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PoppyxoParticipantHi dreamer711,
I’m assuming you in the UK and may need to return to China?
If this is wrong I apologise, it just gives me words to write with.You are experiencing anxiety, worrying about the future, worrying about something you aren’t in control of is not helpful. If you want to continue a relationship with your boyfriend, why don’t you start looking for work a month in advance? Work your butt off to get a job/visa in the UK so you don’t need to return home?
If you need to return home, then do so, keep in contact and keep applying for jobs until you get one. If you love your partner this wouldn’t seem like too much ‘effort’, if you don’t then maybe you will see this as effort.
Have you spoken with him about the issue you’re facing?
PoppyxoParticipant1) Yes – but not looking too get back with my ex yet, if at all. His behaviours since the breakup have shown me nothing but negativity due to his own anger at not getting his own way (me) or being annoyed at the situation, so in my eyes if anything were to happen, it would take a while for him to prove his worth.
2) I wouldn’t necessarily say I still have issues, but they are something I will be working on for the rest of my life to be consistent in terms of always loving myself and never letting that leave me. Using my counselling knowledge with my mother is probably not best as it does causes conflict, but I can see her suffering and want to help – how else do I go about helping? I’ve tried ignoring the situation, but I know that’s never useful, especially when her lack of communication ends up digs being made by her too me, which I don’t feel I shuld just accept.
3) Communication differences – 100%. I don’t feel like rebelling in spite of her, it’s just I don’t feel supported in the way I need.
January 16, 2017 at 1:39 am in reply to: Save me please I know Im drowning myself (in my own misery) #125376PoppyxoParticipantHi Janet,
I empathize completely with your situation, as I’m going through one similar.You need to take a look at some of the things he has done to you, physically abused you, cheated on you and broke your property? Would you do that to someone you loved? You also said “Because right before that he had physically attacked me and I was just at my end. I just couldn’t take his abuse and I “retaliated” I knew the second I said it I wanted to take it back. And he feels he can’t ever trust me now because of that.” So he is punishing you for something you’ve done, even though he’s done much worse? I’m not saying your retaliation is right, because it’s not, it makes you as bad as him and two wrongs don’t make a right, we all know that. You can’t shout at someone for doing something but then doing the same or equal.
This relationship doesn’t appear healthy and I know how hard it is to move on, you will have days of absolute nightmare, but you need to keep in mind how he has treated you & from reading your words it doesn’t seem nice at all. You sound like me in that you people please and want the best for everyone else but you put yourself second – what does it say about you when you let someone disrespect you in such a way? It says to me “hurt me, treat me like crap, do your worst, I’ll still be here” You need to work on building your self-esteem, work on loving and respecting yourself and in time you will realise that this man isn’t someone that deserves you – but you also need to do some work on that anger. I’ve been very angry in the past & it’s down to me not communicating how I feel or communicating how I feel but not being listened too or getting my needs met – it sounds like this is happening to you also.
You also need to own the fact that you have allowed these things to happen to you, and until you put your foot down and put a stop to allowing these things, they will continue to happen, with this man or any other man. Trust me, I’ve been 10 years in the same relationships patterns through this same situation.PoppyxoParticipantSorry Breakups at the very beginning of this – not breakdowns***
PoppyxoParticipantThank you
Weve spoke alot, admittedly a lot through text which is wrong because I believe he has misinterpreted a few things. Anyway. At present we are not talking, due to him getting annoyed and blocking me. I understand his annoyance & impatience, I can appreciate where its coming from. However, I was torn between reaching out & letting him decide his plans – is it correct that if he does truly want me he will reconnect again? Is it my place too connect? I want him to want me & not come from a place of easy.
As I feel lately like I may need to learn once more if this person is for me as I cannot pull away from him.. but how do I approach such an unhappy family? They completely disagree with the way he has been. My mistake for telling them everything, I feel I have more knowledge Understanding & wisdom that if anything goes wrong I am ok & I needed to do this.
Thoughts?PoppyxoParticipantPeter,
Could you reiterate further?
I get what your saying but also slightly confusedPoppyxoParticipantThank you very much for your time Anita 🙂
It is very much appreciated. I hope you have a wonderful ChristmasPoppyxoParticipantIf I’m honest my head is screaming walk away he is not worth it.. but for 6/7 months now my heart is longing for him.
I have, like others, always wanted to be loved, but at a higher level than most, due to an emptiness I have felt within for years. Because of this, I feel, this is why I keep trying to pursue this situation. I’m a people pleaser, a rescuer & I over function in relationships so I can where & why this is coming from.
I say I don’t trust him but I blindfols myself in thinking he’s not a horrible person, he isn’t playing games & hes confused too.. but reality is, no matter what amount of conversation we have had, I’ve put it out there that I’m willing to take things slow & he’s said he can’t. In my eyes that doesn’t tell me he wants me like he makes out. His ego seems to override him & he feels the need to be in control & have things go his way.
He’s had a lot of trauma & difficulties in life & this is where my rescuing comes in & I need to realise that I cannot fix him, nor make him want me. Around this time if year also is hard, grief is hard & I see that because I’m still upset so far after our split that ‘we must be together’ but I’m worn out trying & being the fixer when he doesn’t seem too involved…And breath!! Lol
PoppyxoParticipantThanks Anita for your time.
He sent him a text yesterday after meeting saying I would be willing to see how things go, that we’d date again & go from there. He got a bit defensive saying “im not being strung along like a dog waiting for you to want me” (this wasn’t said negatively. I asked why he thinks like that as it isn’t like that it’s just I need to build trust, with his ‘help’ & mentioned if he met someone else that he’d date them for a few months before both making a decision whether they’re suitable, so I said it’s a shame that he doesnt want to do this with me, he replued saying ‘no I can’t sorry’. I told him I can’t give myself to him before building trust. He suggested we leave it at the moment and if in a few months time I want to make a go with him I can let him know, to which I said that I wont just wake up one day & trust him, hence my reasons for dating & building trust now. He didnt have much to say, but continued with a ‘its not good enough’ type of attitude. I told him I felt upset & let down by the outcome & that I felt sad (this was through text last night) & I havent heard nor had a reply.How do you read this, from an outside point of view?
PoppyxoParticipantThanks, it does.
Ive spoken with him tonight & explained that I need to build trust again before ‘giving myself to him again’ he understood but basically said hes not waiting round for me.
It is right (no right or wrong I guess as it’s just how I feel) but is it right for me to feel like he can’t care too much for me if he isnt willing to do that? I feel like I’m being punished for guarding myself when I haven’t done anything wrong – I feel like he should be jumping at the chance, am I wrong to think that? I didn’t say no, I said no to exclusivity just yet but not all togetherPoppyxoParticipantI wouldn’t want him to wait around for me, but I guess at the same time that’s the only way anything were too happen, by gradual building of trust. Even then I may still never be ready. I guess the ball would need to be in his court on that one on how much he wants us to work.
I’m not looking to date anyone else or make wnyone else part of my life so I don’t mind taking this approach myself. He’s never been an open man in terms of his feelings & what he’s thinking so this is really big for him to open upPoppyxoParticipantI’ve never loved myself. But over the last 6 months I’ve really delved into loving myself. I guess thats what puts me in a different position to know that if it went wrong again I’d be ok.
But along with that, goes back to being present. You can only have a problem in the present moment, not in the past, or in the future.
It does scare me the thought of getting back with him, it also scares me to walk away. Its been 7 months already & I still can’t pull away from him. We were great around all of this though, he really did make me laugh & smile on a daily basis & weve seen so much of the world together & we match & compliment each other. We now know everything about each other, I’m a stronger person (still a little work) but im realised & im working on my boundaries with a therapist.
I’m just so stuck between whats best for me.
Maybe it’s not about having to make the leap either way, but just being & seeing what comes of it.PoppyxoParticipantSorry, the ex he was texting wasn’t his boys Mum. It was another ex.
We have, and even today have spoken about why he kept something a secret after the initial time of me knowing & he has said that he doesn’t think about things at the time, only if & when they get bad. But he now knows this is not right. He has a lot of guilt being carried from stuff in his past, he was in the army. As hes lived with guilt for so long anything added isn’t added as he already feels it. He now kniws this is wrong & couldn’t be vulnerable to open up so dealt with it his way.
He’s been very open to me, more so now than when we were together. Explaining why he has done things. Doesn’t make it right or acceptable as he has hurt me in the process. I’ve never hurt him in that way but I have always had a fear instilled within me that I am not good enough or worthy of an opinion so never aired them because of that, I always felt controlled (before him) because of not listening to my own opinion & going along with someone elses opinion & almost using it as my own, but despising the fact id do that. Alot of complicated stuff that is pretty much based around communication & feelings.
I feel like I understand where he’s coming from & that I’m in a much stronger place now. But of course I don’t trust him at the moment. But does that mean I won’t ever again?PoppyxoParticipantThanks for taking the time out to respond Peter.
I cannot trust him at present because of this, but wonder how I’d go about trusting him again?
I know only I can choose whether to or if I can.In your opinion, what would you say he would need to do to prove he’s sorry & worth me giving it another chance?
I’ve spoke to him about whether he is able to be open & honest, reasonably adapt in areas that are needed & he’s said he would.I also believe living in the present, so in times like this it’s hard to challenge living in the present ‘as if nothing has happened’ but also using what has happened to determine my path
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