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What do you when the person you like start to make you doubt them?

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #283611
    Mutubu
    Participant

    Hi everyone!

    I wanted to ask you guys a question and hopefully you guys can help me find a solution for my predicament.

    So I have been talking to this girl who  I graduated high school with, but never got the chance to talk to and get to know since she moved a country away. We had each other on social media and we talked every now and then just to check in with each other   And recently we started talking and decided we wanted to see where things go even if it ended up to becoming a long distance relationship.

    For the first two months, things are going fine and we are just taking our time, but  things started to progress faster and faster where both starting falling for each other and it felt  natural to me because I go with the flow.  So three months in and she pops the question and wants to make it official  even though I wanted to see you so bad I felt like that would be more appropriate when we see each other in the summer,  so I told her now is not a good time let’s wait till summer and we both agreed.

    Three weeks ago we’re having a conversation and she mentions a guy who is a former classmate of hers in which she ran into one day and who late asks her out on a date to  which she says no to.  Not a big deal I  didn’t think about it too much, till couple of days later  when she went to hang out with her friends he ended up being there as well.  She told me nothing happened until the end when he asked her if she wanted a ride home in which she said sure.  Later, she told me that she felt bad and at first I didn’t quite get why she did because it was just a car ride, but  she told me after that she had a big crush on him and even though nothing happened then she doesn’t want to be around him in fear  of those feelings are returning.  During that I was shocked and didn’t know what to say because I  been in a situation like this before.  But basically I told her  that everything is a choice feelings can be control plus this was a year old and nothing happened between you two and how can I trust you when you can’t trust yourself?   After all that she figured it out  and we moved on from that  this is where the Dow started to creep in slowly.

    Last week she was studying for midterms she was focusing on school which is fine because education comes first but things started to get a bit weird and shady.  (<i>Just to establish we’re so close at this point to where we’d be considered dating like ex. We’re calling each other babe and  we’re both on the same understanding) </i>  I send her something that  I thought it was funny and relatable and she followed up with saying “I’m not your girl so can’t relate”  so through all that I thought she was being sarcastic and we kept going back-and-forth until she clarified even more and said we’re single we’re just talking.  At that moment I felt kind of hurt because we’ve talked about how we  wanted to be with each other and all the stuff  and when  I asked her where is this all coming from she always try to say “ I’m too busy” or “  Lets not talk about this now.”  And so for four days we had and talked which was hard because we talked every single day .  So she finally came back and basically told me that she’s indecisive, keeps thing about these “what if” situations, that’s she’s not ready for relationship right now and apologized for treating me like crap and etc  and then she asked me if I forgive her. In those four days I felt like I was about to end up in the same situation but with the previous girl I was talking to for nine months where things were going A-OK and all tha in those four days I felt like I was about to end up in the same situation but with the previous girl I was talking to for nine months where things were going great till  she lied to me and said that she was only in it for the good time but at the long time.  And through all of that I kind a got over it and so even though I forgave her  I just don’t know what to do.  We previously talked about wanting to see each other and I planned on going to see her but after I kinda don’t know.  I personally feel like I can’t have those same conversations we had before because trust has been broken. Today, She brought up today that wants me to come up to Canada to see her and I do but I’m conflicted  because I know that we’re going to do stuff to each other physically but I don’t want to give myself by putting in my time effort and energy into something that could potentially end up like last time  where the first time in my life I felt vulnerable and my heart shattered.

    Now I ask you all if what shall I do?  Should I take the rest and take a leap of faith to see where things ? Or cut things off and not risk it?  But first I want to hear what you guys would do

    thank you

    #283671
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mutubu:

    Reads to me that it is not a good idea for you to go to Canada to visit her. She is not your girlfriend, really. She is a woman you’ve been communicating with online for a while. I don’t see a relationship there with her. Like she communicated to you herself: “I’m not your girl so can’t relate… we’re single we’re just talking”-

    No reason to spend money traveling long distance, getting your hopes up so to see a woman who  is not your girl, and who is “just talking” with you.

    I hope you can have a relationship with a young woman in your area, one you can get together in person, wouldn’t that be better for you?

    anita

    #283675
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Mutubu,

    I can’t really speak to whether or not you should go visit her…I think the conversations you have in the coming months will help you decide that. I do have a different perspective though…or maybe I just misunderstood your post a little. But from what I understood, after 3 months of talking she wanted to make it official with you and have a full on committed relationship, right? But you told her now was not a good time and to wait till summer. So it seems to me like she may have felt rejected and allowed herself to feel things for other people which she is allowed to do as you two were not in a relationship. I think you both need to have an honest conversation with each other, one in which hopefully she can be open and honest as well. You can express your feelings for her and also your doubts and see how she responds.

    #283715
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mutubu,

    This is how you know where she REALLY stands: She gets to come down and visit YOU! If she hems and haws then you know your answer.

    See, this is why I’m not big on long distance and/or online relationships. Real life tends to creep in.

    Go see a girl who’s local.

    Best,

    Inky

    #283721
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Mutubu,

    What the others say above is exactly the same as I think as well.

    Good luck with your future relationships, which I hope are (like Inky says above) based in the same country, ideally in the same locality and not based completely on-line and in a world of virtual reality. You are worth much more than that.

    Jay

    #283749
    Mutubu
    Participant

    First off I want to thank everyone who’s  replied you don’t know how much that means to me and that’s cleared my head up a lot.

     

    Yeah I was contemplating about going all the way there because after the conversation we had I don’t feel comfortable going to a city that I’ve never been to and to go see someone who says they’re down for one but seems to be afraid to make the effort.  She does have family in the same city I live in because we all went to the same high school and although she’s busy I feel like that’s safer for both of us. I’m a patient guy who doesn’t ask for the world from anyone, i’ve been told by previous women  i’ve encountered that I’m “once in a blue moon type” and  things end not working out with them because they say “ I’m  ready to commit.” Or “  you deserve someone better“  or “  You’ve  been a big part of my life and I don’t want to lose you” and whether or not we stop talking, they come back into my life wanting me back.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is  how do I deal with someone who’s indecisive? What are someways you guys would bring up these kind of concerns?  Would you try to exhaust all options before ending things ?

    Once again thank you

    #283753
    Mutubu
    Participant

    First off I want to thank everyone who’s  replied you don’t know how much that means to me and that cleared up my head a lot.

    Yeah I was contemplating about going all the way there because after the conversation we had I don’t feel comfortable going to a city that I’ve never been to and to go see someone who says they’re down for one but seems to be afraid to make the effort.  She does have family in the same city I live in because we all went to the same high school to me, I feel like that’sbetter for the both of us. I’m a patient guy who doesn’t ask for the world from anyone, i’ve been told by previous women  i’ve encountered that I’m “once in a blue moon type” and when things didn’t work out with them it was because they say “ I’m ready to commit.” Or “  you deserve someone better“  or  Mainly “ You’ve  been a big part of my life and I don’t want to lose you” and whether or not we stop talking, they come back into my life wanting me back.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is  how do I deal with someone who’s indecisive? What are someways you guys would bring up these kind of concerns?  Would you try to exhaust all options before ending things ?

    Once again thank you

    #283781
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mutubu:

    You are welcome!

    “how do I deal with someone who’s indecisive?..”

    Let’s look at your current dilemma: the woman you are interested, at one point “pops the question and wants to make it official”, later she told you: “I’m not your girl… we’re single we’re just talking”, and most recently, “she wants me to come up to Canada to see her”-

    I don’t think she is indecisive, I think she is impulsive in the area of dating/ relationships with men. She was into you at one point, then maybe she communicated with another guy, or had a date with one and lost interest in you. Later, it didn’t work out with the guy, she was lonely and got interested in you again. In that case, if you travel to Canada, she may find another guy interesting while you are flying to see her, which will make your visit there quite miserable.

    You wrote: “I personally feel like I can’t have those same conversations we had before because trust has been broken”- trust is very important in a relationship, and I don’t think you should try to have a relationship with a person you don’t trust and who has proven to be untrustworthy.

    anita

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