Thanks Anita as always your advice is on point.

i am excited to live both an easier and more interesting life.

And I do not want to complain but am struggling so much. I have ptsd, so that means nightmares, anxiety attacks often and flashbacks sometimes all day long. I also have very codependent behavior that is not so easy to take at times. It is an addiction from what I am learning. On that note I want to apologize for the overwhelming plea to come live with you I did a couple months ago. Although at the time I was serious, it was my inner little me crying for help from anyone. But so not fair to do to you. I appreciate your advice and support throughout my journey. There is so many things I have learned from you and used to get me where I am.

survival mode is exactly what I am in. My somatic therapist has helped me to see this and I look back and see some of the extreme behavior and decisions I made were complete survival. I do forgive myself because this is a learned behavior from childhood. I had no choice but to survive in that household. But since I left my aunts place I have been only surviving. I am so tired of it. I spent over 8 thousand in 5 months surviving. It is sad to me. I had a dream and goals and was starting to live rather than survive but my family was not having it. But more than anything I went into self sabotage mode and am having trouble forgiving this. I worked so hard to get to where I was to be thrown off track like that is painful. I have been no contact with my entire family for 2 weeks. It is not easy but when I realize how much I’ve lost in these months I am almost furious with them and how they make me the bad guy when all I did was try to love and forgive them. I know I need to feel these feelings out but it’s hard when sometimes I’m in an all day panic attack.

My latest thought (not sure if this is survival) is going back to Florida. Ending my lease and taking what I can. Selling the rest. I have my job and know a couple of maybe nice people in the area.

I honestly dont know what I was thinking getting this apartment. I know it had to do with family but now that winter is arriving this is so not where I want to be. I don’t think my car can handle it, I also don’t think I can. Last winter was depressing and that is when I was seeing family. To be alone all winter here sounds dreadful.

But the con is the hassle of all that I would have to do. Saving for a month by working extra hours and second job. Also the stress of the move itself. I don’t know if I can handle anymore stress. My bathroom vent was leaking this morning when I woke up and I literally felt the stress feeling come up my body as if to tell me if one more thing becomes stressful!!

Hi Anita!

I am back. Trying to heal and move on. It has been rough since we last spoke. Although I did get situated in my new place, I have had to have dealings with family when we lost another family member. I suffered some more gas lighting and projection. I have certainly abandoned myself at times. That is hard to come to terms with. I’m holding on strong but honestly between my PTSD and anxiety sometimes it is minute by minute.

All I truly want is to love and be loved by good people. Not perfect just a simple life. But somewhere in my subconscious I belive I am not letting go of family. So I keep getting in the tangle and each time worse.

Grenada, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother and also not having family support. This is extremely hard. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. Wishing well in your recovery. I know how hard it is losing a parent. It will get better with time but honestly I am still getting over my moms a year later. It is a difficult dark road but we are not alone and I have found so groups to help and made a couple new friends.

Sending you love

I thought about it but can’t come up with a answer.

Its so hard for me to just let things go

well at this stress level it is

i feel like calling him or my father is saying it’s ok what you did to me since I never responded to them

also not sure I want family knowing I have an apartment here

i may say I left town and be alone from them?

but see my decision making is poor

with constant thoughts and stress levels at all time high I’m shaky and uneasy and it sucks

none of this was my plan

life was going ok, I worked hard to get to a better place and I’m so defeated!

I’ve been trying to figure this out. I lay meditate and ask my body. I look in the mirror and ask. I know being alone has tooken its burden on me strongly but I continue meditating and telling little me I’m safe and no danger. It works momentarily and then the visions and flashbacks continue triggering me I believe. And I believe it’s happening when I sleep and that’s why I can’t stay asleep. I know this and still can’t figure out how to calm down. It’s sad all I want is peace and all the poor little girl who is damaged wants is chaos. I’m two people stuck! I believe the little girl in me needs s safe place and love. I’m giving her both. What else can I do

Honestly not really

Rough times Anita

Literally every memory it feels like. Childhood, ex, mom, cousins, family, school. Every time I ever felt shame. Every fear. Every worry. Replaying over and over. Vividly like it’s happening again!