong in wanting to land a job/ career in an industry i like and not any kind of industry and prepare for my MBA?
Also, yes , i would very much like to start addressing the core belief with you. i would love to hear what did you do to resolve it and how should i start approaching it.

Thanks a million,

Natie

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by natie.