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GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH

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Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 405 total)
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  • #295565
    Nichole
    Participant

    I took a hot shower and felt good for a second and then the shame came rushing back. I am so mad I was doing SO good. I was holding all boundaries and taking care of me. I was loving and kind to everyone I just learned to put myself first. I shouldn’t have allowed my older brother to pull me in. That is what is happening here. I held my boundaries very tight. and him my father and other brother convinced me to have a “talk” regarding our family issues within 20 minutes I was shamed, told I sucked as a God mother, I thought I was perfect, and I was the one who pushed my mother to her death!! I know I have shamed them by holding them accountable for their behavior but I did not deserve these accusations. They are further from the truth so why then do I carry this shame! it is so unfair!!!

    #295569
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    Who told you that you pushed your mother to her death, who specifically said it or agreed to it once it was said?

    anita

    #295575
    Nichole
    Participant

    My brother who I used to live with. It was shocking!! And then my brother said we all did. He didn’t say I pushed her to her death he said I pushed her so hard while she was dying. Omg just talking about it makes me nauseous. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I am so scared these feelings wont go away

    #295577
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    I am so sorry, Nichole, that he said that. Looking at the title  of your 11 page thread, “guilt and pain after mother’s death”- what he said hit hard where it hurts you most. I can’t believe he did that. Well, now you know who is… not there for you. It feels like the end of the world to you, not having anyone, anyone you can rely on?

    anita

    #295579
    Nichole
    Participant

    Yes it does

    #295587
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    Well, I have personal experience with that feeling of the end of the world, having no one to rely on and being alone. I was there and I made it here and so can you.

    There were quite a few time in my life when I didn’t have a safe place, not having a home to go to, being in a big city not knowing anyone at all. And I was in that position not well, not … bright-eyes-and-bushy-tailed, ready to make friends and do well in life. Not at all, I was anxious and depressed but I made it and here I am typing to you.

    As bad as you feel, you will survive this feeling, the feeling will not take you down to oblivion. What you feel, I felt and so many, many people have felt, even now, as I type this, so many people feel this way and are truly alone.

    Make today a beginning, start your life anew. You did well for a long time before the recent events. That ability of yours, to aim at a goal and succeed in making it come true, this ability is not gone, it is temporarily dormant. But it is there, trust me, it is there in you.

    Make today a beginning, like a baby relearning to crawl, then to walk, step after step.

    You said you don’t have any friends. Well, hire someone to pack your stuff, move to one of those rentals you used before, not long ago, make travel arrangements. Not to the ex!!! No, no, no!

    First, pack and move, and don’t look back but forward, one step at a time.

    anita

    #295645
    Nichole
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    I feel a little better today. I suffered a very rough day yesterday. I want to start new but am now doubting everything. It is not fair that living with my toxic aunt has put me on such an edge that she separated me from my family. She is getting what she wants!

    She wanted to sabotage my life and she is successful. I’m isolated from family. Left my second job. Have spent tons on hotels by getting away so haunted my savings.

     

    she came home while I was loading my car with some things yesterday so I had to let her know that I may be leaving. I told her my boss wants me back to Florida. It seems like she was so happy for that.

    Back at square one. Lost

    #295647
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    Back to square one, you wrote. Square one being moving away from Family, out of state, to a place where you have no family. Excellent, an excellent square one, couldn’t be a better square one for you to be in.

    See to it that as you proceed to square two and three, that you don’t go back to this family. It is simply not good for you. You have to let it go, that longing for them, at least, accept this longing but don’t act on it.

    Regarding Florida, you are not thinking about that man there, are you?

    anita

     

    #295687
    Nichole
    Participant

    I will always long for my family, I love them. This is my niece and nephew on the line. It is so not fair that it has to be this way. I would like to make things cordial before I leave. It would nice for anyone to be happy for me. I am so scared! Do you really think I should leave state or should I get my own place here and try to I’ve my own life and try to work it out?

    #295741
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    You mentioned moving to Florida, a different state, you didn’t suggest before that you wanted to stay in Chicago. So now you are considering staying in Chicago? “and try to work it out”, you mean make your relationships with your aunt okay, as well as with your younger brother?

    anita

    #295907
    Nichole
    Participant

    I did mean that the day I wrote to you but am now reconsidering. I am so hurt by my family that they would want to make me so little by withdrawing any support. That hurts so bad. I honestly feel like I was doing good and then was bamboozled by everyone as to bring me down to their level like “you aren’t going anywhere “ I am trying to process this trauma.

    For now I have rented a room in a nice area for a month. I made that step. Now to get things out of my aunts house will be my final struggle.

    #295917
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    Congratulations ! I am impressed that you were able to make this move, to rent a room and live away from your aunt, excellent!

    I understand your loyalty to your family, Nichole. You are a good person, loyal, loving, having the best intentions in context of your family. But you know the line “stupid is as stupid does” from the movie Forrest Gump? Well, don’t be stupid, Nichole. Be loyal but not stupid, loving but not stupid.

    In other words, do not live with any of your family members, not with any of your brothers or with your father, or with any aunt or uncle. Resolve to never do that again. Regarding relationships with any of them- remember how miserable that visit was to your older brother, in Arizona I think it was? You had a miserable time there and in the way back with your younger brother. Do not repeat that visit!

    Don’t do the same things that already brought you misery. You can live in Chicago if you resolve to.. not be stupid in Chicago. Or move elsewhere, as long as you resolve to not be stupid anywhere!

    Please let me know what you think and I will be glad to communicate with you daily as you figure out what to do and where.

    anita

    #296157
    Nichole
    Participant

    What do I think? I think I had much more confidence yesterday. I think I feel like crap. I haven’t slept all night. I had tremors all night, oh yea that is something new I have. I feel hopeless. What is the point? How could family tear you down so bad? How could life be this way? All I want is to find kind, loving people. Is it even possible?

     

    I am so down today. More than ever I think. I feel dark and lonely and wondering what the point is.

    I think I might start the zoloft I was given.

    Honestly what choice do I have?

    #296159
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    I took Zoloft Feb 1996- sometime after 2010 (off all psych drugs Oct 2013), most of the time 300 mg per day, 400 mg per day for years. Felt better for a while but didn’t get the psychotherapy I desperately needed before 2011, so my functioning in life deteriorated through the years of taking the psych drugs.

    “I had tremors all night”- can you elaborate? (I had tics since I was five, these are sort of tremors, I guess, uncontrolled muscle movements that involve great distress).

    “What is the point? How could family tear you down so bad? How could  life be this way? All I want is to find kind, loving people. Is it even possible?”-

    – I hope that soon enough, Nichole, you will no longer be bamboozled by reality. Sometime back in history it was acceptable and legal for parents to kill their children when inconvenienced by them. Although it is illegal now and unacceptable, aggression within families, aggression executed by parents against their children is very common, be it physically or verbally. Aggression and mistreatment by parents and by older siblings against younger siblings is very common. Such is not common in nature but does exist in situations where animals are held captive, such as in zoos.

    Our human society is such that people are held captive, in a lot of ways, which is the reason why aggression and abuse are so common.

    When will Nichole no longer be bamboozled?

    anita

    #296161
    Nichole
    Participant

    So you suggest not taking it?

    I just can’t believe I am here right now, I am assuming it is the fact I haven’t slept and am having tremors suddenly? By tremors I mean the muscle jolts all night. It is as soon as I shut my eyes so it wakes me right up and I am up all night like an owl. What is funny is that my aunt who passed husband throughout the time I was going to see her told me this exact same thing happened to him. It is so crazy that a lot of the things I am going through are the very things people I know are going through. You say you do not believe in narcissism, but I do and I was projected this shame and guilt and blame. Deep down inside I know this is not me. I was actually doing really well setting boundaries and loving myself. I am very upset I am here in this place right now. So very shamed, my aunt has smeared me so bad I have no support from family. But I cant just blame her, they know it is not true but they are so shamed themselves so they wanted to take me down with them it feels. The stress has been so bad that my face has been itching and I have this sores now. I feel like I am falling apart but I keep holding on by a thread. Exactly, when am I going to stop being bamboozled? Why do I always stay way longer. It is like I like the pain. So upset with myself for not knowing what to do right now. I think Florida it is, I always wanted to go back since I got here but never had the courage since my ex is there but I cannot let him rule my decision. But what if it doesn’t work?

    Scary thoughts. How much time can I be wasting more?

Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 405 total)

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