Kinny,

What an unbelievably, beautifully-written reply. I am blubbering as I’m reading it because you touched on so many things I can relate to, perhaps because you drew them from personal experience. Not to sound too gushy but I’m seriously considering printing it and keep it with me at all times to read whenever I feel down because it is not only applicable to that particular incident but also to my life in general.

Fixating on the past (especially the negative experiences) is my major character flaw that I’ve been trying to conquer for some time now. I am stuck in the ‘knowing’ phase where I know what I’m supposed to do, only I don’t feel them in my heart therefore I’ve been delaying, hesitating.

Some of the things you mentioned really help me gain some insights / clarity, some perhaps I’ve known them all along, it’s just that I didn’t know how to put them into words. It’s funny how when you’re able to put them into words, seeing those words and reading them out loud, it just hits you. It opens your eyes and your mind.

Some of the highlights that I really love:

– How in every other paragraph you remind me of the all-inclusive nature of life’s ups and downs. Sometimes when we indulge in self-pity, we always make ourselves out to be the victims. It’s good to be reminded that everybody without exception has experienced life’s ups and downs at some point in their lives, that they have hurt as well as gotten hurt. No one is exempt.

– There’s a cycle of negativity passed down from one person to another and you have to be willing and consciously break free from that chain. It’s a kind of selfless act because instead of passing down the pain, you absorb it. It’s a very tough thing to do but if you can do it sincerely, I believe it will be so liberating.

– We’re not all-knowing. Oh, how empowering and liberating is this knowledge! I have to admit, sometimes I let small, super trivial things irk me to no end, even years after. This enlightenment eliminates almost all of them because with small annoyances such as unpleasant encounters with rude shopkeepers, you just don’t have enough backstory to understand why this person does one thing or another. There’s simply too little data to compute so why obsess over it. By comprehending this knowledge, I sorta ensure myself that things will always makes sense, I just don’t know the whole story.

– To always consider the grander scheme of things. People have the tendency to think that the world revolves around them, myself included. I now realize that by playing victims, we positioned ourselves as the center of the universe. Whaddya know, I employ the same self-importance as Lisa’s mom. Eye-opening, huh?

– Also in the grander scheme of things, things happen so that everyone involved can learn a lesson from it. Everyone has their roles. I happen to be assigned as the casualty. So not fun. However, I’d like to give my two cents on how to approach this seemingly unfair scheme: Playing the casualty is not for the faint of heart and it takes a tough cookie to be able to go through all this and emerge victorious so in a way, it’s the universe’s way of saying ‘you’re strong’ or ‘I believe you can make it through’

– Thanks for acknowledging I was the casualty. It means a lot, it validates all the pain and humiliation I went through.

– Love that bit about your uber-logical friend, that nice little token of scissors to remind you to always forgive, and thanks for illustrating how waiting to be vindicated won’t do me any good.

Actually there are a lot more that resonate with me but then this entry will be getting longer and longer so I’m just gonna end this post right here. Kinny, thank you again for sharing, they really help a lot. Words can’t express my gratitude enough 🙂

Hi Kinny,

Thanks for the recommendation, I’ve actually been wanting to try meditation for some time but just didn’t know where to start.

And can I just your suggestion about “I can be happy today even if…” is brilliant. I think it’s liberating. I’ve become aware of my feelings but I’ve just been stuck ever since, didn’t know how to move to the next step. I think this could be it. As for your pointers:

1. I have a Twitter account exactly for this purpose! I don’t follow or be followed by anyone. I simply would use it as an emotional dump whenever I feel sad, angry, bitter, or even ecstatic. It does help.

2. A lot of elements in this incident irked me in the beginning but as I learned and grew more mature over the years, one by one they disappeared. For example, I used to be angry at Lisa for having been born rich and being happy about it but then I looked at myself and I also had a pretty good life. I’m sure there are people who are less fortunate than I am and I’m sure as hell it won’t be fun having them throwing shade at me simply for being born into my life. I couldn’t choose the family I was being born into, neither could Lisa, so I dropped the case.

Now, I am left with what I think are more valid grudges that need to be addressed because I really, truthfully, honestly want to break free from those.

Those things that still irk me are:

– That nasty bitch aka Lisa’s mom. She’s the type of woman who will make your life a living hell lest she gets her way, my guess is that she has always been that way her whole life. She does that to the point where people would just give in to her every whim in order to be spared the agony of her wrath. In movies, bad karma would always befall characters like her. I hate how people talk about right and wrong but when faced with a real situation, they always falter. This is not right. Somebody has to stand up and school her, give her a lesson in humility.

On a more selfish note, I’m not gonna lie, I want them to feel the humiliation that I felt. I want them to realize they’re not the most important people on earth as they make themselves out to be. I want it to hit them in the face when they least expect it. And again, hating on a second grader? WTF. I can’t even.

– How Lisa doesn’t seem to realize that she’s hurt me and how she seems to be able to move on with her life happily even though she’s wronged some people. My take on this is, she knows she’s well-loved and that she has her mom to ensure nobody dares to ‘unlove’ her so she never has the motivation to right her wrongs. She knows it won’t hurt her character.

– The #1 thing that irks me is how all the key people in this incident never bothered to do the right thing. Like the teachers, for example, even if they had to give in to that nasty bitch’s wrath and conducted a stupid fake play of me apologizing to Lisa, I just wish some of them would pull me aside afterwards and ensure if I was okay. How about Lisa’s father? He was the only people with enough influence to can actually knock some sense into that bitch. Granted, he was nice to me throughout, but still, where was he?

Hi Maureen, thanks for sharing.

It’s funny how we can recognize that holding a grudge is a bad thing yet we still allow ourselves to be dragged into it whenever we’re faced with a specific situation, isn’t it? I know I have to let go, move on, and Lisa and her family is now as far removed as they can be from my life but I still allow them to affect my life in some ways. I realize how pathetic that is, truly pathetic, yet sometimes I can’t help it. I’m getting there, though. I think bit by bit I’m chipping away this unbelievably unnecessary mental blocking, hopefully I can be totally free of this grudge one day.

Happy Christmas to you, too!

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I truly do wanna get better. I usually cope with my lack of male figure by fantasizing about this other life of me where they exist, it provides me with an instant relief but not sure whether it’s healthy in the long run.

I haven’t mustered up enough courage to see a therapist, I’m always worried when I interact with others. I’d read too much into things: “he doesn’t treat my problems with regards”, “he’s too nice”, “he’s indifferent” Basically, it’s a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation.

Daddy issues mean low self-esteem, and I think people who experience low self-esteem can vouch for me how daunting a simple interaction such as calling someone could be. I’d over-think it afterwards. “did I sound too eager? too aloof? was I too nice? too arrogant?” it goes on and on and on. Everyday, I remind myself to be less neurotic, negative encounters don’t mean a rejection of myself as a person. Likewise, positive encounters need not be feared. Most of the time, they’re just what they are: encounters.