Nobody-

You wrote about your girlfriend: “I believe her when she tells me she loves me. But is it worth it?” – yes, it is worth it for you. Hold on to that love she has for you, value it, treasure it. Let it in.

“I’ve been constantly criticizing her for her past”, you wrote.

Let’s look at your past from previous threads on record here: “I killed so many animals growing up because it’s the only thing that makes the feeling go away. And now I’m afraid I’m going to kill someone. I almost did multiple times”.

“I was at a friends apartment because I decided that maybe I should go out more and socialize. But that was a terrible idea. I don’t know what happened to be honest, but I lost control. I blacked out and I pulled a knife on my friend, putting it against his neck. I wanted to slit his neck so bad”.

In comparison, your girlfriend’s past doesn’t seem so bad. Forgive her, let her love into you, let it dissolve bit by bit that anger in you.

When I read in the past about your murderous rage, killing animals and about to kill humans too, I was alarmed and scared so deeply. I contacted whom I was able to contact to see if there is a way for the police to locate you, wherever you may be, to read what you wrote and to take you away, lock you in some facility and protect humans and other animals from you. My efforts bore no fruit whatsoever. Maybe someone reading this very post has an idea, how to protect society from you.

This is why I didn’t put “dear” in front of your name. You scare me too much to allow any kind of affection toward you, even the bit in the word dear.

You wrote about that knife incident, 2017: “this isn’t the first time I tried to kill someone like this. It’s getting worse though. Like closer and closer to actually committing the deed”

The scary reality is that there are plenty young people like you, some find their story in those True Crime genre, many ending up in prisons, forever shackled, inflicting violence on other prisoners or experiencing violence from them, whomever is stronger, more threatening is on top.

I hear a voice in my mind, of a reader saying: oh, he is making this up, a teenage/young person look-at-me-look-how-scary-I am. But I look at what you shared and it is quite convincing, that your stories may very well be true:

“It feels awkward and fake for me to try to be nice to anyone. I just feel a deep hatred towards every person I meet… I can never get close to anyone, everyone is the same. They’re all the same… I don’t feel anything except anger and fear. Those two emotions seem like they dominate me. I’m just so damn angry, but I have no idea why. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. My mind is too cluttered to see myself… Am I crazy? Or just plain evil? I’ve been called a lot of names..  psychopath, manic. I don’t believe I’m any of these. I feel like it’s the other way around. That everyone is a sociopathic maniac piece of sh*&. Not me”

“I’m a logical person. I never let emotions control me. Except for my anger. That I have no control over… So I isolate myself. But after awhile I get lonely. its hard to completely isolate yourself. I killed so many animals growing up because it’s the only thing that makes the feeling go away. And now I’m afraid I’m going to kill someone… Like some kind of animal in me is controlling me and I have to try so hard to take control… I am so alone. I am destroying everything in my way. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m losing my mind. Or maybe I already lost it. I feel like I just need to kill someone to feel sane again. But I don’t want anyone to find out and think I’m a monster”.

-If there was a way for me to locate you, if there is a way for anyone reading this to locate you and protect society from you, I am all for it, of course.

You wrote that you believe your girlfriend loves you. If it is true, if you do feel that she loves you, this is a very, very encouraging development. Hold on to her love, let it seep in, let it calm that monster in you, the monster you mentioned.

There are plenty of monsters in  our world, unfortunately. Some are in high political positions, having sent I am guessing hundreds of thousands of men to die in wars that didn’t have to be fought. Many are in prisons right now, sexual slaves of older prisoners, day in and day out. It is interesting, how the same people so callous about ending other people’s lives, will do anything and everything to keep themselves alive.

This is a very ugly world we live in. Better find refuge in the pockets of beauty that are available for us, pockets of sanity, of sensibility, of honesty and kindness.

There is hope in me, as I write this, that you will abandon your murderous plans, that you will do all that you can to be a good person, not a bad person. That you will not be accommodate people who mistreated you or mistreat you, but that at the same time,  you will do-no-harm to others, not anymore.

One more thing. Your agreeable replies to members who answered you, the thank-you-will-do-what-you-suggested replies, those were fake.

anita

Anyone-

I would like very much to believe this is true.

Be good to your girlfriend, help her and let her help you get healthier and healthier. Do-no-harm to others, be it humans or other animals.

anita