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KatieParticipantAnita,
Yes that makes a lot of sense that the solution won’t be found in a conversation with her! This is in line with the book I’ve been reading too…that it will take a relationship (even with a therapist as you said) that’s consistently supportive to strengthen those connections in my brain.
It’s hard to recall these conversations with other men to be honest. It’s more of a feeling that I got that things went downhill after opening up and becoming vulnerable. I remember telling one guy for the first time that I loved him and his response was to kind of laugh and tell me that I didn’t really. And before I told him I felt pretty sure that he felt the same and would’ve reciprocated. But after I told him that, I understandably felt like I had given something up and probably became more insecure because of that. I have just always wanted to know where a relationship is going (lock it down!) rather than just enjoy the ride and see where it leads. I’ve been told by more than one partner that I can’t “force it” and need to just let it develop naturally. I never really understood this until the last few months and having a (ex)partner who I felt like was trying to do this forcing and hammering out the future. I also had a short relationship that ended after I expressed some insecurity and jealousy over his past relationships. Me wanting him to compare his feelings for exes with his feelings for me. This is behavior that I don’t do anymore as I’ve grown enough to realize it does nothing but feed my anxiety. Everyone is allowed their past loves, I know this.
I wonder if the relationships ended not because of the reaction of the guy to the “talk” but my own reaction. Like I didn’t get the reassurance I wanted so it sent me on a downward spiral of doubt and neediness and desperation. Even now I think I’m scared to talk to the man I’m currently seeing because I don’t know what his answers will be and I’m nervous how I will respond to this. If I don’t know, I can just assume that we’re on the same page, you know? But I feel like the more I do this in relationships, the further I get away from feeling a genuine connection with someone even though that’s what I want so badly!
Really appreciating your feedback Anita!
KatieParticipantAnita,
Thank you for your kind words! That means a lot to me. 🙂
Tears immediately welled in my eyes as I read your observation. Yea, it’s pretty clear when you look at it from the outside. Only in the last couple months have I been able to look at the role my mom’s issues have played in what I’m dealing with today. It’s hard to separate the love (and gratitude!) I have for her from all of this stuff. I’ve tried to bring it up with her but probably not in the most direct ways, which always results in her becoming very defensive and it never gets anywhere. Not that a conversation with her about it would change anything. Or would it? What do you do when you recognize why you are the way you are? What’s the next step?
At the beginning of this year after lots of pleading from me she finally sought help and was put on meds again and started seeing a counselor (she hadn’t taken meds for probably 15 yrs because of side effects). She seems to be a lot more evened out because of this, but it’s still hard for me to trust her reactions. We are very close but I have definitely started limiting the details I share with her about my life. Some of this has to do with advice that you have given me before, Anita. That she is my primary role model and so her opinions are huge to me and shape me more than I realize even today at 33. I don’t need her negativity clouding my already confused and anxious thoughts.
KatieParticipantThanks for your feedback ladies!! It’s nice to know I’m not alone as I think this is what panics me most…feeling alone and like I will *always* be alone. Even though that’s never been the case and it’s not currently the case…it’s just crazy how we can make these things up.
Wendy – I hear you!! Definitely on the same page about feeling better when we have plans. Dunno why this is. I think ultimately my fear is that he’s just going to completely blank me at any point because he realizes he doesn’t actually like me but if we have plans together then hey, he has to follow through with that right? Typing it out it seems so silly. For the most part I know I’m a cool and desirable person with a lot to offer and love to share but like you said – when feelings get involved, it just becomes scary and so hard for me not to worry about the bottom falling out. I was going to hold off and not text him first yesterday just because I needed to see that he would in fact reach out to me after some time. But then I decided I should just be authentic (sometimes hard to know what that even is) and since I was wondering how a project he’s working on was going, just decided to ask about it. Within 2 mins he called and we talked for about an hour, and he even wanted to know if I wanted company. It’s stuff like this that shows me we just have different communication needs and I can’t put these expectations on him that he’s not even aware of. Still makes me wonder if he was eager to talk to me why he didn’t reach out first?!
The book I’m reading is “Insecure in Love” by Leslie Becker-Phelps. I’m going through it really slowly and I do think it will be helpful! I’ve never really been able to trace where all this insecurity and fear of abandonment came from because for the most part I think I had a happy childhood. No one instance of major trauma anyway. But this book is helping me see that there probably are some pretty clear factors from my past coming in to play. I think it will be a good one to go back to from time to time too. It’s got lots of exercises that get you thinking, and helps you identify your attachment style.
Eliana – thank you for sharing your story! It’s great you’re becoming healthier and good on you for taking steps to get there!! My parents divorced when I was a baby and I stayed mostly with my mom who I love to death and have always been close to but she has bipolar disorder and for as long as I can remember will swing (on a monthly or so basis) from being SUPER involved and energetic but also extremely sensitive and easily offended to being cold, withdrawn and removed. As much as I love her, I know this has had a big impact on my trust of people. I always feel like there’s something bubbling underneath the surface. Add to this the fact that when I was 6 she remarried a jealous and controlling man with three kids of his own (I’m an only child) who would not let me and my mom have any time by ourselves or ever do anything together, including visit my grandparents. She stayed married to him for TEN YEARS. Also my step-siblings were super attractive and popular and I always felt less than. ALWAYS. So I’m not sure if this is what’s contributing to my insecurity, or if it is like you said just the newness of the relationship and the fact that I really do not know where I stand.
Connie – I understand this frustrating need to push away just so he can prove that he wants to be with you. I used to do this with an ex of mine all the time. I’m glad I have finally let this behavior go, but I know how easy it is to beat yourself up over it. It sounds like you’re doing really well trying to deal with it. Agreed that mindfulness is probably key! Sometimes it is just so overwhelming and hard to stay the course. And I definitely agree that I have to find my own happiness. I think this is a major problem. Once I enter a relationship, that seems to become my main focus in my life! I’ve never been one to have a lot of hobbies or things going on, so when I start dating someone it’s so easy to just get wrapped up in them. But as I’ve gotten older and more responsibilities, I can see that there are SO many things I can get into that will take my focus from obsessing on a guy to just be able to enjoy time with him. I think you’re spot on.
Thanks again, hope to hear back from you guys! 🙂
KatieParticipantHi Thomas,
I hear you about being angry and hurt that she’s moving on. I wouldn’t read too much about what this means about the relationship you had and her feelings for you though – I think it’s more just a reflection on her. Maybe she bounces back more quickly or maybe she’s one of those people that really just needs to be in a relationship and is scared to be alone.
KatieParticipantHi Andrea,
Like you I prefer to manage my anxiety on my own. I’ve found a lot of relief through the use of adaptogens, herbal supplements. I could tell a difference within days…just less mental chatter, more able to be present and just an overall sense of well-being. Not sure if you’ve tried this before, but it might be something worth looking into.
http://www.medicinehunter.com/adaptogens
KatieParticipantHi Jamie,
I think if he texts you again you should definitely just NOT respond. And no, I don’t believe that he will change. You probably won’t get closure on this from him so you have to make the choice to give it to yourself. Give yourself permission to walk away from this. You tried to make it work, what he has asked of you is not reasonable and he’s finally resorting to threats, insults and blocking you. Consider that a blessing that he’s blocked you. It’s time to walk away.
You might find this helpful…it has been for me as I’ve been going through my own break up and soul searching. https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/the-toxic-attraction-between-an-empath-a-narcissist/
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This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by
Katie. Reason: Added link
KatieParticipantHi V,
Lots of really good insight from people here! Honestly, my first thought when I read your post was that your boyfriend is a jerk. Sorry to be so blunt, and I’m sure he has his good qualities but his behavior is not supportive and doesn’t sound like what you need in your life right now. Maybe couple’s counseling will help. If he’s willing to go with you, that’s a great thing! It will be very telling what happens after the counseling because it definitely doesn’t sound to me like you are the only one that has work to do. I think it’s pretty awful that he would say you’re being ridiculous when you get upset about this stuff. I agree with the above posters about his lack of respect for you and I really like Anita’s reframing of your post title…it does indeed sound like this relationship is getting in the way of your own healing. How are you supposed to make progress getting yourself healthy when he’s constantly putting up obstacles and tests for you (even if this is not his intention)? I have relationship anxiety too and I understand how easy it is to blame yourself for these problems. And yea, anxiety is a bitch and that needs to be dealt with just for your happiness and peace alone. But he is a major contributor to the issues you are both having. He’s showing a complete disregard for your feelings. I wouldn’t be comfortable or want to see those images either!!
KatieParticipantHey Thomas,
Glad to hear you’re moving forward, even if it’s slow! I truly feel you…you’ve just gotta go at the pace that’s natural and if you feel like you’re ready and want to start dating, that’s awesome! Especially awesome that you’ve found someone you’re really interested in…I hope she said yes to your date offer! Yea, I’ve both thought about and followed through with the random text stuff after break ups. I agree she’s just trying to maintain some kind of friendship…she probably is also concerned about you and just checking in to make sure you’re ok. She might think it’s easier for you if you know she’s thinking of you also. Did you respond to her towel text?
KatieParticipantHi thomas,
It’s been a few days – how are you doing? I think you’ve got some really great responses here but just thought I’d weigh in also. I understand your pain and conflict, and I agree given the situation it sounds like no contact is a good way to go. As for why she liked your photo and then made the comment about you being at a “friend’s” house…I do think she’s probably trying to keep you around “just in case”. Just like you’re afraid of losing her completely, she probably has the same fears. But it’s not really fair to keep up with the back and forth – because just like you said, you had been starting to feel ok after some days of not talking and then BOOM…one comment and it starts with the second guessing and analyzing and trying to figure shit out. Which detracts from you healing YOURSELF. It really is so HARD. I am going through something similar right now, although minus the long distance and deep feelings of love. It’s still hard to let go of someone you’ve built a relationship and shared so much of yourself with and hoped for a future with. That’s why people keep dipping their toes back in, to check the climate and see if the other person has moved on or if they’re still “available”…that’s just my opinion anyway. And honestly, judging from how I know I can be sometimes…it might be that the more cool you are the more it seems you’re hanging with “friends”, the stronger she might come on. So just be prepared for that. But if you’ve both decided that the situation is what it is and isn’t changing and there will definitely not be a LDR then I’m not sure there is an option for moving on and being happy other than no contact as hard as it is.
Take care of yourself Thomas 🙂
Katie
KatieParticipantnextsteps,
Again – I just want to say how much I can relate. I have that same terror (feels like panic!!) of being alone forever and that’s what’s kept me in relationships when they weren’t right. I was engaged to a really, really good man who I would’ve had a secure and loving life with. But I just couldn’t convince myself to get happy or excited about it…in fact, I felt like I was signing away my life and any possibility of ever feeling like myself again. It didn’t make sense and still doesn’t really, except to put it down to us just not being right for each other, and me not feeling the feelings for him that I wanted to. Like you, I had moved far away from home and any family or friends to be with this guy, so the thought of ending it all was super scary and overwhelming. But I did end it….and my life went on. That was 4 years ago, and truthfully while I am still struggling to find “home” now, I KNOW I made the right decision. I had to look at it a couple ways…firstly, it felt easier for me to figure out my conflict and confusion on my own rather than holding him back while I figured it out. Yes I was really scared that in that time he would move on and meet someone else and I would realize I’d made a mistake and it’d be too late…but if he was able to meet someone else he was happy with then was it really a mistake even if I thought it was? Surely he deserved happiness and all he wanted out of life too (and he did find it!). Also, I feel like fear is a horrible motivator but usually the easiest thing we let drive us. So when I’m feeling fearful it’s sometimes a sign to me that I need to do exactly what it is that I am most afraid of. Fear was keeping me in that relationship, so it made sense to me that I needed to explore life outside of it.
That fear of being alone forever sucks. I love being intimate with a partner…emotionally and physically, and to think of never having that again – like I said, it makes me panic. BUT I truly don’t think that’s rational. There has been nothing in my past to indicate I will be alone forever, in fact quite the opposite…I’m sure this is true for you. And while our lives really are short, when you count them in days and all the people you will meet…there is just so much possibility and so much more reason to think “I know I WILL meet someone sometime, when the time is right” then to think “I will NEVER meet anyone ever”…you know?
Like Anita, said, it has to be your decision as you are the only one who really knows how you feel…but I just wanted to share some of my experience and thoughts because of all the parallels I see with you.
KatieParticipantHi nextsteps,
Not much advice to offer other than to say I can really sympathize with you right now. I do think there are some people we just click with, and unfortunately that can make it hard to work to maintain relationships that aren’t so clickable. It’s possible that if you had pursued a relationship with this friend, you would find the day to day grind would start to require more effort from the relationship – maybe that’s what’s happening with your current partner? I know for me – I had a long term relationship that ended over 3 years ago (entirely because of my own stupid actions) and I am still struggling to let go of it and feel happy. I think of him every day, multiple times. I do think there is something to be said for creating this sense of home within yourself. I’ve bounced around different relationships and haven’t been on my own for probably 12 years so I’m beginning to see this is what I need…just time on my own to figure it out. Luckily I have this now. Doesn’t feel too great sometimes though! Would be much easier to turn my focus to the next guy to obsess over.
I think it’s a little concerning that while you’re trying to assert yourself your boyfriend expresses that you’re changing and not “nice” like you used to be. We are always changing! Hopefully in relationships we can change/grow together but some people really don’t want to grow and are scared of any change. After 5 years, do you think you have the foundations of a relationship that you’d want to work at? Regardless, all you can do is be honest and open with yourself and your partner. I know it’s hard….just be patient with yourself.
KatieParticipantHey Heartache,
How are you doing?
I’m going through this right now also. Sucks. Been coming for a long time but that doesn’t make it any easier. I would like nothing more than to get a sincere apology and an attempt to be kinder and more thoughtful. To actually feel like I matter to him rather than just getting empty words. But we have no control over their actions and as hard as it is we have to just accept that they’re not the person for us. People love to tell me “it’s better to be alone than be with the wrong person” but I really struggle with feeling like this is true. I think that’s what keeps me going back.KatieParticipantHi selkied,
Welp I just had this long reply typed out and then accidentally deleted it. Doh! Let’s see if I have the patience to try to recreate…
I don’t have much advice but definitely feel like we are in similar boats. I’m 32, also an only child, had few friends in high school and didn’t really make any in college. I have one close friend now that I met at a job I used to have but she also happens to be very busy. I feel like everyone around me has a thriving social life and I just…don’t. And I think this is where a lot of my discontent lies. In the comparing. And not even comparing facts, but comparing my perception of other people’s lives to my reality or my reality that I choose to see. Is this something you do? I know when I am aware that I’m doing a lot of comparing and am able to knock it off, it is much easier for me to be at peace with where I am and just recognize the beauty in my own life. I tried online dating and also found it exhausting and am really not keen to try it again so I am clinging to a relationship I’m not happy in because I just can’t see how I will ever meet someone else in real life! Fear…not good. I also thought about meetup as someone mentioned above but the initial anxiety of meeting lots of new people at once has been enough to deter me. Also thinking about joining a gym, doing some volunteering (not to meet people, but because it’s something I want to do and would make me feel good and less focused on myself) but I tend to get caught up in the day to day and it never happens. Have you thought about trying some volunteer work? I would specifically like to do something with the elderly, maybe just popping in for visits…not sure if these opportunities even exist lol. You mentioned you like reading – have you thought about going to a book discussion group at your local library? Check out their website and see what you can find! I also hear you about feeling like people you do connect with are busy with their own families and established friends, but I think if you express genuine interest and care about someone you like talking to, chances are they will feel the same. It might be up to you to put yourself out there – suggest getting a coffee/drink/hang out, whatever. Can you say explain more about feeling like you don’t really connect with anyone you work with? I feel the same sometimes but when I approach them with a more open and curious mind, I am usually able to find something to connect with them on. Is this something you can do? Interested to hear more from you, I really can relate!
Katie
KatieParticipantHi cosmoslullabye,
It’s been a week since your post so I hope you’re doing ok and checking in here. I relate to your struggle. I know how easy it is to drink when you feel like everything is going wrong. Even though you KNOW it’s contributing to your problems, it’s still so tempting to just drink “tonight, and stop tomorrow” just to numb out and opt out of dealing with things for a little longer. While I don’t know you, I would guess that you actually don’t need to change yourself completely, you simply (though not really simple at all, I know) need to stop drinking. I don’t know any of the science behind it, but I know from my own personal experience – drinking regularly and a lot puts a fog over you. This veil of depression and you start seeing everything with a sh** colored filter. It is so hard in the beginning to stop. I had no physical dependence and I hope that is also the case for you. But for me, just the first few days were the hardest as it had become such a HABIT to come home and drink way too much. But after those first few days I honestly felt so much better. You might find it helpful to focus on the simple things that will come with not drinking…how it feels to go to bed sober and actually get a good night’s sleep and wake up with a clear head in the morning!!! Being in control of your actions and reactions to people and events, rather than have everything clouded by drunkeness. Feeling PROUD of the decisions you are making and actually getting things done rather than always having the excuse of having had too much to drink so you can’t do anything. It’s these things that once you start actively not drinking motivate you to continue on. I’ve also found recovery blogs helpful, especially this one. http://livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.com/
There might be a long list of things you want to change and do and accomplish, but I truly think the first one is to get your drinking under control. Not even saying you can NEVER drink again. Just do it consciously. Know why you are drinking and really check in with yourself and decide if it is really what you want and if it is going to help get you anywhere you want to be. And know that over time, steady drinking really can cause your brain chemistry to change. So a lot of these depressed feelings you’re struggling with could be alleviated by taking a break from the booze. Just try it and see how you feel and what changes for you. It might be uncomfortable at first (*very*) as you are FINALLY confronted with all the crap you are trying to run from by drinking. But know that this is growth and progress and makes you STRONG and it is better to deal with these things now than in 10 more years of drinking with 10 more years of problems added on top.Good luck to you, I hope you post again.
Katie
KatieParticipantyea Anita, I think you are right on with this and appreciate the hope you have given me that I can maybe start moving towards more healthy interactions without therapy since I’m really not receptive to that in this moment (don’t feel like I have the time, finances, energy and not really sure I *need* it). I have found that when I am intentionally not being reactive and am more mindful, obviously I feel better and am able to communicate better without feeling guilty afterwards or out of control. It’s easy to let myself react and just use the excuse that I am an emotional person but I don’t want to continue doing this to the detriment of myself and my relationships. Something I need to continue to practice. Thanks Anita 🙂
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 