Hi Moongal,

Material success can’t make you happy.

To understand this, you have to realize what makes you unhappy. So, what makes you suffer? It might seem like it’s your circumstances, but it’s not. You can test this by asking yourself, could somebody else be happy in the same circumstances? Am I always unhappy in these circumstances, or only some of the time? When I’m not thinking thoughts that make me unhappy, am I suffering?

Of course, through this kind of questioning you’ll come to realize yourself that the thing that creates your suffering is thinking, that is believed in the moment.

What kind of thinking? Well, judgements (about yourself and your circumstances), beliefs about how things “should be”, etc.

Now, think about it. Can a really good job with a lot of money eliminate the thoughts in your mind that make you unhappy – judgements about yourself and your circumstances, beliefs about how things should be, negative beliefs about your abilities etc?

Of course not.

The thing is, what will really, truly bring you happiness and lasting peace, is to realize that the only thing that can make you unhappy is thinking.

Just let that soak in.

You don’t have to believe me, just question it for yourself. How do you feel when you tell yourself certain thoughts? Are the thoughts true just because you feel that they’re true? (No – you can prove this in a thought experiment such as, If you believed your partner cheated on you, you would tell yourself thoughts that make you feel bad, regardless of the reality. It could be they never cheated on you, but because you tell yourself the thoughts that they did and that’s bad, you feel bad. The point here is, the reality is irrelevant – your thinking creates your unhappiness. The real circumstances don’t actually change your feelings at all! You see?)

Now, let’s have a look at some of the thoughts in your post.

“sometimes i feel so doubtful of my abilities, my smartness and everything bout me in general”

How do you feel when you tell yourself this thought?

Are these thoughts serving you or not?

Of course they’re not going to disappear overnight. But the thing is, if you make some deep philosophical shifts, the thoughts will let go of you naturally. Think about it – are you smart? Now, here’s the thing. Say you got a certain result on a test. Does that prove you’re smart? How would you know what ‘smart’ even is? How do you quantify it? Is it possible some people think you’re not smart? Is it possible some people think you are smart? Do you think you’re smart in some moments, and not in others? Where is smart? Can you show me where it is? You can show me your nose, your eyes, your arms. Where is smart?

“Smart” is just a thought. In reality you are not smart. But that doesn’t mean you’re stupid. Stupid is just a thought. In reality there is no stupid. In reality none of these judgements about yourself exist, they only exist in your mind and in the minds of other people’s. So the bad news is, you’re not cool, you’re not clever, you’re not funny, you’re not friendly, you CAN’T be any of these things objectively and scientifically and in terms of ‘reality as it is’. But guess what? Nor are you stupid. You’re not bad, you’re not worthless, you’re not a failure, you’re not dumb, you’re not any of these things either. Because those too are just judgements of reality you create in your mind. THOUGHTS. Those self-judgements are really flimsy, which is why you struggle to maintain them. That’s why you try so hard to keep up a certain self-image – because you’re aware that the judgements aren’t actually true in reality, whatever they are. Otherwise they wouldn’t require so much maintenance.

This may all seem a bit bleak, but please, it’s liberating. Because with that understanding comes the freedom of knowing that you are just as you are. In that sense, you’re perfect. In this moment, there is nothing wrong with you. You lack nothing. How could you? Those beliefs are just THOUGHTS. And thoughts aren’t the same thing as reality. “Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so” – Shakespeare.

Now, in your post you’re doing the natural thing and trying to find fulfillment and happiness out there. Society tells you, get a great job and you’ll be happy. An amazing house. A great relationship…

But wait. Pause. Are all the people with those things really happy? No! Some of them are depressed. Some of them just want more.

Getting stuff doesn’t make you happy. Appreciating what you have does, because it involves acceptance of what is now.

Now I’m NOT saying, just abandon personal ambition and so on. Go out and keep striving, go for a great job. Why? Because you would prefer to have money, relationship, job, whatever. But to be happy, make those strivings something you do because you would prefer those things, NOT to seek happiness.

Happiness is here. Now. Every time you’re not depressing yourself with your thoughts, you’re happy. Now, you might tell me, but hold on. Even when I’m not thinking, I sometimes feel bad.

Wait. You feel bad? That’s a thought. Who said, for example, a fluttering in the stomach is “bad”? Who said a racing heart is “bad”? Who said a dull ache in your chest is “bad”? Thoughts say that!

In reality those sensations are just sensations. Just feel them. They are as they are. To say they’re “bad” is to label them – and THAT’S what makes you unhappy!

Now sometimes you’ll feel things you don’t regard as pleasant, but just feel them. Let them be. They’re OK. Explore the sensations physically without resorting to labelling and judging them. Notice what thoughts come up, but don’t get sucked into the thinking. Remember, the thoughts are not reality, they’re just stories your mind is telling you. And if you’re listening to the thoughts, how can you be them?

Think about it. If you are listening to the thoughts, then you’re not the thoughts. You’re the listener. The observer. You observe all of that, you aren’t “it”.

Then you’re free. Then peace, happiness, contentment.

Don’t expect this to be an overnight change. For many this is a lifetime of developmental work. But I hope I’ve helped to show you some things and to possibly give you a direction of where you might be headed.

…of course, the real fulfillment comes from knowing you don’t need to go anywhere at all.

You’re fine here, now. You are whole. You are complete.

Be here now. Have fun. Enjoy the game. Because that’s what life is. A wonderful, elaborate game.

Peace out!

Check out Noah Elkrief’s videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/NoahElkrief/videos

That’s what I do, Charles. I revise my philosophy as deeply as I can. To be honest I have been very happy for years now, because all the underlying philosophies and perspectives have been shifted. When I do want a ‘quick fix’ I will quickly count 10 or 20 things I’m grateful for right now (when you do it, it could be anything from ‘the air I’m breathing now’ to ‘successfully completing the marathon yesterday’), I may ask myself if I really, absolutely know my beliefs in that moment are true (and dispute them in the cognitive behavioural therapy / rational emotive behavioural therapy sense) and I might also meditate and come back to what is really happening now – direct sensations such as my breath, what I can see, hear, feel etc. and come away from being lost in thought. It all depends on what I’m experiencing. Often the best thing to do is just be mindful, experience it without judging it, to let it be without labelling it.

You say “don’t make a mountain out of a molehill”, Charles, but if you change the mountain, you’ll stop seeing those molehills.

Read “Love and Aloneness” by Osho. Check out Osho’s stuff. One of his quotes:

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

Neediness and an intense desire to be loved by somebody is not the same thing as love. I can talk from experience there. What I will tell you is that this will all subside if you just let it be, notice the thoughts and feelings and see them for what they are. Reading and experiencing psychological perspectives such as Osho’s has helped me around this. I can tell you that I experienced what you are experiencing over somebody for 3 years. Right now, that is a distant memory and I now realize I never actually loved them. I thought it was love, but it was too needy, too desperate and too fear-imbued to actually be love. Love, that is, being free, enjoyable and generous without demanding reciprocation.

You think you need somebody to fulfill a need in your life. Until you can love yourself and love being alone, and know that somebody else’s love can’t make you happy, similar patterns are going to become a common trend for you. Bathe in philosophy and psychology that offers a more empowering perspective. Check out Osho, Eckhart Tolle, Noah Elkrief…

One last thought: All this wanting and yearning is degrading. It makes you feel like you’re small, right? You might think it’s cool, but how do you feel when you do it? Pretty bad? Becoming psychologically independent is something that can take time and energy, but the payoff is that you no longer think you need somebody else to fulfill you. Neediness is creepy, and as you’re finding out, doesn’t come with the most powerful feelings! All of this is 100% changeable and if you keep applying yourself to changing this, it will definitely happen, however long it takes.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.

Nice Inky.

Here’s a good video with Alan Watts commentary I’ve just watched

Dream analysis can be a destructive waste of time. You know, I don’t care what I dream about because I don’t choose my dreams and it’s just the brain exercising its creativity. Although I’m sometimes a little curious, I never care about if my dreams say anything about me, because of course they don’t – they just happen. Interestingly I haven’t had a nightmare in many years, which may well be influenced by the fact I don’t take my dreams seriously.

Mindfulness meditation.

I think this video will help you A LOT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASFpyVIoK6I

OK this is my second link to a Noah Elkrief video today but check out this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWEyWrx6p6M

My own advice would be to examine and possibly replace your beliefs around love, rejection etc. Now that’s something that takes time, and the way you do that is something to discover as you go along but if you really want to change this then I’m sure you’ll find ways of making it happen. “Love, freedom, aloneness” is a book by Osho that might be a good read for you to start off with – but it’s not just about reading, it’s also about trying on new ideas and seeing how they work as places to come from in your own mind.

As for the “think about the present” stuff, saying “think about the present” is unlikely to change anything. However, if you consider having a go at an eight week meditation course, and there’s a great book called “Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World” by Mark Williams and Danny Penman, you could possibly learn something that will actually make a difference in the long run.

PS my own inclination would be to disregard suggestions that focus on going back into your past and analyzing problems that way; the fact is, you are NOT a victim to your past.

A quote from Dusan Djukich: “It will only delay your progress to wallow in past theories, stories, and beliefs. You want to replace all that mental spinning with pure action…Dwelling on past mistakes, injustices, or regrets is a useless indulgence. The past simply doesn’t exist. You re-create it only by choosing to think about it in the present moment with freshly chosen images and feelings. The past is only real when you think about it. Otherwise, it’s over. In a recent session, a client said, “But isn’t my past behavior the most reliable predictor of future performance?” Absolutely not! Your past behavior is nothing more than an irrelevant story that you choose to tell and re-tell. The best predictor of future performance is the position that you are coming from right now. And that is yours to freely choose.”

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Rock Banana.