Hi Beebop,

Ah, to be 28 again… I imagine the things I would change and do better a second time around, but unfortunately that’s not the way it works. You’ve got a lot on your plate it would seem, but in actuality you only really have one thing to worry about. What makes you happy? What fulfills you and gives your life value?

Let’s break it down. You quit your old job for a new job. The old job paid better, but you enjoy the new job more. A new job might pay more, but it may not be as satisfying. So, ask yourself, what’s more important to you and your happiness, and that’s completely up to you. Sometimes life just isn’t fair and you don’t get to have both things you want i.e. fun job AND good pay, so it’s up to you to decide which is more important for the time being and roll with it. The main thing is that life is not static, so what ever you “settle” for right now can be absolutely okay while you continue along your path and wait for or create new opportunities for yourself.

Are money and material things really that important? Look at the society of consumers we’ve become, always spending and acquiring new stuff. Take a long hard look at all of your own stuff. How much of it do you really need? Does it make you happy? I’d say sort through your things once, really decide if these things are things you need to be happy. The stuff you need, you keep and treasure, the stuff you don’t, you sell and use the money for happiness, maybe it’ll add up to enough to get started on that baby you’re not all too sure about…

Speaking of that baby, again, will it make you happy and enrich your life, and are you and your partner prepared to meet the happiness and enrichment needs of a little one? If so, go for it, if not, pets are always a nice alternative to paying for college tuition…

Creativity? Are you an artist? I am. I paint and I write, and it’s the same for all of us. We like to call it a block or lack of inspiration, but do you know what it really is? Laziness! If you depended on your craft to feed you like you do your job, you’d be at it every day! Creativity is like a muscle, and if we neglect it, it gets weak, and it gets sore if we try to use it again. Make yourself paint or write, or whatever at least for a few minutes every day! You’ll notice it gets easier, and your art will get better, and it won’t feel nearly as tedious after awhile.

You’re not trapped, you’re just living, and sometimes it’s amazing, and sometimes it’s pure hell…

wishing you peace and health,
Ramone

Hi Kaynah,

In your first post you mentioned two very important words “gaslighting” and “manipulation”. Also I’m seeing other signs that you are being “love bombed” and subjected to the “silent treatment”. These are all classic techniques of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Dealing with a narc can be extremely challenging and most professionals suggest adopting no-contact. Unfortunately for you, you have to maintain some contact because of your mutual child. This makes it very difficult and your narc ex knows this. I’ve been dealing with my narc ex since last February and we have two children together, so I know what you’re going through. Narcs also have a way of breaking us down over time to the point where we as empaths we become dependent on them through trauma bonding. It’s almost an addiction to that person where we gave up ourselves and put all of our happiness into pleasing them and loving them. When they go, it destroys us and we’re willing to do almost anything to get them back. This is where the back and forth game starts. They come back over and over because we’re an easy source of narcissistic supply. Do a little research on narcissism and co dependency. I wouldn’t be surprised if you see your entire story played out before your eyes…

Wishing you well, we’re all in this together!
Ramone

Hi Phillip,

You can’t convince someone else to do something they are unsure of. I know right now that youre feelings and your heart are controlling your thought processes and basically screaming at you to try to explain things to her about how you want to change and work on things to improve your relationship and keep her. The problem is that it just doesn’t work that way. She wants time and space to figure herself out and there’s nothing you can do to speed up the process of her doing so. I know it sucks! I’m right there with you… What you do need to do is to take this time and actually work on yourself. Improve as a man. Find out why you react to disagreements with yelling, and fix it. Work on yourself mentally and physically. Exercise, meditate, read, and grow. It will make you more well rounded and more attractive, and when she is ready she may see your improvements and rekindle her attraction to you. Don’t rush, don’t force, don’t be clingy and needy… all these are mistakes that we make that repel instead of attract. Hang in there, it’s tough, and there are always days that feel like absolute hell and you want to lose your resolve. It may or may not work out, but anything you do to improve yourself will stay with you no matter the outcome of your relationship with her…

Ramone

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by RamoneJoseph.

fazc,

I know what you’re feeling. I’m doing it too. I lost my GF three weeks ago after she said she needed time to work on her own issues. She told me she loved me even as she was telling me she couldn’t continue our relationship, and has even told me since that she still loves me, but we’re still apart and there’s no way of knowing if she’ll be back… The pain is excruciating at times, and I’ve fallen into much of what you’ve described: loss of motivation, no appetite, feeling like I’m neglecting those around me, obsessing, overthinking, anxiety attacks, etc. etc…. My advice is to let yourself feel like shit! This really hurts and the pain is real!!! So allow yourself to feel bad. You’re going to feel bad because you’ve experienced a loss, and it’s okay to hurt. It’s normal, it’s natural, it would be messed up if you didn’t feel bad about losing your love. The next step, and it’s the one I’m struggling with is to focus and regain control. Right now I find myself consciously controlling my breathing to alleviate panic attacks during the day. I’m teaching myself to meditate and purposely push away my anxiety. I tell myself that I love myself, even though I may not really feel it sometimes. I force myself to the gym, or to do artwork, or to be with friends and family. Right now every day seems to be without purpose, but I’m trying to nibble little pieces of peace out of each new day and hope that the next will be just a little better. Don’t rush yourself, and don’t expect too much too soon. We’re like addicts recovering from this love that we had and it’s a process that sucks so bad, but I know if I can do this, so can you!

Ramone