Thank you, it has taken alot of work on my part with regards to my son, in how I was addressing the situation. Less questioning has led to more understanding.

Yes, my being definate happened around mid February. Having reached a point of familiarisation of one another e.g. short life history etc.. I began to notice that when in conversation he shuts the conversation down if the subject matter isn’t of interest to him.. which frequently means him saying.. ‘right that’s enough of that subject, let’s talk about something else’.. yet when talking about subject matter of his own, conversation flows until he’s exhausted it. So I feel like I’ve not got anything useful to talk about.. some closed down subjects such as when talking about children (he doesn’t have children) the shut down response was ‘well that’s enough about that they’re mostly all brats anyway’.. and when talking about mental health/therapy (he asked how my boys were).. ‘well Psychology, counselling and all that, it’s all a bunch of codswallop, they don’t know what they’re talking about. Your son is just going through a phase like all teenagers’.. These are the two that have stuck in my mind.

And then things like.. I was talking about something daft I’d done during the week and he said ‘that was a bit silly, it’s just as well I like you’. I respond that yes it was a clumsy thing to do, and he looked at me and said ‘no, your supposed to say, well I like you too’, to which I didn’t respond and he said in a mock hurt way ‘she doesn’t like me’.

A text message asking how my day had been to which I responded it had been nice and I’d been doing some gardening, and I asked how his day was.. his reply was ‘its nice to be wanted!’, to which I could see no relation to the response I’d sent, so I sent back ‘?’ then he replied, ‘you run a taxi service’.. I wasn’t sure where this was going so I asked ‘I run a taxi service?’, and he said ‘you run mums taxi’. He then messaged with ‘same shit different day’ and asked my plans over the weekend which I relayed back, and asked what he was going to do over the weekend. His response was ‘tart the house up a bit, tank modelling, TV, and elevating feet.. open to suggestions after that?’.

It feels like he’s trying to pressure me to invite him to meet up, he’s not once asked if I’d like to go for a walk/cuppa etc despite my saying way back, ‘you can ask me if I’m free and if I’d like to go for a walk/cuppa, I won’t always say yes but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask’. He instead bombards me with texts throughout the week and beats about the bush waiting to be invited/asked out for a walk etc.

It’s uncomfortable I think because with all my other friends some text once a month/every few months and we arrange to meet up for a long walk etc, some text once a week just to check in/catch up, and some I speak to over the phone or facetime once every few months. So I find this guy overwhelming and not particularly on my wavelength hence my stepping back.

I know I probably sound quite cruel in stepping away, but I don’t really feel particularly free to talk or heard within this friendship. I appreciate he may be feeling lonely living alone, with no family nearby, but I don’t wish to be the security blanket so to speak. Again sorry if that sounds harsh.. we really don’t know someone until you take the time to get to know them and although they may play a part in your life, sometimes they’re not always meant to stay in it?

I think your right, had he have had a professional around him all the time he would have probably engaged with them by now.

I was just a short while ago thinking about how else I might connect with my son, he enjoys playing a game on his console called Minecraft which I sometimes join him with. He also likes to play a game called House Flipper, and away from the console he likes to play poker. He likes to watch certain programmes on TV too, and is also showing an interest in painting and decorating, so I was thinking that may be other ways to connect.

Thank you for helping me to better understand how my son is potentially feeling and why it is so difficult for him to relay anything to me.

Is there a particular way in which I can approach my son with his OCD? So that I might be able to gently help him to understand what OCD is and how it affects him. And/or the best way I can support him without making things more overwhelming for him?

Are there perhaps some of my own behaviours in the way I interact with him that I may need to consider? I appreciate my own anxieties about him may not be helpful.

I think I understand/see what you mean regarding telling him of my interest in him.
I do try to keep calm around my son as best as I can, I do find it difficult on occasions especially when I’m tired, this can be a problem as his OCD somewhat extends his bedtime routine. He has created his own daily routine although he has become nocturnal and now doesn’t wake/get up until 4.30/5pm. He has a projector light in his room which he’s had since young along with two fans, I recently got daylight bulbs for a few rooms in the house which he seems to like, so I’m looking to get some more to put in other rooms too. He has preference for certain loose clothing which I buy, jogging bottoms, hoodie, t-shirt, and for the labels to be cut out. I’ve bought him some chew jewellery as he will otherwise chew on the neck line of his clothing, chewing gum helps too. The main difficulties I have is helping him to accept and understand his OCD, he’s aware something feels different as he will say he has to have a shower for example but in the same sentence say he doesn’t want to but just has to otherwise xyz will occur. His OCD revolves around contamination so there’s alot of cleaning, wiping of his body and items. He also sees his older brother as a source of contamination.

When his older brother is online or with his mates, he insists that he always joins them too because they are his mates too even though he has only met them a handful of times. My older son doesn’t mind his brother joining them occasionally online or outside for a game of football, but he would like to spend time with his mates on his own. My younger son gets angry about it and it causes alot of friction with my older son feeling trapped.

The other thing is encouraging him to engage/communicate with others. It would be nice if he is able develop a new friendship or two I think this would benefit him greatly.

I would like to gain an understanding of why he finds it difficult to talk about it, or accept it? Any insight into OCD would be much appreciated.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Oceandrive24.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Oceandrive24.

I forgot to mention than in terms of caring for my son he is in my care 24/7, and visits his dad along with his brother once every other Saturday but they very rarely of at all stay overnight – now they are old enough to make that choice they generally choose not to stay over. They used to stay at my parents sometimes, but that is a rarity too now.

I’ve managed to carve out time a few days a week of a morning to go for walks for a few hours or so with this guy on the days he has off.. but I still fear, based in past experience as I’ve explained, that I feel I wouldn’t be able to offer enough time to a relationship.

Just feeling quite sad now coming to realise, despite loving my sons to bits, how restricted my life feels at times..

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply, it is much appreciated.

‘A decision on whether to have a relationship between two people needs to be made by the two individuals, not by one. If you give him all the information and let him make the decision for you- you are giving your power away.’.. This makes alot of sense and is something I had not thought about. I need to decide what is right for me and likewise it is for him to decide what is right for him.

Whilst on our last few walks after I offered friendship I’ve began to feel more relaxed and the conversation has began to flow, and it seemed to be the same for him. We began to share more. I’ve shared a little more about my son, about my parents and growing up, about work, my interests and social life as limited as that can be sometimes, but I do connect with my friends regularly.. In our conversation whilst we have laughed and joked – we have a similar sense of humour – I have found out more about him.. Although he is happy being alone and independent he’d like company too, someone to share his life with whilst still being able to spend time alone.. this made me think of how I enjoy my independance and do like time alone. What I mean in my last relationship it felt claustrophobic and it felt too much leading to feeling like I needed to escape, I couldn’t give him what he felt he needed – to be there all the time. Does that make sense? I enjoy company but not being joined at the hip.

We’ve spoken about what things we like to do outside work/caring duties.. He likes history WW2, antiques, model making, reading, walking, he used to be in the territorial army, he likes watching old films and is intrigued by science fiction, we’ve had some great conversation around that!  Socially minus the current pandemic he’ll meet on the odd occasion for a beer with a mate or mates at his local, or head off to a car boot sale or antiques market. Me, I like history, antique markets, keeping fit and being active, long walks and fresh air, reading, making things/crafting..

I guess there’s plenty more to find out..

I do feel at ease with him and it’s made me think this evening whether I’m hiding behind friendship out fear? Fear that what I can offer wouldn’t be enough.. that he would want more like my ex did.. but then he’s not my ex.. x