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nonameParticipant
When I say I am concerned I meant because you are a helper, and you always show up for people. From being a helper myself I know showing up is half the battle, I just don’t see how you do it, how you take on so many peoples problems on a daily basis and keep coming back. I understand it is up to those you help to help themselves ultimately, which is the mind state I have to have doing therapy with people or else I’ll get attached to their outcomes which is dangerous, but it still happens if I’m not being mindful.
I’m just so tired of my parents taking up my precious mental energy anymore which I need for myself more than ever at the moment, my sister will have a breakdown every now and then too, but she never changes anything, I refuse. I think it’s time to detach.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by noname.
nonameParticipantThank you,
since I posted this afternoon I have been talking with my sister about Father’s Day this weekend. She asked if I wanted to do anything then we got into a conversation about my parents again. Seems inescapable as much as I try to just be concerned with My own problems, this issue of continuing relationships with them keeps showing its head. I know it’s hurting me to keep faking relationships with both of them just for resources. It feels dishonest to me. My sister says she’s trying to forgive and give “second chances” I say we are enabling and have given 1000 chances. I love my sister so much and it’s so hard to have this disagreement about our parents with her. Somehow she’s always been able to kind of ignore her own emotions around it, my sister treats herself as a martyr I’m realizing as I used too. It’s just not healthy for me. Whenever I see or talk to my parents all of the trauma and disappointment are re ignited in my spirit. I just don’t understand how my sister can’t see it.
I think this is why I’ve been so stubborn about cutting contact, because I want support especially from my sister but won’t get it, she’s too “nice” she doesn’t see how she takes care of my mom even though she lives with her and is always coming to her for help and then continuing to complain. I think if I felt my parents were actually walking the walk of bettering themselves and taking their own healing seriously I would be ready to give them second chances, but their not doing it. If I fucked my kids up as bad as they did I would be writing letters and making phone calls apologizing until I caught carpel tunnel
nonameParticipantAnita
I am absolutely willing to try whatever you throw my way! I have the utmost respect for you and your opinions given how many people you’ve helped on this site from a distance, and your responsiveness. I often find myself genuinely concerned for your well being, a person I’ve never met in the flesh, yet comes across so warm, loving, and brutally honest, seemingly never burnt out on helping either. I aspire to be a person with those qualities one day.
in regards to my location I don’t want to say in this thread since I have discussed so many private matters in this thread and it would be easy to identify me off my first name and race. But let’s say I’m in the Midwest. Not quite the culture of the Deep South, yet still quite segrated by income and race where I live. I would be happy to private message you.
i Don’t complain about racism too much though I feel it daily, especially when I leave my city and come back. When I go to New York City I don’t think about my race as much as people are more used to anomalies like myself. When visiting Dominican Republic a few years ago I literally forgot I was black until the returning flight home back to this hell hole of hatred I call amerikkka. Even some other professionals in my field treat complaints of racial discrimination as some sort of cognitive distortion, when it is a reality for many of us. I try to live my life in a way where people can see just because I am black have tattoos all over my forearms, wear my hats backwards sometimes that I am not what they think I am. It is exhausting, but has allowed me to see the truth of the society I live in for all the suffering people of the non-majority go through, and I’ll be a better therapist because of it.
…back to the matter at hand, really what I am seeking here and in my therapy is how to get out of my own way and get my need for love & belonging met. Feeling worthless does not send out the most positive attractive energy to others and I have doubt has become a self fulfilling prophecy for me. Why would I be motivated to ask for love if I feel I truly don’t deserve it? I’m working on this distorted belief and have made tons of progress but still have a ways to go.
When I go to coffee shops or bars I want to feel as if I could start a conversation with someone because I have gifts for them, instead I tell myself out of habit “they don’t want to talk to you, they’re probably afraid of you, what do you have to offer them anyway?” The times when I’ve silenced this inner critic and had the courage to call myself to action have always rewarded me. Part of the negative voice is my parents in me, part of it is societal fear of brown skin, part of it is my own scared inner child running the show. I forget to take care of him and comfort him, writing this now is a reminder I too have been neglecting him the way others have.
nonameParticipantI have explored this topic of the importance of my parents to me as a child and how harmful the beliefs i held became. We explored the shame and guilt i felt from never being “good enough” for either one of them. I have explored this topic thoroughly in therapy, and ultimately the exploration of this topic is what led me out of my deepest depression. I’m not sure what else needs to happen in regards to this topic, and ill admit sometimes the suggestions you have made seem a bit to abstract for me to grasp on an emotional level, it’s not that i’m purposely dismissing your input, its just hard to put into mental practice especially when so much of it is deeply ingrained and unconscious. I am trying. I tend to be a concrete and overly rational thinker (like many people in the western world) which makes emotional/spiritual work difficult for me to grasp at times.
Outside of not having contact with my parents, which im obviously not putting the most effort into mainly for financial reasons at this point. (my mom is giving me divorce money, which i desperately need at this time while im building my caseload. I still use my dad’s garage which i put countless hours into help building years ago) I don’t feel guilty for using them for their resources anymore because in alot of ways i feel entitled to it, not to mention they were taking thousands in tax credits while i was in undergrad without telling me while acting like they were broke and i was working part time jobs to make ends meet. I have very little sympathy for them and don’t hesitate to call them out on their bullshit anymore.
Bottom line for me is that my self-worth and confidence feels like a more pressing issue to me at this time than worrying about my parents. I do however understand that my self-worth issues stem from my parents, and that i am consciously aware of. No im not perfect. Yes i kept my mom from doing something stupid on mothers day, which i should’ve just stayed out of. I regret it.
There are other factors contributing to my self-worth issues, alot of it has to do with this fucked up society we live in and being a black male within it. I work in the most affluent part of town where i find myself frequently the only black person in a variety of settings, white people look at me crazy every fucking day, like they are terrified, confused, and curious all at the same time. It’s a very alienating experience being me, and i have to be strong not to let it affect my self-worth on a daily basis.
I did alot of digging last week to remind myself of my worth in this life. It is difficult Anita please be patient with me as i try to understand the concrete steps i need to take towards healing
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by noname.
nonameParticipantI agree i absolutely need to change this incorrect belief about myself that I am worthless, the question is how?
I went to see my therapist today. We talked about a lot of important topics, the most important was this topic of self worth. He showed me a picture of his daughter and told me she and the rest of the children in the world need my gifts. I responded that even if i know cognitively people need me that i don’t feel it. To that he responded with a concept from Carl Jung about living “as if”. He told me to live as if i believed it to be true. After he told me that i began to cry, it really hit me in that moment how much I’ve lost hope for myself to be anything other than worthless, how hard I’ve tried to prove it to others all the while not proving it to myself. I’m not even sure what it means for me to live as if i’m worthy it feels so foreign to my thoughts and my heart.
I know the weed and liquor has kept me from dealing with this issue. I smoke weed not because i enjoy the euphoria so much, rather Its because of want i don’t want. I don’t want to be fully aware of all my sorrows and pain. I don’t have dreams when i smoke which i like because i get to ignore my subconscious. For example the dream i had last night was so amazing that when i woke up i immediately felt sad. The themes of the dream were belonging, intimacy, and fun. The things i know i deeply desire but try to ignore out of lack of the skills to get those needs filled.
This is where im at right now, no longer trying to escape my unmet needs, instead im going to pay attention to them, i just dont know how to hold and care for them. How does one care for the need of belonging, sex, and validation alone? i dont think i can do it on my own. I’ve hit my limit of being a loner.
nonameParticipantAnger is always my knee jerk emotional reaction when a women or even friend makes themselves unavailable to me. I then ask myself why am i angry? especially if the reason they are unavailable is legitimate. The anger is definitely a relived childhood experience with my mother, not available when i need her leading me to believe there was something wrong with me. If im thinking healthy ill say something to myself like “you’re upset because you’re not getting what you want immediately, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care or don’t want to see you” when i’m not in a healthy place my thinking goes like this “see i knew you were worthless, no one needs or wants you, nothing you can ever do will be good enough”
I think i’ve landed on my self-worth as the core issue I have to solve. Historically i have been motivated by feeling worthless, it’s what makes me keep my body in shape so that im worthy of being attractive, its what makes me want to take care of people, its what drove me to achieve everything in life thus far. Sometimes im amazed at the physical, mental, and career accomplishments i’ve made all why secretly hating myself every step of the way. I do well at pretending i love myself, few people have seen through the facade of accomplishment.
nonameParticipantWe haven’t discussed that role to my knowledge. Since breaking up with my first girlfriend 4 years ago now I have gradually become more distant whenever I meet women. the length of time of the relationships i’ve been involved since my first girlfriend have steadily declined from 5-6months, 3 months, 1 month, 3 weeks, 1 week, and a couple one-nighters. My thoughts on this is I have lost hope and either don’t give people a chance or feel that a relationship is hopeless so I put no effort into the women I’ve met after we’ve had sex. I also don’t trust any of the women i’ve met since my first girlfriend, even if they have given me no reason not to trust them I know how desperate people are for love and feel that women will cheat and lie to get what they want from me or whoever. To make matters worse because i know pain so well, i see pain clearly in others and it scares me, i ask myself if this person is hurting so much how can i trust them to be there for me and be honest.
When I meet a woman they typically are impressed with my work ethic, talents, vulnerability (to an extent), and independence. They see me as some sort of savior, as the perfect man they’ve been looking for. I of course do not see myself for my best qualities and this scares me when others see me better than i see myself because i feel i will inevitably let them down and fail them somehow. This is when all my insecurities surface and I regress back to my childish games. I’ll either cut things off quickly to try to avoid the pain of becoming attached again and being let down later, or i will sabotage it somehow by telling them how awful of a person i am because i have so many issues.
Here’s where things get interesting. Every woman i’ve been with has told me i was either the best sex they ever had or right up there. I’ve learned why, its not because i’m some kind of supermodel man or something but its because i am selfless and %100 of my focus is on them, I rarely finish during sex but make sure they finish every time. I put all my emotional energy into it, and make sure the other person feels safe and fully accepted by me. This is a very crude way of trying to get that same attention reciprocated which doesn’t happen the way i want it to. My favorite part of sex is pillow talk, and cuddling. It’s the moments where i feel close to someone sex is just my means of getting there. It works to an extent, the problem is that care and attention doesn’t often get reciprocated back and i might as well be their therapist too, because the focus of the care is exclusively on them.
What got me excited about this last woman is that she quickly noticed my flaws and vulnerabilities that most women don’t. Shes also a little bit older than me (33) which i like because she’s more mature, but shes very busy taking care of kids and doesnt really have too much time for me. My thought is always “if i can take care of this person maybe they wont leave this time” sound familiar
nonameParticipantThank you for your reply,
At times everything feels hopeless. I don’t exactly know how to let go of this pain. Getting close to people and being vulnerable feels so scary to me. I always tell myself I’ll do better next time I enter into any kind of relationship with people, I’m yet to do better. The feeling of separation anxiety from a person I’ve attached to even if i just met them is familiar and overwhelming. The same feeling I used to have as a child most of my waking hours.
Im not sure what exactly I should be working towards with healing from that pain of unavailable caregivers as a child. While I’m fully aware of it, fully aware when I’m acting irrational towards someone (especially in romance), fully aware of the familiarity of the pain, I still can’t quite change the immature childish way I seek help and connection through getting close to someone and then trying to run away.
You have been sending me the same message for quite some time now when I post here. I’m just unsure how exactly to start healing from my childhood, Most of the work I’ve done has been merely becoming aware of my past presenting itself in the present. Awareness is the first step, but I feel stuck there. Besides not reactivating that pain by talking to my parents, I’m lost how else to heal at this point. If I were a client of mine I would encourage the person to find community where their fears and vulnerabilities can be held and witnessed in safety, without judgment and with care. I don’t know if there’s any more you can tell me that you haven’t already on this topic. It’s obvious to me I’m longing for a person or people who I can feel safe sharing my wounds with, maybe that is the way to heal on a level that I haven’t in the past, through experience.
nonameParticipantThank you for you’re reply
i had typed a long response but it did not post. In short I have read enough research on mental illness, gene expression, and neurotransmitters to determine that i absolutely have a reuptake issue with either the both norepinephrine or serotonin. The reason I have avoided ssri’s is mainly because I saw firsthand the effects that they had on my mother growing up, and the few times I have tried them the side effects were too much for me, lastly I’m not doing everything I possibly can to fight depression. For example I’m drinking too much, smoking too much weed, not exercising regularly, not meditating, not eating well, etc.
Having been well for a period of about 4-6months at one point a few years ago when I was doing everything in my power to get well is the evidence I use against medication for myself. I do agree that medication should be used as a tool when someone’s life prevents them from controlling the controllables. I have no excuse except fear.
Yesterday I had a bad episode. The backstory is I met a woman last weekend at a bar we talked for hours and we had sex that night and the next night. We even went out on a lunch date this past week. However I wasn’t able to see her this weekend because she was working and busy. Feeling let down my mind always tells me if I were a more worthy person than she would’ve figured out a way to see me. Completely irrational. But, this is the thought process I have when I can’t get my needs met, and I clearly have attachment issues that feed into this thinking. I get addicted to women very quickly I try to keep it in check but of course having sex early on always confuses things and keeps the “relationship” going. So instead of just being patient and saying to myself oh well guess I’ll see her later when she has time I tell her it’s not going to work out, then I go back and forth playing games in what I think is my attempt at getting someone to chase me so that I feel needed/worthy.
I ended up being drunk all weekend and yesterday morning had a drunken breakdown and Texted my two friends and had them come over and take all my alcohol and watch me finish off all the rest of the weed I had. It was the first time I’ve asked for help in what seems like a couple years. I don’t know why I try to convince myself that no one cares about me and that I’m worthless. This thinking keeps me from asking for help, and keeps me guarded, keeps me safe in my lonely fortress.
I feel I am at a crossroads in my life. I’m providing therapy for people while feeling worthless at the same time, it’s difficult for me to sell a product When i don’t believe in it. I can either try harder and toughen up and go through the pain of experiencing all of my difficult emotions, or continue on the path I’m on which is leading me back to the darkness. I feel I have nothing to look forward to in life. I don’t feel worthy of being needed or loved by anyone, and on top of it all I don’t know where to start looking for answers to help me find my value.
nonameParticipantThank you for your response, and I agree with moving away from people who don’t love me or hurt me. I did visit home this past weekend because my sister had planned a graduation dinner for me. It was nice, and I left as soon as I could. It’s so hard for me to cut ties with my mom especially because I need my sister so much and it’s a package deal when I go visit because they live together. It’s going to be difficult to have no contact whatsoever with my mom, but at the least this weekend I didn’t give in to answering her calls for attention, I am learning to be indifferent towards her problems which has always been hard for me.
At the moment my mom is not high on my priority list of problems right now. When I’m home (my home not my hometown) I find myself falling depressed consistently. I start working this week so that should be a good distraction as I’ve been out of school for a couple weeks and have been spending lots of time alone during the day while most of my friends are working. I cried so hard yesterday and no one witnesses my pain. My friend came over last night to vent because he and his girlfriend got into an argument. He made me realize the grass isn’t always greener. Which is in a strange way comforting and also feels hopeless as it’s yet another reminder that we can be just as miserable in a relationship as we are alone.
With that being said I don’t have much I’m looking forward to. For the first time in my life I’ll be financially secure within a few months, which I’m grateful for but money doesn’t do much for me anymore besides ease my anxieties about survival. Then I ask myself what’s the point of survival if my life feels meaningless? Of course other people need me, and I’m happy to help most days, but I need someone too and friends have limits on how much they can fill my attachment needs. I’ve been in a state for the past couple of years of just waking up and doing whatever is required of me that day, without complaining and ignoring my needs, I suppressed my needs out of necessity to finish school, but I can no longer. I’m very emotionally disregulated and I’m afraid I’m going to have a breakdown at the wrong time. I mean I saw a little boy and girl walking down the street yesterday and I started crying uncontrollably for a good hour out of jealousy of how simple my needs really are. I’m crying now just thinking about it. Interpersonal needs have been my greatest obstacle in life, and seeing a kid have it figured out and me being 27 yo with all types of accomplishments yet I can’t seem to muster up the courage to go out and fail until I succeed is very depressing. I was contemplating texting an ex who reached out to me months ago, but I know better that’s why I came here this morning. I need encouragement that I am capable of getting my social needs met especially romantically, I need strength to resist falling back into old patterns. I’m in a lot of pain, with nothing to look forward to and I feel like no one can help me with it.
nonameParticipantAnita
Thanks for thinking of me!
Ive hesitated to cut ties with my parents mainly because I needed help through grad school, I wouldn’t have restarted contact with my dad if I didn’t need to buy a car from him, unfortunately when I started seeing him again in my moms mind it meant all is well and opened the door even more for her to try to “keep her family together” since we were all tolerating eachother again. I’m more ready to cut contact now that I’ve graduated and hopefully won’t need any financial help within a month or two. I know this needs to happen, I couldn’t sleep much last night thinking about it and now I’m angry that my parents childish ways have yet again disrupted my peace. This reminds of something my mom said the other day that our lives “are always full of drama” and I yelled back at her she’s part of the creation of the drama by having poor boundaries with an abuser. In a lot of ways I do the same thing complaining about the drama, but it only affects me if I remain attached. So In practicing what I preach I see it’s time to set my own boundaries and be healthy.
I’ve been letting fear run my life for too long. While I’ve made a huge amount of progress in my life, fear still seems to dominate a lot of my relationships. I’m always prepared to be let down by others but never prepared to be loved. I’ve reached a point where I simply can’t stand to let fear keep winning. I’m a deeply lonely man I’m lucky to get minutes of someone’s undivided attention per week. But I’m at a point now where I don’t want “luck” to have anything to do with my well being. I’m so afraid to ask for help or ask for love, it’s always felt like a losing battle. However I know if I don’t figure it out fast I’m not going to last as a therapist despite my skills. I am the only single person out of all of my friends, every single one. It often feels like there must be something unlovable about me, and it’s really hard for me to get out of that mind state all by myself.
Mill be moving into the house ive been living behind in August with my friend I met last year in school. I’m excited because she’s also a therapist, and we’re very supportive of eachother. It will also be nice to not live alone anymore. Even though my old roommate was very introverted it was nice to know someone was there if I absolutely needed it, and my new roommate is very extroverted and vulnerable so I think socially it will be good for me. My hope is that I can one day look back at all the time I spent alone suffering with my pain, and be grateful that I made it through, and that I learned how to be strong because of it.
nonameParticipantAnita
I hope you are doing well. I find myself here when there is no one sane enough in my life to seek a reflection. I have been doing mostly well since my last post with the exception of a recent depression that lasted about 2 weeks and seemed entirely out of my control. I have graduated and will be starting a new job hopefully by the end of the month once I get my license certification. However right now I am on extremely thin ice financially and I am cutting it super close with starting my new job. To say the least it’s been stressful but I’m almost out of the weeds and will be self sufficient within a month.
Im seriously considering not talking to my parents at all for good, I came home for Mother’s Day and a dentist appointment this weekend. When me, my brother in law, my sister and mom got back from mother’s day lunch, my dad had dropped off my moms van that he verbally agreed to fix as part of the divorce. However he did not fix it, and my mom became furious because she had been fixated on his new girlfriend because this woman told my dad to stop talking to my mom. Long story short my mom was threatening to drive the van into his house, and I grabbed her and wouldn’t let her get in the car, I told her to stop thinking about herself and think of me an my sister. She was very aggressive and rude towards me for trying to Deescalate the situation. I later yelled at her and stormed out of the house asking her to get her shit together, and take care herself so me and my sister don’t have to.
I’m torn, I don’t feel heard or respected in my family but I feel for my sister that she constantly has to deal with this bullshit while I’m an hour away. At the same time my sister is just as brainwashed as my mom. I was having a good week and started back on my path towards good mental health by meditating and journaling and exercise, then I come home for a day and I’m depressed all over again. I don’t think I can take anymore of this, but I don’t want to leave my sister alone, at the same time I’m lucky if I can get 5min a week of someones undivided attention at this point and I’m suffering because of it, plus I’m about to start doing therapy full time and don’t think I can handle it all.
nonameParticipantAnita
Thanks for your last reply. I have been feeling more balanced, grateful, worthy, confident, and self loving for the past couple months. My depression has gotten so much more manageable. Ive been tracking my mood closely In January I spent 4days depressed this month I’ve only spent 2 days depressed. When I say I spent the day depressed I mean I didn’t leave my house. It’s strange because the days when I’m not depressed I’m usually either feeling decent or really good, my low grade sadness seems to be subsiding a bit. I’ll still be struggling financially for a couple more months but I graduate in less than 60days so I can see the light so to speak.
I’ve realized when I choose to be mindful, vulnerable, and grateful that it really inspires and attracts other people to me. I feel loved and cared for, and you have been a huge part of that caring for the past year or so. I’m so excited I’m doing a little better and feeling more confident despite my circumstances not having changed much.
Have a wonderful morning!
nonameParticipantAnita,
I will post again later to update you, I’ve been doing well the past couple of weeks and I hope you are too.
I am experiencing a strong longing to be held recently and I’m not sure what to do about it. Otherwise I’m doing good. I feel loved and motivated, it’s just this hunger to be touched is driving me crazy and I’m not sure what to do about it I cried for a while this morning, which I was grateful for because i had been having difficulty getting in touch with what I was feeling. I’m taking care of my other emotions and others are helping me, but of course not everyone who cares about me can physically hold me. I let the pain run without intervening with an escape, but I would like to learn if you have any ideas about how to satisfy this need on my own.
Thank you Anita
nonameParticipantHello again Anita,
I hope all is well with you. Thank you for your holiday wishes.
I am grateful to be back at my apartment after last week. Being around my family for 2 weeks helped me raise awareness about some of my feelings about them and myself. To answer your question I suppose I do pity them for having me as a son. I see myself as needy and it’s true I am in need. I dont attach too strongly to that belief anymore in the context of my parental relationship though it is still present at times, but most often I notice this feeling of “neediness” which is closely tied to my feelings of worthlessness and unlovability in platonic or romantic relationships.
This judgment of myself as needy, worthless, and unlovable is why I’m still posting here, & still going to group therapy. I’m becoming afraid of myself again, I want to be clear though I am not suicidal and not threatening it either. Though yesterday after I got home from internship and class around 2pm I just broke down, some of my classmates invited me to lunch since we got out early. I declined because I had in my mind these thoughts exactly “they don’t actually like you, their just being nice, you’re going to do or say something stupid and ruin it for everybody, best you get away from people as quickly as possible so you dont end up causing problems” while at home I began downward spiral that went on close to midnight, I ate 2 bananas for dinner because I was too beat to cook or leave the house. I smoked, drank, & cried the rest of the night, lying in my bed wondering what I’m doing wrong that I cant be loved. I had the very specific urge to cut myself which hasn’t happened in almost a year, the longest I’ve went without physical self harm since a teenager. This was very alarming since I havent had such a feeling in a long time despite continued episodes of depression. I noticed this urge arise when i felt i had exercised all of my self-soothing attempts, which meant to me what I’m doing is not working well, obviously.
I finally texted my friend close to 11pm just to check on her. When she called I told her I just wanted to hear someone else’s voice, someone else’s problems. I didn’t want to talk about myself because I see it as a waste of time at this point. Even though she says it’s okay if I need to talk to her and to call anytime, i just cant because she is the only confidant i have at the present moment, and I’m afraid if I push her away then I’ll truly be without support with the exception of you and my therapist. While it is true I have other friends who care about she is the only one who I feel comfortable enough to call or text anytime. I dont want to abuse that though, as I feel like a burden, similar to my childhood.
I’m so lost right now, I want some relief but cant find it anywhere. My initial reaction to this is that I need closer connections with people. It seems ill start to get close with someone and then it fades. Ultimately I dont think I require much to be content, just 10mins a day of someone’s undivided attention would probably do, I just dont know how to make that happen. I am grateful for you Anita and my therapist because otherwise I dont know how I could get someone to care for me.
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