Thank you for your advice. I already do some of the ideas that you suggested. I used to have the motivation to go to school. Now I lost that motivation. For friends, I am not looking for someone who I can cry on their shoulder. I’m looking for someone who does not use me and appreciates who I am. These days people pretend to be friends with me just to get what they want and I end up back in square one at the end of the day. But I still help them even when I know that I’m being used. At least I know I am being kind to them. As for the teachers, they all know that I am always alone and they try to make friends for me but no one wants to be friends other than to use me. These days the word “friend” has no meaning. It is the action of generosity and support that proves that one is a true friend. But being alone has its perks as well; I am not easily distracted, I can finish my work on time, I do not have enemies to worry about since I do not talk much and etc. And I am a nonchalant person who wears a “mask” everywhere: I pretend to be happy so no one can see the pain that I really feel. Anyway, I have been doing those ideas that you suggested for many years now. I listen to music and I play the piano. I play tennis and walk around school cause I do not have anything else to do. And I spend most of my afternoon studying. I have a feeling that I lack friends because we do not share any common interests. I grew up on a farm in a village while all my friends grew up in cities and we do different things in our free time (they play video games while I read books). And I’ve grown to believe that fate and destiny have decided that I should stay alone.

P.S. I got rejected by a girl yesterday. Lol.

I would not be able to go to a doctor or a psychotherapist without letting my parents know. And they would become mad if they knew. The school counselor is unavailable any time soon since he also happened to be the coach of my school’s sports team and they are going on a national level competition this Friday. Besides, if I talked to a counselor, there is no doubt that they will tell my parents. There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me and they have not forgotten. That was a couple of years ago but ever since then, I never told anyone else about my problems so talking to a counselor or doctor is out of the question. But like I said, I’ve grown used to this now and I call the feeling I get when I encounter this “Dark Energy” which I happen to like the more I experience it. It gives this weird negative feeling to me and it is the cause of the chest pain I sometimes have. I met another person who felt the same way as me except for different reasons. She felt this chest pain too but she does not like it and we both write about our experience whenever we encounter this “Dark Energy” and it helps to soothe our pain. Also, If you read my other thread, you will know that I loved someone, which also soothed the pain. And even better: the pain from getting rejected distracted me from the pain that I was already feeling. But eventually both feelings merged to create even stronger “Dark Energy”.

But the annoying thing is, I’m still lonely and I feel sad all the time. And I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. In fact, I’m getting more and more depressed each day. I’m starting to cry more than usual, especially at night. I’ve experienced moments when I suffered from so much pain that I cried until my tear ducts couldn’t give any more tears and until my tears turned into blood. But no one ever saw. And no one cared. And I am still suffering. Can you help me?