I hear you and agree. It’s so scary and hard for me to have those kind of conversations ugh. I don’t trust myself to talk about it without getting upset/crying but I just need to try. And if he can’t handle an honest conversation like that then I guess that’s better to know sooner than later.

He’s pretty involved…has been at his company a long time and has earned one of the higher positions there. He does a lot of traveling so will be gone for 2 weeks starting next week and right now he’s busy prepping at work for that trip. Not sure about how much he interacts with other people at work, but he does refer to some of his workmates as his buddies. He has some flexibility with his hours when he’s in town, but when he’s traveling he’s working pretty much most of the time from what I know. He is also doing some remodeling of his house and since he does do so much traveling with work he really has to bust his butt to get things done when he’s home.

I can see that he’s busy, especially after typing that out. I probably have too much time on my hands. I am not super busy at work at the moment, and even when I am, I think I’m probably better at multi-tasking so it’s not a big deal for me to be texting and working at the same time. But I understand that while he’s at work I can’t expect too much communication. Just felt a little hurt that he didn’t respond to my let’s ride roller coasters together text. Even if he had responded later…at least it wouldn’t have been completely ignored and I wouldn’t have to wonder if that was intentional or not. I don’t feel like interactions increase outside of work hours…this is the problem. And especially with how busy he is, it seems like he would want to try to plan times to hang further in advance. But I guess he’s just juggling a lot. I also worry about this upcoming trip of his…I guess it will be a good test to see if we can hold it together, but I feel like I probably won’t hear from him a lot and I don’t know how you can develop a relationship with someone if you’re barely in contact. It’s hard for me to know what are valid concerns and what’s my unreasonable expectations. The last relationship I was in for 2 years and he would text me all the time…always good mornings and good nights and we’d always be letting each other know what we were up to. So I think I got pretty used to that kind of communication and I miss it to be honest.

Thanks Anita. Did you see the second part of my post from yesterday?

Hi Anita,

Good point about feelings vs. values and character. Probably a reminder I need to keep coming back to!

Yes! Fear is one of our major drivers. How are you managing yours these days and do you still struggle with it? Someone important to me told me a long time ago to never do anything if it’s fear that’s motivating me to do it. I was so young when he told me and didn’t really get the importance but it’s something I think about a lot when I’m trying to make decisions in my life. The thing I’m most scared of is probably what I need to do the most! Still, hard to practice that at times and some fears are definitely stronger and harder to overcome than others.

Hi Anita,

We did discuss our relationship a little last week and the world doesn’t seem to have collapsed lol. Unfortunately we were both a little drunk so the specifics are hard to recall. I feel like basically it was a positive conversation and confirmed what I’m feeling – that I want to pursue a relationship with him and only him. The “kiss of death” feeling that I have after having had those conversations in the past is because of my reaction to the talks…nothing I hear is ever what I want to hear and I can hardly stop myself questioning the guy until he is probably completely overwhelmed and shuts down and is over the whole thing (my perception). Even if the conversation had started out positively, it’s like sometimes everything I hear is negative even if it’s not. I can spin something neutral or even good until I’m able to re-create it as proof that the guy isn’t really into me.

As far as your second question – should I be looking back at romantic relationships or at other things, maybe from my childhood and upbringing? I’ve had infatuations and obsessions as long as I can remember, crushing on boys when I was 10 years old and writing in my diary about my love for them, even some I never actually met.

Anita,

This is what I’m coming to see – that my interpretations are just that – interpretations! But they’re so deeply rooted and it’s exactly like you said – I didn’t even think to question it because I didn’t consider it could be wrong.

Today I’m not feeling a lot of anxiety and am just trying to be mindful and present and not worry and draw on the positive experiences I’ve had lately…the proof that the guy I’m dating is interested in me rather than seeing everything as evidence that he’s not. I wish I could always feel calm and confident and positive and not descend into spirals of anxiety and negativity. I guess that is bound to happen but the trick is to gather tools to be able to deal with it when it does?

I’m grateful for this conversation and would like to talk more too. I don’t do much internet-ing on the weekends but am looking forward to hearing more from you.

Reposting this as I’m not sure it’s showing up :/

Anita,

Yes that makes a lot of sense that the solution won’t be found in a conversation with her! This is in line with the book I’ve been reading too…that it will take a relationship (even with a therapist as you said) that’s consistently supportive to strengthen those connections in my brain.

It’s hard to recall these conversations with other men to be honest. It’s more of a feeling that I got that things went downhill after opening up and becoming vulnerable. I remember telling one guy for the first time that I loved him and his response was to kind of laugh and tell me that I didn’t really. And before I told him I felt pretty sure that he felt the same and would’ve reciprocated. But after I told him that, I understandably felt like I had given something up and probably became more insecure because of that. I have just always wanted to know where a relationship is going (lock it down!) rather than just enjoy the ride and see where it leads. I’ve been told by more than one partner that I can’t “force it” and need to just let it develop naturally. I never really understood this until the last few months and having a (ex)partner who I felt like was trying to do this forcing and hammering out the future.  I also had a short relationship that ended after I expressed some insecurity and jealousy over his past relationships. Me wanting him to compare his feelings for exes with his feelings for me. This is behavior that I don’t do anymore as I’ve grown enough to realize it does nothing but feed my anxiety. Everyone is allowed their past loves, I know this.

I wonder if the relationships ended not because of the reaction of the guy to the “talk” but my own reaction. Like I didn’t get the reassurance I wanted so it sent me on a downward spiral of doubt and neediness and desperation. Even now I think I’m scared to talk to the man I’m currently seeing because I don’t know what his answers will be and I’m nervous how I will respond to this. If I don’t know, I can just assume that we’re on the same page, you know? But I feel like the more I do this in relationships, the further I get away from feeling a genuine connection with someone even though that’s what I want so badly!

Really appreciating your feedback Anita!