Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for still remember me.
I loved to talk with you again.
yes my child 3 years old now, and mariage age 5 years.

Thank you for the Empathy. I just realize, maybe Dona’s love language is Quality time. because she love a lot to be together.
in the other side, my husband doesn’t comfortable with her. because she sometimes talk unpleasant things.
i feel bad also because she lost her husband because of covid. i want to visit her, but i can’t. i know this may seem like a reason i made. but i don’t know why in my heart and thoughts is complicated.

she said that i will show up if only there is a problem or issues.. and she write down all of her effort to meet me. in the other side, i think she didn’t remember that i have an effort too..

“did her parents or Dona accuse you of not being grateful to them? What kind of communication have you had with her parents in the last few years and recently?” -> i think they are.. lately i have a few communication with them. i didn’t really close to them.. just in special case like birthday, i give them greetings..

I think this become more emotionally and make me overthinking also.. this relationship become not really comfortable i think..

Thank you,
Tania

Dear Jenny,

Thank you so much for the advice.. i will try to keep faith and pray.. i hope can find the way to be better situation and future.. just really hope for miracle and maybe this all is the moment can change my mind and my future.. for now maybe as you said.. im really hopeless.. even though my baby inside me. I feel guilty for what i feel now.. I don’t want my baby feel this pain also..

Dear Anita,

Do you think there was no love that left in his heart for me today?

Was he act that he love me?

I think those thing still impossible for now..

I’m alone and there’s no one besides me except him..

And also social status that will judge me if we are deforce..

And the traumatic feeling.. i don’t know how to heal aftee seperated from him.. i think another man is also as bad as him..

I’m frustated now.. i can’t sleep.. even i sleep, those things still inside my brain and left pain in the middle of sleeping..

I wasn’t ready for this all…

Dear Anita,

Thank you for trying to learn who is H.. I know i still trap in projected love.. And wanna to share to you about anything i know about H.

H is not romantic type of guy and didn’t want to change. And i will not ask him anymore to change.. i worried it will give him more pain. His type of love language is giving service and gift. As i make a conclusion from all of what he usually does. He can help me wash the dishes, wash clothes and clean the bathroom, cut fruit for me. Especially when i pregnant.

He didn’t like to talk about heart things.. because for him anything is just okay. I think he never feel our relationship ever like broke or didn’t complete etc. Because for him he is love me enough. And he will getting angry if he know that sometimes i feel lonely and need more love. What he will do is angry, because he feels i never grateful of anything he gave to me. But my intention is not like that. I just feel empty inside and maybe it’s because my past situation of my live..

So in his logic, he think i always feel less. He think he give me anything. His time, his attention. But he see me like i feel it’s a small thing and want more. And he didn’t like me to always feel like that or ask him to give me more hug, more kiss. I just know that he didn’t really like more hug and kiss. He said that and mention about his family, if i didn’t believe him, i can ask his family. And he doesnt like when i talking and compare him now and past time.. i don’t know why.. is that wrong thing? It’s  the same him right? I didn’t compare him with another guy. But i think i will stop because it will make us fight again..

Hmm yes.. i think he is like me to be in the background while he does anything. With sometimes talking with me about what’s he seen and what’s attract his attention. and talking about funny thing sometimes.

My attention still on him. Really much. And i feel really bad about it Anita.. i don’t know why i feel those things.. ‘Feeling lonely, unattended to, unlove, feeling jealous, suspicious’.. what do you think anita..? Because my suspicious about his behaviour of watching porn regularly behind me, is make me really bad.. I never get any serious complain about my body etc.. but now when i knowing what he is doing, make me think what’s my lack..?

But besides his bad habit, he still love me and take care of me.. so i feel, am i too emotional or too sensitive..? Or should i decide to think that everyone has his darkness desire? And it’s his darkness habit..

I just didn’t want to mention it for this time.. because i think.. it’s useless.. even i talk seriously about that thing, but if he didn’t feel it’s wrong and didn’t think and didn’t feel it will affect to his love and care to me, i think he will still find another way to do those secret things..

What do you think anita…?

Dear Anita,

It’s okay to call me either tania or nia. It’s okay. Maybe because some of problem that have some of repeated pattern.. kind of fell in the same hole..

That’s true.. the words “your face just like your mother and it’s remain me about what she’s done” and maybe some of my words to answer that he claimed same as my mom’s style. Even though i never hear her single word. Except before she left me. And that time my memories also nothing right? Because i just a little girl that can’t talk and don’t understand about adult talk.

Actually i didn’t aware about this.. but now i realize how hurt that time i hear my dad said that words. I didn’t think my dad betrayed my loyalty.. That time i just feel hurt and blamed my mom why she left us. And bring me to this situation of family. Feel lonely even my dad always beside me.. i don’t know why.. i really didn’t awarw that those things is the cause of my mental illness now..

Sometimes my dad also mad at me because of some chores that i didn’t do. And mad like i deliberately didn’t do it. He sometimes like accuse me and when i answer, he always said that  i just said an excuses.. sometimes that thing also make me feel tired in my home.

But i still love my dad and hope he always healthy. In days before he passed away, he hug me so tight and said that he love me so much and always want to be with me forever. And that’s what i remember in this whole years without him..

I didn’t realize that i need professional help to do psychotherapy..  and actually I’m not familiar with psychology things..

Dear Anita,

1. Yes, u’re alright.. he will know if i ask.. and i didn’t ask him though..

2. I’m so sorry that i make u remember about what’s you’ve struggle childhood..

How could i re-live and repair my childhood moment anita..? For now i still feel easy to feel sad, envy, jelous etc.. but my intention is not for hurting other people.. 😭 i just feel i haven’t met my original me yet..

And..

I wanna ask something that make me think a lot anita..

These days.. after our marriage, i don’t know exactly when.. but i look at my husband social media, and he following pretty acctress and sometimes liked their photos..

I feel really jealous anita.. i always hate when i looked him scrolling his social media. Look another girls, even thats an actress.. i really fell uncomfortable and i think that darkness came up again.

It’s  feels like.. really gloomy.. and i wanna ask him..” whats wrong with me? Why you do this? We’ve married and you have a wife. Why you still look at another girl..”

Am i wrong anita? Am i too jealous about this?

Dear Anita,

Yes you are correct..” Feeling lonely, unattended to, unloved,  feeling that he likes someone else better than he likes you/ feeling jealous, suspicious… ” is what i feel for my entire life… even if with my dad…

I just remember… when i was in elementary school, and my father give compliment to my friend. And i become really jealous.. i feel my father like her more than me… i just remember this because you mention my childhood…

My father also never celebrate my birthday except my 1 years old… every birthday that i left is really ordinary… then i become feel some of dissapointed… although i know much that my father love me.. he loves me.. and give everything to me.. when he alive, i  thought that he didn’t like me because my face just the same with my mom that he hate the most (he ever told me that thing when he was angry). because of that, sometimes i got pain from my dad’s word when he angry and become compare me with my mom. Which is i never know since i was 3 years old..

And sadly… my husband also not like to celebrate special moment 😭

She didn’t mention or said anything else.. just said “poor tania” so thats why so many questions in my head… should i ask my husband..? Or i just ignore it.. maybe it’s just my sensitivity….?