Home→Forums→Relationships→Dwelling on regrets since breakup
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October 7, 2018 at 6:32 pm #229631
Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
You are right, I shouldn’t place myself in a position who depend on his decision. Guess the best way to go is focus on living my life while maintaining minimal contact with him.
Actually, while in the relationship, there was a countless time when I thought of breaking up, to be exact I had this thought since 2 years ago. I wasn’t satisfied in this relationship most of the time without knowing exactly why, maybe due to the communication between us. I’ve asked a close friend about the idea of breaking up and she disagrees with it, saying that my ex is a good guy and I shouldn’t let go of him. My parents liked him for his good personality too. So I’ve been convincing myself to stay with him, the thought of breaking up with him was still in me, I was getting more exhausted staying in this relationship. I guess this is when I was getting more impatient and sometimes being rude to him.
October 8, 2018 at 10:44 am #229769
AnonymousGuestDear Notebookb6:
Why not end contact with him altogether? It exhausts you to have contact with him, not a good thing. If your friend and your parents are for continuing contact with him, they can choose to have a relationship of some kind with him.. or suggest such to him. You don’t have to be in contact with him for their sake.
In other words, they have the right to choose the people in their lives. They don’t have the right to choose the people in your life.
anita
October 8, 2018 at 8:03 pm #229865Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
The thought of ending contact with him frightened me. We had been friends of 3 years before starting the relationship, and we have been the best friend while in the relationship. I had the thought of breaking up because sometimes I’ve confused my feeling towards him are like a romantic partner or a best friend. End contact means I will lose a best friend forever, which I believe I would regret it soon.
October 9, 2018 at 6:05 am #229939AnonymousGuestDear Notebookb6:
Your relationship with him changed over time and now, it is different from what it was in the first three years, and from what it became during the romantic part of the relationship, then there was a breakup and now, some other, undefined current relationship.
Got to evaluate the current state of the relationship and decide whether it is now working for you or against you. The evaluation needs to be based on the current relationship, what it had become and is becoming, not on what it was.
I wonder what it is becoming. I hope it is not becoming the auditioning I mentioned before, that will exhaust you. I hope it is becoming very honest, on his side as well. Ask him questions, here and there, learn his current motivations, what he feels, what he wants. As well as what motivates you, what you feel, what you want.
Is there a meeting of the minds, is the question.
anita
October 9, 2018 at 6:33 am #229947Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
We both agreed the relationship was ended for good. I knew this relationship will end nonetheless. We need more alone time to grow and to discover ourselves. We wanted to remain as friends, even if he talks to me today wanting me to get back, I wouldn’t agree on it.
I’m looking forward to focussing on my self-development, there are lots of works for me to fix myself in becoming a better person. He has his plan too. We’ve talked about it during our previous meet-up, he says he will remain single for a long period, he will be focusing on learning a new language (Japanese) and in hope to find a Japanese girlfriend in future (I’m not sure why specifically he wanted a Japanese gf tho, and how big is the possibility he could get one in future). I’ve stopped contacting him once, it lasted for a few days, and he contacted me and said he understands how I’m feeling, but he hoped we could still be friends once I’ve settled down.
Our current situation: We seldom chat, every night he would invite me for a short gaming session (we had the habit of video call and playing multiplayer game every night prior to breaking up) and that’s it.
Even I have no intention in getting back with him now, I still secretly hope it will happen in future, one day when both of us has become more mature and ready to settle down. Deep down I felt that he still likes the version of me when he first met, the happy and energetic me. I’ve become more and more negative in this two years (thus the breakup), I wonder if I’m able to find back myself again (the positive me), will the dynamic between us changes for the better.
October 9, 2018 at 7:13 am #229953AnonymousGuestDear Notebookb6:
“I’m lookin forward to focusing on my self-development, there are lots of works for me to fix myself in becoming a better person”-
Is your aim to develop yourself into the positive person you were so that he will want you again as a girlfriend? I ask following reading this sentence: “Deep down I felt that he still likes the version of me when he first met, the happy and energetic me… I wonder if I’m able to find back myself again (the positive me)”
anita
October 9, 2018 at 7:34 am #229963Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
I would say, yes and no. Prior to the breakup, I’ve already had that in mind, to discover myself more and focus on self-development. I’ll have to admit that part of me was hoping us to get back in future. But it is not 100% of the aim of me develop myself.
October 9, 2018 at 8:15 am #229975AnonymousGuestDear Notebookb6:
I understand. I do hope you proceed and succeed in developing yourself. It is an exciting process, as I understand it. I didn’t think of it at the time as self development, when I was 24 or so. I thought of it as a quest, much intrigued by a movie I watched at the time, The Never Ending Story. It is about a quest, very symbolic of a personal quest to .. develop oneself, I suppose. I hope you share here about this process as you proceed.
anita
October 9, 2018 at 10:29 am #229995Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita
Alright will update you as soon I have any progress.
October 9, 2018 at 10:59 am #229999AnonymousGuestI will be looking forward to your update, notebookb6.
anita
October 31, 2018 at 6:57 am #234673Notebookb6ParticipantUpdates
Dear anita,
I’ve just moved to a new country and I’m starting a new job tomorrow. It seems like life is getting more exciting after leaving from home and starting a new life over here. I’m grateful to be able to find a room with cheaper rental and good environment.
It’s been 1 and half month since the break-up. I still miss my ex but I’m getting better in controlling my emotion. Recently I picked up a book “The Power of Now” and it really helps me in gaining insight into being in joy.
October 31, 2018 at 9:04 am #234729AnonymousGuestDear Notebookb6:
A delightful update! You said you will post an update and you did. I like it very much when a person keeps her word, thank you.
anita
November 1, 2018 at 5:48 am #234931Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita,
It feels good when knowing someone out there who is willing to listen to me, especially when I’m alone in a different country. So thank you for being a good listener anita. Living here makes me feel more lonely, I think I’m starting to get homesick. I miss my ex more during this time too, we used to catch up on each other every night but now when I wanted to share anything he is not there for me anymore. I miss him so..so.. much.
I started my new job today, it was good. Bosses and colleagues are friendly, I hope I’m able to catch up on the job scope very soon. Hope everything will be fine the day onwards.
November 1, 2018 at 6:04 am #234937AnonymousGuestDear Notebookb6:
I am here, listening (reading, that is). You miss closeness with others, the idea of closeness, at the least. We are all People who Need People (there is a song that states that). You have the opportunity, if you are patient and can endure the loneliness for now, to form a good relationship, or plural, relationships with people in this new country.
anita
November 1, 2018 at 6:45 am #234943Notebookb6ParticipantDear anita,
Yes, I miss closeness with other, I even CRAVE for it 🙁 But sometimes when I’m with someone for too long it felt exhausted and I wanted to be alone. So contradicting isn’t it?
But it will be ok as I’m heading back home this weekends (I’m just beside home country so can go back more often)
As you said, hope I’m able to endure the loneliness for now, and eventually new relationship with people will be formed.
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