As a guy I can tell you that when a guy does the on again off again relationship such as you describe it usually comes from a place of insecurity. This type of relationship can be about power and maintain a safe backup in case he finds something better. Such people might also struggle with valuing what they have, preferring the chase to the having.

One of the purposes of relationships is to heal the past and so both parties create and play out scenarios that there authentic self is attempting to come to terms with and heal. This is almost always subconscious and too often create the codependent relationship. Such scenarios will continue until they are solved.

Statistically the on again off again relationship do not mature. My own rule of thumb is three cycles and its over. And over means no contact. You may not like hearing this but ending a relationship with no contact may just be required for the healing of the past the authentic self was trying to solve.

With regards to Hope, Hope is a skill to often practiced badly that when passive, keeps the hopeful stuck.

There are times when hope can be dangerous as in holding onto the idea that an expired relationship may yet again find footing and there are times when hope is essential such as when it keeps us from drowning in despair.

“To hope means to be ready at every moment for that which is not yet born, and yet not become desperate if there is no birth in our lifetime. Erich Fromm

Doing Active Hope – Joanna Macy and Chris Johnstone
The word hope has two different meanings. The first involves hopefulness, believing our preferred outcome is reasonably likely to happen. If we require this kind of hope before we commit ourselves to an action, our response gets blocked in areas where we don’t rate our chances too high.

The second meaning is about desire. It is this kind of hope that starts our journey — knowing what we hope for and what we’d like, or love, to take place. It is what we do with this hope that really makes the difference. Passive hope is about waiting for external agencies to bring about what we desire. Active Hope is about becoming active participants in bringing about what we hope for.

Active Hope is a practice. Like tai chi or gardening, it is something we do rather than have. It is a process we can apply to any situation, and it involves three key steps. First, we take in a clear view of reality; second, we identify what we hope for in terms of the direction we’d like things to move in or the values we’d like to see expressed; and third, we take steps to move ourselves or our situation in that direction.

Since Active Hope doesn’t require our optimism, we can apply it even in areas where we feel hopeless. The guiding impetus is intention; we choose what we aim to bring about, act for, or express. Rather than weighing our chances and proceeding only when we feel hopeful, we focus on our intention and let it be our guide.

A dance instructor I had once talked about learning how to accept that were you were, which foot or position you were currently in, was the correct position from which to move from.

Obvious right. I mean it’s not like you can magically shift weight onto the other foot without shifting your weight to the other foot. The only place you can move from is from the position you are in and so that position must be the correct place to be in for whatever comes next.

Yet how many of us get stuck by the thinking that where we are is not the right place to move from. (Even as we move)

You might argue this is a matter of semantics and or form of positive thinking but I don’t think it is.

By accepting the reality that you can only move from where you are and so where you are is the best place from which to move creates space to move more freely.

I know this realization does not help in answering the question of what the next move should be and look like. However when I accepted this truth in my dancing whatever did come next tended to be more graceful. Without the tension I was creating about being in the wrong position the next position flowed as part of the dance and music I chose to dance to.

Have you thought of getting back into one of your creative activates as a form of alchemy/Zen practice?

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Peter.

Love one another as you love yourself. Do you follow this rule in your daily life?

Before I think that question can be answered I think we must understand what it means to love oneself.

What is this thing we call Love and If we were to love ourselves unconditionally what would it look like?

For many unconditional love is an unconscious expectation or requirement of unconditional allowing.
We are told love means we must turn the other cheek and that that means someone can be and do what they will and that forgiveness means saying what happened was ok. That is not love and not if we look how we love ourselves.

The expectation or demand that love be unconditional in this way is one heck of a condition!

What then is unconditional love?

When we meditate on the nature and experience of love it appears to operate on multiple planes. As conscious Beings we want who we are and so what we do to matter, to make a difference, to impact and be valued, especially in or interactions with those we care about. We seek meaning, purpose in our experience and expression of love.

We love ourselves unconditionally when we allow ourselves the experience of meaning and purpose in who we are and what we do which requires ‘getting to be’ held accountable for who we are and what we do.

When we don’t hold ourselves or others accountable we do not love them for such a thing would mean that who they are and what they do has no value.

For meaning and purpose to be experienced the qualities of accountability and responsibility must also be qualities of love. Love means we get to be held accountable and responsible for who we are and what we do. Thinking, feeling, doing, being

So it seems to me that we love ourselves when we hold ourselves accountable, in grace, for who we are and what we do. To love others as ourselves we love unconditionally and say YES to life as it is.

Loving others as ourselves is not a compromise nor does it require that we or the other be perfect.
Loving others as ourselves does not mean we make ourselves vulnerable. Acts of ‘turning the other cheek” are actually quite aggressive as it forces the person to see themselves as they are. Turning the other cheek can be acts of love or hate.

Loving ourselves means we live our truths in grace so that when we learn better we might do better. Holding ourselves accountable not out of anger or sense of justice but because that is how we learn who we are and experience meaning and purpose.

When we love others as ourselves we say YES to who we and they are.
We accept getting to be unconditionally accountable, for the good we and they do and what we might experience as bad. Not from a place of anger, hate, justice but Love.

Too often we create labels of our experience to justify and empower what we do to others and how we treat them. We call it justice or self-protection. We use hate and anger to hold others accountable, (and sometimes ourselves) but we can do not need to hate to empower our actions and being we can love.

This is not a Hate the sin love the sinner philosophy. When we say Yes to life as it is we say yes that we will missing the mark in our becoming (sin). This is not a passive allowing and accepting. We must live our truths. Saying Yes we must stand up and say no to what our truths require us to say no to, just as we must allow others to live there truths, coming from a place of love.

The emotion of anger might point to a confrontation with our experiences of our truths and others however we don’t need to empower the action we might take from a place of anger.

We say yes to life as it is by living our truths as authentically as we know them while being open to learning better. We will get it wrong just as the other we love will get it wrong yet in grace we create the space were everyone involved might become more conscious and awaken to who we are.

May I ask what you mean when you use the word ‘Truth’

My experience has been that finding ones Truth is a life long journey.

I am convinced that we live the stories that we tell ourselves but that such stories are seldom the whole truth of who we are… we are more then the sum of our parts, the roles we play, the stories we tell…

This may be a time for you to reflect on your stories. How have they shaped you and the filters through which you experience new experiences? How much of these stories are true, how much of the stories you tell have been influenced by the trickery that is memory.

We tend to assume that we know all the details of every moment we experienced but consciousness is extremity limited as it must fitter out most of details so that we can function but that also means the memory’s created of the experience are always incomplete and some might call illusions.

I found the book ‘Crucial Conversations’ helpful in helping me discover and take owner ship of the stories I was telling myself. And then how those stories were influencing my experiences.

I know you might be asking how would leaning how to communicate with others help you with your stories. Well the person you talk to the most is yourself. At least I do.

First step in good self-communication – Master My Stories (an out take from ‘Crucial Conversations’)

When it matters most and our emotions kick in, we often do our worst – even if we try to convince ourselves that we’re doing the right thing.

Learn to create emotions that influence you to want to return to healthy dialogue.

Others don’t make you mad, you make you mad. You see and hear something, and then you tell yourself a story. That story triggers your feelings. Then you either act on those feelings or have them act on you.

Manage your emotions by retracing your path. Return to the source of your feelings. Separate facts from feelings. You can see and hear facts. Stories, on the other hand, are judgments and conclusions that trigger your movement to silence or violence.

And watch for three clever stories:

The Victim Story that makes you out to be the innocent sufferer. Ask yourself, “Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?”
The Villain Story that emphasizes others’ negative qualities. Ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?”
The Helpless Story that convinces you that you have no options for taking healthy action. Ask yourself, “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”

For some reason this is a very common experience in relationship break ups
The person that initiates the break up attempts to keep the light on just in case, a subconscious back up plan.

To avoid the cycle relationship and create enough space for you to move on. You must be firm and Tell him to no longer contact you. No other words are required

If you soften your request in anyway with explanations and or justifications you open the door for continued communication.

If you intention is to break off contact you can’t leave openings of any kind as anything you say other than for him to stop contacting you is a opening

That is my solution as well. I think it comes down to the ability to discern news from editorial and entertainment.
I just want to be told the what, who, when, where

Unfortunately the news editorial becomes part of the what, who, when, where and it gets confusing. As we have to respond to not just what happened but how people are interpreting and reacting to what happens. In many cases what happened getting lost

I have had bad experiences with the on again off again relationships

On-again/off-again relationships generally have a pretty bad reputation. And actually, science tends to back up what everyone’s cranky best friend is muttering to them.

Psychologists refer to this pretty common dating practice as “cycling”, and have found that a relationship that cycles during the dating phase is more likely to cycle once you live together or are married.

How to Stop the Cycle of Break Up & Reconciliation

STEP 1
Identify problems within the relationship. Whether it’s due to differences in opinion, values, beliefs or priorities, having open dialogue is important to conflict resolution. If establishing open communication is difficult with your partner, then utilizing a mediator who is trustworthy and neutral during conversations may be wise. In any case, pointing out what is causing the breakup and reconciliation cycle is key to avoiding it in the future.

STEP 2
Listen to your conscience. Honesty will have to be well practiced during the process of ending this vicious relationship cycle. Own up to your mistakes, longings, and emotions even if your partner chooses otherwise. Often times this will help give you guidance on whether it is worth trying to fix at all if your partner decides they will not be honest or open. Avoid cutting off that little voice in your head that is trying to convey what you really desire.

Memories are stories we tell ourselves about our past – John Slattery

I believe we become the stories we tell ourselves and must learn to discern the difference between a memory that has become our story and a story that contains references to memory.

Readying your life it appears to me that painful memory of the past has become your present story.

You are stuck.

Memory is a trickster. Many unconsciously assume that they remember things as they happened even the motivation and expenses of others as that appear as part of that memory. We are almost always wrong. Consciousness is has a very limited bandwidth and tends to focus attention to very specific aspects of our experiences. We can never know the whole story.

I do not mean to imply that the negative experiences you had didn’t happen to you. Instead I’m hoping, that by understanding that you can’t know the whole story, you can create some space, some breathing room that might allow for grace – For yourself and others, but here I think more importantly for yourself.

It would be my hope that you realize that the memories of our past does not have to define the story of your experience today.

I highly recommend the books
‘Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, ‘and
‘Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success’
– both by Kerry Patterson

Both processes start by owning the stories we tell ourselves, which when we do improves the conversations we can have with others and ourselves (self-talk).

We become the stories we tell, so tell a good one.