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Aww sweet Hunter, kind of sounds like Nugget – not a perfect dog, a little anxious and barks a lot but always loves me. <3 I’m glad you get those daily visits! Sounds precious.
I’m sorry to hear about your mother. That is a tough relationship to be inconsistent. But understandable that the kindness between explosions would no longer cut it. Can you sit calmly by a nice and innocent looking package of any sort knowing there is a bomb inside that could go off at any second? Interesting… I can relate some to what you wrote about your mom. You may know from some of my previous posts that she hasn’t been the most consistent person either. I would never say it’s abusive but I have had to create some distance between us at times so as not to allow myself to get sucked into her bad mood/emotional-ness. As I’ve gotten older it’s been better. As a teenager we would get into huge fights because I just wanted her to see and admit how her emotional instability and choices made things hard for me but she never could and would only get more and more mad. So I just allow her to be how she is. And *try* to not let myself get emotionally wrapped up in that. Not easy a lot of times.
Anyway! I’m sorry for what will seem like my own inconsistency – I’m about to be off work till after the New Year and will be pretty much unplugged during that time. Don’t feel like I can adequately respond here from my phone and I don’t have a laptop at home. I wish you and those you love very Happy Holidays, Anita!!
Totally right, Anita. I have some experience with that (inconsistent people) as I’m sure we all do. Difficult to deal with, for sure. And takes a long time to realize that it’s not you that’s responsible for their inconsistency. I am still working on this. That is a pretty insightful distinction about pets vs. people, I like it.
Oh you are absolutely right, Anita! I hadn’t thought of it like that before…that they are so consistently loving and there for us. Really special.
Thank you Anita! I appreciate your presence here. It really is amazing how strong of bonds we can form. I need to be grateful for the time I had with him and not keep replaying the bad end times in my head. I know he’s at peace now and that he was cared for and loved in his last years and I was so lucky he found me when he did! ❤
Thank you for your message and recommendations. I visited the website briefly and really liked reading this: “The bond between you and your pet is unbroken, for love goes beyond the physical. Recognize this…” I think I am just struck by the intense emotions I am feeling about his death now, a whole year later. Maybe it’s that milestone that is bringing some of the feelings up for me.
And you are spot on about Nugget nearing 12 years old! Their relationship really was adorable and wonderful to watch and honestly probably helped me love Nugget more, just seeing how he was with Kitty.
Thanks and take care,
KatieAugust 8, 2019 at 10:39 am in reply to: Conflicted social preferences, frequent interruptions- advice needed #307183
Your happy place sounds beautiful!! I love pine forests but we don’t have many around here in Indiana! We do have lots of state parks and rivers so that’s nice…sometimes just going to the park and hiking around for a couple hours is a complete reset. Tomorrow my plan for my day off is to go to the river and kayak which is another happy time for me and sooo needed after spending so much time in an office! 😀August 8, 2019 at 6:08 am in reply to: Conflicted social preferences, frequent interruptions- advice needed #307141
Haha thank you for writing K, and for the kind words! It is rare that someone calls my words wise (where is the LOL emoji when you need it?!) but I appreciate that! 🙂 I know what you mean about hearing yourself and seeing your awkwardness…I have been there before for sure! I think we are conditioned to be really harsh and critical of ourselves and it takes a long time to shrug this off, some of us never do! But I started seeing my awkwardness as endearing and unique to me and I find I beat myself up a lot less these days….I think that just comes with practice. As with changing your mindset…it just takes practice, and not allowing yourself to be too harsh on yourself when you slip up. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been going through some kind of spiritual awakening in the last few years (I’m 35, just for reference…it takes a long time to wake up!) and it is constant steps forward and back. Some moments are great, others I can get bogged down in irritation and negativity. But to just accept this as it is and that it’s ok and doesn’t mean I’m losing it or am doomed to be negative forever is pretty important.
I hear you about only-childness being pretty lonely, and what you described here and in your other thread does sound tough. As a child I think I was open with my parents when I was upset so that probably helped. I do think a counselor could be helpful to, as you said, “unpack” some of that stuff. I’ve seen one on and off and I do think it was of some help. Totally understand on the missing out on the neices/nephews thing. I also don’t have kids of my own and am not sure if I will have them so I do sometimes get freaked out when I think about what my life looks like as an old woman! But I try not to think about that too much because we just never know what will happen. 🙂
Oh and I can so relate about rushing through the week to get to the weekend or wanting to GTFO of here so I can get home or get to the woods lol…I actually loved what you said “I can’t wait to get out of here and take a drive up north and be in the wilderness and enjoy quiet.” That sounds beautiful…do you have a special spot you like to go? I guess ideally we would all be able to just be present and not wanting to be somewhere else, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking forward to being somewhere you know will bring you peace.
So, I don’t know how much you know about Buddhism (I don’t know much, am just starting to learn bits and pieces) but one of the basics of it that really speaks to me and takes a while to soak in (I am paraphrasing based on my understanding) is that the cause of our suffering is attachment. Attachment to things, people, yes…but also attachment to ideas about how our life should look, who we are, what is going to happen later today, etc. And we can get rid of our suffering by letting go of this attachment! I find this super profound and helpful when I’m going through stuff.
About Brene Brown…I think what makes her books so great for me was that they introduced me to this idea that even the not so pretty parts of myself (impatience, awkwardness, chubby legs) that I don’t like are all imperfectly perfect! She writes a lot about shame and vulnerability. And she’s funny! So her books have a lot of depth but they’re also entertaining, good reads. I don’t think we realize how much shame plays a role in how we live our lives…like we go through life thinking there is something wrong with us and we constantly struggle to be our authentic selves. When we can let go of the shame buried inside of us, it’s much easier to be our authentic selves…sometimes other people don’t like this because we become less “people-pleasing”. But there is such a freedom in being yourself. And you know, maybe your authentic self just doesn’t like or do well with small talk and that is ok!!! “The Gifts of Imperfection” is what kicked off my love for her.
Love this and your self-awareness. :)”Finally, my other favorite quote I read here in my travels is: “No one gets to the end of his or her life and thinks, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” [so true] I think if I had to say, this particular quote has helped me the most recently. Like, is this really something worth getting annoyed/mad over? Bringing it up in a hurtful way? Is this truly important? Am I the problem in this situation? Am I the one that needs to take a step back in this particular instance?”
Just an fyi – I’m only really on the computer at work so my responses might be sporadic! Especially this weekend as I’m taking off Friday and Monday woooo 😀
August 7, 2019 at 1:17 pm in reply to: Conflicted social preferences, frequent interruptions- advice needed #307073
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by Katie.
I think you’re really insightful and in a pretty big period of growth right now! I think patience is so important when we’re dealing with ourselves and thought patterns. It does sound like you have love and understanding for yourself so that is good! And I agree that it seems like when we try really hard to *make* ourselves stop thinking a certain way, it almost makes more of those thoughts come up. I’ve read it and read it again, but I do really think there’s truth in the practice of noticing your thoughts, and almost visualizing them floating by but choosing not to identify with them. Just recognizing they’re there, almost in an amused and interested sort of way and then watching them float off…this way we can acknowledge a thought (without shoving it down only for it to return later) without putting too much feeling into it.
I don’t have a lot of close people in my life either. Sometimes I wish for more and sometimes I can’t believe how fortunate I am for just the small handful of relationships that mean so much to me! I’d say the 3 closest people in my life are my mom, my boyfriend, and my best friend. Other than that there are a couple girls I work with that I talk to but nothing super deep (which is ok).
You said this: ” I feel prickly and moody when underneath I know there is sense of self, purity, beauty, and love.” Well said, and I can relate. In the last few years I feel like I’ve gone through my own big period of growth (it will never end!) and sometimes I have this sense of serenity but then in my interactions I feel like I can come off high strung, nervous, intense….I will give it some thought but then let it go. The fact that YOU know you have a sense of self, purity, beauty and love and that is where you are operating from is the most important thing I believe. I read your other thread and know you’re an only child…me too! I do think sometimes that might make us feel a little more awkward in social interactions…just from the solitude we had as kids. I’ll also say that sometimes I do feel like an oddball because I don’t have that kind of (sibling) relationship that a lot of people have.
It’s almost become a cliche at this point but have you read any of Brene Brown’s books? I think that was a turning point for me.August 7, 2019 at 11:47 am in reply to: Conflicted social preferences, frequent interruptions- advice needed #307047
Thanks for responding! What you said resonates with me, I really do hear you. I feel the same frustrations sometimes and I do think it’s important to remember – as you said – that you don’t have to engage in these things if you don’t want to, but it is also totally ok to engage if you’re feeling it another time! And I agree…sometimes when I actually initiate a conversation about something I care about, I am surprised that other people do care and we are able to talk about it. I think with the way our society is so “connected” these days, it’s easy to forget the beauty (and necessity!) of silence. We don’t always have to be talking/listening to still be connected to one another…just with kindness, a mutual understanding that we are all on this journey together, albeit each with our own paths and experiences. I think sometimes people get really uncomfortable with silence so they try to fill it with chatter – sometimes maybe it’s something that’s of interest, sometimes something I couldn’t care less about and this is when I start getting annoyed and feeling like I need to get out of this interaction NOW. I think as we become more mindful, we are more conscious of the words we are putting out there…they really do make an impact, as do the words from others that we take in. I loved your last sentence – “ultimately I always have my permission to do what I need to and want to, and to honor myself and preserve my energy and sanity”. Nailed it!
August 7, 2019 at 7:54 am in reply to: Conflicted social preferences, frequent interruptions- advice needed #306999
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by Katie. Reason: forgot the end of a sentence!
Not much advice to offer, but am interested in what others have to say because you described a lot of what I feel too! I think you are right that a lot of it is exhaustion…I know when I’m tired, I am way more annoyed with people. I like how you put it…prickly…I feel this so much. I don’t know about you, but I am a highly sensitive person…so interactions with people really can be draining. I think knowing this causes me to want to avoid interacting…and some people are more draining than others. Is feeling this way causing you distress? Other than the aggravation obviously…but maybe the aggravation comes from feeling like you shouldn’t be feeling this way? I don’t know, but honestly I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with what you described…we all have different social needs. I know sometimes I crave feeling more connected to people but then when the time comes to interact I’m not really happy with how it goes. It’s not a feeling of anxiety, just a realization that a lot of people I’m around on a daily basis I don’t have much in common with so it can be kind of disappointing. When I want to talk about fermenting veggies, interesting parts of history or how Buddhist philosophies are changing my life, they’re more interested in the latest social media gossip or complaining about the weather or traffic. So yea…not much advice to offer except to restate that you are definitely not alone in this and I hope you are being easy on yourself when you feel these things!
KatieMarch 8, 2019 at 8:31 am in reply to: What do you when the person you like start to make you doubt them? #283675
I can’t really speak to whether or not you should go visit her…I think the conversations you have in the coming months will help you decide that. I do have a different perspective though…or maybe I just misunderstood your post a little. But from what I understood, after 3 months of talking she wanted to make it official with you and have a full on committed relationship, right? But you told her now was not a good time and to wait till summer. So it seems to me like she may have felt rejected and allowed herself to feel things for other people which she is allowed to do as you two were not in a relationship. I think you both need to have an honest conversation with each other, one in which hopefully she can be open and honest as well. You can express your feelings for her and also your doubts and see how she responds.
You are welcome! And you are most definitely not alone. I think the distance from the incident that time will naturally create will be a good thing for sure. And yes, if you can just notice when you have a thought about it but not rehash the whole scenario in your head, that will be helpful. Again, don’t beat yourself up if your mind goes there but try to let the thought go and not obsess on it if it does pop into your head. I hope you do look into some of Brene Brown’s books, they really have helped me. Another awesome perspective is “The Love Mindset” by Vironika Tugaleva…I think she even has some articles on Tiny Buddha!
I can appreciate what you wrote. Anxiety sucks, and I think this overthinking tendency is probably a symptom of that. Or other way around, I am not sure? Either way, they’re related for sure. Our monkey brains trying to see a threat where there is none.
It’s not a great answer, but I think getting older has played a huge part in helping me overcome it (although it still presents itself sometimes!). You said you’re a jr in college so I’m guessing you’re probably 21-ish. I’m 34 so have several years on you. I think noticing patterns and how they’re not working for you is the first step in making changes. I realized I was only making myself miserable and while I do still struggle with getting down in the dumps and overthinking at times, I made the decision to talk to myself as I would my best friend and not an enemy. This change in my perception has definitely made a big difference. Also the realization that we only get one of these lives and I want to enjoy it. Sounds simple, and it really is…but maybe not easy all the time. I’m sorry I can’t give you more concrete advice…I would say to just be patient, kind and loving with yourself. I also get tired of wasting precious time and energy ruminating about the past and worrying about the future. Your mindset really can change with practice. And patience. Brene Brown’s books (The Gifts of Imperfection in particular) have also been a big help. I don’t want to make it sound like I don’t still struggle, but I think the most important thing is learning to forgive yourself and move on when you do. You deserve happiness, you really do <3
I think sometimes for whatever reason, we have a hard time allowing ourselves to just be happy and realize that things are GOOD. You didn’t cheat on your boyfriend, but you continue to tell yourself that you did. Almost trying to convince yourself of something that really didn’t even happen. I think you need to take control of the narrative that you keep telling yourself. Maybe instead of telling yourself that you did something so terrible even though you didn’t intend anything bad by it and ohhh you feel so guilty over it, try telling yourself something like “for some reason this is creating a lot of conflict in me but I am not going to let it effect my relationship any more than it already has”. To continue to beat yourself up for it and read things into your boyfriend’s actions, you are giving that innocent peck way more power than it deserves. I think it’s also important to trust your boyfriend here. He is not bothered by it, you need to trust that he is being truthful with you in that regard and trust that he is mature enough to have seen it for what it was – nothing to be bothered by.
I am a recovering overthinker myself and know how frustrating it can be! I wish you peace over this,
I’ve found Brene Brown’s books to be super powerful, helpful AND entertaining to boot. Would definitely recommend her 🙂