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Katie

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 104 total)
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  • in reply to: Insecure about body hair #159880
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Vic,

    I can understand why you would be anxious to be naked in front of a guy after your experience with your ex. I think everyone has a preference…some guys do indeed like when everything’s hairless, some don’t really care. Not sure what YOUR preference is or what all you’ve tried, but there are products that definitely help with ingrown hairs and irritation from waxing/shaving. One I’ve used and would recommend is called Tend Skin…just a liquid you apply and can get on amazon. Also, I know you said you tried trimming but maybe if you kept a little bit of hair and didn’t take it all the way to the skin this would minimize irritation? Ultimately it’s what your comfortable with.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #159460
    Katie
    Participant

    Do you think it’s too accusatory if I say something like “sometimes I feel like I’m always the one to initiate conversation”?

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #159454
    Katie
    Participant

    I hear you and agree. It’s so scary and hard for me to have those kind of conversations ugh. I don’t trust myself to talk about it without getting upset/crying but I just need to try. And if he can’t handle an honest conversation like that then I guess that’s better to know sooner than later.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #159410
    Katie
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I think you have a good point about us each having different experiences at any given moment and that’s what’s behind our communication or lack of. It’s helpful for me to remember that, as I know I can be kind of self centered. It’s actually a relief to fully believe that not everything is about me. In fact almost nothing is lol. I guess I don’t know what I should do at this point? I don’t really want to back off but I feel like I need for him to show me that he wants to make an effort too or else I will continue to feel like this. But by just sitting back and waiting to see what he’s going to do I’m putting all the power in his hands and I don’t like that either. Torn :/

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #159400
    Katie
    Participant

    He’s pretty involved…has been at his company a long time and has earned one of the higher positions there. He does a lot of traveling so will be gone for 2 weeks starting next week and right now he’s busy prepping at work for that trip. Not sure about how much he interacts with other people at work, but he does refer to some of his workmates as his buddies. He has some flexibility with his hours when he’s in town, but when he’s traveling he’s working pretty much most of the time from what I know. He is also doing some remodeling of his house and since he does do so much traveling with work he really has to bust his butt to get things done when he’s home.

    I can see that he’s busy, especially after typing that out. I probably have too much time on my hands. I am not super busy at work at the moment, and even when I am, I think I’m probably better at multi-tasking so it’s not a big deal for me to be texting and working at the same time. But I understand that while he’s at work I can’t expect too much communication. Just felt a little hurt that he didn’t respond to my let’s ride roller coasters together text. Even if he had responded later…at least it wouldn’t have been completely ignored and I wouldn’t have to wonder if that was intentional or not. I don’t feel like interactions increase outside of work hours…this is the problem. And especially with how busy he is, it seems like he would want to try to plan times to hang further in advance. But I guess he’s just juggling a lot. I also worry about this upcoming trip of his…I guess it will be a good test to see if we can hold it together, but I feel like I probably won’t hear from him a lot and I don’t know how you can develop a relationship with someone if you’re barely in contact. It’s hard for me to know what are valid concerns and what’s my unreasonable expectations. The last relationship I was in for 2 years and he would text me all the time…always good mornings and good nights and we’d always be letting each other know what we were up to. So I think I got pretty used to that kind of communication and I miss it to be honest.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #159374
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Sorry for the confusion – I just meant that third paragraph as a general post to anyone reading. Thank you for responding!

    When I texted him at the amusement park he was at work. Probably at work today too.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #159358
    Katie
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. Did you see the second part of my post from yesterday?

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #159164
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita, I understand being afraid to respond to people assertively! I think you do a great job of it though, at least on here. Agreed being patient with ourselves is key.

    Eliana, thanks for the kind words! Sometimes I feel like I’m making progress and other times (like today) I’m stuck in the anxiety. Although even today I guess I feel a little more in control of it than I did a couple years ago. Sometimes being excited for things just feeds my anxiety. Like unless he and I have definite plans, it’s hard for me to look forward to anything with him because I don’t know if it will actually happen so that’s where my mind goes.

    Definitely am struggling today though! I just feel anxious and tearful and I’m looking for proof that he doesn’t like me, and to be honest it’s not that hard to find. But I’m so confused because when we’re together he really does seem to be into me and I LIKE HIM so it’s hard to understand how it couldn’t be reciprocated when we have such a good time together and laugh a lot and are into a lot of the same things. Situation: yesterday I went to an amusement park with a couple friends. Texted him pictures and he sent back something nice. Little bit later I said “we need to make plans to come back together and ride all these coasters”…nothing in response. Texted him back something silly a couple hours later and he immediately responded. Which answered my question of whether he was too busy to respond to my suggestion of coming back together…clearly not. And then nothing else for the rest of the day and still haven’t heard from him today and it’s almost noon. I don’t know if I’m unreasonable or what. I know when relationships develop into something more serious than not, I have a tendency to start expecting things…certain reactions, a certain amount of contact and communication. Even if I haven’t communicated these expectations to him, I still have them. Which I realize isn’t fair because how is he to know what I’m expecting or wanting out of a relationship if I don’t tell him? But I don’t really think there’s an effective way to tell him I’d like to hear from him everyday and it’s important that he initiate the contact sometimes. Seems like that should just be a natural happening, and if I have to ask for it then something’s wrong. All my thoughts and his seeming withdrawal just make me mad and want to shut down and shut him out and not reach out but then the thought that he won’t reach out either is almost more than I can handle. 🙁 It’s just so uncomfortable :(:(

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #158752
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Good point about feelings vs. values and character. Probably a reminder I need to keep coming back to!

    Yes! Fear is one of our major drivers. How are you managing yours these days and do you still struggle with it? Someone important to me told me a long time ago to never do anything if it’s fear that’s motivating me to do it. I was so young when he told me and didn’t really get the importance but it’s something I think about a lot when I’m trying to make decisions in my life. The thing I’m most scared of is probably what I need to do the most! Still, hard to practice that at times and some fears are definitely stronger and harder to overcome than others.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #158518
    Katie
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    Thanks for responding so thoughtfully, as always!

    I suppose the response I’m looking for and that would satisfy me (temporarily) is something like “I’m completely in love with you, never felt this way before, want to be with you forever, you’re exactly what I want in every way, etc…” I know it’s ridiculous to hope or expect all that, but just being honest. OF COURSE, even if someone did say that it would only take a short time before I start getting anxious that they don’t feel like that anymore!

    I agree it’s possible to stop the rapid fire interrogation and just as possible for someone to become overwhelmed being on the receiving end. I’ve been able to cut this questioning out for the most part as I’ve gotten older, but the feelings underneath it are all still there. I do feel like I’m just naturally making progress (less anxiety, less acting out) as I move further away from a hormonal teenager, but I’m tired of being so uncomfortable when the anxiety does come up and that’s what’s brought me here.

    I see how this negative thinking pattern probably is an attempt to protect myself from the end or withdrawal of a relationship but I know that it’s just become a self fulfilling prophecy. I truly do feel like I’ve got a decent handle on not letting these feelings manifest (at least compared to where I was 12 years ago, or 5 even) but I feel all the anxiety still boiling underneath and sometimes feel like it’s a really thin membrane that keeps them under the surface. Sometimes feels like I’m fooling potential partners because of this even.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #158480
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    We did discuss our relationship a little last week and the world doesn’t seem to have collapsed lol. Unfortunately we were both a little drunk so the specifics are hard to recall. I feel like basically it was a positive conversation and confirmed what I’m feeling – that I want to pursue a relationship with him and only him. The “kiss of death” feeling that I have after having had those conversations in the past is because of my reaction to the talks…nothing I hear is ever what I want to hear and I can hardly stop myself questioning the guy until he is probably completely overwhelmed and shuts down and is over the whole thing (my perception). Even if the conversation had started out positively, it’s like sometimes everything I hear is negative even if it’s not. I can spin something neutral or even good until I’m able to re-create it as proof that the guy isn’t really into me.

    As far as your second question – should I be looking back at romantic relationships or at other things, maybe from my childhood and upbringing? I’ve had infatuations and obsessions as long as I can remember, crushing on boys when I was 10 years old and writing in my diary about my love for them, even some I never actually met.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #158158
    Katie
    Participant

    Also, when the “no you don’t” thing happened, I decided at that instant that I would never be the first person to say “I love you” ever again.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #158152
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    This is what I’m coming to see – that my interpretations are just that – interpretations! But they’re so deeply rooted and it’s exactly like you said – I didn’t even think to question it because I didn’t consider it could be wrong.

    Today I’m not feeling a lot of anxiety and am just trying to be mindful and present and not worry and draw on the positive experiences I’ve had lately…the proof that the guy I’m dating is interested in me rather than seeing everything as evidence that he’s not. I wish I could always feel calm and confident and positive and not descend into spirals of anxiety and negativity. I guess that is bound to happen but the trick is to gather tools to be able to deal with it when it does?

    I’m grateful for this conversation and would like to talk more too. I don’t do much internet-ing on the weekends but am looking forward to hearing more from you.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #158146
    Katie
    Participant

    Thanks for weighing in, Coconut. I’m learning this is probably just his communication style and the fact that he’s quick to respond when I text him makes me feel good about it. This is one of the problems I have though – I rarely “just know”. My default is to assume the worst and interpret things in the most negative light, to validate my bad self image and low feelings of worth. Trying and making progress to change this, but it’s definitely a slow process with a lot of steps backward along the way.

    Anita, thanks for responding. Figured it probably just wasn’t showing up. Even though I could see it, when looking at the page of all the threads, it continued to say you were the last one to post. Weird! Anyway, about the real issue lol and to answer your question…when I expressed my love and was met with “no you don’t”, I heard “don’t develop such strong feelings for me because that isn’t what this is and I don’t feel the same”. That was only about three years ago and I’m not sure I feel much differently about it now, although being removed from it I can see that maybe it was his own defenses at play.

    in reply to: New Relationship Anxiety #158016
    Katie
    Participant

    Reposting this as I’m not sure it’s showing up :/

    Anita,

    Yes that makes a lot of sense that the solution won’t be found in a conversation with her! This is in line with the book I’ve been reading too…that it will take a relationship (even with a therapist as you said) that’s consistently supportive to strengthen those connections in my brain.

    It’s hard to recall these conversations with other men to be honest. It’s more of a feeling that I got that things went downhill after opening up and becoming vulnerable. I remember telling one guy for the first time that I loved him and his response was to kind of laugh and tell me that I didn’t really. And before I told him I felt pretty sure that he felt the same and would’ve reciprocated. But after I told him that, I understandably felt like I had given something up and probably became more insecure because of that. I have just always wanted to know where a relationship is going (lock it down!) rather than just enjoy the ride and see where it leads. I’ve been told by more than one partner that I can’t “force it” and need to just let it develop naturally. I never really understood this until the last few months and having a (ex)partner who I felt like was trying to do this forcing and hammering out the future.  I also had a short relationship that ended after I expressed some insecurity and jealousy over his past relationships. Me wanting him to compare his feelings for exes with his feelings for me. This is behavior that I don’t do anymore as I’ve grown enough to realize it does nothing but feed my anxiety. Everyone is allowed their past loves, I know this.

    I wonder if the relationships ended not because of the reaction of the guy to the “talk” but my own reaction. Like I didn’t get the reassurance I wanted so it sent me on a downward spiral of doubt and neediness and desperation. Even now I think I’m scared to talk to the man I’m currently seeing because I don’t know what his answers will be and I’m nervous how I will respond to this. If I don’t know, I can just assume that we’re on the same page, you know? But I feel like the more I do this in relationships, the further I get away from feeling a genuine connection with someone even though that’s what I want so badly!

    Really appreciating your feedback Anita!

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 104 total)