Anita

Thank you for your reply.

I do believe you have my best interest in mind, the reflections you’ve provided have always been helpful for me to further my insight into myself. I realize the boy in me wants nothing to do with my mother or father, and that I make excuses why I have to continue to interact with them. I realize by spending time with them I am robbing myself of time that could be spent living the life I want and finding ways to get my needs met. Thank you for being patient with me. The most difficult part is missing my sister, sometimes there is a part of me who wished she would’ve refused to take my mom in after her divorce. If there’s one thing i’ve learned about people through my work in social services, it’s that people will figure out how to survive, my sister was sucked into my moms victimhood believing she was incapable of taking care of herself. I look at myself and I have been selfish since leaving home at 18, i’ve been selfish because I gave up so much of myself taking care of my parents for so long. My mom wouldn’t even think twice about ever asking to live with me, but she knew she could manipulate my sisters guilt (empathy abuse as you called it) and live with her. I digress. You’re right though it will eventually take zero contact between my parents for me to feel better. Hopefully this happens sooner than later. Everytime i think my parents are changing they do something to let me down once again. In this way I am insane, doing the same thing expecting a different result.

Speaking of avoiding insanity, I met a woman who took interest in me, and she seems emotionally healthy. As difficult as it may be i’m committed to building emotional intimacy with her slowly before getting physical. It will take self control and thinking ahead to what i really want to accomplish, but i’m so over my self-destruction at this point. I want something different for a change.

Anita

Thank you for reply, your concern, and thoughtfulness about my life it really helps me begin to feel as i’m worthy of love because of the effort you put forth in these posts. Thank you.

The more i practice mindfulness and daily meditation, the more dreams i have at night. I have been noticing heavy themes in my dreams, the most prevalent being myself trying to earn love in one way or another, whether it be through protecting others, helping, or some kind of achievement.

To your point of making contact with who i was before depression i have been so hungry for that lately, especially as I’ve reduced my substance usage. It has made me aware that it is difficult for me to be playful or lighthearted without substances. I’ve also noticed wanting to feel various emotions but having difficulty accessing them. I’m not nearly as depressed as i once was because through the work i’ve done on myself i was able to access some of those buried emotions, though I have a sense as if there’s some serious grief that needs to be accessed and my ego keeps trying to do it’s best to protect me from seeing whats there. It has been frustrating to say the least, i have an intuitive feeling that is where my relief lies, in accessing and feeling that pain.

My hope is that through continued mindfulness practice, I might be able to shine some light on what’s been repressed and grieve. Through my own discovery last year I fell in love with skateboarding again, something that has been near to my heart since i was a child. I remember being 4 years old and getting my first board, one of my earliest memories. I cherished that board so much it felt like freedom. I’m so glad i found my lost obsession for skateboarding again last year, it is pure joy, and brings out the childlike playfulness and creativity i greatly miss. I’ve left the skatepark a few times with tears in my eyes the past couple months happy that i found something i love enough in this world to get me excited to get out of bed, all while connecting with that boy who couldn’t wait to get out of school to go skate. I want nothing more than to be close to that boy again. I agree with everything you said, he is the portal to my joy. My strong inner critic doesn’t want him to be seen, I hope i can figure out how to find him?

Anita

Exactly. My parents gave lip service to love though I did not experience what it actually felt like. I can remember countless times being left at school on days when my dad was supposed to pick me up. One time I was left at the bus stop for 2-3 hours when I was in grade school waiting for my dad to pick me up. The crossing guard waited with me thankfully. But that memory still hurts to this day. My mom was more reliable to at least be there physically, but other than that she was emotionally unavailable for me.

I suppose had my parents practically loved me as a child they would’ve been concerned with my emotions. Also their love wouldn’t have been conditional on whether I was being obedient and high performing. I remember having an emotional breakdown on the pitchers mound at a baseball game in little league because too many people were telling me to do too many different things. I asked for a substitute and my dad got angry with me after the game for “being a quitter” despite being the best player on the team, and a reluctant leader through my character it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I needed to know I was enough so badly, I remember my aunts and uncles were always so proud of me and to this day always greet me with a smile of gratitude. I can’t say the same for my mom, last time I saw her she was too busy being depressed to greet me with affection, not that I expect it anyway.

While it is helpful to reflect on my relationship with my parents, I’m at a point where I just don’t care to much to talk about it anymore, I know I didn’t get what I needed and it makes me upset and I’m okay with that now, I’m relieved at this point that I no longer have to bear the burden of confusion of why I feel unlovable. Now my challenge is how to feel lovable no matter what my life circumstances may be. My confidence comes and goes, feelings of lovabilty fade quickly when they arise, and are usually externally dependent. I desperately want to feel loveable internally, no matter what. I reached a conclusion while thinking about this last night during a sweat lodge that no matter what i do, I cannot make myself any more lovable than I am or always have been. It is not some dependent variable as if life was a science experiment that depended on the right inputs to get love. It frustrates me to no end that I keep trying to accomplish and achieve to gain love just as I did my whole childhood. There is something in my heart that has been asking me to surrender to my pain lately, it’s coming in dreams, in my thoughts, and manifests in physical discomfort when I come into contact with women. I don’t want to try anymore. I just want to be okay with being who I am, and all the baggage that comes with it.

Anita,

Thank you for your reply.

Lately I have been having car troubles, and phone troubles. I had to buy a new phone unexpectedly and a few hundred dollars in tools and car parts. While work is starting to pick up for me and im getting more clients every week money is still tight. All that to say most of the anger I’m feeling at the moment is towards my father for the way he’s been treating my sister, which lead me to completely shutting that relationship off. Not that we had been close, but I still would ask to use his garage from time to time, which i also put countless work hours in all kinds of weather to help build. So this time around I just did the work in my sisters driveway.

What makes me mad, pardon my language is that my dad is such an asshole, and easily manipulated by people. Long story short he basically wont allow my sister over the house to see him without an appointment because of his new girlfriend. While i had given up on my dad being a father years ago my sister was still holding out and it’s tearing her apart to realize my dad is a shitty person. So once again im angry with him because he continues to hurt people i care about, though in the long run i knew my sister would eventually have to come to grips with the reality of my parents so in some ways im glad she’s finally grieving the loss of her expectations of our dad to be a parent.

I also continue to find myself angry with society, for the damage i see harmful ideologies causing to people, myself included. I find myself angry with myself for a number of reasons, but mainly for continuing to not to love myself (i know it’s paradoxical and silly but its the truth) and continuing to long for friendships and romance. I’m angry and frustrated with myself because I find myself dissatisfied with life because of what i don’t have (mainly close relationships) even though i know i need to be grateful for the people i do have. I feel like i’m constantly getting in my own way, and i’m judgmental towards myself for needing people at all.

Happy new year to you as well Anita!

My goal for this year is to work on my mental/emotional health and learn peace. I’m starting off by having a sober January and I’ve got some friends and family to join in as well. I want my relationship with pain to change this year. I’m tired of the chaos and it has to stop.

In response to your previous post, I agree wholeheartedly my expectation of love is unreasonable, I remember daydreaming constantly as a child in school, and at home about being loved, and that child is still in me stuck chasing that daydream. You suggested I was looking for a thrill or emotional roller coaster ride a few weeks back and I couldn’t agree more. I’m serious about getting myself together, I really feel as if I have no other choice, I can see the outcome if I stay on this path of thrill seeking and living in a false reality. I’m honestly excited about learning calmness. Also, I hope love might be more boring, or calm than what I’ve had in the past, because that would mean something new which probably will mean healthier too.

I’ve been wrestling with the idea that I just want security and something to attach to. I know the Buddhist would say attachment is the cause of suffering. So I’m hoping to learn to let go of expectations, and grasping so hard for what might not ever be there.

Anita

So then what to do with this desperate feeling? Or rather how to soothe the desperation? I’m trying to be patient and find peace of mind, it may be a lifelong struggle I suppose, maybe the need to feel love is just my burden to bear in this life. I sure hope that there is hope that one day love might be more accessible to me when I need it. Again i am grateful for people like you and my therapist who feel like an endless well of compassion towards me, I’m glad you’re here for me and the others on this forum. i can function in this misery and hopelessness, even help others from this place, but I’d rather not. I’d rather live with peace and love

Anita

i am ok, I drove back home today because I have a full day of clients to see tomorrow. I went to the skatepark for a couple hours, and it really helps distract me and keep me present. I’m so grateful for skateboarding, it gives me something to look forward to. My least favorite part is having to leave, Knowing that I’m going home to be alone with my emotional pain again.

i don’t want you to be concerned for me. I will live. I’m just not sure it will ever not feel like a drag. I want so desperately to be held, and seen or heard, but I don’t know how get these things, I try and will continue to try it just hurts running into so much failure in relationships with people and is very discouraging and confusing. It is difficult without good support. I’m glad I have this forum and my therapist, unfortunately that feels like about all the support I really have these days. My roommate won’t pay me any real attention she just wants to fix me, my sister doesn’t understand, my other friends are flaky and generally unavailable, so when I’m sad I’m the only witness, I just wish for someone else to see me so I don’t feel so alone.

I feel like I’m not going anywhere sometimes with my health, like there is no peace out there to be had. It all just feels so painfully repetitive. I feel broken is the best way I can describe it, or hopeless.