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I got really offended because I am extremely self-conscious about my looks.
I’ve always like what the Stoic’s had to say about ‘taking offence’ – An offense is up to your interpretation that requires you to choose… A child calling you ugly says more about them then you… Choosing to be offended on the other hand is all about you.
When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you’ll feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger. Your sense of good and evil may be the same as theirs, or near it, in which case you have to excuse them. Or your sense of good and evil may differ from theirs. In which case they’re misguided and deserve your compassion. – Marcus Aurelius
My experience, life is much calmer choosing not to be offended. That said its important understand that having healthy boundaries is important and protecting those boundaries and taking offence are not connected. Having healthy boundaries is sitting down with the child that called you ugly and letting him/her know that it was not acceptable. You don’t need to be offended to stand up for yourself.
Also, because this is something you are actively working on (Which by that way you should give yourself a lot of credit for… well done for not only wanting better but working to do better!) The “Universe” is going to give you a lot of opportunity to face your fears. In this case the child calling you ugly could be seen as a opportunity to help you see where you’re at as well as the opportunity to teach them. One day, if you keep working on it, someone will push your buttons, call you names and it won’t have any affect on your sense of self.
Hi Rocco
Its sounds like you may have connected these past experiences with your sense of self. Its important to remember that You are not your thoughts or you actions, past or present.
With regards to Guilt and Shame: guilt is the feeling that you’ve done something bad, while shame is the feeling that you are bad. While you work through your past its important to recognize that some shame is deserved however most shame we feel and hold onto is undeserved.
Based on what I read I suspect the shame you feel and are holding onto is undeserved. You were a confused and young and if there was something that required ‘making right’ and forgiveness it seams you have been forgiven. The next step then is for you to forgive yourself and let it go.
I like what Lewis Smedes had to say about Shame (recommend his book Shame and Grace)
“Shame is heavy; Grace is light…. Shame says that because I am flawed I am unacceptable. Grace says that though I am flawed I am cherished. “
“The lightness of grace does not lift all the sandbags that drag the spirit down. It lightens life by removing one very dead weight in particular—the weight of anxiety about being an unacceptable person. It extracts the internal threat of healthy shame. It gives us courage to track down the sources of unhealthy shame, see it for the undeserved pain it is, and take steps to purge our lives of it completely. It sets loose the lightest feeling of life; being accepted; totally, unreservedly accepted…” – Lewis Smedes
Hi Liz
I am overwhelmed by how much catching up I have ahead of me, and I feel so much regret for the wasted years spent avoiding life and isolating myself.
When it come to careers (life in general). I am a firm believer that nothing we learn is ever wasted. Your experience with depression gives you invaluable perspective especially in a medical field.
I have met so many people that have gone to school of X only to end up with a career in Y. I’ve heard some say they wasted time X. Yet latter in hindsight the realization that it took going through X to get to Y. Its bitter sweet. In the game of life sure it might seem better to know with certainty exactly what must be done and where we want what we do will lead us. However, if were honest we don’t really want that. Beauty lies in the curves not the straight line, which does not exist in nature
If you ever take up ballroom dancing, when you first start you will find yourself always trying to catch up. Miss a step, miss a beat your impulse will be to move faster and catch up. Only it never works because that moment has passed. You can’t step in the same river twice. All that happens is that you stumble and lose connection with your partner.
Something magical happens when you let that go. Instead of trying to catch up you change perspective and realize that what every beat your on, what ever foot your on is the right beat and the right foot to get to the next beat and the next step. You move from trying to perform a dance pattern to dancing. Every ‘mistake’ leads to creative movement, perhaps a pause, a stretch, or a fall that recovered becomes then new move never seen before. (Most dance moves originate from “mistakes”.)
There is no time travel so the reality is that you can only move from the place you’re in – so the place you are in is the exact right place to move from. Accept that, embrace that, and the world opens its doors to you. Instead of working your way through life…. You get to Dance your way. Takes what shows up and dance. I have a feeling it will be amazing
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 