When I say I am concerned I meant because you are a helper, and you always show up for people. From being a helper myself I know showing up is half the battle, I just don’t see how you do it, how you take on so many peoples problems on a daily basis and keep coming back. I understand it is up to those you help to help themselves ultimately, which is the mind state I have to have doing therapy with people or else I’ll get attached  to their outcomes which is dangerous, but it still happens if I’m not being mindful.

I’m just so tired of my parents taking up my precious mental energy anymore which I need for myself more than ever at the moment, my sister will have a breakdown every now and then too, but she never changes anything, I refuse. I think it’s time to detach.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by noname.

Anita

I am absolutely willing to try whatever you throw my way! I have the utmost respect for you and your opinions given how many people you’ve helped on this site from a distance, and your responsiveness. I often find myself genuinely concerned for your well being, a person I’ve never met in the flesh, yet comes across so warm, loving, and brutally honest, seemingly never burnt out on helping either. I aspire to be a person with those qualities one day.

in regards to my location I don’t want to say in this thread since I have discussed so many private matters in this thread and it would be easy to identify me off my first name and race. But let’s say I’m in the Midwest. Not quite the culture of the Deep South, yet still quite segrated by income and race where I live. I would be happy to private message you.

i Don’t complain about racism too much though I feel it daily, especially when I leave my city and come back. When I go to New York City I don’t think about my race as much as people are more used to anomalies like myself. When visiting Dominican Republic a few years ago I literally forgot I was black until the returning flight home back to this hell hole of hatred I call amerikkka. Even some other professionals in my field treat complaints of racial discrimination as some sort of cognitive distortion, when it is a reality for many of us. I try to live my life in a way where people can see just because I am black have tattoos all over my forearms, wear my hats backwards sometimes that I am not what they think I am. It is exhausting, but has allowed me to see the truth of the society I live in for all the suffering people of the non-majority go through, and I’ll be a better therapist because of it.

…back to the matter at hand, really what I am seeking here and in my therapy is how to get out of my own way and get my need for love & belonging met. Feeling worthless does not send out the most positive attractive energy to others and I have doubt has become a self fulfilling prophecy for me. Why would I be motivated to ask for love if I feel I truly don’t deserve it? I’m working on this distorted belief and have made tons of progress but still have a ways to go.

When I go to coffee shops or bars I want to feel as if I could start a conversation with someone because I have gifts for them, instead I tell myself out of habit “they don’t want to talk to you, they’re probably afraid of you, what do you have to offer them anyway?” The times when I’ve silenced this inner critic and had the courage to call myself to action have always rewarded me. Part of the negative voice is my parents in me, part of it is societal fear of brown skin, part of it is my own scared inner child running the show. I forget to take care of him and comfort him, writing this now is a reminder I too have been neglecting him the way others have.

I agree i absolutely need to change this incorrect belief about myself that I am worthless, the question is how?

I went to see my therapist today. We talked about a lot of important topics, the most important was this topic of self worth. He showed me a picture of his daughter and told me she and the rest of the children in the world need my gifts. I responded that even if i know cognitively people need me that i don’t feel it. To that he responded with a concept from Carl Jung about living “as if”. He told me to live as if i believed it to be true. After he told me that i began to cry, it really hit me in that moment how much I’ve lost hope for myself to be anything other than worthless, how hard I’ve tried to prove it to others all the while not proving it to myself. I’m not even sure what it means for me to live as if i’m worthy it feels so foreign to my thoughts and my heart.

I know the weed and liquor has kept me from dealing with this issue. I smoke weed not because i enjoy the euphoria so much, rather Its because of want i don’t want. I don’t want to be fully aware of all my sorrows and pain. I don’t have dreams when i smoke which i like because i get to ignore my subconscious. For example the dream i had last night was so amazing that when i woke up i immediately felt sad. The themes of the dream were belonging, intimacy, and fun. The things i know i deeply desire but try to ignore out of lack of the skills to get those needs filled.

This is where im at right now, no longer trying to escape my unmet needs, instead im going to pay attention to them, i just dont know how to hold and care for them. How does one care for the need of belonging, sex, and validation alone? i dont think i can do it on my own. I’ve hit my limit of being a loner.

We haven’t discussed that role to my knowledge. Since breaking up with my first girlfriend 4 years ago now I have gradually become more distant whenever I meet women. the length of time of the relationships i’ve been involved since my first girlfriend have steadily declined from 5-6months, 3 months, 1 month, 3 weeks, 1 week, and a couple one-nighters. My thoughts on this is I have lost hope and either don’t give people a chance or feel that a relationship is hopeless so I put no effort into the women I’ve met after we’ve had sex. I also don’t trust any of the women i’ve met since my first girlfriend, even if they have given me no reason not to trust them I know how desperate people are for love and feel that women will cheat and lie to get what they want from me or whoever. To make matters worse because i know pain so well, i see pain clearly in others and it scares me, i ask myself if this person is hurting so much how can i trust them to be there for me and be honest.

When I meet a woman they typically are impressed with my work ethic, talents, vulnerability (to an extent), and independence. They see me as some sort of savior, as the perfect man they’ve been looking for. I of course do not see myself for my best qualities and this scares me when others see me better than i see myself because i feel i will inevitably let them down and fail them somehow. This is when all my insecurities surface and I regress back to my childish games. I’ll either cut things off quickly to try to avoid the pain of becoming attached again and being let down later, or i will sabotage it somehow by telling them how awful of a person i am because i have so many issues.

Here’s where things get interesting. Every woman i’ve been with has told me i was either the best sex they ever had or right up there. I’ve learned why, its not because i’m some kind of supermodel man or something but its because i am selfless and %100 of my focus is on them, I rarely finish during sex but make sure they finish every time. I put all my emotional energy into it, and make sure the other person feels safe and fully accepted by me. This is a very crude way of trying to get that same attention reciprocated which doesn’t happen the way i want it to. My favorite part of sex is pillow talk, and cuddling. It’s the moments where i feel close to someone sex is just my means of getting there. It works to an extent, the problem is that care and attention doesn’t often get reciprocated back and i might as well be their therapist too, because the focus of the care is exclusively on them.

What got me excited about this last woman is that she quickly noticed my flaws and vulnerabilities that most women don’t. Shes also a little bit older than me (33) which i like because she’s more mature, but shes very busy taking care of kids and doesnt really have too much time for me. My thought is always “if i can take care of this person maybe they wont leave this time” sound familiar

Thank you for you’re reply

i had typed a long response but it did not post. In short I have read enough research on mental illness,  gene expression, and neurotransmitters to determine that i absolutely have a reuptake issue with either the both norepinephrine or serotonin. The reason I have avoided ssri’s is mainly because I saw firsthand the effects that they had on my mother growing up, and the few times I have tried them the side effects were too much for me, lastly I’m not doing everything I possibly can to fight depression. For example I’m drinking too much, smoking too much weed, not exercising regularly, not meditating, not eating well, etc.

Having been well for a period of about 4-6months at one point a few years ago when I was doing everything in my power to get well is the evidence I use against medication for myself. I do agree that medication should be used as a tool when someone’s life prevents them from controlling the controllables. I have no excuse except fear.

Yesterday I had a bad episode. The backstory is I met a woman last weekend at a bar we talked for hours and we had sex that night and the next night. We even went out on a lunch date this past week. However I wasn’t able to see her this weekend because she was working and busy. Feeling let down my mind always tells me if I were a more worthy person than she would’ve figured out a way to see me. Completely irrational. But, this is the thought process I have when I can’t get my needs met, and I clearly have attachment issues that feed into this thinking. I get addicted to women very quickly I try to keep it in check but of course having sex early on always confuses things and keeps the “relationship” going. So instead of just being patient and saying to myself oh well guess I’ll see her later when she has time I tell her it’s not going to work out, then I go back and forth playing games in what I think is my attempt at getting someone to chase me so that I feel needed/worthy.

I ended up being drunk all weekend and yesterday morning had a drunken breakdown and Texted my two friends and had them come over and take all my alcohol and watch me finish off all the rest of the weed I had. It was the first time I’ve asked for help in what seems like a couple years. I don’t know why I try to convince myself that no one cares about me and that I’m worthless. This thinking keeps me from asking for help, and keeps me guarded, keeps me safe in my lonely fortress.

I feel I am at a crossroads in my life. I’m providing therapy for people while feeling worthless at the same time, it’s difficult for me to sell a product When i don’t believe in it. I can either try harder and toughen up and go through the pain of experiencing all of my difficult emotions, or continue on the path I’m on which is leading me back to the darkness. I feel I have nothing to look forward to in life. I don’t feel worthy of being needed or loved by anyone, and on top of it all I don’t know where to start looking for answers to help me find my value.

Anita

Thanks for thinking of me!

Ive hesitated to cut ties with my parents mainly because I needed help through grad school, I wouldn’t have restarted contact with my dad if I didn’t need to buy a car from him, unfortunately when I started seeing him again in my moms mind it meant all is well and opened the door even more for her to try to “keep her family together” since we were all tolerating eachother again. I’m more ready to cut contact now that I’ve graduated and hopefully won’t need any financial help within a month or two. I know this needs to happen, I couldn’t sleep much last night thinking about it and now I’m angry that my parents childish ways have yet again disrupted my peace. This reminds of something my mom said the other day that our lives “are always full of drama” and I yelled back at her she’s part of the creation of the drama by having poor boundaries with an abuser. In a lot of ways I do the same thing complaining about the drama, but it only affects me if I remain attached. So In practicing what I preach I see it’s time to set my own boundaries and be healthy.

I’ve been letting fear run my life for too long. While I’ve made a huge amount of progress in my life, fear still seems to dominate a lot of my relationships. I’m always prepared to be let down by others but never prepared to be loved. I’ve reached a point where I simply can’t stand to let fear keep winning. I’m a deeply lonely man I’m lucky to get minutes of someone’s undivided attention per week. But I’m at a point now where I don’t want “luck” to have anything to do with my  well being. I’m so afraid to ask for help or ask for love, it’s always felt like a losing battle. However I know if I don’t figure it out fast I’m not going to last as a therapist despite my skills. I am the only single person out of all of my friends, every single one. It often feels like there must be something unlovable about me, and it’s really hard for me to get out of that mind state all  by myself.

Mill be moving into the house ive been living behind in August with my friend I met last year in school. I’m excited because she’s also a therapist, and we’re very supportive of eachother. It will also be nice to not live alone anymore. Even though my old roommate was very introverted it was nice to know someone was there if I absolutely needed it, and my new roommate is very extroverted and vulnerable so I  think socially it will be good for me. My hope is that I can one day look back at all the time I spent alone suffering with my pain, and be grateful that I made it through, and that I learned how to be strong because of it.

Anita

Thanks for your last reply. I have been feeling more balanced, grateful, worthy, confident, and self loving for the past couple months. My depression has gotten so much more manageable. Ive been tracking my mood closely In January I spent 4days depressed this month I’ve only spent 2 days depressed. When I say I spent the day depressed I mean I didn’t leave my house. It’s strange because the days when I’m not depressed I’m usually either feeling decent or really good, my low grade sadness seems to be subsiding a bit. I’ll still be struggling financially for a couple more months but I graduate in less than 60days so I can see the light so to speak.

I’ve realized when I choose to be mindful, vulnerable, and grateful that it really inspires and attracts other people to me. I feel loved and cared for, and you have been a huge part of that caring for the past year or so. I’m so excited I’m doing a little better and feeling more confident despite my circumstances not having changed much.

Have a wonderful morning!

Hello again Anita,

I hope all is well with you. Thank you for your holiday wishes.

I am grateful to be back at my apartment after last week. Being around my family for 2 weeks helped me raise awareness about some of my feelings about them and myself. To answer your question I suppose I do pity them for having me as a son. I see myself as needy and it’s true I am in need. I dont attach too strongly to that belief anymore in the context of my parental relationship though it is still present at times, but most often I notice this feeling of “neediness” which is closely tied to my feelings of worthlessness and unlovability in platonic or romantic relationships.

This judgment of myself as needy, worthless, and unlovable is why I’m still posting here, & still going to group therapy. I’m becoming afraid of myself again, I want to be clear though I am not suicidal and not threatening it either. Though yesterday after I got home from internship and class around 2pm I just broke down, some of my classmates invited me to lunch since we got out early. I declined because I had in my mind these thoughts exactly “they don’t actually like you, their just being nice, you’re going to do or say something stupid and ruin it for everybody, best you get away from people as quickly as possible so you dont end up causing problems” while at home I began downward spiral that went on close to midnight, I ate 2 bananas for dinner because I was too beat to cook or leave the house. I smoked, drank, & cried the rest of the night, lying in my bed wondering what I’m doing wrong that I cant be loved. I had the very specific urge to cut myself which hasn’t happened in almost a year, the longest I’ve went without physical self harm since a teenager. This was very alarming since I havent had such a feeling in a long time despite continued episodes of depression. I noticed this urge arise when i felt i had exercised all of my self-soothing attempts, which meant to me what I’m doing is not working well, obviously.

I finally texted my friend close to 11pm just to check on her. When she called I told her I just wanted to hear someone else’s voice, someone else’s problems. I didn’t want to talk about myself because I see it as a waste of time at this point. Even though she says it’s okay if I need to talk to her and to call anytime, i just cant because she is the only confidant i have at the present moment, and I’m afraid if I push her away then I’ll truly be without support with the exception of you and my therapist. While it is true I have other friends who care about she is the only one who I feel comfortable enough to call or text anytime. I dont want to abuse that though, as I feel like a burden, similar to my childhood.

I’m so lost right now, I want some relief but cant find it anywhere. My initial reaction to this is that I need closer connections with people. It seems ill start to get close with someone and then it fades. Ultimately I dont think I require much to be content, just 10mins a day of someone’s undivided attention would probably do, I just dont know how to make that happen. I am grateful for you Anita and my therapist because otherwise I dont know how I could get someone to care for me.