Hi Molo,

Oh. My. God. I feel awful for you. Sorry you have to go through this.

From what I gather, you’ve decided not to go to the wedding, but maybe you feel guilty about that decision?

Hell, at this point, I wouldn’t want to go either, especially since your daughter hasn’t expressed any apologies. But that’s not to say she won’t. Do you think she will? Do you think she gets how much this has hurt you? I feel that’s probably why you don’t want to go to the wedding, because she hurt you so much, and to show her that. I don’t blame you.

But perhaps as time goes on, your emotions about your daughter’s role in this will change, and that you’ll she never meant to hurt you and that it was a terrible mistake, which I gather from what you’ve written, you feel like it was. So for now, I say accept how hurt and betrayed you feel. Don’t rush into making any decisions. The wedding isn’t tomorrow, and thank god. That gives you some time to go through it.

Good luck.

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Hi Little Coconut,

Sounds like maybe you’re looking for a way to break free? Costa Rica isn’t a bad way to do it. But as someone who also has artistic pursuits, and has had to depend on parents for funding, I can honestly say that accepting money from parents can bind you in ways that you can’t even see. The guilt, possible shame, having to feel like you need to listen to their input, all that stuff hinders art. It doesn’t help. No matter how many classes you are financially able to take.

Some of the most amazing artists had no help at all. They just did their work fully and openly, without the fear and anxiety that sometimes parents can instill in us, even if they are financially supportive. I don’t know your situation, but if any part of you feels like you need to go to Costa Rica to force yourself to establish your independence, I would say that maybe you need to look into settling your finances without your parents help, at least gradually.

A full time job isn’t the end of your art. Maybe you can cut your expenses so a part time job may suffice. Either way, whatever you decide to do, just make sure that the only one calling the shots in your life is YOU. You’re twenty-four. This is when you’re supposed to try everything, take adventures, live your dreams (to sound hokey but whatever). Take advantage of it!

Good luck!

Pink:)

He’s out there for you. I know it 🙂 I feel like in a weird way, we get ready for the people we’re supposed to be with. Maybe through this relationship you’ve changed in ways you don’t see just yet. Everyone who we choose to spend with teaches us something, that’s for sure. I know how you feel though. All the unanswered questions. The ‘what ifs’. Sometimes I handle relationships like I handle work–I just want to do everything I can. But whenever I’d start to think like that, I’d look at my phone. If he’s not calling, he’s not fighting for me. And you know what, I want someone to fight for me. It’s not compromise if you’re the only one compromising, you know?

Pink 🙂

Hi Bpkhss,

I’m of Arab heritage as well, Muslim too, and even though I don’t practice my religion or wear a headscarf and was born in America, dating for me has certainly had its challenges, especially since 9/11. I’ve been in relationships with mostly American men, and in the end, it has always come down to culture. For whatever reason. And I don’t even speak Arabic! But I’m proud of who I am and where I come from. And I think that is what it is about.

My advice to you is to see beyond your feelings (I know that’s hard) and into who this person is as a human being. He isn’t open. Instead of running away, he could have had a more intelligent response of being intrigued and interested. Aren’t two cultures better than one? And honestly, can you picture taking a guy like that to the Middle East? Someone who wouldn’t appreciate it? I think he did you a favor being honest. Take it.

I know it just feels hopeless right now though, like you’ll never find love. But you will. Your heart is now open to it, you know? And just think–this guy wasn’t right, so you’re that much closer to finding it.

Good luck 🙂

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Hi Doremi,

It’s perfectly natural to feel disappointed about being passed over for a promotion, or not feeling like your work is being appreciated for whatever reason. When I was young, I used to think colleagues were like friends or parents–quick to validate my efforts, you know? But I’ve learned over the years that most people, if not all, aren’t thinking of you. Like, not at all. And if you want to feel appreciated for your work, you have to be the one to go and get it. You are your only advocate. That’s just how it is.

For example, if you hear of a position in your company that would entail a promotion–you have to be proactive and go for it. And act like you DESERVE IT. And are WORTH it. If you don’t believe on your own that you are a successful, bright person with a lot to offer, no one else will.

In the meantime, trust that your time to shine will come. Just hold your head up high, shoulders back, and tell yourself every morning how successful you are and how lucky your company is to have you. And ps, if you’re a woman, you must tell yourself that A LOT and NEVER allow anyone suggest otherwise (because they will) Not even for a second.

Good luck 🙂
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Hi Dinosaur,

I was once in a similar situation, and the thing is, and this may be hard to see because you’re ‘in it’–do you really want to be with someone who isn’t sure about you? I know that he is the one who may be going away for a few weeks, potentially leaving you with what may be a broken relationship, but the thing is this is YOUR life, not his. And you need someone who is sure, right? If he’s going away on business and doesn’t want to be in the relationship–let him. If it’s meant to be (I know, super cheeze) he’ll come back to you. But please don’t feel that his insecurities have anything to do with you. He’s a whole other person, you know? He’s got his own issues I’m sure.

And seriously, if a five week business trip is all that it takes for him to question the relationship, all that means is that he doesn’t want to be expected to make the effort to keep the relationship going during this time—and THAT is so not something you want. You deserve better.

Good luck 🙂
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• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by pink24.

Sounds about right at 25. I think the twenties are just the hardest years. It’s like you have all these ideas, no money, and life just seems like this huge thing to overcome. But it isn’t. I’m 37. I totally get where you are. But you’re definitely WAY hard on yourself, girl. Be happy that you’re twenty-five. It feels old probably because you’re the oldest person everywhere you go, like school, but it’s really not old. Sounds cliche, but you have your whole life ahead of you. You can do whatever you want. And you’re supposed to make mistakes, that’s how you learn.And even if you don’t think you’re learning and changing and growing, you are. Just from reading your post, you have an awareness. That’s huge.

When I was your age (*eyeroll*, I know) it was right around 9/11. I remember working in a cubicle in New York and watching those planes crash into the WTC. It completely took me. And up until that point i was feeling the way you are feeling. But after that, it’s like I woke up. Nothing matters anymore after something like that, except your happiness. So i did ‘me’, you know? I quit my full time job, got some temp work, backpacked through Europe, lived in sketchy apartments, all the stuff I wanted to do that wasn’t exactly what people thought I should be doing. I followed my gut. And during all of that, I found things that made ME happy. Not anyone else.

Sometimes we caught up with an idea of what we think happiness looks like. But in reality it’s different for everyone. Your twenties are just for that–finding what makes YOU happy. It’s painful, uncomfortable, but in the end (and there is an end), you’ll find yourself in a completely different place. Just have faith in yourself and believe you are deserving and worthy of everything in life. Yet another cliche, but true…

• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by pink24.

Reading your post was like going back in a time machine. I had the same reservations ten years ago, (and I sometimes still have those same reservations but in a far less serious life-changing way and it’s usually with a martini in hand) At 24, I left an advertising job, backpacked through Europe on my own, and returned to New York to become an actress. I found a temp job, a cheap apartment, and I just DID IT. And not to mention I graduated from an Ivy League college so my parents weren’t exactly thrilled.

If you want to do something–anything–you can do it. At first it feels a little, actually a lot, uncomfortable, but hey, change always is. That’s why so few people do it. If you want to teach yoga and write, teach yoga and write. Practically speaking, maybe keep the full time job while you get certified. Talk to some yoga teachers. See how they live. Surely some of them are artists too. I’m a writer now, and so I know–if you want to be an artist, there’s no real way around a struggle of some kind. Financial, personal. There’s always a price for anything worth doing. But what you gain is always worth far more than what you (seem) to lose.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by pink24.