Yes it is time!!! I think I am going to go back to Florida! It is my only option at this point. I do not deserve this treatment. Even though this shame is debilitating I know my worth. It is fading and I cannot allow them to take any more of it. I do not want to be impulsive but I think I will be leaving this city and moving on. It is so hard. I feel leaving is just hiding from the problem though but I truly think I need to get away this time. I need separation from these soul sucking creatures.

Will I get my hopes and dreams back? I feel like they are lost. I was doing so well and taking great care of myself. Doing new things and now I feel paralyzed and worthless.

I just know my codependency plays a role in my reactions and I guess I’m internalizing that blame and shame so much right now. I just want it to go away!

I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now. The wake was literally a hell! Anita I’m afraid I am going down right now. I have no energy. My body is responding to this toxicity I’m living in. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back out with gaslighting and shaming. I fear I’ll never be happy again after this feeling. I don’t even have the strength anymore to get out of this house. I need to go right now but cannot muster up and have NO support at this point. I’m scared

But then wouldn’t it make me just like them if I don’t try to be a better person?

Please tell me I won’t feel this shame forever?

I feel so dark and numb and lost Anita

nit sure what to do with this wake

You are right and I keep telling myself they are just feelings. That is all. But I continue to feel so shamed. It’s also physically affecting me. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest hurts. The shame I feel is the passive aggressiveness that my family are all playing a part in. Basically my aunts husband has made me feel like the smallest thing in the world. Like nothing I did throughout this time was good enough. I have been there for the last three months. I have been visiting. Listening. Supporting and offering advice. And he basically is very clear and full of shame himself and I just feel he placed in all on me and not just me. To the hospice unit yesterday he wore a shirt that said “y’all need jesus” if that wasn’t a statement I don’t know what is. Also my aunt whom I live with continues with her aggressiveness. Was so fake throughout this time and watching people believe in her makes me sick to my stomach. In front of anyone one said “I told Angel (my aunts husband) that WE would buy and set up refreshments for the wake, you kinda like I did for your moms wake” but in a rude cruel manner. It was like a stab to my heart. I’m so drained. I cannot even imagine going to this funeral. I again felt like I was in a sharks tank. I am sick

Hi Anita, wow such an interesting twist. I was in the despair of depression earlier between the situation with my aunt and just life. I managed to get out of bed and started to do things for myself. I reached out to a cousin and had a good conversation. My aunt came home in a great mood and offered me dinner. I said ok. Sweet as pie tonight. Asked me how I handled mother’s day. We discussed my other Aunt going into hospice and losing her and she held me while I cried and she cried herself and I held her. It was actually really nice. I feel much better letting the crying out and having her be nice to me. I am not naive this time, I understand she has problems and this is just a good time with her until the next punch in the face as you call it. But it was still nice because she has been cruel.  Anita it is hard for me because I am so compassionate but I’m not naive anymore. I feel bad people who are hurting like that. It is not easy to sit in pain. I do it without projecting it on anyone. It is painful work!! Definitely not for a weak person. She cried tonight regarding her son. I tried to make her understand she is sometimes wrong but that didn’t go over too well. I told her she needed to focus on herself more instead of judging others. I told her it was holding her back from happiness. I know she will not take my advice. And I know I still have to leave. I am leaving this house. I am hoping she won’t hate me and we can continue a distant relationship. Family is so important to me and it’s hard to think I have to shut them out.   I am very nostalgic right now when we are facing losing my aunt who was a sweet kind soul without a bad bone in her body. She was my moms sister. She was an amazing giving person who suddenly developed a disease and it has taken over her body. Things are in a different perspective at this very moment which worries me that my priorities and feelings change so much. But that life is so short, how can we turn on family. They are not all good including my aunt but they have  good things about them. My aunt is at the hospital with my aunt all the time supports my grandma, there for her brothers and open house to me, and there for anyone who needs it. None of us are perfect. Before living with her I had no problem with her. I have to love family from a distance I believe. I am feeling  very nostalgic. It worries me because I keep getting hurt.

Hi Anita,

I agree with you as usual but why does this inner being in me always have a BUT. Like yes she shouldn’t bad mouth and yes others should have been more careful with their behavior but they also have done a lot of good for me. My aunt listened to me all the time when I first got here. She was very supportive. She let me sleep over before moving here all the time. She made me comfortable. And then she offered me to live here when my brother and I were having problems. So it is hard to cross her off and not feel bad for certain things. I know she has poor behavior. Especially when she doesn’t get what she wants. She doesn’t know how to ask for what she needs, she only knows how to manipulate. That is sad.

I for the most part do not tolerate the abuse. I don’t do things she tries to manipulate me to do and I do not let her shame me when she tries to. I have been so strong and for that I am proud.

I know I do not have to leave but for the most part I do think it is the best thing to do. I love her but I do not think it is a healthy environment during my healing journey. Plus I’d like to salvage whatever relationship we can. Hopefully moving away from her we can get back to the relationship we had. But that didn’t work out too well with my brother. Our relationship got worse after leaving.

So the thing holding me back is the money I will “lose” 250 a month is 1250 in 5 months towards my savings. Which I think I can handle losing. But the space as well. I have a fully furnished basement with kitchen/bath/bedroom/living room and desk area. I will be downsizing into one bedroom but a big one where I can put a desk. A shared bath and kitchen with 4 other women. That is a huge change. HUGE. I love my space during the day as I work. I cook, clean, work and get ready for the day without any disturbance. But on the other hand am always trying to flee this house when my aunt is home. I have spent money on Hotels to get away. At least with strangers as roommates I can go directly to my room when I do not wish to be bothered and not have to worry about being shamed for it, at least I hope not. I am so confused.

Another worry is the fact that my other Aunt is about to be sent to hospice and it will be a hard time for my Aunt and me and I feel bad leaving her at this time. My family may think I am heartless.

I am having a hard time?

But hate that I never get myself out of situations when I know I should. I should have got an apartment by myself as soon as I got here. I think that would have prevented my brother and I falling out as well as his girlfriend and I. It would have prevented my aunt I going through this. I can’t help but have that in my mind lately but am trying to have compassion for myself as I was lost when I first got here.