Can you trust again?

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    Dear poppyxo:

    Keep in mind that it is possible that he is refusing the friendship because he believes you will cave into his pressure, get desperately lonely, and agree to be his girlfriend again, very soon. This may be a tactic on his part, a strategy. He may not be ready for the relationship to end, he … may be only trying to get back to bf/ gf right away, without the trust-building-phase.

    Keep it in mind so that you don’t fall victim to such a manipulative strategy.

    You can’t fix his childhood trauma. It already happened. You can’t go back and rescue the little boy that he was. What you have in front of you is a man who may be manipulative.

    A manipulative person is not always manipulative; a dishonest person does not always lie. A dishonest person will tell the truth a lot of the time, show his real feelings, be vulnerable, and sometimes lie, sometimes mislead, when it serves his interest. As he may be doing now.

    Stick to your position. Be true to yourself. Rescue YOURSELF now from further future trauma with him. Post again, anytime.



    Thank you very much for your time Anita 🙂
    It is very much appreciated. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas


    I also believe living in the present, so in times like this it’s hard to challenge living in the present ‘as if nothing has happened’ but also using what has happened to determine my path.

    I appreciate your posts as you attempt to work out your experience that I think many people can relate to. How to build trust when trust has been tested and made even more difficult by the hope of being loved.

    Perhaps the question that needs to be answer first is do you trust yourselves again after your experience?

    The foundation of adult trust is not “You will never hurt me.” It is “I trust myself with whatever you do.”
    ― David Richo, Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

    I also struggle with the concept of living in the present and memory however I don’t think living in the present means living as if the past hasn’t happened. Our memories are a part of who we are and so present in us.

    And then there is the memory of the imagined future hope for…
    “The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

    How much are we willing to overlook in order to keep a dream alive and not experience this most painful state of being?


    You are welcome and Merry Christmas to you too, poppyxo!


    Could you reiterate further?
    I get what your saying but also slightly confused


    Dear Poppyxo,

    You are a gentle and trusting soul!

    If you still feel you should get back with this person, so be it….but also think out the process what you would do if things go south again!!

    Do not let anyone take your kind nature for granted!!!

    God bless!


    Thank you

    Weve spoke alot, admittedly a lot through text which is wrong because I believe he has misinterpreted a few things. Anyway. At present we are not talking, due to him getting annoyed and blocking me. I understand his annoyance & impatience, I can appreciate where its coming from. However, I was torn between reaching out & letting him decide his plans – is it correct that if he does truly want me he will reconnect again? Is it my place too connect? I want him to want me & not come from a place of easy.
    As I feel lately like I may need to learn once more if this person is for me as I cannot pull away from him.. but how do I approach such an unhappy family? They completely disagree with the way he has been. My mistake for telling them everything, I feel I have more knowledge Understanding & wisdom that if anything goes wrong I am ok & I needed to do this.


    Dear poppyxo:

    Sometimes it is easy to give advice, and this is one of these times. He blocked you, you wrote (“At present we are not talking, due to him getting annoyed and blocking me.”)

    And then you wrote: “I cannot pull away from him.. but how do I approach such an unhappy family?”

    My thoughts: he blocked you. This means he pulled away from you. It is not your choice to pull away from him- or not. He made the choice. You asked how to approach him and his family-

    you don’t approach him or his family. He pulled away, and so, you stay away from him.

    It is as if you don’t think he MEANS it, as if he is playing a game of push and pull: he pushes you out and so, it is your turn to pull him in. Well, it may be a game on his part, and I suggested it to you already, that he may be manipulative. But if I was you, I wouldn’t play a part in such a game. If he pushes me away, I take it like he means it and I don’t pull, don’t approach.

    I don’t like those kinds of games, and so, if it is a game he is playing- I am not playing it. That would be my policy.


    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by anita.
Viewing 8 posts - 16 through 23 (of 23 total)

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