I agree. so many factors involved when it comes to relationship and I’m not a fan of the current tendency toward ‘either’ ‘or’ reasoning.  Here I take the advice of Gandhi – Be the change you wish to see – and avoid measuring expectations and attachment to outcome.  During the process be kind to yourself.

Hi Brian

Not sure I know what normal is but that is a different conversation.

I think you answered your own question – the challenge is finding the balance. How we respond to others, how they respond to us,  how are we measuring that and why? The psychology of mirroring?. So many factors most of which we arn’t fully aware off.

What is helpful?

Be kind with yourself and others, be compassionate, laugh when you can and cry when you need to. Avoid measurement. Oh how we love to measure our experiences, our moments…  you might think we would become good at it, but were not, were really not good at it. 

Pretty simple if we let it.  I know, But…

I remember watching the movie – The Power of One – which takes place in South Africa’s 1930 apartheid. Watching I felt my blood pressure rise as I watch how horrific humans can be towards fellow humans. The horrible things we are capable  of… I remember a scene where the tables are turned on one of the brutish guards. I has this very visceral response of ‘joyous righteousness’  of seeing the guard get his. This righteous anger and hate felt so good. I still remember that moment in the dark theater and how much it scared me. In that moment I knew I was not that different from the guard.  How does one engage with such cruelty without relying on the tools of cruelty like anger, hate and self (ego) righteousness?

Today when I see pictures of Putin gaslighting his people, creating so much needless pain on the world. I feel myself back in the theater desiring righteous vengeance.  All these years and that part of me continues to exist.

Anita. I don’t think a separate thread is necessary. I suspect many of us feel beaten up by what the continuous blows of crises. Its enough to know we arn’t alone.

Hi Anita

Thankyou for your kind words and for picking up the ‘spot of desperation’ behind the words. Some days it feels to much. The last few years have been so much. To much opportunity to practice maintaining healthy boundaries, self care, engagement while not adding to the negativity energy that seems to be pressing in. It is a challenge.

I admire the compassion you express as you reach out to others who in a difficult moment need to be heard.

I liked Martin Kimani from Kenya UN speech.

Putin’s desire to return to a time when ‘Russia was Great again’ is a good example of why getting stuck in ones past and attempting to  return to a time that has passed is such a unhealthy approach to life. We need to come to terms with our past but not try to recreate it as if one could step in the same river twice – “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

Putin had every opportunity to improve the lives of his people but he chose to steel from them instead. Even he and his minions didn’t trust Russia as they took the money they stole out of Russia. When I hear of men like Putin I always have the same  question – Why? What’s the point

Martin Kimani

This situation echoes our history. Kenya and almost every African country was birthed by the ending of empire. Our borders were not of our own drawing. They were drawn in the distant colonial metropoles of London, Paris, and Lisbon, with no regard for the ancient nations that they cleaved apart.

Today, across the border of every single African country, live our countrymen with whom we share deep historical, cultural, and linguistic bonds. At independence, had we chosen to pursue states on the basis of ethnic, racial, or religious homogeneity, we would still be waging bloody wars these many decades later.

Instead, we agreed that we would settle for the borders that we inherited, but we would still pursue continental political, economic, and legal integration. Rather than form nations that looked ever backwards into history with a dangerous nostalgia, we chose to look forward to a greatness none of our many nations and peoples had ever known. We chose to follow the rules of the Organisation of African Unity and the United Nations charter, not because our borders satisfied us, but because we wanted something greater, forged in peace.

We believe that all states formed from empires that have collapsed or retreated have many peoples in them yearning for integration with peoples in neighboring states. This is normal and understandable. After all, who does not want to be joined to their brethren and to make common purpose with them? However, Kenya rejects such a yearning from being pursued by force. We must complete our recovery from the embers of dead empires in a way that does not plunge us back into new forms of domination and oppression.

We rejected irredentism and expansionism on any basis, including racial, ethnic, religious, or cultural factors. We — We reject it again today. Kenya registers its strong concern and opposition to the recognition of Donetsk and Luhansk as independent states. We further strongly condemn the trend in the last few decades of powerful states, including members of this Security Council, breaching international law with little regard.

HoneyBlossom

Honeyblossom just came into my head not so much because I feel it represents me – more that it is something I like- a flower which sustains life and healing – although I have been told I have honey blonde hair!

I believe that such things arise from our depths, like dreams, to revival something, a truth, a direction.. about our true Self that we are not yet conscious of or fully integrated.

You asked about meditation and their is a practice of focusing on breath as you repeat a mantra.

I tried it using the words honey and blossom and was surprised that the word Honey felt more natural on the inhale while Blossom on the exhale. Breathing in honey, exhaling Blossom…

Bees make honey by drinking in the nectar of the flowers blossom so one might imagine that the more natural rhythm would be of breathing in blossom and exhaling honey. So what might this seeming opposite, inhaling honey exhaling blossoms point to?

Perhaps a time for all things, a time to be honey and a time to be the flower, A time to give and a time to receive..  begs the question when does honey give and when does it receive, when does the blossom give when does it receive? The blossom giving of itself to make honey, the honey giving of itself to give the blossom meaning…  The opposites begin to fade, giving and receiving existing together in the same moment.

Perhaps joined in this paradox the blossom can revel in the joy of being a blossom? (I loved the book ‘A Dogs Purpose’. many mistake all the things the dog does through its many lives as its purpose but the reality was the Dogs’ purpose was being a Dog all the things it did it did because is was it embraced being true to its Dog nature)

The above is a example of meditation and contemplation on what arises, at least my version of it.  Or perhaps its active imagination.. All good.

Even that little exercise above left me feeling calmer some how. Perhaps I too could be a blossom? Perhaps that is enough in this moment when the world seems so dark… so I thank you for that.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Peter.

Hi HoneyBlossom

Never say never as they say which I know isn’t helpful and in a way makes the problem even more difficult:  How does one stay open to opportunity while accepting what is in the moment.

My own experience is that the older I get the more I am convinced that relationship with another as I imagine one could be… isn’t meant for me.  In other words I have become set in my ways and I suspect it would take a very understanding, patient, centered woman that wanted to take the time…

Sorry off track… Søren Kierkegaard noted that “The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” this I believe is at the heart of such sadness of accepting what we cannot forget hoping for and dreaming of. And so we mourn never really accepting what we have accepted.

Stuck in such a loop  how could someone not be sad.

My hope is that by recognizing that one is in such a loop is the first step to getting out of it. And like a getting stuck in a rip tide the more you struggle the more time one spends under water.  A practice of mediation may help.
In this practice one can feel ones sadness without ‘being’ sad. (You have the emotion of sadness but you are not your emotions.) There is a time for all things – even times of feeling sad.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Peter.

Hi Kilian

I heard that the last thoughts one has determine one’s rebirth

The Tibetan: “Liberation in the Intermediate State Through Hearing”) also called Tibetan Book of the Dead does imply Karma is a factor in rebirth.  Perhaps ones Karma could be influenced by ones last thoughts or one last thoughts could be a indication of ones Karma. That said OCD thoughts would not count as last thoughts as they tend to be more surface noise then what one really thinks and believes, ones true thoughts.  That’s even difficult to ‘know‘ for the most enlightened person

Note; I do not believe Karma has anything to do with Justice, Reward, Punishment all of which belong to the world of ego and measurement. Such things don’t exist in nature.

Karma or Action suggest that what we do, who we are has consequence. Kick a rock and you break your toe. Breaking your tow isn’t Karma, though it may be the result of ones Karma. As in what made you think, and act on that thinking, that kicking a rock was a good idea.

For me Karma is related to the idea the “We see/experience the world as we are not as it is“.  Ones karma acting like glasses through which we see and expect to see. Similarly Einstein’s Statement – “No Problem Can Be Solved From The Same Level Of Consciousness That Created It” – ones karma in away is related to one level of consciousness. We are attracted to our level. Thus in the progression of the life cycle – birth – death – rebirth one tendency to to be attracted to what we know, ones level of awareness while fearing the other higher levels .  (even though or maybe because the higher levels are so bright)

I view the life cycle of Birth – Death – Rebirth as the reality of each breathe we take. Meaning each breath is a opportunity to be reborn into a higher level and sadly lower one.  I would argue that every major even minor life change is a kind of dying. Many changes require the letting go of ego, control and that always feels like a dying to the ego. How we manage that change, that death ‘determines’ our ‘Rebirth.

From that perspective if one believes that cycle is repeated after one physically dies one will have had a lot of practice during ones life time to calmly embrace the light and not to fear it. As a last thought that might be a pretty good one.