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January 21, 2019 at 10:50 am #275987NobodyParticipant
Thank you for your wise words. I actually discovered before reading this that what you say is right. I started writing and I am able to express myself in writing. So it doesn’t come out as obsessive behavior.
Since that post I have changed so much. I have healed so much.
I grew up without any love. I was mistreated by the people who were supposed to love me. So I never felt love. I became so damage my mind was demented. I was crazy and didn’t know how to express myself. But I met someone that showed me love.
Love is such a powerful thing that over the months it began to heal me. I’ve started to love and feel love for the first time.
Never in my life have I ever been truly happy. I am a changed man. I am a happy and healing man.
Sure I am still developing. But I am making rapid progress. All my effort is towards developing myself and healing.
January 20, 2019 at 12:19 am #275719NobodyParticipantYeah it is. I’m just working on our relationship right now cause I feel like i caused a lot of damage.
I just feel like I need to work on a lot of things and my obsessive behavior is one of them.
January 19, 2019 at 11:43 pm #275715NobodyParticipantThank you. I just looked at this thread now and saw this. I will definitely check out that book you are referring to.
January 14, 2019 at 7:59 pm #274579January 14, 2019 at 6:52 pm #274571NobodyParticipantShe’s been faithful with me. It’s complicated because I’ve been constantly criticizing her for her past and now I feel that I have hurt her. We are in our early 20’s and are very serious with each other.
I just feel like I’ve hurt her and now she is afraid of me.
January 14, 2019 at 6:10 pm #274565NobodyParticipantThank you both for making it clear to me. I love this girl and my idea of some ideal past for a person isn’t realistic and shouldn’t influence my judgment of another. I can accept her past and continue loving her.
Although it’s not that easy. I have already caused the damage of making her feel bad for her past and now I believe I have hurt her. I don’t know if she doesn’t feel comfortable with me or something. But lately things have been complicated since. I don’t know how I can fix this. I’m afraid I’ll lose her.
January 15, 2018 at 9:26 pm #186919NobodyParticipantYou are right. I forget this too much mostly because I never practise it. But I will now.
thank you.
April 27, 2017 at 2:30 am #146929NobodyParticipantThank you for the support. I really do appreciate it.
Right now. As I write. I am not sober. I feel that drugs are the only thing that makes me think clearly. Feel human. Normal.
Here’s the thing. I loved my dad. I never thought I’d ever use the word love but I mean it. But I miss him. I really do. He was my idol. My mentor. He was there for me and he did everything for me. I took him for granted. I only wish he were with me. But he isn’t so there is no point carrying on with this.
The thing I notice is that as I write this honest post I shed tears for the first time. They burn like acid. But they are honest. And that’s what matters. Honesty.
Anyways, anita. I’ve always wanted to ask you but never felt like asking. Why do you call yourself anita? Why not Anita? With a capital “A”? It has always bothered me. Putting anita instead of the proper Anita.
Speaking of honesty, I had another account on this site. Also with a similar name. You were the only one who had a conversation with me on those crazy posts I made. So, you are the only one I feel like an actual friend. Someone I can talk to. Like a normal person. You were the only person that I actually made me feel safe. Perhaps because I don’t know you and you don’t know me.
Maybe that is it. It’s the security of knowing that I’m anonymous. So I feel safe this way. Ha, anyways, I probably should get some sleep. I’m tired.
Goodnight. I look forward to seeing a post from you, anita.
April 26, 2017 at 11:46 am #146837NobodyParticipant@Rose
I appreciate your post but I’m not ready to forgive anyone.I think you might be right. Maybe it’s true that I was taught to ignore and reject myself. And being lonely for so long has been making me insane, with each day more and more insane. I’ve been like this as long as I could remember. I had never had that connection of being close to someone. And it’s hard for me.
I’ve never had a girlfriend because once I feel like a I know too much of them or when things start to escalate to more than just friends I stop talking to her and I disappear from her life.
And same with friends. I end up fighting with friends I make and I usually would try to kill them or something.
Any ways. What do you think I need to do anita. It would be hard for me to do this, but do you think a therapist is a good idea?
April 26, 2017 at 2:20 am #146769NobodyParticipantHonestly, I think I’m actually crazy. I literally lost my mind. Or is it literally because nothing seems real to me. Everything seems subjective. I don’t even know who I am. This make me crazy. I think the fact that I don’t know my own self is what makes me crazy.
Or maybe I have so many mental illnesses. I have a hard time accepting I have any kind of mental illness.
Now that I think about it. I think I’m the liar. I’m my own problem. I’ve been blaming everyone but it’s me who’s to blame. I’m crazy and delusional. I’m just too ignorant to see this. So what am I? Who am I?
I got off topic. I’m saying I’m the liar because I keep telling myself lies. I keep telling myself who I think I am and what I think I want. I tell myself that it’s everyone who is hurting me but no. It’s me.
I’m hurting myself. I’m making myself insane. I mean. I’ve always been insane. But I stayed this way and gotten worse because of me. Shit. It’s a paradox of craziness. I’m crazy because I made myself crazy. And I’m too crazy to accept that I’m crazy. Therefore I won’t seek help. So I stay crazy.
But now I accept that I am crazy. But I’m still crazy? I broke the paradox but I’m still the same! I need to stop.
I have lost my mind. This post is just crazy.
Anita, please help me. I don’t want to be like this. Help me before I convince myself that I do.
April 25, 2017 at 1:11 am #146633NobodyParticipant@Niyata
Thanks for the advice, but it is common advice. So I have thought about it. But unfortunately it does not help.
For the only way I can help with my anger is by causing pain to someone or damage to something. But it’s only temporally.
April 25, 2017 at 1:06 am #146631NobodyParticipant@anita I can’t sleep. So I decided to read over your post and take the time to respond.
I acknowledge that I’m very ignorant. I was ignorant when my father passed because I didn’t want to lose him. I ignored the fact that he was dying. I’m ignorant to everyone’s criticisms.
Any ways, to your post.
It feels like you got most of it right. But some of your observations were off.
I’ll start with my mother. In my childhood, the only memories I have of her is of her neglect. I remember trying to get her attention but she would just ignore me like I’m some kind of ghost. I could never get her attention unless I did something bad such as making messes by tearing up stuffed animals or getting in fights with my brother. At times these fights were very serious.
But for some reason I was always to blame. Always the one getting in trouble. Not to mention I am a middle child. My brothers got everything new while I got hand me downs. I never really got along with them often either. Of course there were times we did get along. But I don’t remember much of those.
Then I went to live with my father.
After the childhood part of my life and I came into adulthood, I moved back with my mother for a change I guess. But then I ended up just fighting with her. I tried to talk to her about how I feel. She’d just say she had worse and make everything about her. So I got mad and told her I’d never talk to her when I’m living on my own. Well, I haven’t talked to her since because she got mad and said that she won’t contribute anything for me ever again, calling me ungrateful.
I’m alone because I don’t have anyone with me that I can talk to. That I feel safe around. I have nobody that I can talk about feelings to.
Now to the part about how I feel that I need to cause damage to everyone around me. This is just how I feel because I feel like it’s revenge. Since it seems to me that everyone around me has hurt me. And wants to hurt me, driving me to the ground. They want me dead.
But most my anger is towards my mother. I feel like she’s the primary reason for my problems. Like she’s going out of her way to ruin me.
I want to apologize for this cluttered way of writing. It’s hard for me to put things clearly. So far this is the best I can do.
I’m really hoping that you can help me, anita.
April 24, 2017 at 10:35 pm #146607NobodyParticipant@Anita, I need help with control. I think.
I lose control of myself every so often just like I did when I wrote this thread. Right now, I feel a little better but that’s because I lost control… bad. I was at a friends apartment because I decided that maybe I should go out more and socialize. But that was a terrible idea. I don’t know what happened to be honest, but I lost control. I blacked out and I pulled a knife on my friend, putting it against his neck. I wanted to slit his neck so bad. My other friend who was with us at the time showed me the video of what happened. I saw this but I don’t remember very well. I just felt tense.
But this isn’t the first time I tried to kill someone like this. It’s getting worse though. Like closer and closer to actually committing the deed.
I’m scared now. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what’s going to come. Maybe he’s going to try to press charges on me or something. I don’t know…
Sorry, I haven’t used the time to let you know my thoughts on your post, for all this drama has left me a bit shaken. But this is the worst of me. I really am psychopathic. It’s not where I want to be though. I want to be in control. Not my anger.
Reply as soon as you can, please.
Thanks.
April 23, 2017 at 10:51 pm #146397NobodyParticipantHaha maybe I’m the only one here that can fucking help.
Help my fucking self.
Let’s start with a formal letter.
Dear, Mr Fucking Nobody:
You are a impatient mother fucker. Shouldn’t you just go live your insane fucking life instead of asking for help that you’ll never get. You crazy fuck.
Maybe, I was too harsh. Here I’ll make it up to you by expressing what I think.
Death seems peaceful. But of course you’re not suicidal. Of course you feel that by choosing death you are letting all these fuckers succeed over your dead body.
That is not what you want. You want to cause as much pain to all of them before you go. You have to cause damage before you leave. Because of what they have done to you. I mean look at you. You’re a fucking mess held together by silly string. What the fuck does that even mean hahahahaha. I’m pretty funny.
Any ways, back to the point. I understand that you can’t connect to anyone. No matter what. This, I do not understand though. Since I never felt connected to anyone. Or have I? Maybe you don’t feel connected to people. Maybe it’s all in your head. It’s not real.
But is any of this REAL?
Ha! What even is real? Every thing is just a bunch of bullshit lies tied together (by silly string ahhahaa) creating your view of the world.
It actually hurts to laugh. So I’m going to end it short.
Sincerely,
Mr Fucking Nobody.
April 23, 2017 at 10:29 pm #146395NobodyParticipantSometimes I feel like I don’t want to change.
Maybe it’s that I’m just too comfortable with myself.
Maybe, maybe I’m the one who’s just the same as everyone else.
Just fucked up like every person on this site. I probably sound the same as them too. With such a fucked up head, I should be in a god damn loony bin along with all these other fuck nuts.
And then there’s Anita. Never seems to give up on trying to help people. The only person on this site that I see consistently replying to every thread in every category to possibly guide people or to listen to them. I don’t know how someone can dedicate so much of their time to dealing with these insane fucks. Or maybe Anita is just as crazy as the rest of us and by helping these people she feels she is helping herself?
Ha! What even am I saying. Where is this Anita, why isn’t she here already telling me I’m all okay and that I just need to meditate, learn the ways of the buddha and I will be okay. All okay hahaa
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