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Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
I would say, yes and no. Prior to the breakup, I’ve already had that in mind, to discover myself more and focus on self-development. I’ll have to admit that part of me was hoping us to get back in future. But it is not 100% of the aim of me develop myself.
Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
We both agreed the relationship was ended for good. I knew this relationship will end nonetheless. We need more alone time to grow and to discover ourselves. We wanted to remain as friends, even if he talks to me today wanting me to get back, I wouldn’t agree on it.
I’m looking forward to focussing on my self-development, there are lots of works for me to fix myself in becoming a better person. He has his plan too. We’ve talked about it during our previous meet-up, he says he will remain single for a long period, he will be focusing on learning a new language (Japanese) and in hope to find a Japanese girlfriend in future (I’m not sure why specifically he wanted a Japanese gf tho, and how big is the possibility he could get one in future). I’ve stopped contacting him once, it lasted for a few days, and he contacted me and said he understands how I’m feeling, but he hoped we could still be friends once I’ve settled down.
Our current situation: We seldom chat, every night he would invite me for a short gaming session (we had the habit of video call and playing multiplayer game every night prior to breaking up) and that’s it.
Even I have no intention in getting back with him now, I still secretly hope it will happen in future, one day when both of us has become more mature and ready to settle down. Deep down I felt that he still likes the version of me when he first met, the happy and energetic me. I’ve become more and more negative in this two years (thus the breakup), I wonder if I’m able to find back myself again (the positive me), will the dynamic between us changes for the better.
Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
The thought of ending contact with him frightened me. We had been friends of 3 years before starting the relationship, and we have been the best friend while in the relationship. I had the thought of breaking up because sometimes I’ve confused my feeling towards him are like a romantic partner or a best friend. End contact means I will lose a best friend forever, which I believe I would regret it soon.
Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
You are right, I shouldn’t place myself in a position who depend on his decision. Guess the best way to go is focus on living my life while maintaining minimal contact with him.
Actually, while in the relationship, there was a countless time when I thought of breaking up, to be exact I had this thought since 2 years ago. I wasn’t satisfied in this relationship most of the time without knowing exactly why, maybe due to the communication between us. I’ve asked a close friend about the idea of breaking up and she disagrees with it, saying that my ex is a good guy and I shouldn’t let go of him. My parents liked him for his good personality too. So I’ve been convincing myself to stay with him, the thought of breaking up with him was still in me, I was getting more exhausted staying in this relationship. I guess this is when I was getting more impatient and sometimes being rude to him.
Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita,
I will not be working in the same company with him, but yes we were planning on going backpack trip and attending music concert together. Does that mean he just wanted my accompaniment without having me to be his girlfriend? Earlier while we were still in the relationship, he mentioned sometimes he wanted to be single while in a relationship, yet he wanted to be in a relationship while he was single. If that is the case, should I remain the ‘friendship’ with him until he makes up his mind to get back together with me, or should I just stop contacting him anymore?
I was hoping to get close with him until the spark and attraction between us is lighten again, do you think this is a good plan? Or should I just give up and move on.
Notebookb6ParticipantUpdate:
4 October 2018
I went abroad to the country I will be working on to sign on my new job offer letter, which is where my ex is currently working too. We met up for dinner and a movie that night, I was uplifted and happy seeing him, I told him I think breaking up would be good for us, it gave us time for self-development and for reflection. I told him about my plan to go solo backpacking in near future. He said I could invite him to tag along for the backpacking too. I told him I’ll be attending a music concert with a friend, and he said next time when I’m going for another I could invite him over too. After I came back to my country, he helped me to look for a rental room for me to stay when I move over to the country. He offered help and suggesting us going trip together, does that mean he still has a feeling for me? However one week ago when I was crying and asking him to get back together, he said I’m not the one he is going to marry. However, his action of helping me seems contrary to what he has said one week ago.
7 October 2018
I attended a friend’s wedding ceremony today, all I could think of is my ex. I imagined our childhood photos projected on the screen, I imagined us exchanging ring in front of everyone… Everything still felt surreal that we are no longer together. I thought I’ve slowly moved on, after attending the wedding ceremony, I’ve missed him so badly. I pass by the city where he grew up, I reminisce about him bringing me to his primary school and describe how he used to be when he was a kid, us holding hands and hang out in his neighborhood, there are so many memories flowing out today. I couldn’t handle it all I could do is go home and have a good cry. I missed him so much, all I wanted is getting back together with him.Notebookb6ParticipantHow fortunate am I to be able to talk to someone like you during my down moment. There is very rare to find someone genuinely willing to help and read through every sentence. I’m glad to know you Anita and I will continuously post here to update on my progress.
Notebookb6Participant“If you believe it is so, then you won’t judge your crushes as an indication of a bad character.”
This is what I needed to know, I focused too much on my behaviour without understanding the reason underneath, which causes anxiety.
I have good news today, I’ve finally got the job I wanted and will be moving out from home and working abroad probably in 2 weeks time. I believe having new experiences in a new environment helps me to grow and helps in self-development, its also a good chance for me to practice self-love by living alone without depending on someone.
Notebookb6Participant“EAR, which stands for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect.”
Thank you for the words, could you elaborate more on Assertive? Does it mean to take initiative to contact them?
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Speaking on friendships problem which I’m trying to solve, there is been a long time since I didn’t take initiative in maintaining friendships with my friends even I like them due to some reason :
1. social anxiety
2. fear of being judged
3. fear of betrayalThere is one time my favourite group of friends organized an annual party at one of their house, I wanted to go so badly but I turned down the invitation by some excuses. I worried about being awkward at there and my anxiety could happen (blushed face, hand shaking). In the end, I stayed alone at home and feel sad for didn’t join the party. I know they are good people but my mind would constantly imagine of these negative situation.
Besides, I have the tendency of confusing about good friends and romantic crush. I easily have a crush on opposite-sex friends when we are getting closer, which this has happened few times while I’m in a relationship with ex. I had a good friend of opposite-sex who we get along well after some time passes, I would imagine myself together with him in a relationship, then I questioned myself if I’m having crush on him, and I will feel guilty when the answer is yes, and when I’m guilty I would have anxiety. How to stop these vicious cycle which happens more than once?
Besides easily develop crush on friends/coworkers, I also noticed that I like to compare myself with other female coworkers. I would get jealous if other females are doing better jobs than me, more popular than me among friends, I would get jealous if one of the females became good friends with my guy good friend too. I know this is wrong and unhealthy, this pattern has formed for a long time without me noticing until the recent year. What should I do to fix it?
Notebookb6ParticipantGlad to know there is still chance. And I understand its important for me to resolve my issues before getting back with him, I will work on myself first. Meanwhile, both of us agreed that the breakup is good for us. Also, we both wanted to live single life for some period. Guess I will remain as a friend with him until one day when both of us are ready again.
Notebookb6Participant“Insight into distressing childhood/ ongoing relationships with your parents, and changing those relationships in the present, are necessary to finding that “key to happiness”.”
I will try to work on that.
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“People often smile when feeling awkward, or helpless, not knowing what to say or do.”
I understand. Probably he was trying to be nice to me.
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I just had a chat with my ex just now, we talked about the breakup. He still wants us to be friends. He says our relationship lack of the following:
1. Be comfortable with each other
2. Accept each other weakness
3. Support each otherOur relationship was lacking in this element, what if I’ve already found out the reason and work hard on it (fix my negative attitude, care for him, positive thought ), do you think we might be back together in future?
Notebookb6Participant“you can’t make it your attitude because this attitude was formed in his brain during the years of his childhood and yours was formed in your brain during the years of your childhood”
Ah which mean I still have to figure out my key to happiness then?
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Usually his reaction would be the same if it didn’t trouble him much. Actually most of the time I complained about my unsatisfied life (which was not direct towards him). Not everytime he would smile, but most of the time he just kind of chill. I remembered there was 1 or 2 times (about 3 years agwere was saying about him being not good enough and he went really mad. I felt sorry and we talked this over after that.
“How often did you complain to him and what were the first complaints about?”
Not too often I think it would be once a week or so.
Notebookb6ParticipantThank you. It takes time but I think the best for me is to focus on my self-development, as I still feel like a child at the age of 26. I’ve figured that having friends makes me happy, at least I felt happy the most when I had connections with friends. I felt misery in the past 2 years, one of the reason could be me lacking of friends (my bestie ignored me, and my close colleague left the office, basically I have no best friend except my ex)
I would not mind if you ask more question, while having the Q&A session I’ve actually gained more insights on how my past affects my present.
Actually I have a lot more to tell you about myself, there are things that I’m yet to figure out. I really appreciate that you take time and read my words.
About my anger towards my ex, it was actually small things like:
1. He doesn’t understand me (he always smile when I complain to him and I thought he doesn’t understand me)
2. or he didn’t give me the answer I wanted (for a long time I’ve been searching for the meaning of life, when I asked him the question he would give me simple answer which I don’t satisfied with it)
3. When I told him I’m sad and asked him how to be happy, he would answer me “don’t be sad” which I find it not a solution.
4. Overall I thought we couldn’t connect because he gave me “shallow” answer when I asked him.
5. I also always compare him with other friendsBut after I reflect, I found that his happy go lucky attitude towards life is the key to happiness. While I’ve been dwelling in search for meaning of life and compete with people around me, I’ve become more and more miserable in the recent 2 years.
Notebookb6ParticipantI didn’t try to organize/clean the room, I didn’t clean the house either, I only organize my room.
Of the methods I’ve tried to make them happy, to be honest I didn’t do much. Here is the list:
1 . Every month when salary is out, I would bring my parents for a dinner
2. Every month I would bank in some money to them.
Notebookb6ParticipantI have to admit I always felt guilty when seeing parents not able to enjoy their life. I always think that it’s my duty to have more income and give them financial support. And yes, seeing my mother being unhappy affected me a lot, and seeing my parent’s room is messy all the time makes me feel sick (for me a cleanliness of a house kind of reflect the happiness of the family).it is also one of the reasons I wanted to leave the house and to stay alone. I wanted to escape.
While being with ex’s family, I don’t feel guilty or disloyal to my parents, as my parents were happy seeing me with my ex too.
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