hi again anita,

I am again curious how I could’ve been good as a child when it seems there are very concrete things that made me difficult and problematic.

For one, I was a VERY picky and anxious about food. I had extreme food aversion and OCD like behaviors. This was difficult for my family and made things socially difficult for me (not eating food at birthday parties or that other parents mare for me)

Also, other kids’ parents complained about me and often did not want me being friends with their children. I am not exactly sure why, but it seems like I likely was just difficult to be friends with..

I also cried a lot, would go to the school nurse for made-up reasons, find ways and excuses to get out of normal school activities.

In some resemblance, these things are still present in my life as an adult.

But something I was thinking recently was that maybe I was not shown or did not experience things that would help me feel more comfortable and confident.

For example, I am always very nervous about eating leftovers from restaurants. Recently I went out to eat with a friend and had leftovers with them, and I was too hesitant to eat any, so I asked my friend if I could be there when they ate the same leftovers so I could see that it was an okay thing to do and likely nothing bad would happen (nothing bad happened). I did this because I thought it would help me get over my nervousness about eating left overs in the future.

Brandy,

Do you know exactly what you said to him that made him feel hurt and mistrust you?

There was a discussion we were having about why I am not as vulnerable in the friendship as he felt like he was being. He was saying he felt like there was a discrepancy in how open he was versus how open I was, and he was upset about me not being comfortable around him yet. And I said that firstly, it takes time for me to open up, and I also gave him some ideas to “open me up” if he wanted to make me feel more comfortable in the friendship. I also said that I usually spend time observing people before I open up to them, so I have a lesser chance of making a mistake in some way. I said that I had observed things in him that made me less likely to feel entirely comfortable around him or interested being more open around him. He asked what I was taking about, and example I gave was one comment he made about one of his sexual partners, where he said he would like to get to know her better but when they are together “her mouth is too full for her to speak”… I think as a joke, but a joke I don’t necessarily care for. Speaking generally, I said “many people would find a comment like that appalling” and tried to explain it that a comment like that does not make me feel safe or comfortable opening up… and that was just the truth of the situation for me.

His response was hurt because I called his comment appalling and he felt like I was secretly judging him and holding it against him. This was complicated for me because I think that judgement is immediate and natural. The joke did not make me dislike him as a person, but just made me think “well now I know I don’t want to ever be sexual with this person if he talks about his partners that way”. But nonetheless, he felt betrayed that I was simultaneously being his friend and also finding his humor of bad taste.

antia,

I have read your replies and I can do what you said and create a more fitting thread. You have said a lot, and I have looked over it a few times and am still looking over it. I can create a new thread with a collection of my thoughts on what you said here.

Oh, that’s good to know and I’m glad.

It was a job that started only a month ago. I was being trained to be a caregiver for 3 mentally disabled non-verbal women all living in one house. From the beginning, I had expressed my concerns about that position being my first position at the company (I felt they were “throwing me into the deep end” given various circumstances). In short, I said I was not prepared to work three 12 hour shifts in a row this weekend and they said “ok, then we don’t need you”.

My friend blocked me essentially because he did not find the difficulty of our friendship worth it. I do not know how much detail to give you on this. Part of it was that he was attracted to me, and I was not attracted to him. There was an instance where he was questioning me on a lot of things through text related to dating and intimacy and his attraction to me, and I turned him down. I do not know how he actually took this, he is poly and has a few partners, and said that it was easy for him to go back to friend-mode. But somewhere in the conversation I said something that he said made him feel hurt and mistrusting of me. He also kept saying I “misunderstood” his intentions. He also said I was reminding him of his “toxic ex”.

From then on out, he said the friendship was up to me and he was going to withdraw. In every attempt at conversation he talked to me like a robot and would say “I have to protect myself from you because I opened up to you and got hurt”. I started by asking what I could do and if we could talk in person to resolve things (I felt there was a lot of room for misunderstanding through text). He never gave me a clear answer on this. For some reason, this was really frustrating to me and I felt like I was being punished repeatedly by him bringing up “you hurt me, I can’t trust you”.  I expressed this and he only said he didn’t understand. He then said “this is a lot of effort I am putting in for someone who is nearly a stranger to me”… and kept saying “I don’t know you at all, what do you want?”… I mean I do not think we are strangers… I have been to his apartment a fair number of times, I know things about him like a friend would know, I met him summer of 2018.

Anywhere, there is more to all of this that is hard to explain but I can do my best if it would be relevant or helpful.  I act in some pretty strange ways sometimes that would give people reason to fire me and also block me.

Brandy,

I think what you say is interesting because I have  have been journaling about my goals (as well as other things) for a while now. I have bought a new journal at the start of each year for the past 4 years… Even just last week I had a couple entries about friendships and work. I am not sure how to do “one thing” each day for goals like this. That being said, I was fired from my job last night and had yet another friend block me today.

I have other goals less related to others and more individual, but I find it difficult to make any progress on them with the feeling of shame. I know I did not respond to Lara, but something she said was something I think about a lot in this context: “Feeling excluded is very tough on social animals like us humans. It’s a cliché but true that thousands of years ago being excluded from a group meant mortal danger and our body still reacts accordingly”

I find being isolated and rejected by others puts me in an extraordinarily self-destructive and depressive state, while in, there is no goal or hobby or interest that I care about.

I tried doing what you said today. I got out a shirt I have been wanting to alter (sewing is one of my interests) and sat at my sewing table. I made 3 marks on the shirt, and within the next few minutes I was sitting on the floor crying. There was nothing in me that cared about that shirt. I could force myself to alter a thousand shirts, but I would still be just as lonely and unwanted at the end of it as when I started. It sounds dramatic, but it is the truth.

hello everyone,

I am sorry, I get to a point with these posts I make where I feel so ashamed of them that it becomes painful to return to them and see what people are saying to me. I feel very stupid and ashamed, and although many of you have been kind and dedicated to responding to me, it is still somehow painful for me to see. I guess I do not like reflecting on how stupid I am, and there is not much anyone can do or say to help me feel differently. I would delete this thread if I could and I am very sorry to you all if I have wasted your time. But also thank you, you all seem to be kind and caring people who want to help and I appreciate that that is present in this forum community.

-Janine

B,

Thank you for all your questions.

What year of college are you in now?

The college sent me a letter rejecting my enrollment this past quarter, but I was about to start my junior year.

Do you have any idea why this new suitemate would treat you this way? What do your instincts tell you?

I did not have good instincts about why. I wondered sometimes if she heard me crying in my room and thought I was a freak or something. Once she was also rude to a guy who had a crush on me (ignored him when he said hi) who stopped by to my room. He said that sometimes girls are jealous and they don’t know how to handle it other than to be mean. I thought it was possible.

What about the other girls in that suite? How did they treat you? Do you consider any of them your friends?

There was really only one girl who was consistently nice to me and liked talking. I felt she had a soft spot for me, and I did my best to be nice to her as well.

What’s your current living situation this school year? Are you living with any of the same girls you lived with in that earlier suite?

I moved out and got an apartment with my boyfriend at the time (but he just moved out and we are no longer together) and so now it is just me.

 

Sorry for all the questions. Last one: How did your peers treat you in elementary, middle, and high school?

I’ve had trouble with my peers since the time I was a toddler (my mom says). Elementary school I often refused to talk to other kids, I was in a support group for students with anger management problems in 4th and 5th grade. I do not want to talk about elementary school very much. In middle school I had one close friend, but all her friends hated me and her mom blamed me for her negative changes in behavior. In high school, I stopped going to school but maintained a friendship with two boys who were very kind to me. One of the boys had a girlfriend who was in inpatient treatment for 4 months, and when she came out she cut off the friendship between me and the boys. After that I got a boyfriend (very troubled boy) and tried to fit into the “alternative” crowd, and feelings on me were mixed. A lot of the similar stuff with people finding me a creep and avoiding me. My boyfriend and I became close with an autistic boy a year older than us and we mostly had fun together.

I hope this answers some questions.