Thank you very much, Kindle. It’s been a struggle that’s seemed to trigger a depression that hasn’t gotten much better since it happened, so I will definitely check out Jerry Wise.

You’d suggest this, anita?

I did as you suggested. I still feel the tightness in my chest and almost nausea in my stomach. Still am not eating very much and it’s fatiguing me. Last night I did ok at pushing her aside in my head and I woke up feeling ok knowing I was able to do that, assuming I could do it again today. I haven’t been able to, and she’s been on the forefront of my mind again.

I’ve began looking into assertiveness training videos and lectures. Something I practiced today was walking my dog, and holding friendly eye contact with everyone that passes until they look away first, and smiling at the women. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it’d be, and it motivated me to continue doing it.

The second girl that i took on a date finally reached back out and I set up a second date for tonight. 3 hours before, she canceled saying her children were dropped off and she didn’t have a baby sitter. She agreed to a later date in this week though.

Today again was hard in terms of the first girl. I woke up and she entered my mind again after about 5 seconds of being awake, and it immediately upset me tremendously, as I knew that that’s where she’d stay all day. And that’s exactly what happened-I haven’t been able to get her off my mind.

I jogged for the first time today for about an hour and a half. It made me feel better, but I realized that my wallet had escaped my pocket, and I’d lost it. I eventually found the wallet, but with $500 of my rent gone from it. It’s beginning to feel like I’m being punished for things I’ve never done- when i try being as good a person to others as i can be every day of my life.

No, I can’t say I’ve ever really been embarressed of my mother. I think as I’ve aged I’ve kind of grown proud of her to be able to take on the task of working long hours at a hard job while raising children as a single mother.

Moving away at a young age wasn’t particularly by choice. I live in Southern Louisiana, and there was a hurricane in 2005 that destroyed our house, and I ended up living in a temporary fema trailer for afew years afterwards while my mom was living with her new husband.

My relationship now with her is good. We try to visit at least once a week when she comes over for coffee, and we see and talk to each other pretty regularly.

I think that may be it exactly Anita. I think my soul has been yearning for the connection her and I had that night, and although I knew I wanted it, I didn’t realize how much until she produced it, then took it away so abruptly. And with a night filled with ideas for the future, being dropped into the same exact place filled with loneliness the next day crushed me. Getting a taste of what we shared that night, coming back to this place is dreadful.

I felt I’d be over in a week. Then two weeks. And that’s where I’m at now. And of course, I cried pretty hard before walking into my house after work today over this. The weekend starts for me on Thursday evenings, and before even coming inside, I can see the weekend is going to be filled with me agonizing over this for the full 3 days. Like a dark cloud over anything I decide to try doing to get my mind off of it.

I got what would have been considered a “jackpot”. A good date followed by hooking up. But here I sit, fully consumed by thoughts of this girl I went on a SINGLE date with, and absolutely hating every minute of my life. (I’m sorry if I’m sounding too depressing. I know people in my current state can be sickening to talk to and hear from)

I’m trying very hard to adopt the mindset of “just move on. It was 1 date!”. But being a relatively shy guy that has difficulties with confidence, I guess I have a really hard time shifting into that “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” frame of mind when meeting women (especially in my 30s), when I have such a hard time getting out of the house, and introducing myself to ANYone, but especially attractive women. It’s like all I’m filled with are feelings of regret for missing the only opportunity I’d be granted in a long, long time.

And regarding the question relating to me childhood: there’s so much before the age of about 16 that I just remember. I remember some big events, and small bits and pieces of things, but generally I can’t recall most of my childhood. Off of the top of my head, the only 2 real things I can remember in regards to good memories as the whole family would be one time when my parents were on the couch together and me and my sister laying on the floor all watching a movie. The second would be on a Sunday morning in their bed,  my dad playing with my sister and me playing with my mom.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Josh.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Josh.

1. I can only honestly remember my father physically disciplining us once by wiping us with a belt. We weren’t typically bad children that required much discipline outside of a verbal warning occasionally. And my mother stood by my dad’s discipline, as to not show they were on separate “teams”. I never felt abused growing up by either parent. Although my dad, struggling heavily with alcoholism, definitely took alot of anger out on my mother physically. Both my sister and I had witnessed that afew times. Physically and verbally. Occasionally we’d hear the physical violence going on in their bedroom. I will say that at a young age (maybe about 10) after seeing my dad physically assaulting his new girlfriend, after me and my sister ran and hid, I promised my sister then that I’d never turn out like my dad, and never get as angry as him. I remember that very vividly. And I think my dedication to that promise has robbed me of alot of my manhood- pulling me in a direction to vow that masculinity and to be anything like my father was dangerous.

2. Typically after the fights, my mom was naturally very upset. But I don’t recall anything her saying burying itself in me. I knew what was going on, and from where she was saying those things emotionally. While divorced and her raising us, she wasn’t fond of him at all for his lack of help in raising us financially. She did well at keeping it pretty quite in front of us, but occasionally she might let something slip out of frustration, but never anything too demeaning. She was very adult about the situation, now that I’m looking back.

And in terms of my dating life and the most recent date. I did tell my date from last night that I had a great time, and that I’d like seeing her again, but I haven’t heard back from her. Ironically though, it hasn’t had much of an effect on me. My focus of today has gradually been pulled back to the original girl from last week that ghosted me. Although the woman I went out with last night seemed more mature, was more attractive, and less forward in her emotions. I felt like I had a far deeper connection with the previous date. On a chemistry level, and an emotional level. Granted- I do realize that this may have been a ruse put on by her in an attempt for her to get what she wants, emotionally detatched from our engagements. While I, typically very guarded and slow to open to anyone on an emotional level, was made vulnerable by her aggressive methods.

Of course, I can’t blame her for this. She’s doing what’s natural to her at the moment, and she was only acting how she felt, as was I. And it’s not her fault, or her problem that I react the way that I do to any hint of an emotional connection after being single and lonely for the past 2 years.

All that being said- would you advise against trying to reconnect with her from my end? In some friendly way of reaching out, saying something to the effect of “I thought we had a good date personally, but if for whatever reason you didn’t, or you felt any specific way about it, that’s fine. I think we got along great, and had alot in common and could at least remain friends”? Thanks, Anita