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Dwelling on regrets since breakup

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 75 total)
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  • #228307
    Notebookb6
    Participant

    @anita

    While having a relationship issue I was having self-development issue at the same time. Staying with my overprotective parents has limited my growth in becoming an independent adult (I’m still relying on them when encountering issues, and staying with parents has limited my choices such as getting a car, I still don’t know to drive at the age of 26 because dad stops me from driving). There is a lack of bonding between my family members. I only talked to my brother about once/twice a year and my parents are constantly working hard to earn more money, they have a mindset of money is everything and didn’t emphasize in family bonding or happiness. Overall I’m not satisfied with my relationship with family as well.

    To reply with your question, no I haven’t moved out yet, but I’m moving soon probably this month.

    #228359
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Notebookb6:

    You wrote: “There is a lack of bonding between my family members… they (parents) have a mindset of money is everything and didn’t emphasize in family bonding”- a child needs bonding as desperately as needing food. Naturally the child reaches out to the parent/s for that bonding. The fact that you didn’t experience bonding with your parents means that they rejected your reaching out to them. You tried and tried and were rejected. A child being repeatedly rejected this way feels alone, anxious and angry.

    The anger is visible in your description of the relationship you regret, in that “bad attitude”, you mentioned.

    I was wondering about a sentence you wrote earlier regarding your ex boyfriend: “I didn’t reflect myself on behavior at that time, because he didn’t show much emotion and didn’t get mad at me when I did that”- you mean that you were rude to him but he didn’t express any hurt or anger at you (?) so you didn’t know that it bothered him, you thought he didn’t mind you being rude to him?

    anita

    #228361
    Notebookb6
    Participant

    @anita

    I remembered during childhood my mother loved me to the point of spoiling me. I received most of the thing that I wanted and I would get mad if things didn’t go my way. The bonding between family member was good when I was young. Until when I’m at about the age of 13, both my brothers move out for their university life, while I was having a rebellious period in my high school, I argued with mom a lot and slowly our relationship wasn’t as good as younger time (no more hugs and words like I love you), both of my brothers have their independent life since then.

    About the sentence, sometimes I was rude to him but it seemed it didn’t bothered him, he is the happy go lucky type of person, when I was unhappy (which happen most of the time) he would smile at me and cheer me up.

    #228365
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Notebookb6:

    I ask so to learn, so to understand better. You wrote: “I received most of the thing that I wanted and I would get mad if things didn’t go my way”.

    1. By “most of the thing that I wanted”, you mean material things like toys and clothes?

    2. What was your behavior when you got “mad if things didn’t go my way”? (an example will help)

    3. Will you tell me more about that “rebellious period” in high school, what was the interactions between you and your parents during that time, how was it different from before?

    anita

     

     

     

    #228367
    Notebookb6
    Participant

    @anita

    1. It was material things like toys and clothes. One case was I wanted a cuckoo clock so badly but it was expensive my parents couldn’t afford it, so I cry loudly in front of the shop and people was looking at me.

    2. I remembered one day they brought me to look for my birthday present, I couldn’t find what I wanted and I got angry, I was quiet while on the way home (complained a little too like one sentence word)

    3. When I was younger I would show my appreciation to mom, saying words like I love you, and hug her when I wanted to. During the rebellious period in high school, my mom scolded and nagged me if I’m not doing my homework, or being lazy. And I would fight back just for the sake of it. Mom expected me to get good grades, so she sent me for tuition classes for most of the subjects. My student life was full of study and tuition, I wasn’t happy about that. Also during my high school period, my personality slowly changed to more introvert and conservative type due to some unhappy incident.

    #228371
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Notebookb6:

    If all we needed in life was material things then there wouldn’t be millions of people who are wealthy and yet depressed and on anti depressants. If that was all people needed, extremely wealthy international movie stars will not prefer, as they did, to no longer live the lives they had where all material possessions were available to them.

    Clearly, there was something you needed but didn’t get from your parents. Not having that one thing you wanted more and  more of what they did offer you, material things.

    That thing they didn’t give you is something like this, imagine it if you will: your mother takes the young you to her, have you sit on her lap as she looks in your eyes. She smiles as she looks at you, and you know that she is happy that you are in her life. You can see that she likes you. You don’t feel weird in any way, unacceptable in any way. You feel okay because your mother approves. She sees you and she is totally okay with who you are.

    What do you think/feel?

    anita

    #228373
    Notebookb6
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you for the insight. While growing up I’ve realised the importance of love instead of material things. And all of the love I could get was from my ex. During this 5 years I rely on him too much for emotional comfort, and so when he left me, I felt empty and depressed. About my ex’s family, he’s having a family that I envy. Both of his parents are friendly and warm, and his family has strong bonding too they have family day every week. I felt so happy while with him when I got to join them for their family dinner or Christmas celebration.

    While imagining of the scene, tears falling down my face. I wish my mother treated me that way. Maybe she did but now at home I seldom see her smile. She looked worried most the time, she seldom laugh or smile, but she is always kind to me and care for me. Just that I’m not satisfied in this family seeing parents not enjoying their life to the fullest due to our financial status.

     

    #228379
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Notebookb6:

    You needed then and you need now to see your parents happy, and you needed to see them happy with you being in their lives. Is it true to you as it was for me, that you don’t allow yourself to be happy, feeling guilty or not deserving to be happy until your parents are happy first?

    You wrote earlier about your ex boyfriend: “he is the happy go lucky type of person, when I was unhappy (which happen most of the time)” and in your recent post you suggested that his parents are happy people. Did you feel guilty or disloyal to your parents by being happy with them all, feeling you were betraying your parents?

    anita

    #228383
    Notebookb6
    Participant

    @anita

    I have to admit I always felt guilty when seeing parents not able to enjoy their life. I always think that it’s my duty to have more income and give them financial support. And yes, seeing my mother being unhappy affected me a lot, and seeing my parent’s room is messy all the time makes me feel sick (for me a cleanliness of a house kind of reflect the happiness of the family).it is also one of the reasons I wanted to leave the house and to stay alone. I wanted to escape.

    While being with ex’s family, I don’t feel guilty or disloyal to my parents, as my parents were happy seeing me with my ex too.

    #228387
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Notebook:

    When you see your parents’ room being messy, or the home being messy, do you organize/ clean it? I wonder how you tried so far in your life to make them happy, can you list the ways you tried?

    anita

    #228389
    Notebookb6
    Participant

    @anita

    I didn’t try to organize/clean the room, I didn’t clean the house either, I only organize my room.

    Of the methods I’ve tried to make them happy, to be honest I didn’t do much. Here is the list:

    1 . Every month when salary is out, I would bring my parents for a dinner

    2. Every month I would bank in some money to them.

    #228391
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Notebook:

    This pain of seeing your parents are not happy, it is a kind of pain you have to live with. I too thought that if my mother had more money, if I could make her wealthy, then she would be happy. I was never able to do that for her, to give her the life she envied, one of material luxury. Not even close. But what I have learned is that it wouldn’t have made her happy even if I did. Money and luxury gives pleasure here and there but misery from early life experiences, that doesn’t disappear when money and luxury appears.

    That misery will come to the surface in any context.

    Basically, there is nothing you can do about your parents’ unhappiness. Best you can do is make a better life for yourself, figuring out what will make you content, if not happy. Figure out what you need to be content, or happy. And then live that life.

    I can ask you more questions, but I don’t want to turn your thread to a questions/answers thread. Do add anything you want to post, anything relevant to what troubles you. Maybe about your anger that you felt and expressed to your boyfriend at the time, what that was about.

    anita

    #228395
    Notebookb6
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you. It takes time but I think the best for me is to focus on my self-development, as I still feel like a child at the age of 26. I’ve figured that having friends makes me happy, at least I felt happy the most when I had connections with friends. I felt misery in the past 2 years, one of the reason could be me lacking of friends (my bestie ignored me, and my close colleague left the office, basically I have no best friend except my ex)

    I would not mind if you ask more question, while having the Q&A session I’ve actually gained more insights on how my past affects my present.

    Actually I have a lot more to tell you about myself, there are things that I’m yet to figure out. I really appreciate that you take time and read my words.

    About my anger towards my ex, it was actually small things like:
    1. He doesn’t understand me (he always smile when I complain to him and I thought he doesn’t understand me)
    2. or he didn’t give me the answer I wanted (for a long time I’ve been searching for the meaning of life, when I asked him the question he would give me simple answer which I don’t satisfied with it)
    3. When I told him I’m sad and asked him how to be happy, he would answer me “don’t be sad” which I find it not a solution.
    4. Overall I thought we couldn’t connect because he gave me “shallow” answer when I asked him.
    5. I also always compare him with other friends

    But after I reflect, I found that his happy go lucky attitude towards life is the key to happiness. While I’ve been dwelling in search for meaning of life and compete with people around me, I’ve become more and more miserable in the recent 2 years.

     

    #228411
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Notebookb6:

    If you are okay with being asked lots of question, then I am okay with asking you more.

    You wrote, “he didn’t give me the answers … I’ve been searching for the meaning of life”- I don’t think he had answers to give you. “(I) asked him how to be happy, he would answer me ‘don’t be sad’ which I find it not a solution”- he didn’t have a better answer nor a solution to give you.

    You wrote, “I found that his happy go lucky attitude towards life is the key to happiness”- but you can’t make it your attitude because this attitude was formed in his brain during the years of his childhood and yours was formed in your brain during the years of your childhood. It takes years for an adult to significantly change the mapping of one’s brain.

    When you complained to him, he smiled, you wrote. Did he react that way from the very beginning or was it after months or years of you complaining?

    How often did you complain to him and what were the first complaints about?

    anita

     

    #228425
    Notebookb6
    Participant

    @anita

    “you can’t make it your attitude because this attitude was formed in his brain during the years of his childhood and yours was formed in your brain during the years of your childhood”

    Ah which mean I still have to figure out my key to happiness then?

    Usually his reaction would be the same if it didn’t trouble him much. Actually most of the time I complained about my unsatisfied life (which was not direct towards him). Not everytime he would smile, but most of the time he just kind of chill. I remembered there was 1 or 2 times (about 3 years agwere was saying about him being not good enough and he went really mad. I felt sorry and we talked this over after that.

     

    “How often did you complain to him and what were the first complaints about?”

    Not too often I think it would be once a week or so.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 75 total)

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