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Can you trust again?

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  • #123009
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    I’ll try to keep it short.
    With my ex for nearly 2 years. Lived together, lovely little family unit with his little boy of 6.

    We’d seen his ex girlfriend out one evening and then I found out around 8 months in that he had been messaging her – we spoke a lot about it, he said he was doing it for revenge because when he saw her it brought up past stuff for him, sadness, resentment etc because she cheated on him when they were together. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do for revenge but texting was enough at the time to ‘reel her in’. We communicated a lot, I did say I would stand by him if he was honest & I knew everything, which I did. Then he kept it from me, I gave him almost an ultimatum to stop and he did. A year or so went past, we had a few problems in other areas of our relationship, generally based around communication. We split up around 7 months ago, I found out that he had been messaging her again, it came to an end, he felt relieved from carrying out the revenge (he asked for her back then said no after she had consulted her parents). He has been communicating with me apologizing for what he done for a good few months now and I can’t help but feel I would like things to work, but I know I cannot trust him. I also feel like although he has done wrong, he know’s he has, he’s openly admitted it, but he hasn’t physically cheated. Our relationship was great, we’ve both got flaws that we’ve clearly spoke about since – mainly not talking enough about important things. Although this has happened I feel we’ve communicated more now than we ever have.

    Can you trust again? Can people ‘change’? How can I find out if I want this or not?
    Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated

    #123018
    Peter
    Participant

    Can you trust again? Yes it requires work

    Can people change? Yes and no. We change jobs, partners, where we live but how we experience life, how we experience our sense of self experiencing life… that is much harder and my own opinion is that it stretches but does not change much.

    How can I find out if you want this or no? Only you can say. You say “I know I cannot trust him”. As long as you ‘know’ this I think you have your answer.
    Your ex’s “revenge” justification sound immature to me so he has work to do.

    #123021
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Thanks for taking the time out to respond Peter.
    I cannot trust him at present because of this, but wonder how I’d go about trusting him again?
    I know only I can choose whether to or if I can.

    In your opinion, what would you say he would need to do to prove he’s sorry & worth me giving it another chance?
    I’ve spoke to him about whether he is able to be open & honest, reasonably adapt in areas that are needed & he’s said he would.

    I also believe living in the present, so in times like this it’s hard to challenge living in the present ‘as if nothing has happened’ but also using what has happened to determine my path

    #123029
    anita
    Participant

    Dear poppyxo:

    You asked in the title of your thread: “Can you trust again?” Meaning, can you trust your ex boyfriend. You answered your own question in your last post: “I cannot trust him at present”.

    You also wrote: “I know only I can choose whether to or if I can (trust him)”- I don’t think so- you can choose to get back with him, but the moment something doesn’t feel quite right, you will be wondering if he is still messaging her, won’t you?

    And he has a six year old with his ex, correct? If so, he will keep communicating with her. How can you tell his motivation each time he communicates with her: will it be regarding their child; a new revenge strategy; something else?

    You will be wondering.. do you want to put yourself in a wondering if- situation, again?

    There is another possibility: you, him and the ex (the mother of his child?) getting together and talking… so that you will have more material to evaluate before you make your decision about a getting back together.

    anita

    #123034
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Sorry, the ex he was texting wasn’t his boys Mum. It was another ex.
    We have, and even today have spoken about why he kept something a secret after the initial time of me knowing & he has said that he doesn’t think about things at the time, only if & when they get bad. But he now knows this is not right. He has a lot of guilt being carried from stuff in his past, he was in the army. As hes lived with guilt for so long anything added isn’t added as he already feels it. He now kniws this is wrong & couldn’t be vulnerable to open up so dealt with it his way.
    He’s been very open to me, more so now than when we were together. Explaining why he has done things. Doesn’t make it right or acceptable as he has hurt me in the process. I’ve never hurt him in that way but I have always had a fear instilled within me that I am not good enough or worthy of an opinion so never aired them because of that, I always felt controlled (before him) because of not listening to my own opinion & going along with someone elses opinion & almost using it as my own, but despising the fact id do that. Alot of complicated stuff that is pretty much based around communication & feelings.
    I feel like I understand where he’s coming from & that I’m in a much stronger place now. But of course I don’t trust him at the moment. But does that mean I won’t ever again?

    #123037
    anita
    Participant

    Dear poppyxo:

    You not trusting him currently does not mean you will not trust him in the future, not at all.

    People can, if they are able and willing, change their thinking and behavior. Absolutely. And so, he can too. Communication between the two of you is very important. So when he feels distress he can talk to you instead of reacting in ways he used to. Changing is not easy: new behavior needs to replace the old.

    The two of you have communication work to do- you expressing your opinions instead of going along with someone else’s and him- let go of the ex girlfriend (old thinking and behavior) and go to you instead (new thinking and behavior).

    When you change your behavior with him, expressing your true opinions and understandings, you will learn to trust yourself (no longer despising yourself, as you wrote, when you take on others’ opinions).

    Trusting yourself- this will be a wonderful thing for you!

    anita

    #123040
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    I’ve never loved myself. But over the last 6 months I’ve really delved into loving myself. I guess thats what puts me in a different position to know that if it went wrong again I’d be ok.
    But along with that, goes back to being present. You can only have a problem in the present moment, not in the past, or in the future.
    It does scare me the thought of getting back with him, it also scares me to walk away. Its been 7 months already & I still can’t pull away from him. We were great around all of this though, he really did make me laugh & smile on a daily basis & weve seen so much of the world together & we match & compliment each other. We now know everything about each other, I’m a stronger person (still a little work) but im realised & im working on my boundaries with a therapist.
    I’m just so stuck between whats best for me.
    Maybe it’s not about having to make the leap either way, but just being & seeing what comes of it.

    #123055
    anita
    Participant

    Dear poppyxo:

    Your last line: “Maybe it’s not about having to make the leap either way, but just being & seeing what comes of it. ” leads me to think that the leap you shouldn’t struggle with making is the one back to a physically intimate relationship with this man. This is leap you are not ready for, not trusting enough for that.

    To “just being and seeing what comes out of it” means to me to be friends with him, at this point. Not gf/bf, but friends, and …see what comes out of it.

    anita

    #123073
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    I wouldn’t want him to wait around for me, but I guess at the same time that’s the only way anything were too happen, by gradual building of trust. Even then I may still never be ready. I guess the ball would need to be in his court on that one on how much he wants us to work.
    I’m not looking to date anyone else or make wnyone else part of my life so I don’t mind taking this approach myself. He’s never been an open man in terms of his feelings & what he’s thinking so this is really big for him to open up

    #123109
    anita
    Participant

    Dear poppyxo:

    All you have to do with him is be honest about your thoughts and feelings. If he decides to wait for you- or not- that is up to him. He will be responsible for that decision, not you.

    If you and him are friends, not intimate partners, and the friendship does not progress to physical intimacy, for as long as you are honest, not Promising such progression, then you don’t owe him such progression. The progression if it happens, or not, will be a result of a shared responsibility, a 50%- 50%.

    As long as there is honestly, no dishonest manipulations and lies, the responsibility is equally shared. Any party can withdraw at any time.

    Does this help?

    anita

    #123127
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Thanks, it does.
    Ive spoken with him tonight & explained that I need to build trust again before ‘giving myself to him again’ he understood but basically said hes not waiting round for me.
    It is right (no right or wrong I guess as it’s just how I feel) but is it right for me to feel like he can’t care too much for me if he isnt willing to do that? I feel like I’m being punished for guarding myself when I haven’t done anything wrong – I feel like he should be jumping at the chance, am I wrong to think that? I didn’t say no, I said no to exclusivity just yet but not all together

    #123146
    anita
    Participant

    Dear poppyxo:

    I agree that it is not wrong for you to feel anything that you feel. But let’s look at his response, saying he is not waiting around for you, let’s look at it and think right:

    It reads to me that you are right/ correct to think, to believe that the fact that he is not willing to wait for you does indicate, like you wrote, that he does not care too much for you. It also indicates that he is not a very decent man.

    There are consequences to our actions. He betrayed your trust, that was his action. The consequence is that you lost your trust in him. By him not being willing to wait, he is refusing to accept the natural consequence to his action. This is not a good indication of his ability to love anyone, neither is it an indication to a good character.

    It is also possible that his statement that he is not waiting for you is a manipulative statement meant to pressure you to have physical intimacy with him. Such is further indication of a lacking character, lacking honesty.

    Every dishonest person is sometimes honest. This is the confusing part for many. So pay attention to his overall behavior. If he is a dishonest person, the quality of his love is not high.

    Please do not give in to his lack of willingness to accept the natural consequence of his actions (at “best”), or his dishonest manipulation (at worst).

    Your last post where you indicated him not waiting for you is discouraging to my view that this is a desirable man for you to have a relationship with.

    Please post anytime with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    #123232
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your time.
    He sent him a text yesterday after meeting saying I would be willing to see how things go, that we’d date again & go from there. He got a bit defensive saying “im not being strung along like a dog waiting for you to want me” (this wasn’t said negatively. I asked why he thinks like that as it isn’t like that it’s just I need to build trust, with his ‘help’ & mentioned if he met someone else that he’d date them for a few months before both making a decision whether they’re suitable, so I said it’s a shame that he doesnt want to do this with me, he replued saying ‘no I can’t sorry’. I told him I can’t give myself to him before building trust. He suggested we leave it at the moment and if in a few months time I want to make a go with him I can let him know, to which I said that I wont just wake up one day & trust him, hence my reasons for dating & building trust now. He didnt have much to say, but continued with a ‘its not good enough’ type of attitude. I told him I felt upset & let down by the outcome & that I felt sad (this was through text last night) & I havent heard nor had a reply.

    How do you read this, from an outside point of view?

    #123243
    anita
    Participant

    Dear poppyxo:

    What you told him, “that I wont just wake up one day & trust him”- is true. Your trust in him was broken in the context of a relationship with him; building trust in him can happen only in the context of (a none-physical, at this point) relationship with him.

    I understand this is frustrating for you and you wish he was willing to have the friendship that you would want. But the thing is, seeing who he is now- unwilling to take responsibility for the natural consequences of his actions- well, basically, you don’t need more of a relationship with him to figure out that he is not worthy of your trust. He gave you this information quickly. You already have it.

    You can’t reasonably trust a person who refuses to take responsibility for the natural consequence of his action. As simple as that, I think.

    What are your further thoughts and feelings (from the inside point of view)?

    anita

    #123246
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    If I’m honest my head is screaming walk away he is not worth it.. but for 6/7 months now my heart is longing for him.
    I have, like others, always wanted to be loved, but at a higher level than most, due to an emptiness I have felt within for years. Because of this, I feel, this is why I keep trying to pursue this situation. I’m a people pleaser, a rescuer & I over function in relationships so I can where & why this is coming from.
    I say I don’t trust him but I blindfols myself in thinking he’s not a horrible person, he isn’t playing games & hes confused too.. but reality is, no matter what amount of conversation we have had, I’ve put it out there that I’m willing to take things slow & he’s said he can’t. In my eyes that doesn’t tell me he wants me like he makes out. His ego seems to override him & he feels the need to be in control & have things go his way.
    He’s had a lot of trauma & difficulties in life & this is where my rescuing comes in & I need to realise that I cannot fix him, nor make him want me. Around this time if year also is hard, grief is hard & I see that because I’m still upset so far after our split that ‘we must be together’ but I’m worn out trying & being the fixer when he doesn’t seem too involved…

    And breath!! Lol

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)

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