Dear TeaK,

I just had that feeling, maybe from your id name ;P

And I’m going to talk further below 🙂

If I understood it well, your relationship was never meant to be a committed relationship. Whose idea was it? How did you feel about being in such a “loose” relationship?

No, it was never a committed one, he called me his lover, if possible, I’d honestly tell him that the term sounded like a mistress. Maybe you’d say it’s more like his idea as I simply stayed silent when he said he didn’t even want a girlfriend in the beginning, but I didn’t “fall for” him much back then, haha, and it didn’t bother me much as I had no reason to assume whether he’s entertaining other people or not, because we spent a lot of time together.

And could you clarify – what do you mean when you say that you couldn’t demand much even in a committed relationship?

I discussed with him once and I said something like “only in a marriage can you ask for something”, and I’ve no interests in getting married. I’m still trying to figure out what a girlfriend is entitled to do, so far I only know that I don’t want to share the person.

True intimacy is possible only if we’re vulnerable, if we honestly share how we feel. However, you don’t need to be vulnerable with people who don’t deserve it, who don’t care about you or respect you. This man doesn’t seem like someone who’d appreciate your vulnerability, or care to reciprocate. But somewhere down the line, the right person might come along, and then, it will be important for you to be able to come out of your shell, without being so afraid to share yourself.

I’ve been manifesting a partner whom I can always turn to without hesitation!

Well, what would you like better? I think that for the sake of breaking the pattern of silence and withdrawal, it wouldn’t be bad to stand up for yourself and express how you feel or have felt. But you might also decide it’s not worth it because he wouldn’t understand it anyway, or that his remarks might hurt you, so better to stay silent. What’s important is that you’ve understood it and that you’ve decided not to tolerate certain behaviors any more.

You saw my “dilemma”! I guess I’d like to talk back or return the anger, but what’s the point, right?

Dear TeaK,

Good to see you responding further, somehow I feel that you’re a man and no offense. I had tears in my eyes when reading your words, because they’re another confirmation of what I think about the situation.

Hope it wouldn’t be too confusing for you as I’ll continue discussing but in 2 subjects:

With the man, I hadn’t been so bothered before leaving and I guess I began to express more “negative” opinions later when things went down. I’ve been fully aware that without the formal title, I have no right to ask much, but actually, I still don’t suppose I could demand a lot even if it’s a committed relationship. And yes, I definitely don’t want to be humiliated ever again. The big question for me at the moment is, should I save my energy and simply stay silent or should I “list” my points “in case he pops up once again”?

With my mother, first of all, thanks for point it out, I didn’t relate the man’s judgement to her criticism! And I forgot when did she commented like that, but I know I’ve stopped being extrovert since high school.

Now I’ve cut people off from my already tiny circle, as they failed to reciprocate the way I’d valued them, and I hope to meet my like-minded pal(s) eventually.

Dear TeaK,

Thanks for joining, I’ll clarify further below.

From your recent posts, it appears you’re still keeping in touch with your male friend, but now you’re cold with him, and he doesn’t like it. Did I get that right?

Yes, you’re right, just the contacts are gone once again, and I’ve decided to not respond anymore if he returns, although I know that I shouldn’t think much about it, I still do.

It seems to me that both of you have the avoidant attachment style, meaning that both of you are afraid of intimacy and a deep, honest sharing of yourself. Of vulnerability. Because without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy, and there cannot be a deeper bond between two people.

I checked it before and found that I might have an anxious attachment style or so, haha. I did open up to a degree long time ago, but it’s not appreciated, so to protect myself from being hurt again, I’ve chosen to share far less now.

I don’t know what his story is and why he’s afraid of intimacy, but clearly, his actions suggest that he doesn’t have serious intentions with you, and that he believes it’s okay to forget about you for days on end and not reply. Even, that daily contact wouldn’t be “healthy”.

The problem for me his returning pattern/behaviours, to me, it’s like he leaves me behind and have fun then when there’s no one around him, he remembers me. Lately I thought again that without constant contacts, he’s no one or simply a stranger. Also, if he wasn’t putting so much effort in the beginning to contact frequently, I wouldn’t have observed the difference/change and assumed that he’s got other targets. And it’s greedy for me when he has someone else but keeps me there, but of course, I never said it because I don’t want to judge him like what he’s done to me.

You asked anita if he behaves like this because you’re too much to handle (so he needs to put a boundary to protect himself), or because he doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it’s because he doesn’t care – because you’re not asking too much. On the contrary, you’re hardly asking anything!

Yes, I don’t want to force an answer, and I don’t want to be seen as “oh, I’m so interested in you”.

As anita noted, you’re afraid to express your needs, to initiate contact, to even demand things that are rightfully yours, because you’re afraid of rejection. You’re also afraid of being like your mother if you’re too assertive or “demanding”. The result is that often times you stay silent, withdrawn, unexpressed.

Yes, my pride is still the first thing for me, actually, I recalled the other day that I once told him something like “I care too much about my pride, so even if I want something, I wouldn’t say it”.

Earlier in the conversation, you said that you mother used to tell you “you have good grades in school, but you need to change your attitude towards people”. What exactly did she mean by that? What attitude towards people did you have?

I think I might be self-centered in my childhood, and now I still am somewhat so, just when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.

It seems that during childhood, you witnessed two unbalanced ways to deal with conflict: one is your father’s, who’d rather leave the house or stay silent throughout the conflict (basically, he escaped conflict, choosing not to express himself). The other is your mother’s, who complained a lot, attacking and blaming your father (for being the victim, for serving your father while he behaves like in a hotel, etc). If I understood well, she was also provoked by his silence, which made her even more furious.

Yes, she disliked our silence during a fight/argument.

Dear anita,

Upon reading your reply, I thought to defend for my mother, but now I feel that maybe my father was stressed after returning home.

As for myself, I believe what I provided were attention and interesting chats, and to protect myself from being further taken advantage of, I’ve changed my attitude, I still replied but with coldness. And he complained. I suppose it’s obvious that he still disturbs me.

Dear anita,

It’s been quite some time, hope you’re all healthy. I’m finally less busy at the moment, so I want to answer your previous questions:

* Aggressive, picking up fights with your father and with you (“mother was always the one who forced others to talk during a fight… My mother also picks up fights with me”).

Yes, though she’s the victim in the marriage as far as I know.

* Talks way too much, practices no self control regarding what she is saying, and forces people to listen to her lengthy, aggressive talks (“My mother also picks up fights with me by saying whatever is on her mind… My mother expects us to listen to her lengthy stories, when we don’t, she often lashes out and threats”).

Yes.

* Harasses people in effort to force them to talk (“when my mother picked up a fight, she was like ‘what now? What have I done now?’… pushes me to talk rather than being silent… my mother was always the one who forced others to talk during a fight”).

Yes, but I wouldn’t use the word “harass”, however, I’ve noticed that I did that with my brother as a way to communicate now while he’s the silent one.

These behaviors by your mother traumatized you as a child and teenager. You made a very strong decision long ago, early in your life, to not be like her, to be the opposite of her (“my principle of waiting for the other to respond before going further, when there’s no cue (or ‘green light’) for me to go on, even if there’s   more I’d like to share, I can only keep silence… I’ve been avoiding being intrude… hardly asking questions, even those like ‘how’s your family?’. I believe if he wants to share, he’d do it voluntarily.. how do I know if others want to hear from me, instead of risking, I choose to stay silent”).

Probably yes, but I’m mot sure what’s the opposite of her.

What happened with this man, is that you asserted yourself with him, telling him that you are not interested in an on and off contact, but in a regular, continuous, dependable contact. It was a fair assertion, one that was very difficult for you to make because it felt .. a bit like being your mother, speaking up for yourself instead of being silent.

I don’t know if by making my point equates being like my mother, but I do expect a consistent connection.

When he reacted by telling you that you are not healthy (you boldfaced this word in your sentence yesterday: “He also said that it’s not healthy if I expect him to talk everyday and reply immediately, (which I didnt)”, it troubled you a lot because what you heard him say in your mind, is that you are like your mother, wanting too much contact, being unhealthy. And that’s the last thing you want to hear. Your decision long ago was to be the opposite of her, not to be like her!

I never related his response to how I see my mother, I only view that as his judgement on my idea.

Dear anita,

Many thanks for taking your time to review!

I’ll get back to your latest reply when I’m far less tired.

Wish you a nice weekend ahead

Dear anita,

Not sure if the 4 questions should be or are already answered, I’m going to try to clarify them (hopefully) better:

(1) “I don’t need on and off contacts” was the most important thing of those I spoke up.

(2) He said it looked like that I wanted to be on people’s mind always but it’s not how it works (well, now I kind of regret retrieving these back from my memory…).

(3) He also said that it’s not healthy if I expect him to talk everyday and reply immediately (, which I didn’t)

(4) I told him that if it’d take a few days to interact, then it meant the other didn’t care (it took him around a week to give feedback on something I shared, if I were a busy/careless” person like him, I’d have left the stuff which I had shared behind), he responded that he didn’t think so but I decided.

And about my last question, I wanted to know the possibilities of him refused (to a degree) to interact often, whether it’s because he simply didn’t want to or he was setting an emotional boundary to not be overly “spoiling” my “need” to interact often

Dear anita,

I don’t know if I need to apologise, and maybe my explanation’d only sound like an excuse, however, my intention of not making it clear about “whom” was out of shame and I didn’t want to limit the example to that man only, though I haven’t experienced the problem much besides him.

And if I have to be really clear, it’d be like what I just said above (“shame”), which seems to me that I must say everything that’s on my mind.

Feel free to drop the thread because I feel we’re developing it into an argument, and I don’t like fights.

Thank you